Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

Do you have children?

I’m sorry but parenting is fucking hard. If I get the chance for a cheap holiday and it’s without my child - lovely stuff. I’d like to see a poll on that because im pretty sure most parents would say exactly the same.

I remember my mother going on holiday without me because it was a cheap get away and my grandad could look after us. No trauma over here. Didn’t feel unloved.

No, do you?

Would I go on holiday without my child so I didn't have to pay the extra costs. Erm, no. Because she's in school and after school club every day and in holiday clubs out of term time because I work full time. I have limited annual leave and don't spend much quality time with her as it is. So no.

I definitely wouldn’t. If that was the case, hyperthetically I’d be expecting him to take his daughter, his son and his new baby on holiday. Not really logical is it?

I’m struggling to prove what shitty point? I’m not trying to prove any point?
I was told I had misunderstood- that the only reason the OP didn’t want the DSD to come is purely financial, not because she wants a holiday with just her DP and baby (despite having stated this in her OP), I asked for her to clear up this misunderstanding by asking about the finances etc but still not really convinced it’s purely financial.
And then the point I’ve repeatedly tried to make is for OP to use her time carefully to do the holiday without the DSD even knowing- it’s a win win as the OP gets her holiday and the DSD doesn’t feel pushed out.
I have an eight year old from a previous relationship and a nearly 2yo with my partner and we’ve done a few trips with just the toddler when DD is with her Dad- nothing too full on abroad etc but the odd night away.

Because I didn’t agree with you when you said the OP doesn’t need a reason for not taking the DSD away.

A mixture with and without normally, but given that this is the first one and may be a bit emotional for dsd, plan two breaks. A cheap one, maybe even camping (leaving baby at home with a grandparent preferably), and a term time one without dsd.

Why can’t the baby go to clip and climb? I’ve taken a baby and several older children to clip and climb. What’s the issue? The baby was happy in the pram or being held watching everyone. Your baby isn’t even anywhere near mobile. Oh you mean unless your baby can do something no one is going, got it!

Deal 🤝😁
OP hope it works out for you and you manage to get something arranged. As you know, you do just have to be mindful of how you approach things in a blended family, and the way adults think kids will feel about things isn’t always the way they do. For example, a kid might get multiple holidays to DisneyWorld, Greece and Timbuktu every year with one parent; but the one they really want is the 4 rainy days in a caravan with the other parent and their new little step-sibling who they love.
I’m waiting to cross the bridge of how to deal with Christmas as my toddler becomes more aware- the past couple of years when she’s been under 1 and then 1.5 she hasn’t had any awareness of waiting til the afternoon when my older DD gets there to open presents but going forwards shes going to be more and more aware… do I wait and have them both open together, does younger DD open alone in morning and then older DD later in the day… do we do Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead?! So many options!

This.

You may not think of your dsd as family, but to your dh, she comes first and he will want her there. To him, excluding her is unthinkable.

However, you should not be paying for her. It is up to your dh to finance his daughter. If he cannot afford her costs, then he cannot afford to come on holiday with you. He has prior obligations.

Ha ha ha says you

I’ve just remembered and checked with my DH. He’s one of four and the two younger children were sometimes left with his grandma while his parents took the older two away. Not every holiday, but I presume it was due to affordability and perhaps because of the age gaps?

Yes, he’s from a non-blended family, but missing some holidays hasn’t caused any longterm resentments. His overall relationship with his parents is what really matters- just as it does for the OP’s DSS.

I understand your reasoning, OP, but a couple of posters have made the point that because this will be the first holiday you're having since your baby was born, your step-daughter may well feel left out. Would your (joint) finances stretch to all four of you going away for a long weekend in the UK, and then a week abroad for you, partner and baby?

(I've no skin in this game, as I don't have children and my 'step-son' was already an adult when I met his father.)

Ok babes

When I had my younger DD with my DP, she was his first child (and only), whereas I already had older DD from previous relationship. I knew/know he would’ve loved more kids. However, he’s a little younger than me, I feel i’m too old (nearly 38) to have more and also the financial side, and for me having 2 children feels complete. I said to him once in a hormonal fit that I was sorry because “I know you would’ve wanted more and for me, I have two but for you, you only have one”. And he said, “no, we have two”. He didn’t mean my older DD was his in that sense- she is 50/50 with her dad and we all have a good relationship. He meant that we have two children in our family unit to consider and do the best we can by.

@Bernadinetta sounds like a keeper

Aw we’ll be away in the UK as a foursome various times in the year. We have London booked, butlins booked and Blackpool booked. We do loads together, we’re a family that likes to get out and about. It’s also not the first abroad family holiday it’s just the first abroad holiday with the baby so I get everyone’s point about her feeling left out. I do. It’s just a hard road to navigate, in my opinion (other strong opinions think otherwise), because I never want a child to feel a certain way because of my decision but then I don’t want my world to stop because of children (my child included before anyone says anything).

I think this one will have to be a solo trip then no one will feel left out apart from my partner but he’s a grown man. I’m sure he’ll cope.