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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

707 replies

Salemtrust · 04/04/2023 19:20

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay.
I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home.
I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on.
Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 04/04/2023 21:38

Course you aren’t doing anything wrong.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 04/04/2023 21:39

ThomasinaLivesHere · 04/04/2023 21:30

But OP hasn’t specified the issue so it’s hard to sympathise. Family emergency could be anything from a loved one dying to their aunt is coming for a last minute visit.
Also maybe the parents don’t drive so can’t pick up children.

Show quote history

One of these is an emergency, the other isn’t and no one would describe it as such. So we can assume it’s more similar to the former.

If I didn’t drive, so wouldn’t be making accusations and threats, I’d be apologising and falling over myself to work out a way around it. OP has already done them all a massive favour, frankly I’m gobsmacked at the number of people who think it’s acceptable to pile more pressure on someone dealing with a family emergency.

capybara80 · 04/04/2023 21:39

I work in primary and have my own 3 kids (13,11,9). I would not want any of them doing a 4 hour journey by themselves.
I would also be very worried about the handover when I'd entrusted them to your care.
It's a really tough one as you have an emergency but I'd feel happier if your DD and ds accompanied all of them home at the same time.

ConstanceOcean · 04/04/2023 21:39

raincamepouringdown · 04/04/2023 21:34

YABU

The 'emergency' has you leaving tomorrow. Tomorrow. So can't be too much of an emergency preventing you from packing them all up tonight and driving them all home before going to deal with your 'emergency'.

I completely missed the part that OP said she was leaving tomorrow.

I assumed someone was dying in hospital and OP needed to rush to their side before they died.

Nothing that can wait until the next day is an emergency.

drpet49 · 04/04/2023 21:40

raincamepouringdown · 04/04/2023 21:34

YABU

The 'emergency' has you leaving tomorrow. Tomorrow. So can't be too much of an emergency preventing you from packing them all up tonight and driving them all home before going to deal with your 'emergency'.

This!

Dymaxion · 04/04/2023 21:42

Surely that’s because statistically parents avoid leaving their children with men they don’t know?

Except at school, sports clubs, other after school interest clubs, holiday clubs both here and abroad, foreign exchange trips where children stay with a host family, sleepovers or playdates with older siblings/grandparents/random friends of family being present, the list is fairly long if you think about it. Most parents do leave their children with 'strangers' quite frequently.

Fluffyrug191 · 04/04/2023 21:43

I definitely wouldn't be putting a 10-12 year old on public transport for 4 hours alone!

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/04/2023 21:43

user146539089 · 04/04/2023 21:37

Good grief. A lot of you are in danger of turning your dc into nervous wrecks. If I was the parent I’d probably pack a bag and offer to take over. Problem sorted. Everyone happy.

So would I but then I'd have been grateful that someone was taking my child away. An emergency cannot be helped and if it happened to one of my child's friends parents, I'd be asking what I could do to help.

WilsonMilson · 04/04/2023 21:44

I think you’re all acting badly here. It’s very poor form of you to take the children away and not take responsibility for either staying or taking them home again. I would not be happy if I was another parent to have your dsd and her bf take over. In fact I would be livid and expect you to take the child home.

If I was the parent, I would absolutely drive and get my child, the police part is ridiculous, but I would be pretty fucking annoyed and you would never look after my child again.

Cherrysherbet · 04/04/2023 21:44

Doesn’t sound like a real emergency if you don’t have to leave until tomorrow?

I’d probably let my Dd stay if I spoke to the adult in charge and got good vibes, as I wouldn’t want to disappoint my child. If I thought there was any red flags, I’d be in the car and on my way to collect her (and any friends that wanted to come home). I would also speak to my Dd and make sure she was happy, and tell her to contact me on her phone if there were any issues.

I’d be REALLY pissed off with you if this turned out not to be an actual emergency though, and I’d never trust you again.

Mirabai · 04/04/2023 21:45

Dymaxion · 04/04/2023 21:42

Surely that’s because statistically parents avoid leaving their children with men they don’t know?

Except at school, sports clubs, other after school interest clubs, holiday clubs both here and abroad, foreign exchange trips where children stay with a host family, sleepovers or playdates with older siblings/grandparents/random friends of family being present, the list is fairly long if you think about it. Most parents do leave their children with 'strangers' quite frequently.

Most of those count as someone known to the child though. Stranger = random off the street.

CelestiaNoctis · 04/04/2023 21:46

Why can't you bring the child back with you? I wouldn't be happy because they could be anyone watching my kid whereas they know you. It sounds extreme to mention police but it seems like you weren't taking them very seriously before. Not everyone is able to bring their child back themselves, that's why you've taken them away and not them.

Dymaxion · 04/04/2023 21:48

I definitely wouldn't be putting a 10-12 year old on public transport for 4 hours alone!

I can travel by train for two hours and the same journey would take me 4-5 hours by car, if I am lucky and they have removed all the road works. If OP meant that a 4hr car journey was there and back, that might mean 2 hours by car and less than an hour by train ?

Loraloralaughs · 04/04/2023 21:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DonnaRix · 04/04/2023 21:49

HerRoyalStressHead · 04/04/2023 21:27

@DonnaRix I'd expect the parent taking them to have a contingency plan to get them home, not to leave them with a stranger. That's what I'd do if I had children that didn't belong to me and something came up. I'd get them home.

Well yeah but what if the other parent let you down?? You can’t just leave your daughter to fend for herself in the wild because “well I can’t get her, so-and-so’s mum was supposed to have planned for this”. YOU ultimately need to bring her home if all else fails. she is ultimately your responsibility.

Hungryfrogs23 · 04/04/2023 21:50

YABU
The agreement was that YOU would take 5heir child away and take care of them and return them safely, that is what the parents agreed to. Not some random other 23yr old and her bf who they don't know from Adam.
Also, no way would I be happy for my daughter to travel on public transport alone, paid for or not.
I would simply collect her but some parents may not be in a position to do that with work/finances/no ability to drive.
You took them, it's your responsibility to take care of them including getting them home safely.

lazycats · 04/04/2023 21:50

DannyZukosSmile · 04/04/2023 21:34

It's not one of those rare 'both sides are wrong' threads at all.

The OP is 100% wrong.

Show quote history

No, threatening to report it as a kidnapping is fucking stupid too.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 04/04/2023 21:51

They are being unreasonable but you are too. I would be very upset if you'd just presented these options to me as a fait accompli. The child is ten, I wouldn't be happy with my ten year old being put on a train or being in the care of someone I'd never met and presumably she hadn't either. Especially as they're barely into adulthood.

Dymaxion · 04/04/2023 21:52

Most of those count as someone known to the child though. Stranger = random off the street.

Most children are abused by someone known to them.

Royalbloo · 04/04/2023 21:52

I'd be furious and expect my child to be returned home.

If not, I'd collect her but I would never speak to you again.

DonnaRix · 04/04/2023 21:53

Also stressed what happens if your young child is two hours away from you and gets upset or sick and needs to come home? Other mum can’t bring her, she has all the others to think about. You need a plan for this.

Malificent1 · 04/04/2023 21:54

You can’t assume responsibility for someone else’s child, take them 4 hours away and then announce that you’re leaving them in the care of a 23 year old and her boyfriend because you need to leave the next day (not immediately) for an “emergency”. It’s really, really bad form.

Aaaaandbreathe · 04/04/2023 21:54

I wouldn't be comfortable with strangers looking after my child or travelling themselves and would not be happy.

Having said that, my children are still my responsibility so I would have no hesitation to collect them whether that meant going on public transport (if I didn't drive) to do so.

As PP have said, is it a real emergency if you can wait until tomorrow? Might not seem like it is to the other parents.

Assuming you know that there is nothing stopping them collecting their child (such as caring responsibilities) so I think you are both being a bit UR. Although the police thing is ridiculous. If they think their child is in danger bloody go and collect them. They could have did it tonight.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/04/2023 21:57

DonnaRix · 04/04/2023 21:53

Also stressed what happens if your young child is two hours away from you and gets upset or sick and needs to come home? Other mum can’t bring her, she has all the others to think about. You need a plan for this.

Evidently many parents wouldn't though.

Hullabalooza · 04/04/2023 22:03

What is the emergency? Why are you leaving these children? Without this information this is all conjecture. But, if this was my child I’d be in the car to collect them within the hour. If these parents don’t have this option then this is even worse. Poor children, no offence your 23 yo may be lovely. But not what was agreed, your attitude sounds rather blasé and I would not be leaving my child in your care again.

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