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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

707 replies

Salemtrust · 04/04/2023 19:20

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay.
I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home.
I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on.
Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Zazazoolly · 05/04/2023 17:55

Why don’t you preempt them and call the police yourself to find out where you stand. Better to know the legal facts

Noangelbuthavingfun · 05/04/2023 17:56

You haven't done anythingvanythingvw

ConstableGoody · 05/04/2023 17:57

Jackiewoo · 05/04/2023 17:30

surely one of the first things to consider before you let your kid sleep somewhere (anywhere) else is ‘could I collect them at 3am if there is an emergency?! If the answer is no because of any reason then you don’t let them go! it wasn't an emergency for the OP, it was someone else's emergency she decided to be the hero of. Of course you let them go, you just don't expect the person you've entrusted them with to fuck off to do something else.

@Jackiewoo no you don’t expect them to just fuck off but you do plan for there to be any kind of emergency concerning your child. In this case the emergency was needing to suddenly collect your child because the op had decided to leave- rightly or wrongly- they should have had a plan.

I’m not saying it isn’t annoying, inconvenient etc and possibly the op is unreasonable in this case, but 100 things can go wrong in these situations so parents need a plan!

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 05/04/2023 17:59

Yes calling the police is exaggerated . But I think you are very irresponsible too . You are leaving a bunch of pre tens with young people that parents do not know and haven’t even had a criminal record checked .
Personally I would drive that child home , I think expecting a 10 year old do go on public transport on what I assume is over 4 hours is extremely irresponsible and you will be putting her in serious danger . The reality is those children are 100% under your responsibility so leaving before they leave is not ok at all .

EMUKE · 05/04/2023 17:59

I’m sorry but you need to sort out the child being taken back to the care of their parents. I agree with other posts, you have taken the responsibility to take these CHILDREN away. The parents agreed on certain conditions. The conditions have changed for what ever reason. The children can not and should not be being looked after by young adults. You need to care for the children the moment they are in your care till they are back in the parents care. It’s as simple as that. God forbid anything was to happen to any of them while you was away. You are the grown up and I’m sorry but I wouldn’t trust a 23 years old to look after children. If the emergency is that bad you all go back simple. DO NOT LEAVE THEM! You took on a duty of care! I would call the police too.

Noangelbuthavingfun · 05/04/2023 18:00

You haven't done anything wrong per se as you sorted an alternative - but you are being unreasonable. A 23yr old and bf us hardly the right solution for a group of 10 to 12 year old. If anything happened to them how would you feel for putting your SD and the kids in that situation? I'd be fuming if I was the other parent at the situation itself - but I would come and collect my kid so as to be sure its all ok. I would also understand it can't be helped - but ideally you would have brought her back as you are in charge of their care.

TheBiologyStupid · 05/04/2023 18:00

Fatkittythinkitty · 04/04/2023 19:52

Surely it depends on the emergency?

I would do whatever I could to help if a mum in charge of my kid had a family emergency in the sense I'm thinking of - eg a parent having a heart attack or something.

I absolutely would not expect them to drive my kid home.

Absolutely this.

Noangelbuthavingfun · 05/04/2023 18:03

Just to add your solution of putting even a 12 year old on public transport... miles away on a journey they haven't ever done before is irresponsible of you. They are vulnerable kids.... Perhaps you are not thinking straight and stressed about the emergency. You would be in very deep trouble if something happened to them but hopefully none of the parents would agree to this ! I hope you can look back on this and see where you have gone wrong

Zazazoolly · 05/04/2023 18:05

Do these children not have a father somewhere or father’s family? Does the FM not have friends or other family members who can hold the fort until you get there on Thursday night?

opinionssoughtplease · 05/04/2023 18:06

YABU. These children are young, and need the trusted supervision and known care of the adult their parents allowed them to go with. If I was a parent I would be very unhappy about my child being left with unknown 23 year old and her bf.

Zocola · 05/04/2023 18:08

Agree.

Chocrock · 05/04/2023 18:09

YourMagicSwirlingShip · 04/04/2023 19:59

This is bonkers, as are some of the replies on here. I'm trying to imagine what I would do if I were the mum of one of your dd's friends. I'd probably offer to come and look after them myself. I'd definitely say omg nightmare, are you OK and is there anything I can do? And not start wanging on about the police/ kidnapping/ breaking agreements. I mean, really.

I totally agree

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 18:10

Hunter2501 · 05/04/2023 17:48

Can’t be trusted??? She had an emergency and now she’s being told she can’t be trusted.
I really hope the other parents tried to help or at least showed a shred of sympathy for the situation

Emergency, aye?

Quite non-specific, for an emergency situation innit.
OP doesn't report requesting any help from the parents, who may well have been unavailable anyway, believing that their DC were being capably looked after by her.
She describes a unilateral decision to leave these parents' kids in preference for other kids apparently undergoing an emergency so dire that abandoning other people's children was the only option.

The only emergency I can readily think of as sufficient to cause me to walk away from kids whose safety & comfort I'd volunteered to take charge of is a sudden house fire endangering other kids.
But the only specifics OP has been prepared to give is that the emergency was too much for her 23 year old DSD to handle, & that only she, in the entire country, could provide the emergency help apparently required. Fishy.

Ineke · 05/04/2023 18:10

Slightly over the top with the police but I can see their concern, however, as it is an emergency for you, they should come to pick up their child if worried. I would not be happy with leaving my child with two young adults who are unknown to the children. I would say that you are responsible from start to finish of the trip, I would therefore see all children back safely home before I attended to your emergency. If anything should happen to any of the children while you were not supervising, you would be held responsible. Also, a safeguarding concern. Sorry, but YABU.

PeachyPeachTrees · 05/04/2023 18:12

YABU You should have told relative that you can't help because you are miles away and the sole responsible adult with a group of young girls. If you need to cancel, then you bring all girls home safely. I have children that age and no way could they go on public transport alone for a really long journey for the first time. There should be 2 adults on this trip, in case of emergency. I think calling Police is extreme but I can understand their worry.

menopausalbloat · 05/04/2023 18:12

I'd be very fkin pissed if you did this to my kid.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 18:16

About these 2 young adults who were conveniently deemed by OP to not be up to providing the unspecified emergency help that caused her to abandon the children she'd guaranteed to care for ...

Supposing an emergency (specific or otherwise) occurred while OP was away?
Suddenly the 2 young adults ARE capable after all, & can safeguard a bunch of 10 - 12 year olds in an emergency situation?

Still, I expect it's been fun seeing a wild accusation of kidnapping get frothed to the max over 21 pages, so am confident OP got what she wanted from her thread.

EMUKE · 05/04/2023 18:16

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Iv just gone through posts. I’m just shocked you actually left. Thank god my child isn’t old enough for trips away or sleep overs but after this I will second guess any offers of nights away. I hope no one trust you with their children again.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 18:18

PeachyPeachTrees · 05/04/2023 18:12

YABU You should have told relative that you can't help because you are miles away and the sole responsible adult with a group of young girls. If you need to cancel, then you bring all girls home safely. I have children that age and no way could they go on public transport alone for a really long journey for the first time. There should be 2 adults on this trip, in case of emergency. I think calling Police is extreme but I can understand their worry.

The by "safe public transport" was a genius shark jump, to be fair.

amassiveoverthinker · 05/04/2023 18:19

If 4 hours away i am only presuming that you'd need to come back home or near home..
Id of taken the girl with me dropped her off and go to my emergency or atleast got her close to home for them to arrange collections .
Do you drive ?
I don't think i'd be happy with 10/12 year old being left with stranger to be fair.
I wouldn't call the police but if a reasonable (bit of effort on your side) to bring her nearer to home i'd pick her up myself. I have 3 children i'd have to travel 8 hours with.
eak what a sad turn out for the girl and parents and you and of course your friends child.

Lozois99 · 05/04/2023 18:21

They are being over the top. However, it is your responsibility to return the child AND accompany the child home. There is no way that putting the child on public transport alone is an acceptable solution. You should do this on the way to your family emergency

suburbophobe · 05/04/2023 18:21

happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport

A ten or 12 year-old? For a 4-hour journey. Maybe some changes of trains...?

I'd be fucking furious too if that was my daughter.

Calling the police though is over the top.

Sorry OP. You are responsible for getting her home.

No, I wouldn't be feeling secure with two randoms taking care of my kids, however lovely they might be. Because I have NO IDEA!

BellePeppa · 05/04/2023 18:22

ConstableGoody · 05/04/2023 17:11

@MRex surely one of the first things to consider before you let your kid sleep somewhere (anywhere) else is ‘could I collect them at 3am if there is an emergency?! If the answer is no because of any reason then you don’t let them go!

Show quote history

I can’t imagine me okaying one adult to be the scare of my child a four hour car ride away

BellePeppa · 05/04/2023 18:24

BellePeppa · 05/04/2023 18:22

I can’t imagine me okaying one adult to be the scare of my child a four hour car ride away

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Pressed too soon!! I can’t imagine okaying my child to be in the sole care of one person, who also has several other kids in their care, for several days a four hour drive away in the first place.

ConstableGoody · 05/04/2023 18:24

BellePeppa · 05/04/2023 18:22

I can’t imagine me okaying one adult to be the scare of my child a four hour car ride away

Show quote history

@BellePeppa I agree, something was bound to go wrong.