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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

707 replies

Salemtrust · 04/04/2023 19:20

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay.
I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home.
I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on.
Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
HerRoyalStressHead · 05/04/2023 08:08

@ConstableGoody I'm a disabled parent of 3 disabled children and I have no partner or family able to collect them in an emergency. So my kids just don't go.
My point is I'd expect the other parents to think it through and have emergency plans available that include bringing the children home. Just like with school trips. Every permission slip I've ever signed says that the children will be brought home in event of illness or emergency. Of it didn't I wouldn't let them go. Simple as that. Which means my kids then miss out on opportunities that their friends don't have to, they miss out on spending time with friends after school hours too. And my post also mentioned poor parents. Their kids have to miss out too. I'd assume if my child was invited somewhere then emergency plans would include bringing them home. Personally I'd double check before allowing them to go, but some parents will just think it's fine and then be left stuck when OP swans off for an "emergency" that requires her to leave the next day.

MRex · 05/04/2023 08:10

MattDillonsEyebrows · 05/04/2023 07:11

Blimey!! This is why you get very few people actually offering to do nice things!!

Sometimes you can’t predict what happens. If the parents are not happy with the contingency, (I don’t know if I would be or not) then they have to arrange to collect their child. If they don’t drive or have to work, that’s hardly on the OP as she has done what she can in the face of the emergency.

If the parents are not equipped to deal with unpredictable events then they shouldn’t have palmed off their kid for a week somewhere that is 4 hours away!

That's the thing really, you mustn't offer to have other people's children if you're then going to roam off and leave them. Dial 999 for a true emergency (pretty clear this isn't it), and take the time to bring the kids back home if you've otherwised realised you can't look after them any more. Whining that other parents need to accept your version of looking after could end any second of the week without warning and with your child left anywhere in the country isn't "care" that's worth having. This situation has the potential to get extremely dangerous for a bunch of pre-teens.

MattDillonsEyebrows · 05/04/2023 08:13

HerRoyalStressHead · 05/04/2023 07:08

The amount of people on here saying its on the parents to pick up even though the OP changed plans really goes to show how disabled or poor families can't ever allow their kids out of their sight. So no break for them and no new experiences for the child. Because they may not be able to collect them when the other parent hasn't thought shit through.

The other parent hasn’t thought shit through???

Seriously?

@HerRoyalStressHead I’m very privileged in that I’m not disabled. However I do have a
child with additional needs and you have to put in a contingency for these additional needs surely in the same way you have to put in a contingency for your disability?

I have to say ‘ my child suffered from trauma, she tends to go flight in the face of difficulty’ you deal with it like this. If you can’t deal with it, I will come and sort it out or collect her’
if it’s not possible for the organiser to do these things or for me to act as contingency then sadly, she can’t go.

i would assume you’d say to anyone taking your child away ‘now, if there’s an emergency, I can’t come and get her, is this ok? Who else is going so I can make sure they can come and get my child if needs be?’ If there is no one, then the trip can’t happen.

I realise we live in a world of not taking own responsibility but crisis happens and it’s really unfair of you to say the organiser (who I presume was just trying to do a nice thing!) hasn’t ‘thought shit through’.

user1492757084 · 05/04/2023 08:16

Find someone else to deal with the dsd and her problem.

You committed to the trip and parents trusted you.
Unless the problem is life or death, you need to stick with your original plan.
Realistically, you should have had another person whom the parents trusted with you as well - or a back up plan that all the parents knew about and agreed to.
What if some parents are away or booked in for surgery etc. based on you having the children for those days?

HerRoyalStressHead · 05/04/2023 08:18

@MattDillonsEyebrows you're right, you are very privileged. And if you had read my follow up post you'd see my kids just don't go. My kids have to miss out if the other parent doesn't bring them back. Not every parent will check though and will assume that as the OP has taken responsibility for their child for a week that includes taking the child home if there's an emergency. Which is a natural assumption and as such the OP is unreasonable.

ConstableGoody · 05/04/2023 08:23

HerRoyalStressHead · 05/04/2023 08:08

@ConstableGoody I'm a disabled parent of 3 disabled children and I have no partner or family able to collect them in an emergency. So my kids just don't go.
My point is I'd expect the other parents to think it through and have emergency plans available that include bringing the children home. Just like with school trips. Every permission slip I've ever signed says that the children will be brought home in event of illness or emergency. Of it didn't I wouldn't let them go. Simple as that. Which means my kids then miss out on opportunities that their friends don't have to, they miss out on spending time with friends after school hours too. And my post also mentioned poor parents. Their kids have to miss out too. I'd assume if my child was invited somewhere then emergency plans would include bringing them home. Personally I'd double check before allowing them to go, but some parents will just think it's fine and then be left stuck when OP swans off for an "emergency" that requires her to leave the next day.

@HerRoyalStressHead yes, parents should check what the emergency plans are before letting their child go, and also remember that going away with your mate’s parents isn’t a school trip with extra adults to take over.

Saying that the op should have checked what the plan would need to be in an emergency.

We have had happen with kids when taking them away (of the top of my head) a broken ankle, a severe asthma attack, a vomiting bug, and my mum needing to be hospitalised suddenly and a mental health crisis- all parties involved need to have an emergency plan!

Thisgirlcan21 · 05/04/2023 08:26

I would have taken them home first. Or arranged for the parents to meet half way. 10-12 is young. I wouldn’t be happy about the daughter and boyfriend situation either if I didn’t know them.

dogsdogsdogs1 · 05/04/2023 08:31

For those of you doubters, you may want to look up contract law… a contract was formed by the op offering to take the other parents’ dd away and look after her. The contract has been broken by the op when she has changed the terms of the contract after they had been agreed…

BeachBlondey · 05/04/2023 08:31

16 pages and the Op hasn't been back.

Whattt44 · 05/04/2023 08:33

Just drive the kids home and then drive to the emergency. Where's the op ?

Dotjones · 05/04/2023 08:36

Yes YABU because the DSD and BF are unknown quantities, as far as the other parents know there could be a history of sexual offences.

As for sending a 10-12yo on public transport if you mean send them alone that's not acceptable - a child of that age can't be trusted to travel alone and is at extreme risk of a sexual predator.

If you meant you offered to accompany them home on the train then that's fine, the other parent is batshit if they have a problem with that, but you can't just pack them off on their own.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 05/04/2023 08:36

ThomasinaLivesHere · 04/04/2023 22:18

I disagree about assuming it’s about life or death. People often say “family emergency” to make something sound more serious than it is. It’s one of those things people can say where they know people can’t question it as it’s private. And what proper emergency gives you warning of a day to prepare for it?

Show quote history

Member of family is ill in hospital and you’ve been told to come asap. Someone’s had a fall and needs care setting up after hospital discharge. Child’s relationship has broken down and they need their mum because they’re distraught and have nowhere to stay, family member is having a mental health crisis and needs you there. Any number of things. It’s not hard to use the imagination.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 05/04/2023 08:37

dogsdogsdogs1 · 05/04/2023 08:31

For those of you doubters, you may want to look up contract law… a contract was formed by the op offering to take the other parents’ dd away and look after her. The contract has been broken by the op when she has changed the terms of the contract after they had been agreed…

Seriously? You’d be so hard up for empathy that this would be your go to?

Original poster
Salemtrust · 05/04/2023 08:38

Sorry for disappearing. I've left now and dsd arrived in the night, they are sending someone else to collect their daughter today who is obviously extremely upset at having to leave her friends and not get to go to the event as are the other girls about her leaving.
So I guess it's been resolved now, there will probably be a fall out to deal with when I get home though.
To answer some of the main questions. The emergency involves a single parent family members younger children and a medical emergency that no one else can help with. This is my side of the family and a sensitive situations and I wouldn't expect or ask dsd to go and help instead. She's more than capable and comfortable with looking after her sister and her friends though which she has done before with different friends.
If any of the children were distressed I would arrange for them to travel home either by public transport or getting someone to come and collect them but they all were more than happy to stay with dsd, the two other parents are also more than happy for their kids to stay.
I obviously wasn't going to put their child on public transport without their consent, I just offered to cover the cost of that's the option they wanted.

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 05/04/2023 08:42

I haven’t read through all 16 pages. But:

The instant there was a family emergency the trip should have been cut short for all of the children. I do think that if e.g. it was the need to go to a hospital to be with someone with a serious injury for instance that a middle ground could be for the DSD to bring the children home, that wouldn’t be unreasonable,

There does need to be contingency on both sides, any parent should be able to fetch their child from wherever it is they’ve gone to, but equally if there is an emergency meaning the host can no longer accommodate the children, those children need to be returned to their parents.

Threats of the police seem OTT, but essentially, you have their children and are refusing to return them. And that is the basis they will use to call the police.

Either the OP, or the DSD needs to return all of the children. Public transport is not a reasonable compromise.

ChocChipHandbag · 05/04/2023 08:42

I don’t think it’s possible to comment without knowing what the emergency is. If the OP has not told the other parents specifics then they Donny have enough context to evaluate the reasonableness of her actions.

If she has told them specifics then it is either obviously not something that merits dropping her commitment to look after the girls, or it is and they are being unreasonable.

Emergencies that would make me, as the parent, sympathetic and willing to accept a non-ideal situation:

OP’s immediate family member- child, sibling, spouse/partner, parent - critically ill in hospital and at risk of dying.

Sudden death of the above.
House has burnt down or flooded.

OP’s other minor child arrested.

I can’t really think if anything else that couldn’t wait a couple of days.

diddl · 05/04/2023 08:43

they all were more than happy to stay with dsd,

Of course they were as they don't want to miss out!

It's not their call though.

Do the other parents know your step daughter?

diddl · 05/04/2023 08:45

the trip should have been cut short for all of the children.

I think that tbh.

Or maybe another parent take over?

Hardtopickaname · 05/04/2023 08:47

diddl · 05/04/2023 08:43

they all were more than happy to stay with dsd,

Of course they were as they don't want to miss out!

It's not their call though.

Do the other parents know your step daughter?

The next line she states the parents were happy for them to stay.

starfishmummy · 05/04/2023 08:48

Clearly not that much of an emergency if the OP isnt leaving until the next day . Definitely gone about it in the wrong way. I'd have contacted the various parents with some alternatives.

I would have said something like 'my dsd and her bf are coming to take over looking after my dd for the rest of the holiday. Friend a's mum is happy for her to stay too, but it's up to you whether you are OK with your dc staying. If not then we need to discuss getting her home'.

olympicsrock · 05/04/2023 08:59

I’m sorry that your family member has an emergency but I do think you have behaved badly here.
You made a committment to take your own child and her friends away and presumably they all bought tickets. I have an 11 year old and would not be happy for them to be looked after by someone I had never met or put on public transport without a supervising adult.
It is not reasonable to expect the parents to come and collect their child at significant expense with no notice because you chose to help someone else’s emergency. . Presumably you were looking after your relatives other children because you know them better.
Honestly it’s mind boggling that you can’t see the other family’s point of view.

You had several reasonable choices - either to take the child home yourself/ or the parents might offer a half way meet or ask DSD to help with the family emergency .

MattDillonsEyebrows · 05/04/2023 09:01

starfishmummy · 05/04/2023 08:48

Clearly not that much of an emergency if the OP isnt leaving until the next day . Definitely gone about it in the wrong way. I'd have contacted the various parents with some alternatives.

I would have said something like 'my dsd and her bf are coming to take over looking after my dd for the rest of the holiday. Friend a's mum is happy for her to stay too, but it's up to you whether you are OK with your dc staying. If not then we need to discuss getting her home'.

That’s exactly what the OP did do.

it’s just that one parent wasn’t happy with the alternatives.

The debate seems to be about whether the OP should have spoilt all the girls trip, by bringing them all home, or expected the parents of this child to have their own contingency put in place in the event of an emergency.

Coffeetree · 05/04/2023 09:03

I'm sorry to hear about your emergency OP.

It's not kidnapping of course but I'm not clear on why the daughter of the concerned parents couldn't come home with you!

If I were one of the parents, I might be okay with DSD assuming duty of care, but why the hell does her boyfriend need to come along? Does he not feel a bit weird joining in to stay with a bunch of random pre-teen girls? It shows a lack of judgement on his part and everyone else's.

ChocChipHandbag · 05/04/2023 09:03

My post crossed with yours. Did you actually tell the annoyed parents what the emergency was, or were you just vague? If you did not give details, that will not have helped things.

Separately, though, aren’t medical professionals the ones who should be dealing with medical emergencies?

Itsbytheby · 05/04/2023 09:04

I think you were being unreasonable to abandon the trip without taking the kids home if the parents weren't happy with your arrangements. I would not have been happy with two young adults I had no idea who were supervising my child on a trip 4 hours away, and the proper thing to do would be to tell the parents of the circumstances and offer to take any kids back that weren't allowed to stay on that basis. No way could my 10 year old manage a 4 hr car trip on public transport, and I would seriously consider your judgement if you considered that appropriate.

they were of course ridiculous to threaten the police.

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