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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

707 replies

Salemtrust · 04/04/2023 19:20

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay.
I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home.
I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on.
Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 05/04/2023 05:49

While I suspect this is a windup.

Why can the 23yo and boyfriend not deal with the emergency?

Fleabea · 05/04/2023 05:54

Sugarfree23 · 05/04/2023 05:49

While I suspect this is a windup.

Why can the 23yo and boyfriend not deal with the emergency?

I am always suspicious of threads where the OP never comes back or responds to any of the questions!

Whatifthegrassisblue · 05/04/2023 06:15

NoodleNuts · 04/04/2023 19:44

I think that YABU. You took your daughters friends away, their parents were happy for you to do that. You are now leaving them in the care of a 23yr old and her boyfriend, who presumably the other parents don't know.

You are responsible for these kids, you either have to stay with them or bring them home. I would be fuming if I was the parent of one of those girls.

I think it depends on the emergency, but I actually have to agree to this. I don't think I would be happy for a 23yo and her boyfriend to now be looking after my kid who I don't know, overnight 4 hours away. It isn't really on. I would go collect mh child, but I would be annoyed (again depending on the emergency, which sounds suspicious in itself given OP already waited a day for the daughter to come?). Initially I thought the parents were BU, but actually you now basically leaving them with random strangers

Blondewithredlips · 05/04/2023 06:21

YABU

Marchitectmummy · 05/04/2023 06:21

YABU I would not be happy either. You took them then changed plans for whatever reason and won't bring them back expecting a parent to drive 8hrs to collect them. Dreadful selfish behaviour from you.

MRex · 05/04/2023 06:48

romdowa · 04/04/2023 19:43

Nah sorry but you took them away, so its your responsibility to bring them back or to take care of them. You've assumed a duty of care to these children and you can't just pawn them off on someone else without their parents permission.

This I'm afraid. They don't know this step daughter, nor her boyfriend, so have no idea if their child will be safe any more. The minimum standard is that you drop her back home. Saying you'll take the kid away but they need to travel 4 hours to collect - well, I'd do it for my child (and stay so they could do the thing on Thursday), but I'd think you were hugely irresponsible and you'd never have my child in your care again.

anyolddinosaur · 05/04/2023 06:54

Depends on what the family emergency is and why your dsd cannot handle that for 24-30 hours while the children have their event and go home normally.

Lot of people missing the point that it's not a week - you leave tomorrow and the kids return Friday. I assume you leave tomorrow as that's when dsd and boyfriend arrive.

I would not be happy with you but I'd pick my kid up if I didnt want them staying. If I couldnt afford it I'd let them stay, telling my kid to phone me immediately if they were unhappy.

lljkk · 05/04/2023 07:06

YANBU

HerRoyalStressHead · 05/04/2023 07:08

The amount of people on here saying its on the parents to pick up even though the OP changed plans really goes to show how disabled or poor families can't ever allow their kids out of their sight. So no break for them and no new experiences for the child. Because they may not be able to collect them when the other parent hasn't thought shit through.

MattDillonsEyebrows · 05/04/2023 07:11

Blimey!! This is why you get very few people actually offering to do nice things!!

Sometimes you can’t predict what happens. If the parents are not happy with the contingency, (I don’t know if I would be or not) then they have to arrange to collect their child. If they don’t drive or have to work, that’s hardly on the OP as she has done what she can in the face of the emergency.

If the parents are not equipped to deal with unpredictable events then they shouldn’t have palmed off their kid for a week somewhere that is 4 hours away!

Barbie222 · 05/04/2023 07:17

I think in this situation, I'd have cancelled the rest of the trip and brought all the children back. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to ask another person to take over my role and look after the children and I'd have collected my child in that situation rather than allow a random to take over. There's just too much that could go wrong. I think you should have brought everyone back and chalked it up as one of those things.

ConstableGoody · 05/04/2023 07:21

I don’t understand all the people saying what if the parents don’t drive etc… who lets their child go miles away with another family without any means to get them back in an emergency?! It’s madness!

ConstableGoody · 05/04/2023 07:26

Also, 12 years old is high school age- can high school kids really not manage to be put on a train and get off at x stop?! I definitely did! I flew alone at that age.

Hayliebells · 05/04/2023 07:36

There's no way I'd be happy to let my 10 year old be looked after on a trip away by random 23 year olds that I don't know. I'd be very cross with you that you've left them, when I though it was a parent that I know looking after my child. I'd also be really pissed off if as a result I had to drive 4 hours to collect them. It would be different if they were a bit older, but 10 is still quite young to be self sufficient if the 23 year old are a bit rubbish at being responsible. You might think they're perfectly responsible, but if I don't know them, it's difficult for me to judge that myself. I wouldn't call the police, but YABVU.

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 07:38

HerRoyalStressHead · 05/04/2023 07:08

The amount of people on here saying its on the parents to pick up even though the OP changed plans really goes to show how disabled or poor families can't ever allow their kids out of their sight. So no break for them and no new experiences for the child. Because they may not be able to collect them when the other parent hasn't thought shit through.

She's offered to pay for public transport, 12 year olds capable of sitting on a train.

How was she supposed to predict an emergency?

If your a parent, you are totally responsible for your child.

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 07:38

Hayliebells · 05/04/2023 07:36

There's no way I'd be happy to let my 10 year old be looked after on a trip away by random 23 year olds that I don't know. I'd be very cross with you that you've left them, when I though it was a parent that I know looking after my child. I'd also be really pissed off if as a result I had to drive 4 hours to collect them. It would be different if they were a bit older, but 10 is still quite young to be self sufficient if the 23 year old are a bit rubbish at being responsible. You might think they're perfectly responsible, but if I don't know them, it's difficult for me to judge that myself. I wouldn't call the police, but YABVU.

No empathy for the emergency situation that's occurred? 🤷‍♀️

Hayliebells · 05/04/2023 07:39

Barbie222 · 05/04/2023 07:17

I think in this situation, I'd have cancelled the rest of the trip and brought all the children back. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to ask another person to take over my role and look after the children and I'd have collected my child in that situation rather than allow a random to take over. There's just too much that could go wrong. I think you should have brought everyone back and chalked it up as one of those things.

I agree. Who looks after the children other than your own is not your call to make. You might be fine with the 23 year olds looking after them, but other parents are perfectly within their rights not to be. You can't unilaterally make that call when you're hours away from home. You should have come home with all of them.

Hayliebells · 05/04/2023 07:40

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 07:38

No empathy for the emergency situation that's occurred? 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

If it's really that big of an emergency, they just all come home. That's life, shit happens.

HoppingPavlova · 05/04/2023 07:47

@HerRoyalStressHead The amount of people on here saying its on the parents to pick up even though the OP changed plans really goes to show how disabled or poor families can't ever allow their kids out of their sight. So no break for them and no new experiences for the child. Because they may not be able to collect them when the other parent hasn't thought shit through

How is that any different to school excursions/camps though? Every permission slip I ever signed stated that in the event of illness, mishap or bad behaviour i would be expected to immediately collect my child (obviously taking travel time into account as some camps are several hours drive away). I once had to go collect a child who became ill, not ill enough to warrant being taken to a hospital but such that attendance on camp was unsustainable. That was a 10 hour round trip in the car. One of my kids camps had several kids picked up for behaviour outside school rules.

In the OP’s case I would have liked to be given the choice. If I knew the family well (which would likely be the case if I sent my child away with one of them), and knew the older DD and trusted them I would have been appreciative of the option of leaving them continue as opposed to them all being dragged back. Alternatively, I would also like the option to say my preference is to collect them.

DiddlySquat52 · 05/04/2023 07:49

I wouldn't be happy with my child of that age being in the care of a young adult miles away from home.

The parents are being dramatic though about the kidnap thing.

If it was my kid, I'd either go and get them or go and stay with them to take care of my own kid.

They should be more understanding if there's a family emergency. You're not doing this on purpose!

DiddlySquat52 · 05/04/2023 07:50

I mean a young adult if I didn't know them or have any idea of how responsible they were.

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 07:51

@Hayliebells OP didn't make the call, she offered parents to

  1. Leave with the 23 year old
  1. Collect their child
  1. To arrange and pay for public transport.

It's all in the OP

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 07:52

Hayliebells · 05/04/2023 07:36

There's no way I'd be happy to let my 10 year old be looked after on a trip away by random 23 year olds that I don't know. I'd be very cross with you that you've left them, when I though it was a parent that I know looking after my child. I'd also be really pissed off if as a result I had to drive 4 hours to collect them. It would be different if they were a bit older, but 10 is still quite young to be self sufficient if the 23 year old are a bit rubbish at being responsible. You might think they're perfectly responsible, but if I don't know them, it's difficult for me to judge that myself. I wouldn't call the police, but YABVU.

She has not left them! She's said the situation!

Dear god, read the bloody opening post!

🤦‍♀️

ConstableGoody · 05/04/2023 07:54

HerRoyalStressHead · 05/04/2023 07:08

The amount of people on here saying its on the parents to pick up even though the OP changed plans really goes to show how disabled or poor families can't ever allow their kids out of their sight. So no break for them and no new experiences for the child. Because they may not be able to collect them when the other parent hasn't thought shit through.

@HerRoyalStressHead im a disabled parent of a disabled child (and my mum is disabled so I have been the child in this situation), my spouse also has disabled parents - sad as it is that disability can restrict people’s experiences, it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to give your child experiences.

If you can’t get to them in an emergency then they can’t go to that place. I doubt the family that are angry are disabled and can’t pick the kid up- families with disabilities are generally used to having more emergencies than other families and have plans for this type of thing.

BelindaMelinda · 05/04/2023 08:08

Also, 12 years old is high school age- can high school kids really not manage to be put on a train and get off at x stop?

I think many 12 year olds are capable. Doesn't mean they should though, or that they're safe doing it.

At the risk of sounding sexist, I think there's a potential difference between girls and boys too. At 12, I'd have felt comfortable with ds1 travelling on a train alone for a few hours. Aside from being sensible and mature, he was nearly 6 foot and I think the risk of him being a target for some paedo or weirdo would have been relatively low due to that.

Some 12 year old girls are tiny and still look like younger children - and I'd be far less likely to be comfortable in that case. Even a 12 year old girl who looked far older than her years would still be at greater risk from perverts and gropers in stations. And many, whilst capable of the travel aspect would be totally unprepared to deal with that aspect of safety.