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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding drama

317 replies

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 01:16

I am the maid of honour for a friend I've known since primary school. She has planned and replanned her wedding down to small details since she was 6. She is having three weddings, one in the US and two big ones in London (one will include everyone and the second will include only close friends).

I am expected to be in attendance or helping her from 6am that day till the wedding ends in the early hours of the next morning.

My husband will be coming with my daughter who just turned three for the church bit from 10am till the end of dinner. She is the flower girl so she cannot come any later. She normally takes her nap at 1pm for approximately one hour after lunch.

I know the bride was offered a honeymoon suite so asked if my daughter could nap there for one hour during one of the intermissions. She seemed very upset and said no. I didn't take it personally and moved on quickly and booked a hotel room nearby in another building. I figured that she wouldn't be using it at that time (she will be taking wedding photos) so it may not be a big deal but I didn't expect her to feel so insulted.

She's been telling everyone how cheeky and entitled I am. She shouldn't have even been put in such an awkward position. Also she kept emphasising that it's called the honeymoon suite for a reason and recounts the story every time we meet up as a group. I asked without thinking and I apologised. I was not offended or upset when she said no but she won't really let this go. She asked me what kind of tone deaf best friend would ask for the a newly wed couple's honeymoon suite.

I feel like a jerk but I don't know what I can do since I've already apologised. I've also organised & spent over two thousand pounds on her hen night. It had all of her dream activities in and she said it was perfect. I paid for my own bridesmaid dress because she said that the wedding is costing a lot so I offered to cover my own costs so as to not be a burden. I have also been at her beck and call without complaints re the wedding planning for two years. I've attended monthly meetings with her so I've also given up a lot of my time. Am I being unreasonable to think that she should just accept my apology and move on. I was thoughtless. I've learned my lesson. I don't know what else she wants from me.

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 04/04/2023 03:36

You sound lovely, thoughtful, kind, and polite.

just a little antidote from a stranger, to the poison she’s speaking, which you do not deserve.

if anyone knows you and knows her, I have a feeling her bringing up your request is going to make HER look truly bad, and not be a reflection on you. I’d let that particular worry go - you did not ask too much. You did not ask anything unreasonable.

usually If someone goes on and on like that, deep down they feel uncomfortable because they know they’re in the wrong.

in any case - she’s lucky to have a friend like you. I hope you find friends who appreciate you better.

DPotter · 04/04/2023 03:39

I glad to hear you have an exit plan

I give the marriage a year

WitheredandOld · 04/04/2023 03:45

Next time she brings it up you need to be firm.

”I’ve apologised for this already and you need to stop bringing it up. I’ve gone above and beyond for your wedding and honestly it’s upsetting that after everything I’ve done THIS is what you choose to focus on.”

If she reacts badly to that then she’s no friend.

PandaTears · 04/04/2023 03:50

Friendships are sometimes worth losing, believe me.

Angelil · 04/04/2023 03:51

YABU to be such a doormat.

Sugargliderwombat · 04/04/2023 03:54

Op I doubt anyone she says it too judges you at all, it's a really normal request... my friends husband slept off a migraine in another friend's honeymoon suite with no issue or hesitation.

Angelil · 04/04/2023 03:55

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 02:03

Yes I will have a talk with her about not publicly shaming me between now and the wedding. Then I will pull back after.

I guess I hesitated for so long because I keep remembering what our friendship used to be like in school. My dad was in a car accident when I was in secondary school and she went with me to the hospital after school every day. I got so distracted because I was worried about him that I got told off in class all the time that year. She always gave me a copy of her notes and checked in to make sure I was okay.

Show quote history

Aaaaaand that was a long time ago. It sounds like she has changed a lot since then. You don’t ‘owe’ her anything.

beachpearl · 04/04/2023 03:58

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 02:56

I want to look back and not feel like I've done anything I am really not proud of.

You might be trying to make her proud, but are you proud of yourself? No!

ShippingNews · 04/04/2023 04:17

I keep remembering what our friendship used to be like in school. My dad was in a car accident when I was in secondary school and she went with me to the hospital after school every day

I assume that this happened a very long time ago. Maybe that was the one time she was ever thoughtful. You need to move on - she certainly has ! Stop feeling grateful for something she did so long ago ! You are turning yourself into a doormat ,paying over and over again for that one thing she did for you. Back away, you'll feel much better I promise !

Chickmad · 04/04/2023 04:38

@Emotionalstorm The "sanctity" of her honeymoon suite is even more laughable when you consider she is already married!

This weekend is just an elaborate costume party so she can be the belle of the ball again.

A decent friend would be worried that her little flowergirl was comfortable.

She is using you. And she will attempt to gaslight you that she is just stressed and will change. She has shown you who she is. And it seems you are the last to see it.

Her grasping hen do choices and expecting you to fund it all. She has played you. By doing the bare minimum in school she has had a whipping boy and an ATM. Wonder how often over the years she has manipulated you into footing the bill or doing things for her?

user1492757084 · 04/04/2023 04:38

You are not unreasonable.
She will realise that one day when she has a child.
Your friend is too precious.

Pat yourself on the back for all that you have done for her.
See the wedding out.
Try to forget the child/room episode.

If you feel you can, without causing more problems, privately remind your friend of your apology and that it hurts you when she retells the story and please could she desist.

It is a sensiblel idea to have a booked room that you can use at any time to refresh, put the child to sleep etc. Your child and you will not be interupted there and she will be weary and overwhelmed by the excitement, wedding theatrics etc.

Codlingmoths · 04/04/2023 04:50

I see no issues at all with saying next time she says something ‘Christ are you not DONE publicly shaming me for trying to work out how to get my daughter a nap so she doesn’t spoil your second wedding while I work my butt off trying to make it a fantastic occasion for you? It’s fine , I’ve booked a room in another hotel, I’ll have to disappear for maybe a couple of hours to get her to sleep, I have no idea why you are still going on about this but it’s really starting to annoy me. If you can tell me not to talk about my kitchen renovation becasue you only talk about weddings I’d like you to stop having a go because I’m a mum of a (4yo?) and can’t just file my child away in a drawer.

glad to see you are getting a healthier perspective through the thread!

Codlingmoths · 04/04/2023 04:53

Also, I and any of my friends would have offered the suite for her nap in her place. You didn’t even do anything weird to start with.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 04/04/2023 05:04

TedMullins · 04/04/2023 01:33

Why on EARTH have you spent two grand on this spoilt twat? I’d have ditched her years ago.

My thoughts exactly

Autienotnautie · 04/04/2023 05:18

If she brings it up again, I would take her to one side and say I asked the question, you obviously didn't want her to nap there and that's fine , I've made other arrangements and apologised for offending you. That was not my intention. I'd appreciate it if we could drop it now.

If she continues you have to consider she is not bothered about your feelings and I'd be tempted to put her in her place.

FranksOcean · 04/04/2023 05:24

Emotionalstorm · 04/04/2023 02:45

If it makes you less worried. My daughter is the most stubborn being I've ever met and her nick name is 'dear leader'. My husband thinks we need to give her a sibling or she might have serious only child syndrome.

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Good lord what on earth is wrong with you OP 🤦🏻‍♀️

TheHoodedPaw · 04/04/2023 05:29

She thinks you’re her admin assistant, not a friend. That’s why she got annoyed about the honeymoon suite.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/04/2023 05:39

WitheredandOld · 04/04/2023 03:45

Next time she brings it up you need to be firm.

”I’ve apologised for this already and you need to stop bringing it up. I’ve gone above and beyond for your wedding and honestly it’s upsetting that after everything I’ve done THIS is what you choose to focus on.”

If she reacts badly to that then she’s no friend.

This.

She doesn't deserve to have a friend as lovely as you.

manova366 · 04/04/2023 05:54

Not any judgment on you OP but I can't believe the drama of having THREE weddings. If nutters like your friend put a fraction of the effort into the actual task of being married that they put into getting hitched, the divorce rate wouldn't be 50%.

Sierra26 · 04/04/2023 06:14

Get through the wedding and use this to reframe your friendship with her, she sounds very high maintenance and self centred. In meantime a text to her saying -

“hi Xx, I hope your Xx went well yesterday. I just wanted to text to say I’m sorry again for asking about using your room on the day for Xx’s nap. It’s been playing on my mind, and I know it’s been on yours as you’ve brought it up a few times since to me and others. Like I said, I’m really sorry, but I’m starting to feel a bit awkward. Is there anything else you want to chat through or can we put it behind us?”

ThomasinaLivesHere · 04/04/2023 06:15

I still don’t get why there’s two UK weddings.

It’s good you’re pulling out of USA wedding.

snitzelvoncrumb · 04/04/2023 06:22

Hopefully she is just caught up in the excitement and her moment in the lime light. I am guessing she doesn’t have kids, so doesn’t really understand. I had a friend get upset over someone knowing a friend would be an hour late to her milestone birthday party because she had to wait for her mum to be home to babysit. No concept of life with kids.

lv884 · 04/04/2023 06:37

I wouldn’t have asked to use a honeymoon suite tbh but that’s just me. I say this because 3yos tend to be alright in weddings and sleep fine in their buggy when it gets late - despite their usual nap routines and temperaments, in my experience at least. And so what if she is a bit grumpy in your mate’s pics? That’s what happens when they want a cute toddler as a flower girl. I was surprised mine actually walked down the aisle…

But I think you being a bit worried about your daughter might be more because you want the day to go perfectly for your friend - and not just in the usual way we do for our friends but perhaps because she’s so difficult.

You shouldn’t have paid that much money on her but it’s done now. I hope she realises how much of a crap friend she’s been after her hen party and wedding(s!) and how good a friend you have been and makes amends. But tbh I’m of the age that my patience for any relationship that doesn’t make me feel good or happy has worn very thin.

I agree she will probably be the same if not more insufferable when children come (e.g. I can already picture the baby shower). I’d probably want to cut my losses and spend more time focusing on quality friendships, as harsh as that might sound. But if you do remain close, I think you have to assert your boundaries as she is walking over you.

Barbecuebeans · 04/04/2023 06:42

FranksOcean · 04/04/2023 02:19

👍🏻

OP is being selective about who she replies to, clearly the truth hurts and doesn’t like to admit she’s a door mat/mug

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So nasty.

And so wrong. The OP has been very honest and taken on board what people are saying. Absolutely no need to put the boot in.

PrinceAperol · 04/04/2023 06:47

She needs to let this go. You've apologised and you feel awful about it. What is the point in her holding onto it?

At this point, the issue itself is neither here nor there and who was right or wrong or whether it was justified, it's irrelevant.

It's the fact that you guys have been best friends for so many years, but she isn't accepting your apology over a relatively small issue that didn't amount to any issues on her wedding day, and she continues to make you feel bad about it.

I think you need to have a very honest conversation with her about what friendship is actually supposed to be and how this is making you feel.