Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

I dont think you quite understand how his daughter is feeling after the arrival of the new baby. She will of course be feeling all sorts of emotions as another child has just arrived who will be spending all their time with dad as opposed to his daughters very minimal amount of dad time. This year should be different in that he can take dd away. Baby wont care or know either way. Going forward in future years occasionally not taking his dd may be okay, but this is sensitve time for his daughter. And yes. I can see things through his dsughters eyes. Ive been there. Have a bit of empathy....

Not sure how he can be both an amazing dad and a dad who cannot look after his children for a few hours all in the same sentence.

Op, why are you paying for the holidays? Why didnt he pay for his holiday with his child last year? Why cant he pay this year? Why can he not look after two children at once? Who does the parenting of his child mostly? It is his ex and you? Who does the drs and dentist apps, the school runs, the hairdressers, the homework, the daily reading, the clubs? Are they shared responsibilities? Does he have any of the mental load?

People have suggested op take the baby and go alone. People also said the father when he holidays should take both children away as he has two children.

Do you see your stepchildren as your biological childs sibling?

It doesnt matter what you think about the opportunities the mother is offering, it comes down to that question alone - is your stepchildren your biological childs sibling?

Your husband will want them to be siblings so if it was me I'd do what I could to make that happen because it's about the children and their future and relationship, not about whether you want to holiday somewhere a bit more glam, save money or just parent your own.

Coz dad's the one being a dick and trying to make OP pay for his other child.

That would be fine. Just like if you took the baby to soft play or something the older one wasn’t interested in, that would be fine. You’re talking about a family holiday, without 1/4 of your family. Because your stepdaughter is just as much your DH child as your baby.

It's just ridiculous though isnt it.

If that's the logic of it, then surely the 8 year olds mum should take the baby on holiday too then? Surely the baby will be upset at the thought of the 8 year old going on holiday but the baby cant?

This is how it is with blended families.

I had 4 siblings growing up and we had 3 fathers between us. Me and my sister would go on holiday with our dad, or away for the weekend and my mum/step dad and siblings would also do their own thing at the weekends/ go away without us.

The 8 year old has a mum who can take her on holiday, it's not like she doesnt have anyone to take her?

Not sure why partner can't pay for his own child(ren)... If he wants 8year old to come then he pays for her? Why is this down to you to fund? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why are you paying for his daughters holidays? That’s the thing that stands out most to me, especially because you say he’s a spender. It’s not your job to pay for his child, and it doesn’t sound as if you’re even married anyway?

Honestly, I think what you want would be fine, his daughter doesn’t even need to know, in fact, neither does her mother.

Oh and to add, I’m not a step mum, but do have both a stepmum and a stepdad. My biological mum and dad have both taken my other full siblings away without me, as well as my mum and stepdad taking my half brother away without me. Never really bothered me much.

And people have also suggested OP should go alone and he should take his daughter alone in the holidays as if that is fair. It isn't. If he can't go without his daughter then he can't go without his son either.

No. She doesn’t. The fact you think so is ridiculous and hilarious. What on earth is wrong with you.

don’t get with men with children if you cba to take them on, they deserve so much better and he’s obviously not the one for you because the kid is part of the package.

She does only have one child. Just like I do. If I said my step child was my child, his actual mother would have quite literally murdered me. It's not hilarious at all, it's reality. Something you perhaps don't have experience of.

Even if I had wanted to take on my stepson as "my child" I wouldn't have been able to. As it happens he ended up living with us when his actual mother couldn't be arsed with him, but she'd still die before letting me think I am his parent, even though I've parented / paid for him.

I was a glorified babysitter for when she can't be arsed, nothing more. Wasn't allowed to be. So bore off with you "take them on as your own". It often does not work that way.

I suppose now OP has two children she will be able to discipline and make decisions in exactly the same way as the birth mum yes? The 8 year old will call her mum aswell ?
Didn’t think so.

I was told by my ex that his kids would not see me as a mum ( just his girlfriend ).

He and their mum were far too precious to see me as anything more than that .

All the suffering/ sacrifices , no acknowledgement. No thanks .

I never got any thanks either (I did from DH).

I made many sacrifices for her child, parented him when she didn't want him, funded him. She still can't even look at me in the street, it's pathetic.

She literally does only have one child though. I have two stepchildren who I care about and have a great relationship with but they aren't my children, they are my husband's and his exes. Marrying him did not change that, certainly not legally nor morally imo.

These "amazing fathers"🙄 are all the same on MN.

Can't manage to mind their children🙄
Can't afford to pay for them🙄
Target a woman with a well paid job🙄
Feed them whatever bullshit they think will reel them in🙄
Once the baby has arrived and they are stuck, change the narrative to the new mother having to mind, pay, and consider the older child at every turn, or be guilted relentlessly 🙄

These losers follow a well worn pattern.

They cant pay or parent their first child, but look for a mug to do it.

I hope the OP wakes up soon.

Does NOT marry this loser.

Does NOT pay for his child.

Keeps HER money separate.

Keeps her family and friends close.

Keeps her job.

Raises her relationship bar....

He is so NOT an amazing father🙄.

Just another loser who thinks he has found another woman to pay for HIS children.

Amen

What happens if they split up then?
“Oh I had 2 children but now I have 1” ?

OP has one child. She’s a mum of one. She has a stepchild but she’s still a MUM of one and all that entails.

If i went round telling everyone I was my DSD's mum they would look at me like I'd grown another head. Its insulting to their actual mother for a start.

Let me explain what happens when the OP wakes up and dumps the loser.

They get pressure from the loser to continue to babysit, feed, entertain their ex's children.

The Ex's first partner and mother to his first family, who is often in on the act will also put pressure on the OP to remain as skivvy/au pair to children that are not hers, because it suits the childrens actual mother too because they know too well the father is a loser they were happy to get rid of.

Many is the second partner on here who has said if they had their time over they would run a mile.

Another likely request is that the OP be asked to host the step siblings at her home, on her time, because of course the loser father has zero interest in facilitating the children being together, but will push for it as it gets the children off his hands, and of course he is desperate to continue NOT parenting his children.

So many of these men are clones of each other, having children here and there, always on the prowl for the next mug to step in and take on the responsibility of their children.

The step parenting threads on here should be required reading for anyone even considering get involved with these prizes🙄.

It would save these often genuinely nice women, huge heartache and disappointment.

OP has one child. She’s a mum of one. She has a stepchild but she’s still a MUM of one and all that entails.

This!