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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Philip Schofield: As far as I am concerned, I no longer have a brother."

522 replies

DancingWithMashedPotato · 03/04/2023 17:38

Philip Schofield's brother had now been convicted of sexual abuse with a young boy over a 3 yr period. Horrendous crime. Philip Schofield has now stated "As far as I am concerned, I no longer have a brother.""

Now, it's completely up to Philip how he responds to his brother in what must be a v v stressful time. I cast no judgement whatsoever, and his life in the public eye adds so many new dimensions for him that must be hard to handle.

However, his comments about no longer having a brother really cut deep and made me wonder how I'd react

I adore my siblings and I think (though obviously things might be different if it actually happened) that I couldn't bring myself to disown or abandon my brother's no matter what they did. I can imagine some very limited events which might lead to me not speaking to them for a bit, perhaps a v long time. But I think by and large, no matter what they did, however bad, while there are some things I couldn't forgive and maybe could never understand, I don't think I could disown them. AIBU?

What are your views? Are there some things you absolutely would disown your family for? Are there some generally agreed limits for what a person can tolerate from a family member before they are disowned. Is child abuse the line? Murder?

OP posts:
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Straightsidedcircle · 03/04/2023 18:21

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NumberTheory · 03/04/2023 18:21

I find the language about “disowning” pretty weird to be honest. I can see no longer speaking to a family member because of the way they behave, but they’re still going to be my family member. You can’t change that. It seems to be more about begging others not to see you as “tainted” by their actions as anything else. A nod to public pressure.

Not sure how healthy that is. Ostracization must make rehabilitation next to impossible for those who go too far, that is likely bad for reoffending after they’re released. But I think the social pressure probably stops more people from getting to that stage in the first place, and lowers the assistance they can find to offend, and also makes it easier for victims to act in ways that will protect themselves and to feel safer/more able to move on after an assault.

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 03/04/2023 18:21

I'd disown any member of my family for :

sexual abuse of a child (or any sexual interest in a child)
any type of abuse of an animal, woman or elderly person.
drug dealing.
Physical violence.

StrandedStarfish · 03/04/2023 18:22

I have a cousin who is in prison after being convicted for a serious offence. I love my cousin. I just hate what he did.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 03/04/2023 18:23

readbooksdrinktea · 03/04/2023 17:52

Definitely agree with this.

Show quote history

Yep, this. And he was aware of this in 2021 wasn’t he ? So he waited until it was public before disowning him ?

AskMeMore · 03/04/2023 18:23

I could not let a sibling who did this anywhere near my children. So whatever my feelings it would be in practice difficult to see them.

mumof2andstillsurviving · 03/04/2023 18:24

The man that abused me had his brother with him right the way through the trial supporting him. Giving him a fucking thumbs up. When he knew what he was (he had been told years before) and he sat through all the evidence from 5 survivors and heard in detail what he had done to us. He gave him a thumbs up after being sent down for the night whilst they decided on his sentence. And then insisted on sitting behind the survivors in the area designed just for us, for the sentencing. The police asked him to move and he refused. He is as bad as his brother as far as I am concerned and I welcome the news that Schofield will disown his brother. The fact that he gave a statement about the confession tells me he is on the side of good. Not everyone would do that. People lied to defend our abuser. He was eventually convicted, got 16 years, not that he will serve it all

nothingcomestonothing · 03/04/2023 18:24

I disowned a family member who committed a crime against a child,but I did it the day I found out, not two years later cos it's in the news.

But then, I've got a moral compass and not a public image, so...

redglobox · 03/04/2023 18:24

How is Philip Schofield still on TV?

YetiTeri · 03/04/2023 18:24

PS couldn't have released a statement disowning his brother as that would have been subjudice.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 03/04/2023 18:25

Surely this is one of those “I have no idea how I’d feel until it happens” scenario.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 03/04/2023 18:26

redglobox · 03/04/2023 18:24

How is Philip Schofield still on TV?

He knows too much about too many people

clpsmum · 03/04/2023 18:26

ParagraphOne · 03/04/2023 17:40

I'd disown a paedophile.

This. Not even something I have to think about

WeWereInParis · 03/04/2023 18:26

I would absolutely cut off a sibling. I'm not sure I would cut off either of my daughters if they committed an awful crime. Not to the point of saying "as far as I'm concerned, I no longer have a daughter."

Tomkirkman · 03/04/2023 18:26

DancingWithMashedPotato · 03/04/2023 18:10

I do absolutely get this, and of course many people would hold this same view and do absolutely hold it and I totally totally get why. Maybe I would be the same. I don't know.

I'm not saying I'd invite them to the family BBQ, or let them babysit. But I couldn't imagine disowning them either - so yes, that would mean visiting them in prison, or in their own bedsit/flat wherever, without my children etc..

And yes I could imagine having a catch up over tea. Not because I'm a horrible person who condones what they have done - I would never condone it or see it as anything other than deplorable and horrendous (if it was child abuse/murder etc..). But, that person is still a person and they r still related to me. And I may be all they have(?)

I think my view is tarnished by having worked with offenders for most of my adult life - including hundreds of sex offenders and many other people who've committed serious crimes. All - without exception - have experienced significant trauma as a child and when you trace the steps back, you can see how they've come to have done what they have done. Like I said - that isn't to condone it or say it wasn't anything but horrendous.

Also, because of my job, I have had many 'catch ups' with people in prison. Not always/often over tea! But sometimes people are not 'all' bad. If it was a sibling, or my son, I just don't know if I could forget the love or memories of the good bits. Plus, I guess, if you are a sibling you may have more inkling than most about what trauma may have contributed to the person sitting before you, who committed the crime(?)

Show quote history

You would sit in the house of a violent rapist passing the time of day?

I don’t understand that at all.

I have huge trauma from my childhood. I don’t abuse people. Plenty of people have trauma and don’t abuse people. Your past trauma is not an excuse for raping women and/or children. And no, I can not get my head around anyone thinking ‘yes I can see how you life experiences led you to think you had a right to abuse people’.

That is condoning it. You are saying they didn’t have a choice. They absolutely did. Then raping a child isn’t something that happen TO them. It’s something they did.

I agree people are not all bad. But no amount of good can overcome the ‘bad’ caused when they raped someone.

Comparing your job, to your personal life is extremely odd imo. There’s people at work I socialise with at work that I wouldn’t in my private life.

WeWereInParis · 03/04/2023 18:27

WeWereInParis · 03/04/2023 18:26

I would absolutely cut off a sibling. I'm not sure I would cut off either of my daughters if they committed an awful crime. Not to the point of saying "as far as I'm concerned, I no longer have a daughter."

But I would absolutely call the police to report them if it came to it.

Godwhatswrongwithme · 03/04/2023 18:27

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BessieSurtees · 03/04/2023 18:27

What a hypocrite his statement states he would have acted immediately if his brother had confessed to a crime. In 2021 his brother told him he had committed a sexual act on a young boy in 2020 but PS did nothing. Apparently the Schofields don’t see grooming as a crime …..

JadeandGreen · 03/04/2023 18:27

Americano75 · 03/04/2023 17:43

I'm sure salvaging his career wasn't a motivating factor at all.

Exactly! Didn't disown him when he told him what he'd done but no one else knew!

Iwasfeelingepic · 03/04/2023 18:28

DancingWithMashedPotato · 03/04/2023 18:10

I do absolutely get this, and of course many people would hold this same view and do absolutely hold it and I totally totally get why. Maybe I would be the same. I don't know.

I'm not saying I'd invite them to the family BBQ, or let them babysit. But I couldn't imagine disowning them either - so yes, that would mean visiting them in prison, or in their own bedsit/flat wherever, without my children etc..

And yes I could imagine having a catch up over tea. Not because I'm a horrible person who condones what they have done - I would never condone it or see it as anything other than deplorable and horrendous (if it was child abuse/murder etc..). But, that person is still a person and they r still related to me. And I may be all they have(?)

I think my view is tarnished by having worked with offenders for most of my adult life - including hundreds of sex offenders and many other people who've committed serious crimes. All - without exception - have experienced significant trauma as a child and when you trace the steps back, you can see how they've come to have done what they have done. Like I said - that isn't to condone it or say it wasn't anything but horrendous.

Also, because of my job, I have had many 'catch ups' with people in prison. Not always/often over tea! But sometimes people are not 'all' bad. If it was a sibling, or my son, I just don't know if I could forget the love or memories of the good bits. Plus, I guess, if you are a sibling you may have more inkling than most about what trauma may have contributed to the person sitting before you, who committed the crime(?)

Show quote history

My view on this is probably skewed with my history, abused by 3 uncles & my grandad since around the age of 5 and into my late teens. I wasn't raped by them, but they attempted it & done everything else imaginable. I haven't gone on to abuse anyone, so I find it really hard when people makes excuses for adult behaviour. Yes I know past trauma can affect people and can shape their future but some people are just evil. Could you really 'catch up' with someone who's done horrible things to a child? Really?
I love my husband more than life,but if I found out he did anything to a child or woman I would have nothing to do with him again & would hope our daughter wouldn't either. I would hand on heart report anyone and have nothing to do with them ever again, no matter who.
I honestly can't believe you could. Can I ask what you would do if your son abused another family member? Like a sister if they had one?

Viviennemary · 03/04/2023 18:29

I think it's his business how he deals with it. I don't know why the press are making such a thing of it just because it's Philip Schofield.

idontlikementhols · 03/04/2023 18:29

I'm not sure PS will be back on This Morning. He's tainted now with something no one would want to be associated with.

Prescottdanni123 · 03/04/2023 18:29

He was giving evidence against his brother so I doubt they were besties up until yesterday

ancientgran · 03/04/2023 18:30

I'd disown a sibling but not one of my kids or GC.

JustDanceAddict · 03/04/2023 18:30

I’m not a Phil fan but he apparently was told by his brother that the boy in question was 16 before it came to light that he wasn’t.