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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

707 replies

Salemtrust · 04/04/2023 19:20

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay.
I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home.
I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on.
Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Moonshild · 05/04/2023 19:03

That is the most sensible answer I’ve seen! I’d do the same. I’m really shocked at some of the replies!

ConstableGoody · 05/04/2023 19:06

IamKlaus · 05/04/2023 18:34

Christ, the idiocy. For the unable to comprehend:

If you look after another child, any child, and their parent is not their YOU are responsible for them at that moment in time. When your children are at school, the school is responsible for them. When a family member takes them out for the day, they are responsible for them.

This does not mean the parent gives up ultimate responsibility for them, but the parent is not there, and the adult who has chosen to be there is immediately responsible for them. They have a responsibility to look after them, when the parent is not there.

If you do not understand this, do not even stand too close to other peoples children.

Idiots.

Show quote history

@IamKlaus out of interest, what happens if your kid vomits all over their desk at school?

Do the school ring you (or other emergency contact)? Or do you not provide emergency contact numbers because they have responsibility for your child?

When they ring do you say “sorry, you agreed to keep them until 3:30 therefore you have to fulfil that obligation”?

In fact, what if the school closes at 10:45 with no warning because of a flood/fire/outbreak of bubonic plague? Are you then able to comprehend that they agreed to to take responsibility for your child UNLESS THERE IS AN EMERGENCY? In which case you have to take responsibility for them again?

opinionssoughtplease · 05/04/2023 19:11

ConstableGoody · 05/04/2023 19:06

@IamKlaus out of interest, what happens if your kid vomits all over their desk at school?

Do the school ring you (or other emergency contact)? Or do you not provide emergency contact numbers because they have responsibility for your child?

When they ring do you say “sorry, you agreed to keep them until 3:30 therefore you have to fulfil that obligation”?

In fact, what if the school closes at 10:45 with no warning because of a flood/fire/outbreak of bubonic plague? Are you then able to comprehend that they agreed to to take responsibility for your child UNLESS THERE IS AN EMERGENCY? In which case you have to take responsibility for them again?

Show quote history

The key thing here being that it is the responsible adults, chosen by the parent, who are responsible for the care and wellbeing of the child, not a stand-in person chosen by that 'responsible' person

Nocutenamesleft · 05/04/2023 19:15

romdowa · 04/04/2023 19:43

Nah sorry but you took them away, so its your responsibility to bring them back or to take care of them. You've assumed a duty of care to these children and you can't just pawn them off on someone else without their parents permission.

I think this too sadly.

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 19:19

@Nocutenamesleft OP
got the parents permission, bat the one that wants to call the police.

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 19:19

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 19:19

@Nocutenamesleft OP
got the parents permission, bat the one that wants to call the police.

bar the one

ConkerBonkers · 05/04/2023 19:19

I think you should see if one of the other parents can come to take over. Failing that either take the children back yourself, or ask for the parents of the other children to help and take them home. It is extremely unreasonable to expect the other parents to be okay with young people they don't know in charge, or for them to have the capacity to collect, or for a very young child to make their way on public transport without the company of an adult who is known to the parents. I think you need to send dsd off to the emergency till you can get there, and you need to take all the kids home in the meantime. If I were you I think you should also reimburse the parents for the cost of this activity on Thursday out of a gesture of goodwill.

Nocutenamesleft · 05/04/2023 19:19

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 19:19

@Nocutenamesleft OP
got the parents permission, bat the one that wants to call the police.

I know. But the one who hasn't given permission. I can see why they're upset. What if they don't drive? You can't send a child that young on a significant journey.

thing47 · 05/04/2023 19:20

BignBootiful · 05/04/2023 19:01

I ask in all sincerity what kind of parent doesn't mind if a friend who took them away for the night suddenly leaves them in the care of a young couple that the parent has never met?

Show quote history

Presumably the other DCs' parents who were all happy with the alternative arrangements that OP put in place…

ConstableGoody · 05/04/2023 19:20

opinionssoughtplease · 05/04/2023 19:11

The key thing here being that it is the responsible adults, chosen by the parent, who are responsible for the care and wellbeing of the child, not a stand-in person chosen by that 'responsible' person

Show quote history

@opinionssoughtplease of course- if the op had fucked off and left the kids with her dsd and random bloke without consulting the parents that would be terrible. But she asked all the parents before she left- they had the choice to say yes/no to the change in child care or to collect their child some time in the next 12 hours before the op left.

It is basically the same with school- x emergency happens, the school closes, the teachers leave, one or 2 stay behind with the stragglers- you have some time to get your kids Collected.

I’m not saying it’s a great situation- I definitely wouldn’t have accepted the offer of sd having them or a train… so I would have collected my child.

Atsocta · 05/04/2023 19:22

Tell them to collect her or leave her, not your problem
blinking nerve some people have ,,, don’t be bullied

Nocutenamesleft · 05/04/2023 19:23

Salemtrust · 05/04/2023 08:38

Sorry for disappearing. I've left now and dsd arrived in the night, they are sending someone else to collect their daughter today who is obviously extremely upset at having to leave her friends and not get to go to the event as are the other girls about her leaving.
So I guess it's been resolved now, there will probably be a fall out to deal with when I get home though.
To answer some of the main questions. The emergency involves a single parent family members younger children and a medical emergency that no one else can help with. This is my side of the family and a sensitive situations and I wouldn't expect or ask dsd to go and help instead. She's more than capable and comfortable with looking after her sister and her friends though which she has done before with different friends.
If any of the children were distressed I would arrange for them to travel home either by public transport or getting someone to come and collect them but they all were more than happy to stay with dsd, the two other parents are also more than happy for their kids to stay.
I obviously wasn't going to put their child on public transport without their consent, I just offered to cover the cost of that's the option they wanted.

So the parents don’t drive

yesh I wouldn’t be happy if you offered to send them on public transport alone. My kids have never been on a train or a bus alone. Let alone one that might involve changing stations etc

i think as someone said you should of brought the child back and then dealt with the situation.

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 19:23

@Nocutenamesleft the what if they don't drive has been done to death!

They've made arrangements, which unsurprisingly they could do and it hasn't involved the police

So it's all sorted and OP has not just left the child with someone without agreement.

Paul2023 · 05/04/2023 19:23

Kidnap? Their child wasn’t kidnapped. They willingly went with you. You have her parents an alternative.
Let them call the police, they’ll take her back home for you for free ! PS- if the parents are that concerned, why don’t they come and collect her?

Nocutenamesleft · 05/04/2023 19:24

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 19:23

@Nocutenamesleft the what if they don't drive has been done to death!

They've made arrangements, which unsurprisingly they could do and it hasn't involved the police

So it's all sorted and OP has not just left the child with someone without agreement.

😂😂😂😂😂😂. Ok. So you wrote that reply to every single poster who thought the same as me on the post. I'll wait.......

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 19:24

@Nocutenamesleft what's made you assume the parents don't drive??

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 19:25

@Nocutenamesleft no, just made an example of you!

But do keep on waiting!

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 19:31

I can't believe that something done in good will is met with such selfish hostility and aggression when the kind person finds herself in a dilemma.

Intent isn't magical, & OP leaving to deal with this muddily-described "emergency" could have created a brand new emergency featuring a bunch of 10 - 12 year olds in the care of a 23 year old whose competence OP deemed insufficient to attend the original "family emergency" in her stead.

That got jack-all to do with good will, & everything to do with wilfully obtuse & dangerous actions.
Not that you should let it worry you @Ellyess, as this thread is a concoction, a whimsy, & the thing that could have tipped you off was the casual froth-inducer about putting the allegedly kidnapped DC on safe public transport 😂& leaving her to manage an unknown journey, solo, that takes a car driver 4 hours ...

BellePeppa · 05/04/2023 19:36

Regardless of anything I’m just shocked OP thinks it okay as an option to put a 10-12 yr old on public transport alone on an unfamiliar journey that is the distance of a four hour car ride away. I’m not a driver so I googled what kind of distance that could be and it could be Manchester to London by car. That’s a long way! It makes me wonder what OP’s idea of child safety/well being is?

starray · 05/04/2023 19:39

Errmmm...you want to send a 10 year old on a 4 hour journey back home alone?!

ConstableGoody · 05/04/2023 19:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Atsocta · 05/04/2023 19:41

And how the heck is it kidnapping? Stupid stupid woman!!
ring the police yourself not 999 of course, but on another local number and explain the situ, let them reassure you,.. I don’t believe some people

Nocutenamesleft · 05/04/2023 19:43

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 19:25

@Nocutenamesleft no, just made an example of you!

But do keep on waiting!

Hehehe. Your hysterical. Oh. This is brilliant.

Nocutenamesleft · 05/04/2023 19:46

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 19:24

@Nocutenamesleft what's made you assume the parents don't drive??

Because the op said the parents have sent someone else to get their own old…..

I would imagine if they did drive or did have a car the reply would be so they’re on their way

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 19:48

@Nocutenamesleft but they could be working, not able to get a day off.....

Lots of reasons why they couldn't come?

And if they couldn't drive but we're not working, why not take public transport to collect the child?