Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

[Salemtrust]

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay.
I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home.
I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on.
Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

I can see the point of view that they don't want to leave her with a 23 yo. However they do need to come and get her, if your child goes away with another family surely you are in standby to get them in an emergency, which this is.

You think "you took them away so you're responsible for them " is in some way weird, and people scare YOU?

Fuck me, on what planet can anyone think you aren't responsible for children in your care? What is actually WRONG with you?

Seeing all the updates I wouldn't be on about ringing the police I'd be on my way. Can't see what the police would do other than tell them to go get my child, you've hardly kidnapped her.

If I didn't know the 23 year old and her BF I would go and collect my kid if it was a 10 hour drive. The op isn't to know they would have a family emergency so why would u be mad at the op???? Sh1t happens.

Yes it would be a bind, but nobody to blame, sadly with some people there always is someone to blame.

I think the OP has got it wrong here, but she was clearly trying to do a nice thing by sourcing alternative childcare which would enable the DCs to still go to their event (and that's on top of the nice thing she had already done by taking them in the first place).

If OP's solution was totally unreasonable then surely all the other parents would also have objected? And they didn't, so clearly more than one family considered the OP's answer to the unexpected crisis was acceptable to them.

In light of that, the parent who has talked of 'kidnapping' and calling the police seems a bit bonkers. Surely most normal people's reaction on being told of a family emergency is to say 'how awful, what can we do to help'?

Why don't you offer to pay for the other child's parents to come and take over?
If you have a genuine family emergency, I think you've acted appropriately and offered the other parents a good choice. You asked them. You haven't placed those children in any danger at all yet. Anyway, they are responsible for their child's safety. If they think that's been compromised because of a serious risk, then they can happily do what they feel necessary to protect their child. However, if you, as the appropriate and responsible adult, have considered any risks towards those children, and thought the 23 year old was the safest bet, then that's great. Those parents had entrusted you with their child on a holiday, where you were further entrusted to make those responsible decisions regarding their child if necessary. If they are not agreeable with your ability to safeguard their child now, then they need to sort out their own arrangements.

I am surprised at their lack of support in a difficult situation though.
Very dramatic language by them which has provoked unneccessary distress.
I think they are being entirely unreasonable and just plain shitty. Sounds like they were liking not having kids around for a bit and this has scuppered their plans.

Or I'm not happy with the new arrangements I'm coming to get them now? If they were worried enough to call the police surely they would bother?

Weird goings on.

The planet where each parent assumes responsibility for their own child! If my child goes away with another family I don’t just relinquish responsibility, if for whatever reason I’m unhappy with any aspect I would go and get them.

@IndianaJoanna do you actually know what smarmy means?

I've no idea in what way you think I've been smarmy?

Omg, some of the commecants on here are vile, uncaring and very selfish. The OP has a family emergency, how do you know that dosent mean a close relative is dying that she needs to be with before its to late. No terms and conditions have been broken. Can you all say that if it was your relative, you wouldnt do the sam?, holidays can wait, this wasnt done purppsely and all the families have been informed of what is happening. Its a very unfortunate event which the op is trying to remedy the best she can.

Christ, the idiocy. For the unable to comprehend:

If you look after another child, any child, and their parent is not their YOU are responsible for them at that moment in time. When your children are at school, the school is responsible for them. When a family member takes them out for the day, they are responsible for them.

This does not mean the parent gives up ultimate responsibility for them, but the parent is not there, and the adult who has chosen to be there is immediately responsible for them. They have a responsibility to look after them, when the parent is not there.

If you do not understand this, do not even stand too close to other peoples children.

Idiots.

We know by reading the thread. It's not a real emergency.

Not being unreasonable but I don't think I'd want your elder daughters boyfriend around younger children

I think we need to know what the emergency is ! If it was so dire - I would as the parent still take any kids home that wanted to go, then deal with the emergency ..

Hi,
I comprehend your point of view but I don’t 100% agree with it, it doesn’t make me an idiot, just that we have differing opinions, and that is ok.
The OP made an alternative arrangement so that they could still enjoy the trip, if I disagreed with the arrangement I would go and get my child. I would be grateful to the OP for the opportunity but would probably carefully consider whether they went again if the opportunity came up. I don’t expect every parent to agree with me and wouldn’t berate them, like you have done, if they disagreed.
Maybe take some time out from mumsnet - the name calling and abuse is really rather unpleasant

Thank you - I agree!

@skelter83 age tan can also be year 6 depending on month child was born. My daughter is in year 6, she’s a June baby.

From my reading of this thread the posters advocating ultimate parental responsibility are very well aware of what in loco parentis means. You're arguing a straw man, not least undermining your own points by calling other people 'idiots'.

No one is suggesting the carer doesn't have 'immediate responsibility' for others' children whose care is entrusted to them. They are merely suggesting that if the unexpected happens, they would prefer to assume responsibility for their own children. That is the way 'in loco parentis' works. In situations with sick children, for instance, there are certain things schools cannot do, such as administering medication. In such situations of sickness and emergency the responsible and only appropriate action is to defer to the parents. The decision as to how that emergency is dealt with then resides in its proper place.

Frankly, any parent (unless she's a guiding leader or similar) taking a gaggle of 10-yos a considerable distance away, without DBS checks or similar, or a secure contingency plan agreed ahead with all parents, needs their bumps feeling, but this of course is a separate issue.

And the parent talking of kidnapping and calling the police? They must either have been reading far too much Enid Blyton, or are completely whackadoo. What a ridiculous response.

a unilateral decision to leave these parents' kids this is the crux of it @KettrickenSmiled.

The OP did a good thing taking DC on a trip but when you make a commitment like that you actually are expected to do it. The OP didn't have an emergency, someone else did. The responsible thing to do was tell the other parents about the emergency & ask if it was ok for DSD & BF to step in and only leave if they agreed, but if not OP would remain with them. Instead she threw on her superhero cape and left parents with the option of suck it up or your kid gets a train on their own. Not even an offer to take them home or meet parents en route. Some parents are bound to be fine with this and others aren't, so when you have responsibility for other people's DC you just take the time to check. Its really not difficult.

The distance is a bit of a red herring, and so is the sleepover aspect. If your DC went to a friend's house for tea and the parent told you later that they'd gone out to pilates but it was OK she left the DC with 65yo Brian from across the street who loves kids, and his American bully's are soft as your cap, its the same thing. DSD & BF could easily be parents at 23 so that's not really the issue, its the unilateral decision to ditch the DC and the wide eyed surprise when that isn't OK with everyone.

You need to take the children home first. Family, emergency or not you need to take care of the children first. due to their ages.
The best result would be for one of the parents to pick them up.

I ask in all sincerity what kind of parent doesn't mind if a friend who took them away for the night suddenly leaves them in the care of a young couple that the parent has never met?

"them" meaning their children, of course.

I can't believe that something done in good will is met with such selfish hostility and aggression when the kind person finds herself in a dilemma. If I were taking away three 10-12 yo friends of my daughter, I would expect that the parents were my good friends and were grateful for my giving their daughter this opportunity. When a problem arose I would have been very hurt by this reaction. Obviously the OP trusts her DsD and the children are old enough and have each other too, so will be OK for a short time.
Talk of Police and legal contracts is dreadful when this is a mum who is a friend kind enough to give three of her daughter's friends a holiday and an event over Easter week when she suddenly is needed under unforeseen drastic circumstances, but has made arrangements for cover by someone who is not a stranger and who has cared for her daughter and friends before. 23 is not too young either. It is old enough to be a qualified Teacher, Police Officer, Church Youth Leader, Girl Guide Leader and many other things. Having her boyfriend there is a good idea, I think, as an extra adult is always useful.

Just what kind of people are those parents, who can dump their child on a kind friend for a week but not want to help when an emergency arises? Reminds me of the 10 or so girls after their GCSEs a few yrs ago, given a free holiday in a gite in France, driven there by my friend with her adult son. They were taken out, fed, given a great time without chores .. didn't even help wash up. On arriving home in their small town in the UK, to which my friend drove all the way from south France [minus the Channel!], they were collected by their parents and not one said thank you to my friend or her son. Free holiday, free food, free entertainment, free travel, free care and not a word of thanks. All were from a fee-paying school.

Some people are not worth kindness or generosity. It's their daughter for whom I feel sorry.

Personally I think you should’ve stayed with the girls, the other person having the medical emergency should’ve found someone else, a friend for example, that wasn’t away with other peoples children!…
In extreme circumstances a single parent would have to take all her kids with her to hospital.