Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

And you shouldn’t have to pay for her!

If you've plenty UK holidays booked then I honestly do not see the issue with a cheap term time holiday for just you DH and baby.
And step daughter has other holidays with her mum.

So next time it gets mentioned, Yes Sally is coming with us to Butlins in summer but I was thinking about late September when it's a little cooler for baby and cheaper.

We have always gone away term time usually at the start or end of a school holiday (with friends and family) and I know it’s controversial but my own children and the other children going have always missed a few days off school.

My DHs children have never been allowed to miss the days so they have not been able to come, although we have asked every year, even offering to pay the potential fine/catch up on work/make the application etc. None of the group would afford the holidays in term time, we’ve always done it and DH knew the score before we got together. It is also me that pays and I would pay for DHs children too if they were allowed to come too.

I know people are saying that you shouldn’t spend YOUR savings on your OH and DSD going on holiday although I don’t agree with that and I think it’s nice to share money etc I do think that you should be in control of how much you want to spend and not be forced to go in school holidays. You should be able to have the holiday that you want if you are paying. Even if he did pay the extra money then you still probably wouldn’t get the holiday you envisage with DSD being there. Have you considered going alone, just you and the baby if he doesn’t want to go when you want to go and without DSD?
Perhaps he could save for the holiday he wants for next year?

Exactly. I’d ask also where the mother is? Does she expect her daughter to have a holiday paid for by her kids fathers new partner? She should pay if the dad cannot. No way should you be paying for him, his kid and his mother. He has no right to complain about holidays. He should be thankful to you.

I think it’s interesting how split the opinions are on this. Without trying to hijack too much, i’m in a similar-ish position and although we have had holidays with DSS I have now realised the importance of having a holiday with just my DD and DS (DS also half sibling of DSS). I think it’s important to acknowledge the needs of all children in blended families and that means the step child being able to have holidays with both their parents but also the other children also not always being forced into a situation where they now have to share all these things with a child who may have only been in their life for a relatively short while (talking about step siblings here).
In your case OP I can understand in the early days of having a baby you want to protect that time but as your DSD now knows about the holiday it may be tricky to get out of.
Blended families are hard.

@B0711 No. Actually you can’t relax because you have a baby AND an 8 year old that you agreed to step parent. You don’t have one child, your DP definitely does not have one child, grow up.

How pathetic

Charming. What else can’t the OP do because she ‘agreed to be a step parent ‘.
Lord give me strength .

This

an 8 year old that you agreed to step parent.

’step parent’ means you are married to their parent. It does not automatically confer any responsibility at all.

I think when they’re older this would be more unreasonable, but holidaying with just you two and a baby is vastly different to having an 8 year old with you! So yanbu to have some holidays without her when your baby is little. They hardly do anything at that age, and you can visit wherever you like. Add an older child and the holiday is a family holiday, geared towards entertaining them. Maybe try and have a couple of nights somewhere with his DD in summer if you can? But you’re not being unreasonable to go on holiday without her, while your baby is small

Nailed it. You have no parental responsibility when you want to try and out boundaries for behaviour in place, but all of the responsibility when you are paying for a holiday

*try and put

Absolutely . I’m disappointed there has been a pile on against OP, not shocked though .

Agreed.

Glad to read you are not married, be very careful.

Protect yourself.

You are not married.
You are not her step mother.
You do not have parental responsibility.

Divorcing him will be a hassle.

Stay unmarried and wait out the next few years.

Highly likely you will find it revealing if he is such a useless father whom can't manage two children for a few hours🙄

Make sure you don't end up paying for HIS child and doing everything for both children, one of whom is NOT yours.

Invariably that is the expectation with losers.

This is where the both or neither argument breaks down. Because what posters actually mean is DSC and your DC or just DSC. They don't really care if it's your child not going to X Y or Z. There will be some vague justification of 'well their parents are together so it's fine' but really it's just hypocritical nonsense.

It's fine in BOTH directions to do things separately with BOTH children but you can't have it both ways. People on this thread have already suggested your partner take his daughter away alone and you go alone with your baby as if that makes it fair. Erm no... If he can't possibly go away without his daughter then surely it stands to reason that he also cannot go without his son?

It's utterly ridiculous to suggest children with such large age gaps can never do anything separately from each other. Like OP said, are you supposed to tell him he can't take his daughter to the cinema because it's not suitable for a baby and therefore he cannot go? Can't take baby to a baby group because DSD can't go to that?

Silly.

And there is also nothing wrong at all with a parent saying they'd go away without their children! I have done!! Me and DH have done multiple city breaks with none of the kids (DSC and our joint DC), no one died from a broken heart.

@LBFseBrom the OP states that “Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.” So I took that as not a weekend camping once every three years.

@GGBOY so it's a pile on when people have a different view from the OP?

Did I miss OP saying she’d adopted the SD? Because that would mean OP had two children. As it stands, she has one she is mother to and responsible for.

We went on a few cheap UK trips with DD1 during her non school years, without DSS. Both of us knew we wouldn't be able to afford summer holiday prices for all of us, so it was a no brained really, we weren't going to martyr ourselves and DD to never doing anything.

Thing is, at that age, we just didn't mention it to DSS. He's not a particularly observant child and he's never once asked what we've been up to while he was at his mum's. DD was a toddler and never talked about the trips with enough context for him to think it was on holiday - it would just be "we went swimming" or "we went to a sweet shop". So all in all, there was no reason for him to know, really.

But if you've got a partner who's against the idea, then it's always going to feel awkward and fraught. Have you got any relatives you could take on the trip instead?

@B0711

spending any money for her own enjoyment is way out of order
as is breathing - a self indulgent waste of time now she’s a step mother!