Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

He'd have to pay for it himself, which might not suit him.

I agree. The fact OP is even worried and thinking about this makes her a good step mum imo . It’s a partner problem if anything . It could be signs of things to come .

You clearly care about her, OP. Please go on your holiday during term time and don’t over-think this. It’s a one-off during your maternity leave!

Yes, of course and I assume he does already do this (or should be). But this thread is all about this one holiday the OP is describing/asking about.

Will DSD’s mother be paying for and taking your child on holiday in the future? Base your decision making on that.

I love her and have done for 4 years. She’s wanted for nothing and still wants for nothing from us. However this is something I want for me. I’m sure we’re all allowed to be a little selfish in life every now and then.

@Bernadinetta I want her to go and have the break she needs.

That is some logic.

I won't comment anymore other than to say I totally understand how you're feeling about maternity leave. My DP worked 6 or 7 days a week when I was on ML and that whole period nearly broke us. I didn't want to leave my DD but going back to work and having my own money - and us as a family just being able to have more financial flexibility- made a huge difference.

I'm not one for joining groups generally but finding other mums will probably make you feel slightly less lonely - at times at least.

One or two a year.

I wouldn't have wanted to go on a holiday which was all about the needs of a baby. I preferred my father to go with his other family separately, and occasionally have him all to myself (well, and my similar aged sister).

I really can't understand why this isn't better for everyone.

OP, there does seem to be a big focus on finances. Do you and DP not share finances? Have a joint account?

Also, just wondering about the question I asked earlier which a few other people have mentioned- can you not work out the timings so that your DSD doesn’t even know you’ve gone away without her?

Yup!

STAND YOUR GROUND OP!

It’s the excuse for this holiday. Wonder what the excuse for the next one will be? Its incredibly obtuse to say that it’s one holiday when it’s immediately after the child’s father has just had a new baby with a woman who has said this is the only one she will have. So at every turn is the excuse going to be but this is the only time my child will be x y or z I want it to be just us. Suppose it’s a handy way to try and block out the fact that the father has done it all before and unlike the OP the baby is not his one and only.

I think you are romanticising this holiday. the reality of travelling with infants is not relaxing - if you are finding it hard at home, realise that on holiday it will still be the same tedious/ difficult stuff but without the routine and gear that helps you manage at home. We did one trip with mine as infants and I then swore never again until they could enjoy it. I have twins though, so nothing was easy in that first year, but many of my friends with single babies also only found holidays relaxing if it involved bringing someone like a grandparent or nanny who could take the childcare duty for a bit.

I think in this romantic vision you have lost perspective a bit. You sound like a great stepmum who has historically embraced dsd, so I say with no judgement that in this specific instance I do think you are potentially overlooking your dsd’s emotional wellbeing. it might be intended as a one-off for you, but I think that first holiday away could unintentionally communicate to dsd that she isn’t part of dad’s new family. In a way I think it would be easier to take later holidays as a threesome, but that first trip is better as a complete family. In all seriousness though, I would hand on heart recommend you spend the money on something else that would give you a real break from the day to day, such as a spa day or babysitter and day/evening outwith dh.

They have a relationship with their dad, they went on holiday with him without OP last year! And on OP's money and with her family, no less.

No. I mean we share bills 50/50 and we take each other out and don’t think twice about who’s got the last whatever and goes getting the next but my money is my money and his is his. I live quite a frugal life and my partner is a bit more ‘you might die tomorrow’ kind of guy so that wouldn’t work for us.

Yes, I think it would be great if she could work something out too- which I why I asked in my first post on this thread whether she could work out the timings so that her DSD doesn’t even know they’ve gone away without her- a little white lie to spare the DSD’s feelings.

Then I got really confused because the OP and others told me I’d misunderstood and that it was actually purely financial why she doesn’t want DSD to come, when I feel that there are other reasons she doesn’t want her to.

She's an 8 year old child. For now you go on family holidays that involve them both.
Things change over time.
While they are small and ant to engage you engage too. Your DH should've paying, not you.

Until you had your own baby. That’s the difference here OP. It’s not a case of being selfish, it’s a case of you having your child and now she is pushed out. It’s actually worse if you have been super involved for four years, so basically all of life that she can remember and as soon as you have a child of your own she is excluded. Try to see if from a child’s point of view.

You’re right, you’d actually need a damn good reason for leaving out one child of the family, rather than a mere excuse.

You might have one but your partner has two children. When he takes his family on holiday it includes both his children. If you were not going to accept and blend his child as part of your family you should have walked away from the relationship long before now. This is a young childs feelings you are playing silly beggars with, this kind of dismissal of their feelings and making them not part of their dads family is exactly why kids from broken homes grow up with self esteem issues.

Did you discuss and agree how your family, which includes his first child, would work before introducing another child into the mix? If he agreed to this he is a shit dad and his second best dd will have bigger issues to deal with as she gets older than a holiday.

I'd be angry mostly that he had gone and made a unilateral decision without you!
In this instance I'm in agreement with you, you should be able to go on holiday with your OP and your child. No step children, MIL, nephew, next door neighbour, just your household. If you lived together of course it would be different.
How would it work taking an 8 year old and a baby. If you're in a hotel would you all share a room or would you need to get a 2 bed apartment (very different cost). A baby is almost portable so you can go out to a restaurant, beach, pool etc and they could sleep if needed. It's a very different dynamic.
As your OH seems to have said this is happening I'd hope he has plenty of annual leave and money. Do not respond as if he's changed your arrangements and this holiday is instead. No! If he's gone ahead and made plans for a holiday with his daughter (with no discussion) that's on him. He can sort this additional holiday. I bet if you say you'll do something yourself that week he won't want to go. Tell him to ask his mum..

Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

There aren't many (any?) advantages to having divorced parents but it two summer holidays are one, then so be it.
Your DH has two children, and you need to accept that.