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AIBU?

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Original poster

Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

1000 replies

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:18

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

OP posts:
B0711 · 05/04/2023 16:20

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Statusunknown · 05/04/2023 16:24

You sound delightful 'I'll just go with my baby in my own'

Grow up

You married a man with a child so that means you take that child on too. You can't Puckand choose to be a parent/step parent

Theres hundreds of free child places in school holidays available so you need not worry it will cost more. I think you are just worried your husband will pay her more attention than he will pay to you.

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2023 16:27

I don’t understand everyone’s replies about the ‘amazing father’ quote

I don't disagree with you that not being able to afford to take your child on holiday doesn't make someone a bad parent (though expecting your partner to pay for them and guilt tripping if they don't certainly makes you a shit partner).

But you're ignoring the part about how he can't look after both children at once, which you put in the same post as the one where you said he was an amazing father. That's the main thing that is making people question that conclusion. An amazing father would be willing and able to do that.

Original poster
B0711 · 05/04/2023 16:29

Statusunknown · 05/04/2023 16:24

You sound delightful 'I'll just go with my baby in my own'

Grow up

You married a man with a child so that means you take that child on too. You can't Puckand choose to be a parent/step parent

Theres hundreds of free child places in school holidays available so you need not worry it will cost more. I think you are just worried your husband will pay her more attention than he will pay to you.

I’m not married.

It’s not being childish to want to have a relaxing holiday before I go back to work that isn’t child focused (water parks, theme parks, beach days etc) especially when I’m paying for it. If that means, to avoid hurt feelings, that I have to go on my own then I think that’s absolutely fine. We only get one turn in this life.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2023 16:29

Statusunknown · 05/04/2023 16:24

You sound delightful 'I'll just go with my baby in my own'

Grow up

You married a man with a child so that means you take that child on too. You can't Puckand choose to be a parent/step parent

Theres hundreds of free child places in school holidays available so you need not worry it will cost more. I think you are just worried your husband will pay her more attention than he will pay to you.

Er no, wherever people stand on whether the dad in this scenario can go on holiday without one of his DC, it's certainly not the case that as a step parent, you personally can never holiday without your SC. Fuck that, frankly.

Original poster
B0711 · 05/04/2023 16:32

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2023 16:27

I don’t understand everyone’s replies about the ‘amazing father’ quote

I don't disagree with you that not being able to afford to take your child on holiday doesn't make someone a bad parent (though expecting your partner to pay for them and guilt tripping if they don't certainly makes you a shit partner).

But you're ignoring the part about how he can't look after both children at once, which you put in the same post as the one where you said he was an amazing father. That's the main thing that is making people question that conclusion. An amazing father would be willing and able to do that.

Our baby has/had colic (he’s coming out of it now) and didn’t sleep. He’s allowed to panic about looking after his daughter and a screaming baby
on his own.

I think even I would panic the first time being left alone as a single parent for a whole week. We’re all human. Doesn’t make you a shit parent for panicking.

OP posts:
RoxyRoo2011 · 05/04/2023 16:34

I'm sorry but I think you are being exceptionally unreasonable. I'm a step mum to 2 DSC (now adults), I would never have dreamed of going on a FAMILY holiday and not taking them with us (I have 2 younger DS). That child is a part of your family whether you like it or not and you signed up for that. Excluding them from family events/holidays etc will do nothing but cause problems in later life. Please bear in mind that your child has a sibling and you're running the risk of creating a toxic relationship by picking and choosing when you will allow them to be a part of your family. Imagine you and your DP split in the future and your new partner asks you not to bring your child. You just wouldn't, would you?

If this is about the money, ask your DP to pay for his child (although families that have separate finances in this way baffle me but that's a whole other thread). If you can't afford a family holiday as a 4 right now, save some more and go next year. Some tour operators offer free child places so your SC could go free along with your infant, anyway.

billy1966 · 05/04/2023 16:34

OP the response to "amazing father" is because historically on MN posters usually describe the absolute biggest wasters with a list of appalling behaviour, but finish off that after he has abused, user, and treated them dreadfully, he is also, somehow in the same breath, an "amazing father".

It is a source of wry irony to hear any man described as thus, and is associated for many as a shorthand for a loser.

When a woman has nothing good to say about a partner, so resorts to this statement which strikes us, the reader, as patently untrue.

Hope that explains it.

Either way, I hope you mind and protect yourself and don't find yourself ground down by him now, as he conveniently changes the narrative on holidays.

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2023 16:35

*Our baby has/had colic (he’s coming out of it now) and didn’t sleep. He’s allowed to panic about looking after his daughter and a screaming baby
on his own.

I think even I would panic the first time being left alone as a single parent for a whole week. We’re all human. Doesn’t make you a shit parent for panicking.*

Yea that's understandable, but to make the decision going forward that him having both of them alone together won't be happening doesn't really scream "amazing father". That's the very basis of being a parent of more than one child.

whumpthereitis · 05/04/2023 16:36

Irritateandunreasonable · 05/04/2023 14:56

Just get with a man with no kids. How desperate of a woman have you got to be to get with a man and compete with their kids 🤮.

Just horrible, men with kids have kids as part of the package, if you don’t want a part of that, that’s totally fair but just get with a man with no kids?!

Utterly bizarre behaviour.

Show quote history

I’m with a man with no kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

Who says anything about competing? Not considering his child to be her child and responsibility is not the same thing as competing with her.

People will get with who they want to, and will run their families in the way they want to. They don’t require your permission or approval. Ultimately a man with children he is responsible for is the one that knows what he’s getting into when he starts a relationship with a woman who isn’t the mother of his children. He’s not forced to start, or stay in, a relationship with someone unwilling to do so.

NorthernSpring · 05/04/2023 16:36

If you had two children, one waterpark age and one a baby, would you leave one at home (with the other parent) and take the other on holiday?

I don't personally know any resident parents that would do this. They might well take an adult only holiday but choosing which child gets to go?

This is probably how your DH feels.

Statusunknown · 05/04/2023 16:36

Makes it cheaper for him to run when he sees sense. Clever man

whumpthereitis · 05/04/2023 16:39

Statusunknown · 05/04/2023 16:24

You sound delightful 'I'll just go with my baby in my own'

Grow up

You married a man with a child so that means you take that child on too. You can't Puckand choose to be a parent/step parent

Theres hundreds of free child places in school holidays available so you need not worry it will cost more. I think you are just worried your husband will pay her more attention than he will pay to you.

She absolutely can ‘pick and choose’ the type of role she is willing to take on in regards to the daughter.

she can also pick and choose who she’s willing to pay to go on holiday with.

Statusunknown · 05/04/2023 16:40

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Statusunknown · 05/04/2023 16:40

Wonder who's paying all the bills and mortgage while she's on smp? Allowing her to have savings to spend on a holiday

Statusunknown · 05/04/2023 16:41

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whumpthereitis · 05/04/2023 16:41

Statusunknown · 05/04/2023 16:40

Wonder who's paying all the bills and mortgage while she's on smp? Allowing her to have savings to spend on a holiday

Wonder who’s caring for the child he’s also equally responsible for.

Original poster
B0711 · 05/04/2023 16:42

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You’re so delightful. Do you have a partner and kids? Are they okay? If they need any help with their situation please do tell them they can message me any time. No one should suffer in silence.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 05/04/2023 16:43

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Not without the permission of the respective mothers he can’t. Not unless he fancies paying out to go to court over it.

Statusunknown · 05/04/2023 16:45

Check your facts. He has as much right as a mother to have his kids.

Original poster
B0711 · 05/04/2023 16:47

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You’re so delightful. Do you have a partner and kids? Are they okay? If they need any help with their situation please do tell them they can message me any time. No one should suffer in silence.

OP posts:
Statusunknown · 05/04/2023 16:47

I imagine your a full time yummy mummy 😂😂😂

Statusunknown · 05/04/2023 16:47

I do actually and we are fantastic. About to go to Thailand for thr holidays

Skyeheather · 05/04/2023 16:48

I don't think it's wrong to go on holiday just the three of you if DSD is going on a separate holiday with her DM and family. Go in term time when it's cheaper and DSD wouldn't be able to go anyway because she'd be at school.

Original poster
B0711 · 05/04/2023 16:49

Statusunknown · 05/04/2023 16:40

Wonder who's paying all the bills and mortgage while she's on smp? Allowing her to have savings to spend on a holiday

were halfers actually which was said somewhere further up in the conversation. I saved to be on maternity to make sure the pressure wasn’t on just one person.

going by your comments you really hate women. Hope you’re okay. You should talk to someone about that.

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