Page 18 | Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

Salemtrust · 2023-04-04T18:20:06+00:00

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay. I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home. I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on. Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

coconutpie · 05/04/2023 10:56

OP, YABU and completely irresponsible. You should have told your family member that you are away for the week, responsible for a number of children, and you can't come. Or cut the entire trip short and bring all the children home. Your suggestion of getting two 23 year olds who the other parents do not know to look after their DC while they are 4 hours away from home is batshit, as is suggesting you'd put a small child on public transport for that length of a journey. I can understand why the parents are furious and upset and probably that's why they said what they said (some of which was unreasonable but they are probably just furious). You owe them a massive apology and you need to bring the child back home to them. Those parents have consent for YOU to look after them, not other adults that they do not know.

IamKlaus · 05/04/2023 10:59

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 05/04/2023 10:25

But that’s not what happened is it?

OP tried to work with them to find a solution, they wouldn’t accept any of them (even though the other parents were understanding and happy with them). The only thing they were happy with was for OP to ignore her own families urgent needs because they weren’t prepared to be flexible in any way.

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Yes, that's exactly what happened. OP told them she was leaving their kids and would not return them. She offered two equally terrible options; public transport alone or an unknown man coming to stay overnight with them. She offered nothing else.
The only real option open to them was to come and get them, and we don't know if they drive or what other issues this may cause.

What flexibilty should they have shown....assent to either one of OP's bonkers notions?

You're as cracked as OP.

lljkk · 05/04/2023 11:10

With update, I'm still in YANBU camp.

TorchwoodWho · 05/04/2023 11:23

IamKlaus · 05/04/2023 10:59

Yes, that's exactly what happened. OP told them she was leaving their kids and would not return them. She offered two equally terrible options; public transport alone or an unknown man coming to stay overnight with them. She offered nothing else.
The only real option open to them was to come and get them, and we don't know if they drive or what other issues this may cause.

What flexibilty should they have shown....assent to either one of OP's bonkers notions?

You're as cracked as OP.

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An unknown man? Everyone keeps saying random man/stranger but I thought it was DSD's partner. Maybe unknown to the parents in the same way my DP would be unknown to some of my friends but hardly a stranger plucked off the street. Plus DSD is there.

The highly emotive "she was going to be left with a random man or dumped on public transport!" posts are far too OTT. As it turns out, the dramatic parent is collecting their child...
Honestly, if they were enough of a nutter to think their child was a kidnap risk and ready to call the police, driver or not, you'd move heaven and earth to get to your child. As it is, they decided to yap nonsense at OP instead, and create drama. I feel for their DD, sounds like she's already upset and the drama her parent will no doubt play out for as long as possible will make it worse.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 05/04/2023 11:25

YABU, cutting the trip short because of an emergency is fine but it was your responsability to return the kids to their parents if they felt uncomfortable having a 23yo and her boyfriend supervise (do they even know your DSD? And the boyfriend?)

IamKlaus · 05/04/2023 11:29

TorchwoodWho · 05/04/2023 11:23

An unknown man? Everyone keeps saying random man/stranger but I thought it was DSD's partner. Maybe unknown to the parents in the same way my DP would be unknown to some of my friends but hardly a stranger plucked off the street. Plus DSD is there.

The highly emotive "she was going to be left with a random man or dumped on public transport!" posts are far too OTT. As it turns out, the dramatic parent is collecting their child...
Honestly, if they were enough of a nutter to think their child was a kidnap risk and ready to call the police, driver or not, you'd move heaven and earth to get to your child. As it is, they decided to yap nonsense at OP instead, and create drama. I feel for their DD, sounds like she's already upset and the drama her parent will no doubt play out for as long as possible will make it worse.

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Yes, an unknown man. If my DD is on that trip, its her friends mothers husbands daughters boyfriend....on what planet is that not an unknown man? He's a complete stranger.

he highly emotive "she was going to be left with a random man or dumped on public transport!" posts are far too OTT. As it turns out, the dramatic parent is collecting their child...

Nothing emotive or OTT about it, those were the two options offered by the OP. The parent is not dramatic.

I guarantee any of you actual in the same position would not think of yourselves as dramatic, you'd be completely appalled if it were your actual child. It's only because its a hypothetical imaginary child that you don't care,

2bazookas · 05/04/2023 11:30

I would be absolutely incandescent if you left my child age 11 with two young strangers, one male, that she'd never met before.

The BF has to leave AT ONCE.

CwmYoy · 05/04/2023 11:33

2bazookas · 05/04/2023 11:30

I would be absolutely incandescent if you left my child age 11 with two young strangers, one male, that she'd never met before.

The BF has to leave AT ONCE.

Quite the most stupid post in a forest of stupidity.

Itsbytheby · 05/04/2023 11:34

I find it astounding that people are claiming that they would be totally relaxed about their 10 year old child going away with another parent and then that parent then leaving, without offering to bring the child back, and leaving the kids to two very young people that they didn't know, with the alterative on sticking them on a bus for a journey that takes 4 hrs by car (given the public transport network this is likely to be a much longer journey by train/ bus and probably involved changing).

The parents agreed, presumably, to let their kids go because they were under OP's care.

2bazookas · 05/04/2023 11:35

Couldyounot · 04/04/2023 19:45

They sound extraordinarily hard work and rather silly. Can't be arsed to drive 4 hours? Let's call the police!

What if they have no car, parent is at work? Can't leave their own children?

Sending an 11 yr old on a 4 hour + journey on public transport was an incredibly insensitive and inappropriate suggestion by OP.

TorchwoodWho · 05/04/2023 11:38

IamKlaus · 05/04/2023 11:29

Yes, an unknown man. If my DD is on that trip, its her friends mothers husbands daughters boyfriend....on what planet is that not an unknown man? He's a complete stranger.

he highly emotive "she was going to be left with a random man or dumped on public transport!" posts are far too OTT. As it turns out, the dramatic parent is collecting their child...

Nothing emotive or OTT about it, those were the two options offered by the OP. The parent is not dramatic.

I guarantee any of you actual in the same position would not think of yourselves as dramatic, you'd be completely appalled if it were your actual child. It's only because its a hypothetical imaginary child that you don't care,

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I can't say as OP hadn't said if the parents know him or not. But imagining they don't, if they allowed their child to go away with another parent, I can't imagine not having contingency plans in place. I wouldn't let mine go abroad without us when older (but still children) as it would be difficult to get to them in an emergency. Within the UK, only if I could get to them in such situations.

Honestly, if it happened to us and DP text the parent wittering on about police and kidnap, I'd be mortified. Completely and utterly. That is dramatic and ridiculous. I would possibly not be happy, but I wouldn't be sitting on my backside threatening OP with arrest, I'd go to get my child, and possibly discuss it with OP when she wasn't dealing with a medical emergency within the family.

PinkStarAtNight · 05/04/2023 11:38

@Salemtrust just a few thoughts on your update..

The emergency involves a single parent family members younger children and a medical emergency that no one else can help with.

That doesn't sound to me like a serious enough emergency to leave a group of young children that you are responsible for. You still havent specified exactly what you were needed for here - was it that you were needed at the hospital or to look after other children left behind? I'm not sure how you thought it was ok to abandon your childcare responsibilities for one group of children to transfer them onto another group of children...As PPs have said, your response to relative should have been 'so sorry, I have come away for the week and currently have a group of young girls in my care, I can't leave them.' Its difficult to believe that you genuinely thought any other response was ok.

This is my side of the family and a sensitive situations and I wouldn't expect or ask dsd to go and help instead. She's more than capable and comfortable with looking after her sister and her friends though which she has done before with different friends.

But its not about what your DSD is comfortable with, its about what the parents of the children are comfortable with and you can't make that decision for them. You arranged for your DSD to take over without the consent of the parents, then put it to them as something that was happening regardless of whether they were OK with it or not and if they didn't like it, they can either make a long journey at short notice, which depending on their circumstances could be inconvenient or even impossible in all sorts of ways, or consent to having their child plonked on public transport alone for an equally long journey. Those are not acceptable alternatives to a couple of random 23 year olds looking after them.

Also, I fail to see how DSD is not suitable to go help with young children where their mother will presumably be present, but she IS suitable to look after a group of children without their parents being there. Are you saying she would be too immature to help with the family emergency? Out of her depth? Why is she then mature enough and comfortable with being responsible for the safety of a group of very young girls, only one of whom is her relative and with no other parents or adults present? Your reasoning and judgement is just batshit.

If any of the children were distressed I would arrange for them to travel home either by public transport

Please please please stop mentioning the public transport offer like it was a reasonable option. Plenty of people have now told you that offering to put a young child on public transport by themselves for a journey they have never done before and one that is long and far away from home is NOT a sensible or acceptable solution to the problem you created. Can you really not see that?

Itsbytheby · 05/04/2023 11:45

"If any of the children were distressed I would arrange for them to travel home either by public transport

Please please please stop mentioning the public transport offer like it was a reasonable option. Plenty of people have now told you that offering to put a young child on public transport by themselves for a journey they have never done before and one that is long and far away from home is NOT a sensible or acceptable solution to the problem you created. Can you really not see that? "

Agree with this. At that age that just really isn't an option and would be a massively irresponsible thing to do.

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2023 11:49

If you have a family member whose situation is so sensitive that you are the only option in an emergency why on Earth did you think it was a good idea to take the children to an event.

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 05/04/2023 12:06

PinkStarAtNight · 05/04/2023 11:38

@Salemtrust just a few thoughts on your update..

The emergency involves a single parent family members younger children and a medical emergency that no one else can help with.

That doesn't sound to me like a serious enough emergency to leave a group of young children that you are responsible for. You still havent specified exactly what you were needed for here - was it that you were needed at the hospital or to look after other children left behind? I'm not sure how you thought it was ok to abandon your childcare responsibilities for one group of children to transfer them onto another group of children...As PPs have said, your response to relative should have been 'so sorry, I have come away for the week and currently have a group of young girls in my care, I can't leave them.' Its difficult to believe that you genuinely thought any other response was ok.

This is my side of the family and a sensitive situations and I wouldn't expect or ask dsd to go and help instead. She's more than capable and comfortable with looking after her sister and her friends though which she has done before with different friends.

But its not about what your DSD is comfortable with, its about what the parents of the children are comfortable with and you can't make that decision for them. You arranged for your DSD to take over without the consent of the parents, then put it to them as something that was happening regardless of whether they were OK with it or not and if they didn't like it, they can either make a long journey at short notice, which depending on their circumstances could be inconvenient or even impossible in all sorts of ways, or consent to having their child plonked on public transport alone for an equally long journey. Those are not acceptable alternatives to a couple of random 23 year olds looking after them.

Also, I fail to see how DSD is not suitable to go help with young children where their mother will presumably be present, but she IS suitable to look after a group of children without their parents being there. Are you saying she would be too immature to help with the family emergency? Out of her depth? Why is she then mature enough and comfortable with being responsible for the safety of a group of very young girls, only one of whom is her relative and with no other parents or adults present? Your reasoning and judgement is just batshit.

If any of the children were distressed I would arrange for them to travel home either by public transport

Please please please stop mentioning the public transport offer like it was a reasonable option. Plenty of people have now told you that offering to put a young child on public transport by themselves for a journey they have never done before and one that is long and far away from home is NOT a sensible or acceptable solution to the problem you created. Can you really not see that?

+1

footballmom43 · 05/04/2023 12:10

PinkStarAtNight · 05/04/2023 11:38

@Salemtrust just a few thoughts on your update..

The emergency involves a single parent family members younger children and a medical emergency that no one else can help with.

That doesn't sound to me like a serious enough emergency to leave a group of young children that you are responsible for. You still havent specified exactly what you were needed for here - was it that you were needed at the hospital or to look after other children left behind? I'm not sure how you thought it was ok to abandon your childcare responsibilities for one group of children to transfer them onto another group of children...As PPs have said, your response to relative should have been 'so sorry, I have come away for the week and currently have a group of young girls in my care, I can't leave them.' Its difficult to believe that you genuinely thought any other response was ok.

This is my side of the family and a sensitive situations and I wouldn't expect or ask dsd to go and help instead. She's more than capable and comfortable with looking after her sister and her friends though which she has done before with different friends.

But its not about what your DSD is comfortable with, its about what the parents of the children are comfortable with and you can't make that decision for them. You arranged for your DSD to take over without the consent of the parents, then put it to them as something that was happening regardless of whether they were OK with it or not and if they didn't like it, they can either make a long journey at short notice, which depending on their circumstances could be inconvenient or even impossible in all sorts of ways, or consent to having their child plonked on public transport alone for an equally long journey. Those are not acceptable alternatives to a couple of random 23 year olds looking after them.

Also, I fail to see how DSD is not suitable to go help with young children where their mother will presumably be present, but she IS suitable to look after a group of children without their parents being there. Are you saying she would be too immature to help with the family emergency? Out of her depth? Why is she then mature enough and comfortable with being responsible for the safety of a group of very young girls, only one of whom is her relative and with no other parents or adults present? Your reasoning and judgement is just batshit.

If any of the children were distressed I would arrange for them to travel home either by public transport

Please please please stop mentioning the public transport offer like it was a reasonable option. Plenty of people have now told you that offering to put a young child on public transport by themselves for a journey they have never done before and one that is long and far away from home is NOT a sensible or acceptable solution to the problem you created. Can you really not see that?

+2 - cannot believe 51% of people think yanbu, OP. Neither of the options you gave to everyone was acceptable.

I would be really cross as one of the parents impacted by this.

IamKlaus · 05/04/2023 12:21

Worrying to think that people on here saying YANBU to the OP are actually parents. Clueless.

samqueens · 05/04/2023 12:25

University holidays? Can take annual leave at short notice? Have used upcoming bank holidays to make their AL stretch further?

Of course I understand the difficulties involved in the logistics of collecting or helping, but if you’re not prepared or able to put yourself out as a group and offer each other some mutual support to help OP and the children involved (only one other parent from the collective parent group need go there to take over after all) then it’s a pretty poor show to lose the plot at OP over it all. Not saying it’s anyone’s idea of a good time, just pointing out that where there’s a will there’s usually a way and that little is achieved playing the blame game.

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 12:29

2bazookas · 05/04/2023 11:30

I would be absolutely incandescent if you left my child age 11 with two young strangers, one male, that she'd never met before.

The BF has to leave AT ONCE.

Like OP is taking notice of what you say!!

Even if you do use CAPITALS

TorchwoodWho · 05/04/2023 12:32

IamKlaus · 05/04/2023 12:21

Worrying to think that people on here saying YANBU to the OP are actually parents. Clueless.

999 now. Also social services. You never know what we might do next, I might agree that co-sleeping is fine and then it's gone too far. 😁

tattygrl · 05/04/2023 12:35

Sallydimebar · 05/04/2023 10:37

A article in Liverpool echo yesterday of a 13yr old , sexually assaulted on bus at 5:20pm .

Along with the above Dds friend did a train journey and had some creep next to her , trying to rub her leg . I’m sure there’s many more if you were looking . I would not let a child between 10 and 12 take a long journey on their own . An hour is too long if some creep is on board .
There’s many things I could do safely at 12 but unfortunately we live in a different world now .

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Sorry, slightly off topic, but I don't believe for a second that there are actually more creeps in the world now that there were in the past. It's just that these things are actually viewed as crimes now, and are reported more, and it's more encouraged to talk about it. Children were sadly molested just as much in the past as they are now.

samqueens · 05/04/2023 12:43

IamKlaus · 05/04/2023 12:21

Worrying to think that people on here saying YANBU to the OP are actually parents. Clueless.

🤣 Perhaps some of us just have a better understanding of the word “emergency” and a keener sense of the term collective responsibility.

Personally I would have been extremely unlikely to have have put my dc in this position and I would have made a contingency plan for an emergency ahead of time. But crying over spilt milk isn’t going to help anyone…

Sending a group of children away with only one adult to look after them is clueless. What if one of the children had a fall and needed an and e - who would supervise the others? They are going to an event - what if one of the group got separated but the only adult can’t leave the rest to go and look for them?

Apparently none of the parents involved considered this an issue before it became an issue…

OP clearly has plenty to manage right now without a MN guilt trip, so while all these things might be good learnings for next time, smug eye rolling and calling over half the posters here clueless doesn’t really get to the heart of the matter (lack of basic risk assessment/contingency plans) or help much.

I know which type of parent/friend I’d prefer to have when the shit hits the fan, and it’s not the going-beserk-threatening-the-police camp 🤣

Phoebo · 05/04/2023 12:47

Itsbytheby · 05/04/2023 11:34

I find it astounding that people are claiming that they would be totally relaxed about their 10 year old child going away with another parent and then that parent then leaving, without offering to bring the child back, and leaving the kids to two very young people that they didn't know, with the alterative on sticking them on a bus for a journey that takes 4 hrs by car (given the public transport network this is likely to be a much longer journey by train/ bus and probably involved changing).

The parents agreed, presumably, to let their kids go because they were under OP's care.

I agree. I don't think people are really thinking it through. Initially, I also thought OP was being reasonable until I actually thought about it

LumpyandBumps · 05/04/2023 12:51

IamKlaus · 05/04/2023 12:21

Worrying to think that people on here saying YANBU to the OP are actually parents. Clueless.

I am a parent who voted YANBU.
I am not clueless.
I would not have allowed my children to go away with a single adult if I could not have reached them in an emergency. That is taking responsibility for my own children.
It’s clueless not to make contingency plans.

MrsSquirrel · 05/04/2023 12:56

All the parents in this scenario agreed for their children to go away with OP. Noone thought about what might happen in an emergency, which with hindsight was the original mistake.

OP is doing the best that she can in a difficult situation. Personally, I wouldn't be happy with the change in arrangements either and would probably collect my child.

But the other parents threatening to go to the police and make a false accusation of kidnapping? Batshit. OP would be wise to avoid them in future.