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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

707 replies

Salemtrust · 04/04/2023 19:20

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay.
I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home.
I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on.
Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
cherish123 · 05/04/2023 00:27

They are bu to suggest calling the police. However, I would come and get my child. I would not be happy to leave my DC with random 23yr old. 23 is too young for that responsibility.

Rosula · 05/04/2023 00:28

Why are people so fixated on the stepdaughter and boyfriend being "random"? When the parents agreed to this trip, I very much doubt that they did so on the assumption that there would be only one adult present. The risks are obvious - what if OP became ill, for instance, or had to take one of the girls to hospital? It sounds to me as if they knew perfectly well that there would be two other adults present and helping out and indeed may well not have allowed their children to go if that had not been the case.

QueenCamilla · 05/04/2023 00:29

YourMagicSwirlingShip · 04/04/2023 19:59

This is bonkers, as are some of the replies on here. I'm trying to imagine what I would do if I were the mum of one of your dd's friends. I'd probably offer to come and look after them myself. I'd definitely say omg nightmare, are you OK and is there anything I can do? And not start wanging on about the police/ kidnapping/ breaking agreements. I mean, really.

Check your privilege. Being a lady of leisure doesn't make you a nicer person than those who can't drop responsibilities at a drop of a hat.

I'd be fuming and stuck and that friendship would be no more - bar OP herself being physically unable to bring my child back.
I work till 9am in the morning and I don't drive.

Stravaig · 05/04/2023 00:31

Rosula · 05/04/2023 00:28

Why are people so fixated on the stepdaughter and boyfriend being "random"? When the parents agreed to this trip, I very much doubt that they did so on the assumption that there would be only one adult present. The risks are obvious - what if OP became ill, for instance, or had to take one of the girls to hospital? It sounds to me as if they knew perfectly well that there would be two other adults present and helping out and indeed may well not have allowed their children to go if that had not been the case.

Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over.

SD and boyfriend were NOT already present and helping. They offered to COME and TAKE OVER.

LumpyandBumps · 05/04/2023 00:54

I am surprised at all of the parents who would ‘never let the OP look after their children again’ like it’s some sort of privilege. I doubt the OP will ever take on such a task in future.

Things sometimes happen which are beyond our control. OP was kind enough to take these children away for a holiday, and possibly saved the parents a fortune in holiday childcare. I doubt that she is enjoying having to leave due to an emergency.

I agree that the child couldn’t travel by train alone but if the parents can’t get time off work, don’t drive, can’t get on a train for whatever reason, and have no way of collecting, they shouldn’t have let their child go. What would have happened if their family had an emergency or their child was ill and needed to be collected, or OP became incapacitated?

I seem to recall the consent forms for school residential trips having a clause about the parent needing to collect if it became necessary.

retrosteamband · 05/04/2023 00:57

Honestly I do think you’re being unreasonable. They’ve trusted you as the children’s caregiver/guardian in their absence. They presumably know you and trust you. They can’t say the same for your daughter and her boyfriend who is an unknown male to them. It’s not an equivalent replacement, they’re probably worried about the level of care their kids will be subject to. I do agree that the parents should collect the kids if they’re worried though.

Coyoacan · 05/04/2023 01:01

This Easter break, this are several more inspired types of threads

LondonILove · 05/04/2023 01:15

Have any of the other parents offered to step in and help at all?
To come and take over as a "supervisor" from you in this unfortunate and emerging situation.

Do the other kids know your DSD?
If so, (they) I would be more than happy for them to care for the group for the prolonging of the stay. Of course with supervising and support form you.

To call the police reporting kidnaping is just ridiculous. Sorry. Come pick up your child, due to unforeseen issues, or even better - go there to help out.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 01:26

EsmeSusanOgg · 04/04/2023 19:46

But OP has offered the cover the costs of safe public transport back. Or for the parents to collect their child. I understand that this is far from ideal, but OP has let everyone know. Has a contingency plan and is happy to cover costs to reunite children.

I'm assuming this is a mega emergency.

Show quote history

😂Safe public transport back?

For a 10 year old child, after 8pm, for a journey that takes 4 hours by car?

OP posted & ran, & I'm giving this a giant chinny reckon.
Family emergency my arse. Frothbait more like.

CremeEggQueen · 05/04/2023 01:44

I appreciate family emergency, but if mine went with you overnight for a week at that age it's be because I knew and trusted you implicitly.
Would not be happy to know that were with someone I'd never met, would have instant stress and worry!
Couldn't easily come and pick up either if 4 hrs away.

LotteLomax · 05/04/2023 01:46

Wow! I’d be livid if you did this to my daughter. And it’s highly inappropriate and irresponsible to have a daughter and her 23yo boyfriend (stranger) look after them. And to even suggest public transport on her own! You’re freaking loony. I’d be calling the police too and lawyering up.

The girl’s parents obviously love their child and take their duties seriously. You on the other hand are highly irresponsible and putting children’s lives at risk!

lemmein · 05/04/2023 02:07

I’d be calling the police too and lawyering up.

😂 Don't be ridiculous!

FiveShelties · 05/04/2023 02:27

Wind them up and watch them go.

Clever thread 👏 OP

Doingtheboxerbeat · 05/04/2023 02:50

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 01:26

😂Safe public transport back?

For a 10 year old child, after 8pm, for a journey that takes 4 hours by car?

OP posted & ran, & I'm giving this a giant chinny reckon.
Family emergency my arse. Frothbait more like.

Show quote history

This 👆. What kind of emergency has you leaving children but allowing you time to post on forums? This sounds like pure bullshine.

HoppingPavlova · 05/04/2023 03:04

I don’t think you have done anything wrong. Emergencies happen and are unforeseen. No one should send their child off with someone if they can’t go get them whether that be in the event of the child taking ill/an accident or an emergency with the supervising adult is beyond me. It’s really irresponsible parenting to allow your child to go off of you can’t do this, and if you can’t do it, they stay home, simple.

Autienotnautie · 05/04/2023 04:10

I personally would bring them back. You changed the plan so onus is on you

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 05:13

Desperatelywantinganother · 04/04/2023 19:46

You are being extremely unreasonable. I would be furious and you would never be left in charge of my child ever again.
But calling the police is not the right response. They need to come and pick up their daughter.

Why would you be furious?

It's an emergency, these things happen?

OP had provided options?

You need to step up as a parent and go and collect your child, if you don't like the alternative.

You sound like an extremely lazy parent, not able to deal with a unavoidable change if circumstances.

FWIW I would never want to bother looking after your child again. .

Inyournewdress · 05/04/2023 05:14

I think when you let your child go on a trip like this you factor in that you may have to fetch them in an emergency..maybe they are ill, or the person in loco parentis is ill. If you know you can’t make any arrangements for that then don’t let them go in the first place. If it isn’t a genuine emergency I would be a bit pissed off though.

The kidnap thing is hilarious. I would like to hear the police response! Ok, your child has been taken….what is the kidnapper asking for, have they requested ransom? No, they want us to go and pick her up…whereas we want this evil kidnapper to keep looking after her.

Baabaa75 · 05/04/2023 05:21

dogsdogsdogs1 · 04/04/2023 19:47

You're in the wrong here. Maybe the other parents don't drive or can't afford or collect their daughter. The agreement was that YOU would be there to look after their DD. Not another random adult that they don't know. You either need to take the girl home or stay there yourself. You have not abided by the terms of your agreement. In a court of law, you would be in the wrong here.

No she wouldn't, no law has been broken, stand down!!

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 05:23

I think when you let your child go on a trip like this you factor in that you may have to fetch them in an emergency..maybe they are ill, or the person in loco parentis is ill. If you know you can’t make any arrangements for that then don’t let them go in the first place. If it isn’t a genuine emergency I would be a bit pissed off though.

I think when you take somebody else's child on a trip like this, you factor in that you may have to return them in an emergency, & if you are unable to do that, you don't agree to take them in the first place.

However, I also think this thread is a pile of steaming hogwash, as pretty much evidenced by OP posting just the once, with a ludicrous scenario involving packing a 10 year old onto public transport after 8pm & expecting her to navigate what would have been a 4 hour car journey all by herself ...

Desperatelywantinganother · 05/04/2023 05:29

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 05:13

Why would you be furious?

It's an emergency, these things happen?

OP had provided options?

You need to step up as a parent and go and collect your child, if you don't like the alternative.

You sound like an extremely lazy parent, not able to deal with a unavoidable change if circumstances.

FWIW I would never want to bother looking after your child again. .

Show quote history

Your reading comprehension skills are crap. Try again. I said I would come and pick my daughter up in this situation and that calling the police is not the right answer - they won’t want to know, and it’s clearly not kidnapping. So why are you calling me lazy?
But I would be furious because OP should have called the parents first before suggesting to her SD and boyfriend that they take over, to see if the parents were comfortable with the idea. The girls should not have been asked their opinion until the parents had been spoken to. You can’t just swap caring responsibilities with an unknown person when you are in loco parentis. OP is being deeply unreasonable to assume the options she has come up with would be acceptable to the other parents. Her piss poor handling of this situation would destroy my trust in her as someone who I could leave in charge of my child.

Phoebo · 05/04/2023 05:33

DoIWantThis · 04/04/2023 19:36

If they don't want her to stay they need to collect her

This. You have offered multiple solutions as well as offering to pay so it's on them to sort out

MysteryBelle · 05/04/2023 05:33

You said you would be taking care of them then didn’t. When you’re in charge of other people’s children, you don’t turn them over to someone else the parents didn’t agree to. I am on the other parents’ side. They don’t know your stepdaughter and her boyfriend. They did not give permission for people they don’t know to have charge of their child. You were totally out of order and cannot be trusted.

begoneday · 05/04/2023 05:37

YABU. You cannot allow two new people to take care of children if parents are not happy about it . I know I wouldn’t be happy about it. Very irresponsible of you, emergency or no emergency.

begoneday · 05/04/2023 05:39

To send a young girl on a 4 hour public transport journey home alone is also a staggeringly stupid idea.