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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

707 replies

Salemtrust · 04/04/2023 19:20

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay.
I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home.
I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on.
Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 04/04/2023 20:46

Yabu. In their eyes they gave you permission to look after them, presumably they know you. They may not know your dd or her boyfriend. Is there a reason he needs to be there? Of course the kids are going to want to stay, they have an event and have probably been looking forward to it for ages. None of them will want to be the odd one out who didn't get to go. I wouldn't want my 10 year old to do the trip on her own, if the train platform changed or it broke down it could likely be stressful. My dh would collect our child in this instance but he'd have to take the day off work to most likely do it. Do the parents drive?

SaySomethingMan · 04/04/2023 20:47

marrymeadam · 04/04/2023 20:00

I went to boarding school and travelled on trains from Penzance to Bristol for weekends and half terms from the age of 10. Kids these days don't even get the chance to show they can manage things like travel by themselves

I bet most kids your age couldn’t do that either…

Sammyandtheboocas · 04/04/2023 20:47

You bring the children back, then go to your emergency.

You cannot abandon these children with a 23 yr old and boyfriend that the parents don't know, that's ridiculous, as is the suggestion of sending them home on public transport ( I assume wires have been crossed here, and you mean paying for the parents transport costs)

I would say you aren't thinking straight due to the emergency, and the other parents are panicking by threatening the police as they cannot believe you will just up and leave them with people they don't know.

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/04/2023 20:47

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 04/04/2023 20:34

Teachers in school, taking kids on school trips could be 23. It's hardly an immature age worthy of automatic distrust. completely different, a teacher is crb checked, known by parents and teachers, trusted by the school community and trained in safeguarding. What an odd comparison.

Yes, and a teacher can't just bring their boyfriend along either. There would need to be at least 2 trained adults if they were sharing accommodation with children.

Sparkleshine21 · 04/04/2023 20:47

Yeah you need to drop all the kids at home before leaving for your emergency. I would not be happy with a random man looking after my daughter

EnjoyingTheSilence · 04/04/2023 20:48

The other parents are being utterly ridiculous. They’ve managed to ensure you’ll not include their daughter again.

Kidnapped ffs

MolkosTeenageAngst · 04/04/2023 20:48

Most parents aren’t going to want a random 23-year-old bloke to be looking after their pre-pubescent daughters. I don’t think it’s really appropriate to pass on your duty of care to your DD and her bf, how well do you really know him? I think if you’ve committed to looking after the girls you should either stay or drop them off home before sorting the emergency. Presumably it isn’t that much of an emergency if it can wait until tomorrow so drop the girls off back at home first.

FlyingCherries · 04/04/2023 20:48

I can’t think of many situations where it wouldn’t be better for your 23 year old and her boyfriend to help out with the family emergency. Unless there has been a death I’d be really annoyed with you tbh, you’ve taken a group of fairly young kids away and your arrangements for them aren’t really adequate. I’d be collecting my child though.

Dymaxion · 04/04/2023 20:48

I think you need to clarify a few things @Salemtrust

  1. how old is the child who's parents are kicking off ? 10, 11 or 12
  2. 4 hrs, is that both ways or 2 hrs to get to you and 2hrs back ?
  3. Public transport , are we talking an hours train/or a longer coach journey with no changes ?
  4. Whats the emergency ?
  5. How well do you know DSD's boyfriend ? have they known each other for years through school, you know the family, they have been together for ages, they are both DBS checked for their jobs, I mean they could be qualified teachers at that age ?
DannyZukosSmile · 04/04/2023 20:49

@IForgotMyUsernameAgain

It's pretty weird that so many people are focused on the fact that DSD is 23. Lots of 23 year olds have children. And it's not like 10 year olds need constant supervision like a toddler.

TOTALLY irrelevant. The deal was that the OP looks after the child. And whilst 'lots of 23 years olds have children,' lots do NOT. And lots of 23 year olds are as immature and irresponsible as fuck. And I would not trust my 10 y.o. daughter with the OP's daughter, as the OP is showing a huge lack or responsibility. So I doubt her 23 y.o. daughter will be any better!

Hardtopickaname · 04/04/2023 20:49

I think you are unreasonable to make the decision to leave other people's children with people they don't know. However, if I was the other parent I would understand the emergency situation and go collect my child.

DannyZukosSmile · 04/04/2023 20:49

Also, as has been said, there is a man unknown to the children! Yeah fuck that.

ConstanceOcean · 04/04/2023 20:49

She’s being very OTT and you have not kidnapped her child.

However I would not be comfortable with a strange man looking after my child which I know is ridiculous.

You should have rang the parents and explained the situation.

If this one parent had an issue then I would have said that she is more than welcome to come and look after them.

herlightmaterials · 04/04/2023 20:49

You're not behaving acceptably and I can understand they are worried sick. You can't just leave someone else's 10 year old in the care of a 20 something and unknown man. If they can't collect I can see why they feel driven to say silly things. Which they are doing.

MrMarkham · 04/04/2023 20:50

@Nanny0gg that doesn't seem to be the situation though. There's been an emergency but she doesn't need to leave immediately so it's not a case of getting someone/anyone in in desperation while she immediately leave, until the parents can get there. It's to facilitate them still going to an event on Thursday. There doesn't seem to be much recognition that leaving a group of young children in your care should be taken very seriously under any circumstances, but it seems like OP thinks it should be an acceptable alternative for the daughter and her boyfriend to take over for the next two or three days. Which makes me wonder about the nature of the emergency to be honest.

AlwaysGinPlease · 04/04/2023 20:50

What's the emergency?

HalliwellManor · 04/04/2023 20:50

I wouldn't want my 10year old daughter being looked after by someone I don't know,especially if she's 4 hours away!.Equally,Hell no would I allow my DD to travel on public transport by herself!!
I think it's your responsibility to ensure she's returned safely to her parents.

PCPurpleHelmet · 04/04/2023 20:50

Talk of the police and kidnapping is silly - but YABVVVVU, OP.

I have a 23yo DC, and I trust them 100% - but there is no way I would leave them in charge of a group of 10-12 year old girls. In the situation you describe, OP, I'd put it to the other parents that an emergency had come up at home (though clearly not a big emergency, if it can wait another day), and I would like their views on what they would like me to do. These would be 'bring everyone home', 'leave a 23 yr old whom you have probably never met, and her random boyfriend in charge', and 'you are welcome to collect your child'. Suggestions would definitely not include putting children on trains, and that's despite the fact that mine did travel on trains unaccompanied at 11+, having built up to it for a year or so beforehand.

If you'd originally asked if other parents were happy for your DSD and her boyfriend to take their daughters away, I suspect every single one would have said no.

In your 'shit choices' scenario, I'd have had to stick my younger DC in the car and drive for 4 hours to collect my DD and I would not forgive you for that in a hurry.

abstractplantpot · 04/04/2023 20:51

I guarantee more than one set of these parents is pissed off! I think YABU. I'd be really annoyed if you did this to my daughter. At that age she isn't old enough to be dumped on public transport for 4 hrs. They are vulnerable children and your leaving them with a girl and man the parents don't know! Shocking.

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 04/04/2023 20:51

This is surely wind-up. Nobody in their right mind would think this is OK.

ConstanceOcean · 04/04/2023 20:51

I agree but they may not drive or know anyone who drives.

Aturnipforthebooks · 04/04/2023 20:52

@ConstanceOcean

However I would not be comfortable with a strange man looking after my child which I know is ridiculous.

Why is it ridiculous to not want a man you don't know to look after your child?

Tohaveandtohold · 04/04/2023 20:52

I think YABU, I have a 10 year old and there’s no way I’ll put her on public transport for a trip that’s 4 hours when driving which can be up to 6 hours on public transport. Even as an adult, when I have a journey like this, I plan ahead so the fact that you suggested that as an option will make me honestly doubt how you access risk.
If I had a situation like this, what I would do is to call the parents first and let them know the plan to let the 23 yo and boyfriend look after their child and anyone who is not happy with it, I’ll return their child home as I’ve already planned and attend to the emergency from there.

Sobloodysoreandfedup · 04/04/2023 20:52

I highly doubt this is real but if it is YABVU and you are bang out of order.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 04/04/2023 20:53

I am really surprised at the voting on this. To me it’s a no brainer that it is unreasonable to leave children of this age, 4 hours from home, in the care of a young woman and young man who are strangers to them and to their parents.

My view might be mitigated a bit if I knew what the emergency is that has called you back. But the fact that you do not have to leave immediately militates against it being, literally, life or death.