Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

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My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

Oh sorry thread police, I know I should have ran my post past you first 🙄

Reading between the lines, it's not about maternity leave or pay etc, it's about you just not wanting the little girl there

@Birdsbirdsbirds what are you doing if not projecting? The OP is in a relationship with a man who has a child. That is absolutely fine but why and how stepmothers can pretend that doesn't and shouldn't have a direct impact on their lives is fucking beyond me. You don't want to share your life and that of your child with other children? Don't have a child with a man who already has children.

So in a family, two parents have two children- both kids both of theirs. They two parents take one child away on holiday abroad, and leave the other child behind, maybe with an auntie or grandparents. There would need to be absolutely no reason given for that?

Our family is blended, has always been blended. It’s one holiday. It’s one holiday that I can’t afford to pay for an additional child onto. He’s not taking us on holiday. I’m taking us on holiday. If it was him paying I would happily have no words to say in terms of who is coming. The whole of Manchester could come for all I care.

Because I’m paying I want it to be a holiday I’ll enjoy. If it was him paying I’d happily take any holiday. It’s like when you pay for a meal out of your money and it’s shite, you’ll complain. When it’s free you just get crack on.

She's 8.
I think your reasons for wanting a break with just the two of you and an undemanding baby are completely valid.
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I also think that the unspoken fears of a first family child with a new half sibling should not be underestimated.
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If you had an 8 year old already would you send her to her Dad's so you could grab a cheap break without her?
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Involve your DSD in everything for now, to the overall benefit of your blended family.

If I had an 8 year old would I send them to their dads for a cheap break? Would I send me 8 year old somewhere they’re loved so I can have a cheap break. Absofuckinglutely. I’d send my baby to a loved ones for a cheap break but no one will have him!

No, you’re right- it’s not comparable- in fact it would be much more acceptable for the non-blended family to decide to leave one child behind from holiday, because the non-blended child is more secure about their position in the family and their relationship with their parents. However, I responding to your point where you said you would not need any reason or excuse at all for leaving one child behind from a family holiday (in any family set up).

In an 8 year olds eyes she will already wonder if dad likes the baby better, the holiday would prove it as far as she is concerned. Uk mini break the weekend she is with mum would be the way I would go.

Tbh maybe I am biased because going on holiday with a new baby never struck me as a relaxing or enjoyable prospect anyway.

Me too! Horrible thing to do in my view, take both or neither.

I’ll bare your ‘take both or neither’ in mind when she’s around and wants to go to clip and climb or go ape etc and the baby can’t go. Just so close minded and black and white. Life is not black and white.

Where do blended families end up ? Are all first family kids traumatised because they didn’t go on that one family holiday when they were 8? Is life supposed to be perfect and ‘equal’ at all times ? One child may be upset , another may not . Is it fun for the 8 year old to holiday with the baby? Doubt it .
Cant OP have any moments for herself in her own right ? Because she is a step mum she has to sacrifice everything she wants/needs ?

Being a step mum is hard and they are held to a much higher standard than a
birth mum. Totally unfair in my opinion.

You don’t know how hard it is being a step mum until you do it . That said OP loves her dsd, she just wants some time with her partner and baby .

Yanbu it's entirely normal for you to want to go away just your partner and baby. If your dsd never went abroad with her mum or dad I'd say its unfair but since she gets that opportunity I think it's entirely fair.

I'm a stepmum, 1 dsd lives with us but I told my dh I would like us to have occasional holidays with just our 2 boys when dsd has time at her mums. Dsd has never been abroad so I wouldn't go abroad without her but on a uk break etc. She recently went on a school trip to France so we used that opportunity to go to butlins (which is too young for her now anyway). It's difficult being blended but I don't think yabu.

I have a similar age gap between SC and my DC.

It's never been an issue because historically my DH would take his son on one holiday a year. When we got married we continued doing this and when we had a baby we still continued doing this. I think to not take him on holiday because now we have our own baby would have been really wrong.

However, we do go on other holidays without SC, just as SC goes on holiday without us. These tend to be in term-time / holidays DH and I would have previously gone on as a couple.

If we only had the money for one holiday in a year we would absolutely prioritise the one where we take SC. I feel really sorry for the 8 year old tbh.

I do also go on holidays just DC and me, or with Nanny, since I have more free time than DH.

You don't agree with lots of posters and you're basically dismissing anyone that says you're being unreasonable. What was the point in posting?

Ok so the conversation went- someone said the OP would need a damn good reason for not taking the DSD. And you said “No, she wouldn’t”. So she doesn’t need a good reason to not take the DSD? So they tell the DSD “we’re going on holiday, no you’re not coming. Why? No reason”. Rather than explaining reasons such as how expensive it is or that the DSD has school?

OP, any thoughts on doing the holiday around your DSD’s contact time so she doesn’t have to know about it?

If you split with your current partner and he went on to have another family and they did that to your eight year old child, you'd be the first to kick off.

And if you wanted to include your 8 year old and your partner said no they didnt want them there, knowing your 8 year old was upset not to go and feeling pushed out by all the big changes to their world a new baby brings?