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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

1000 replies

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:18

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

OP posts:
Naunet · 05/04/2023 13:18

psychDr · 05/04/2023 13:02

OP has one child. She’s a mum of one. She has a stepchild but she’s still a MUM of one and all that entails.

This!

She doesn’t even have a stepchild, they aren’t married from the sounds of it.

whumpthereitis · 05/04/2023 13:31

Irritateandunreasonable · 05/04/2023 11:44

No. She doesn’t. The fact you think so is ridiculous and hilarious. What on earth is wrong with you.

don’t get with men with children if you cba to take them on, they deserve so much better and he’s obviously not the one for you because the kid is part of the package.

Show quote history

She really doesn’t have two children. She doesn’t even have a stepdaughter, given that they aren’t married. The only way this girl would be considered her child and of equal status to the one she did birth and is responsible for, is if she adopted her.

Repeating that she does, doesn’t in fact make it true, nor does it make it something she has to accept as true. What ‘taking on’ a man with children means depends very much on the individuals in the relationship. It doesn’t inherently mean that a woman has to take on the position of mother and/or financer.

RedHelenB · 05/04/2023 13:32

raincamepouringdown · 04/04/2023 21:39

Go without him.

Make it clear you're not spending your savings to take his daughter on a term time holiday, end of, and if he wants to do that, he's free to take her somewhere on his own. But you and your baby will be travelling to X on XyZ dates with or without him.

They're married. Surely money is shared.

Birdsbirdsbirds · 05/04/2023 13:33

RedHelenB · 05/04/2023 13:32

They're married. Surely money is shared.

Show quote history

They're not, and it doesn't seem to be.

billy1966 · 05/04/2023 13:36

What is it with the literacy and basic reading comprehension on this sight.🙄

She said partner, not husband.

They are NOT married.

This is NOT her step child.

It is her partners child.

She has neither married the father, nor ADOPTED his child.

She has no legal, moral or financial obligation to this child, that already has two living parents.

billy1966 · 05/04/2023 13:38

Even if she is silly enough to marry this loser, she still has NO obligation to pay HIS child maintenance.

It is NOT her responsibility, though no doubt a loser like him would love to make it hers.

Boringcookingquestion · 05/04/2023 13:43

It wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to go on holiday with just your baby. It would be horrible of your husband to choose just one of his children to go away with though. They are both equally his children and deserve to be treated equally by him… what each of their mothers do is irrelevant (whether that’s her mum taking her away or you going away with just your baby).

SpideyCraw · 05/04/2023 13:51

what each of their mothers do is irrelevant

People keep saying this but it’s such bullshit. The fact that the 8 year old will be having holidays with her mother doesn’t avoid the issue of her feeling pushed out, but nor is it irrelevant. Otherwise you get into a situation of the SD having nice holidays, but the OP’s child having none because the SD’s father can’t afford to pay for to come along and it is apparently verboten to do anything without her.

It’s also really disappointing to see the lack of sympathy towards the OP from other mothers about how hard she has found becoming a new parent.

I think the answer lies in going away as the 3 of you but managing it sensitively, ideally by also planning a trip in school holidays which also includes SD and getting her excited about that. The answer to this isn’t to tell OP that her needs aren’t relevant, as though her welfare ceases to matter because she got involved with a man with a child. That is not the way to a successful blended family.

budgiegirl · 05/04/2023 14:18

I'll never really understand the opinion that it's ok to treat children and step children differently. Why is ok for a dad to leave one of their children behind when they go on holiday? Can you imagine if this was the other way round? What if a mum had a new partner and baby, and asked her eldest DDs dad to have her for a couple of weeks while she went away with her new baby and partner. I bet it would be a different matter then.

userfred · 05/04/2023 14:24

budgiegirl · 05/04/2023 14:18

I'll never really understand the opinion that it's ok to treat children and step children differently. Why is ok for a dad to leave one of their children behind when they go on holiday? Can you imagine if this was the other way round? What if a mum had a new partner and baby, and asked her eldest DDs dad to have her for a couple of weeks while she went away with her new baby and partner. I bet it would be a different matter then.

The thing is it can work. You can have separate holidays if you really want to but you need to be honest with the dc you are leaving behind and make a conscious effort to make sure they don't feel excluded.

We've never done huge holidays without all the dc. But we have done little weekends away - just me, Dh and our youngest which the other dc have been fine with because we had our family holiday.

We can't do this now because we aren't as financially stable so we wouldn't go anywhere without anyone. You just have to make sure no one feels left out - that's key to blended families and making it work.

budgiegirl · 05/04/2023 14:35

We've never done huge holidays without all the dc. But we have done little weekends away - just me, Dh and our youngest which the other dc have been fine with because we had our family holiday

Perhaps it can (although it would need very careful handling, especially where step families are concerned, and I think it would be very tricky to make sure that older children don't feel pushed out by the new baby). But it doesn't sound like it will work in this case - the dad wants his daughter to come, and the daughter is excited about coming.

Irritateandunreasonable · 05/04/2023 14:37

Birdsbirdsbirds · 05/04/2023 11:51

She does only have one child. Just like I do. If I said my step child was my child, his actual mother would have quite literally murdered me. It's not hilarious at all, it's reality. Something you perhaps don't have experience of.

Even if I had wanted to take on my stepson as "my child" I wouldn't have been able to. As it happens he ended up living with us when his actual mother couldn't be arsed with him, but she'd still die before letting me think I am his parent, even though I've parented / paid for him.

I was a glorified babysitter for when she can't be arsed, nothing more. Wasn't allowed to be. So bore off with you "take them on as your own". It often does not work that way.

Show quote history

you’re just so clearly full of resentment for your own shit.

honestly stop feeling sorry for yourself and get over what ever has happened because it’s leading you to give really shit advice that could harm an 8 year old that you don’t even know.

they are not a family of 3, if that’s what you want get with a man with no kids, there’s plenty around.

Grouchymardybum25 · 05/04/2023 14:43

My step son comes on every holiday my own children come on and is paid by the same pot of money. I don’t think I could ever not take him !

jemimapuddlepluck · 05/04/2023 14:47

billy1966 · 05/04/2023 12:53

Let me explain what happens when the OP wakes up and dumps the loser.

They get pressure from the loser to continue to babysit, feed, entertain their ex's children.

The Ex's first partner and mother to his first family, who is often in on the act will also put pressure on the OP to remain as skivvy/au pair to children that are not hers, because it suits the childrens actual mother too because they know too well the father is a loser they were happy to get rid of.

Many is the second partner on here who has said if they had their time over they would run a mile.

Another likely request is that the OP be asked to host the step siblings at her home, on her time, because of course the loser father has zero interest in facilitating the children being together, but will push for it as it gets the children off his hands, and of course he is desperate to continue NOT parenting his children.

So many of these men are clones of each other, having children here and there, always on the prowl for the next mug to step in and take on the responsibility of their children.

The step parenting threads on here should be required reading for anyone even considering get involved with these prizes🙄.

It would save these often genuinely nice women, huge heartache and disappointment.

Show quote history

👏 This is the case for 99.9% of stepmothers who post on here.

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2023 14:52

they are not a family of 3, if that’s what you want get with a man with no kids, there’s plenty around.

Being a family of four does not mean DSD is her child, it just means she's in her family.

You need to accept that blended families are their own thing, they are not a conventional nuclear family and never will be. You can't force them to fit into that mould. Amongst other things, they make it possible for their to be children your family who are not yours. That is just the reality of the situation.

Irritateandunreasonable · 05/04/2023 14:56

whumpthereitis · 05/04/2023 13:31

She really doesn’t have two children. She doesn’t even have a stepdaughter, given that they aren’t married. The only way this girl would be considered her child and of equal status to the one she did birth and is responsible for, is if she adopted her.

Repeating that she does, doesn’t in fact make it true, nor does it make it something she has to accept as true. What ‘taking on’ a man with children means depends very much on the individuals in the relationship. It doesn’t inherently mean that a woman has to take on the position of mother and/or financer.

Show quote history

Just get with a man with no kids. How desperate of a woman have you got to be to get with a man and compete with their kids 🤮.

Just horrible, men with kids have kids as part of the package, if you don’t want a part of that, that’s totally fair but just get with a man with no kids?!

Utterly bizarre behaviour.

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2023 15:01

Just get with a man with no kids. How desperate of a woman have you got to be to get with a man and compete with their kids 🤮.

Who said anything about competing with them?

No offence, but you're making yourself sound like you have very little actual experience of this situation and thus, little of merit to contribute on the subject. You clearly do not understand the dynamics at play.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/04/2023 15:08

Of course you should treat the dc equally when it comes to holidays. It would be horrible to exclude your baby's elder sibling from the holiday.

NorthernSpring · 05/04/2023 15:20

I have dc with an ex and dc with my DH. My ex also has dc with his partner.

I (nor my DH) treat any of my children differently to eachother, we all go on the same holidays, we have an equal Christmas, birthdays etc.
My ex treats his dc all the same too, holidays, birthdays etc.

We are two separate households and all the matters is that in that household the children are considered equal. The shared dc just happen (by no fault of their own!) to belong to both.

I was the youngest dc in a scenario like this growing up, my parents are still together but each had their own, older dc. I never once thought I might have preferred the extra holiday or extra presents my siblings got in exchange for my parents divorcing.

BoldandBright · 05/04/2023 15:26

He should pay for his daughter to come with you but you should not holiday without his daughter being included. When you went into a relationship with his man you accepted the fact he had other children and your children together should not be given preferential treatment.
If you can’t afford to take both children you don’t go on holiday.

funinthesun19 · 05/04/2023 15:27

Naunet · 05/04/2023 13:18

She doesn’t even have a stepchild, they aren’t married from the sounds of it.

Show quote history

That’s very true! I just said stepchild without thinking really.

Vodababy · 05/04/2023 15:35

I have three children. One before marriage and two with DH. He’d absolutely never suggest excluding my eldest DS and if he did I’d think a lot less of him.

GGBOY · 05/04/2023 15:36

Irritateandunreasonable · 05/04/2023 14:37

you’re just so clearly full of resentment for your own shit.

honestly stop feeling sorry for yourself and get over what ever has happened because it’s leading you to give really shit advice that could harm an 8 year old that you don’t even know.

they are not a family of 3, if that’s what you want get with a man with no kids, there’s plenty around.

Show quote history

Living up to your username :)

Original poster
B0711 · 05/04/2023 16:17

billy1966 · 05/04/2023 12:24

These "amazing fathers"🙄 are all the same on MN.

Can't manage to mind their children🙄
Can't afford to pay for them🙄
Target a woman with a well paid job🙄
Feed them whatever bullshit they think will reel them in🙄
Once the baby has arrived and they are stuck, change the narrative to the new mother having to mind, pay, and consider the older child at every turn, or be guilted relentlessly 🙄

These losers follow a well worn pattern.

They cant pay or parent their first child, but look for a mug to do it.

I hope the OP wakes up soon.

Does NOT marry this loser.

Does NOT pay for his child.

Keeps HER money separate.

Keeps her family and friends close.

Keeps her job.

Raises her relationship bar....

He is so NOT an amazing father🙄.

Just another loser who thinks he has found another woman to pay for HIS children.

I don’t understand everyone’s replies about the ‘amazing father’ quote.

He is an amazing man and an amazing father. Having money doesn’t equal being an amazing man/father. He can’t afford to take his daughter on holiday (like alot of people can’t currently). I was able to afford to pay for them to go away with my family last year so I paid, no big deal. Why do people see that as such a bad thing towards him? It wouldn’t even be a thing if it was the other way around and he paid for me and my hyperthetical daughter to go on holiday because I couldn’t afford it? But because he’s a man it’s a bad thing?

He pays for his daughter, she wants for nothing when she’s with us.

And I definitely wasn’t ‘targeted’ by him for my money. He earned more than me at the beginning but ‘Covid’ and that.

So again to reiterate, for all the parents and non parents out there, being able to afford to take your child on holiday does not equal how good you are as a parent 🙄.

OP posts:
Noodles1234 · 05/04/2023 16:18

My first thoughts are DSD, missing her Dad and finding the possibility of a holiday utterly amazing and exciting. That is one of the priorities and part of the deal when you take on step children and parenting as it’s about them not us, I know it is tough at times.

However I don’t blame you for feeling annoyed if you have to pay, and cannot afford for all to come, and naturally to enjoy some bonding time as a new young family.
Difficult and part of the script / joys with blended families.

I would explain you will all have some fabulous holidays, and maybe ask her (with her Mums permission), she helps choose the destination etc for these fun times / go and both choose her a tshirt / dress for said holiday. Also explain sometimes you may go as a 3 in school time as she will be at school and cheaper for you so can save more money for your Family 4 Holidays, and you will bring her back the best big sister present.

Not easy all round, but I do understand the need for your immediate unit.

I think be gentle is key.

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