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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

707 replies

Salemtrust · 04/04/2023 19:20

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay.
I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home.
I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on.
Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sallydimebar · 04/04/2023 22:05

user146539089 · 04/04/2023 21:37

Good grief. A lot of you are in danger of turning your dc into nervous wrecks. If I was the parent I’d probably pack a bag and offer to take over. Problem sorted. Everyone happy.

That wouldn’t work for me as I wouldn’t be able to drop out of work at such short notice . My child would be disappointed at missing the event, but I would just come and collect . I don't know the emergency but it would have to be a petty big one to just take off and leave the kids , who I was responsible for in care of a sibling . Wouldn’t even entertain talk of public transport .

ilovewispas · 04/04/2023 22:07

If I was the other parents I'd be very uncomfortable with this and come and collect my child or offer to stay with them all BUT I have the means (car and £ for diesel) to do this.

I would not be happy with your stepdaughter's boyfriend looking after my 10 year old.

CountryCob · 04/04/2023 22:09

Dymaxion · 04/04/2023 21:42

Surely that’s because statistically parents avoid leaving their children with men they don’t know?

Except at school, sports clubs, other after school interest clubs, holiday clubs both here and abroad, foreign exchange trips where children stay with a host family, sleepovers or playdates with older siblings/grandparents/random friends of family being present, the list is fairly long if you think about it. Most parents do leave their children with 'strangers' quite frequently.

In those contexts there will be back checks on the adults and no sleeping arrangements without other accountability

ThomasinaLivesHere · 04/04/2023 22:10

Dymaxion · 04/04/2023 21:52

Most of those count as someone known to the child though. Stranger = random off the street.

Most children are abused by someone known to them.

They’re abused by men who have the opportunity to do so. Trusting and giving opportunity to some 23 year old stranger is not any safer.

ChrisPPancake · 04/04/2023 22:11

I mean they're not wrong are they? You can't dispute you have changed the terms.
You should have okayed the alternative with the parents before telling the children.

Mirabai · 04/04/2023 22:12

Dymaxion · 04/04/2023 21:52

Most of those count as someone known to the child though. Stranger = random off the street.

Most children are abused by someone known to them.

Exactly. And many of the people you’re trying to label strangers are actually known to the child.

FranziskaSchmidt · 04/04/2023 22:14

OP has made sensible back up plans involving 2 adults to supervise the group, so they can still participate in whatever event it is, rather than them all being disappointed. She has provided a perfectly sensible option for a child to get home as her parents aren't keen.

So much angst on this thread. Either the boyfriend is 'pedo' as stated early on. Lets be clear - he and OP's daughter are arriving Weds, the group are returning on Fri, not much of a grooming opportunity, even if he was so inclined. On the other hand, all public transport is unsafe and riddled with 'pervs'.

I was taking solo 7 hour train journeys aged 11. I just remember it being pretty dull.

HappyHolidays22 · 04/04/2023 22:14

I’d be furious with you. You took responsibility and now you are changing the terms when their kid is already 4 hours away.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 04/04/2023 22:18

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 04/04/2023 21:39

One of these is an emergency, the other isn’t and no one would describe it as such. So we can assume it’s more similar to the former.

If I didn’t drive, so wouldn’t be making accusations and threats, I’d be apologising and falling over myself to work out a way around it. OP has already done them all a massive favour, frankly I’m gobsmacked at the number of people who think it’s acceptable to pile more pressure on someone dealing with a family emergency.

Show quote history

I disagree about assuming it’s about life or death. People often say “family emergency” to make something sound more serious than it is. It’s one of those things people can say where they know people can’t question it as it’s private. And what proper emergency gives you warning of a day to prepare for it?

whynotwhatknot · 04/04/2023 22:23

sorry i think yabu

you cant ecpect the parents to be happy theyre staying with a young man for a few nights that they dont even even know nor the kids

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 04/04/2023 22:25

I gather that it must be something really important/ serious if the OP is planning to leave a number of other people's children with her dsd. Obviously she's not doing it for the sake of it.
I might be a bit concerned if I didn't know the dsd, but I wouldn't threaten the op with police or accuse her of kidnapping.

PinkStarAtNight · 04/04/2023 22:30

Of course calling the police and accusing you of kidnap is OTT.

But I think you are being massively unreasonable here. The agreement was that YOU would take the children away and be responsible for them. Now you are buggering off and basically saying to the their parents 'either be happy with your children being left with a couple of random 23 year olds, one of whom is male, or come get them yourself.' That is a dick move.

If it were my children I would just come get them, but I would be massively pissed off and I wouldn't be trusting you with my children again. But what if their parents can't drive? That means they can't easily or quickly get there. And what if they are short of money so can't afford petrol or public transport?

Also, I can't believe you suggested plonking 10-12 year olds on a train by themselves was a reasonable solution. I would not be letting a child of this age travel alone on public transport for such a long journey so far from home, are you not aware of the world we live in and the dangers there are? A lot of parents wouldn't be happy with this so you can't claim this is a suitable solution.

Basically, you took them away, YOU need to take responsibility for bringing them safely back.

Hellybelly84 · 04/04/2023 22:31

I would drive and pick my child up if you fully explained it was a family emergency and absolutely had to leave. However im not surprised parents are not happy with a 23 year old looking after them as they trusted their kids to be with a parent they knew. Also, no 10 year old should be on public transport unsupervised for 2 hours 😳

Scirocco · 04/04/2023 22:33

YABU.

The parents of the other children agreed to their children being supervised by and kept safe by you. Presumably they know you and had a degree of trust in your abilities to do this. They don't know your DSD and her boyfriend. They did not agree to their children being supervised by two people who are effectively strangers to them and whose experience and skills in looking after children is unknown to them.

If there is sufficient time in the emergency for you to wait until tomorrow to leave, then that suggests there's sufficient time for you to take the other child/children (if necessary) home. You can't reasonably refuse to return someone's child to them when they have withdrawn consent for the child to stay with you. Public transport could be an option for some people, but the parents have said it's not appropriate for their child - you should probably respect their decision and take their child home to them before this escalates further.

BelindaMelinda · 04/04/2023 22:34

You are absolutely out of order.

I would be furious at the thought of my pre-teen daughter being left in the care of a random bloke in his 20's. Nearly as furious at the thought of my 10-12 year old being chucked on a bus or train alone for a journey of several hours.

Family emergency my arse. If it can wait until tomorrow, it's not an emergency.

Malificent1 · 04/04/2023 22:36

BelindaMelinda · 04/04/2023 22:34

You are absolutely out of order.

I would be furious at the thought of my pre-teen daughter being left in the care of a random bloke in his 20's. Nearly as furious at the thought of my 10-12 year old being chucked on a bus or train alone for a journey of several hours.

Family emergency my arse. If it can wait until tomorrow, it's not an emergency.

This.

Wellillsayitifnooneelsewill · 04/04/2023 22:38

I think you are well out of order.

How would you feel if this was a reverse? Your child taken away by someone and then that responsible adult turns around and says “I have to leave, I’m leaving them in the care of a 23 yr old relative of mine and her boyfriend” who you don’t know from Adam!

id be absolutely furious with you and maybe it’s not a police matter but it’s definitely a safeguarding concern. Especially seeing as you think it’s acceptable to put an unaccompanied 10 year old on a four hour public transport service she had probably NEVER taken before alone!

Be more responsible! Take the child home or try to compromise with the parents to meet halfway. Where is the family emergency so that you can’t even offer to drive her some way home??

Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 22:38

romdowa · 04/04/2023 19:43

Nah sorry but you took them away, so its your responsibility to bring them back or to take care of them. You've assumed a duty of care to these children and you can't just pawn them off on someone else without their parents permission.

exactly this, you are legally responsible for ensuring the child is cared for the way you said they would be cared for when you took them away.

YOu need to take her home yourself. You cant just pass her on to someone else, the parents have not given permission for that.

You cannot put her on public transport, or assume the parents are available to come and collect her

You are responsible for her

sussexman · 04/04/2023 22:38

It does sound a nightmare, but here's the thing. You took your DD and her friendship group away with a known parent. You now can't honour that commitment. As I see it you have two options

  1. See if another parent can step in
  2. Take the kids home having explained that the emergency has arisen, there's nothing that can be done, sadly, and you'll talk to the other parents later about how you can make it up to them.

Leaving kids that young with a different set of adults than the parents were expecting isn't on.

Kedece2410 · 04/04/2023 22:41

And yet another thread where the OP posts something that any reasonable person knows is unreasonable bit doesn't come back

Thread coming to DM or similar soon or am I just overly suspicious

alcquestion · 04/04/2023 22:43

Kedece2410 · 04/04/2023 22:41

And yet another thread where the OP posts something that any reasonable person knows is unreasonable bit doesn't come back

Thread coming to DM or similar soon or am I just overly suspicious

Agree.

But if this is real the op is BVU

IceMagic · 04/04/2023 22:43

You said one parent was unhappy rather than both the girls parents. Is it a lone parent?. Might be hard to fit an 8 hour round trip around work and caring for other children. I can see why they don't want a child of that age sent home on their own on public transport. My dd was doing short local trips on her own at that age but not crossing the country on her own.

Climbles · 04/04/2023 22:43

It depends what your emergency is and what the situation of the child’s parents is. Do they drive? Do they have a young child that means they can’t drive to pick her up?
It would need to be a full on emergency for you to have done this. If you drip feed you just need to go in to work then YABU. If someone close to you has died YANBU

Fixyourself · 04/04/2023 22:47

Yabu! I wouldn't be happy with my child being under the care of a male that I didn't know.

angelikacpickles · 04/04/2023 22:47

You are being totally unreasonable. Why couldn't you bring all of the girls home today?