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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

508 replies

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 06:54

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

  1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).
  1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.
  1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.
  1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.
  1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

OP posts:
spiderplantparty · 03/04/2023 08:50

It is good DB recognises that his wife needs help. You are not the person to provide it. If SIL reported you to the police three times when she didn't even live with you what would she do when she was under your roof? It would be a flat out no from me and I wouldn't let him try and emotionally blackmail me.

8misskitty8 · 03/04/2023 08:50

I’d also wager there’s bugger all wrong with her. Unless being a bitch is now a recognised illness !

FabFitFifties · 03/04/2023 08:50

LolaSmiles has a good point about the list OP - and I assume family are aware of it all anyway?

Berthatydfil · 03/04/2023 08:50

Tell him
This is the woman who wouldn't let me ride in the family car to my own parents’s funeral and you let it happen. So the answer is no, dont ask again.

SirTarquin · 03/04/2023 08:51

Perhaps I should recommend my therapist to them? She knows SIL very well already from the discussions we've had about her.

Do NOT do this @OooWhatAWhopper if you are happy with your therapist. It will just pollute the relationship as you will wonder what SIL has told her about you. It's like pulling a thread that will unravel for you as it will bug you.

d

diddl · 03/04/2023 08:51

Obviously though you shouldn't have her in the house because of what she might do/accuse you of.

GoodChat · 03/04/2023 08:51

SirTarquin · 03/04/2023 08:51

Perhaps I should recommend my therapist to them? She knows SIL very well already from the discussions we've had about her.

Do NOT do this @OooWhatAWhopper if you are happy with your therapist. It will just pollute the relationship as you will wonder what SIL has told her about you. It's like pulling a thread that will unravel for you as it will bug you.

d

I think she was joking. She's a MH professional - she's not going to do that.

Humanwoman · 03/04/2023 08:52

Is db being a flying monkey here? Seeing as you've grey rocked your Sil successfully she is getting at you through him.
If you must reply Just say No thankyou. Don't give excuses or it will give them something to argue about. Your not wanting to is all the reason you need.

loislovesstewie · 03/04/2023 08:52

Having read that you are qualified in mental health issues then it's even more important that you say no. You will never be able to unwind, relax and be effective at work while you are permanently on duty with this one. Just say no, and don't enter into any argument. If either wants to just say no again and point out that you don't need to discuss reasons. So sorry for the rubbish you have put up with from them.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/04/2023 08:54

I agrée that she has treated you horribly and you owe her nothing. Every thing PPs have said.

I also agree that your brother is complicit in a lot of it - especially the funeral car aspect - how could he have watched you go off and have to drive yourself? Surely if someone had to give up their seat to his wife it would be him if he chose? And the being at the nursing home, and the being rude to you.

Why can’t he look after her if she needs looking after? That’s his job to do, he married her.

Definitely say no OP, and don’t feel remotely bad about it.

Mangotango39 · 03/04/2023 08:54

No way!!!!!! She sounds horrid!!!!!!
stick to yours hun and ignore.

Mangotango39 · 03/04/2023 08:54

Guns * opps !

SpilltheTea · 03/04/2023 08:54

I'd tell him April Fool's Day was Saturday but that was a good one.

Newnamenewname109870 · 03/04/2023 08:55

You only take someone on like that when you care very deeply and have a very good relationship. I would be no contact with this woman.

k1233 · 03/04/2023 08:55

Given your occupation, I'd be inclined to tell him that if a client of yours came to you with that list, no history of sincere apology or making an effort to correct past wrongs and now a request for the person to live with them you'd advise your client....... So you are taking the same course of action yourself and the answer is No.

It's not about being helpful or kind. It's about a person treating you poorly for an extended period and you not allowing them into your most intimate place ie your home life, as you cannot trust their history of unkindness towards you won't continue and be excused by "poor mental health". You are not prepared to put yourself in that position.

NoSquirrels · 03/04/2023 08:56

Wow. Bloody hell. What on earth is your brother thinking?

No, of course she cannot come and stay. Tell him

Brother, I understand you’re trying to do the right thing by SIL and it seems like staying with me would be a good idea but I’m afraid it wouldn’t be good for either her or me. Can I recommend X [therapist]? She is great at talking through problems and will be impartial which is definitively what you need in this sort of situation if SIL is feeling so overwhelmed.

TheNine · 03/04/2023 08:56

Please, please cut all contact with both SIL and brother for now, to put some proper distance between you and this highly damaging situation. Although you’re a highly qualified MH professional, as you are in the middle of this, I don’t think you fully realise how toxic this is - shown by the fact you are even having to ask if you are bu.
If any family member or friend asks you to justify this decision, all you need to do is repeat the list you stated in the op - in fact why would you need to go beyond point 1 - she reported you to police 3 times when you had done nothing wrong - when justifying why you do not want this person to come and stay in your house.
Please take some space to gain perspective 💐

HotSauceCommittee · 03/04/2023 08:57

I'd be telling DB that he needs to LTB.

avocadotofu · 03/04/2023 08:58

You're absolutely right not to let her stay. She has been horrible. Please stick to your guns.

Stravaig · 03/04/2023 08:58

As well as standing firm, I'd also push back at your brother, along the lines of - 'it's not acceptable that you bring this toxic, abusive, destructive person into my life, and enable and excuse her at every turn'. You have a DB problem as much as a SIL problem.

magicthree · 03/04/2023 08:59

No way should you agree to this. She sounds absolutely horrible and I would be pointing out to DB everything she has done when you refuse. I can't believe that he is okay with her behaviour, especially in relation to your mother. I would be inclined to go no contact with the pair of them.

Original poster
OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 08:59

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/04/2023 08:49

Suggested message:

"You know she’s done some pretty nasty stuff to me, right? Maybe it would be better if she went to stay with one of her friends. You know, somebody who actually likes her. Or does she not have any? But it's a no from me. Don't ask me again."

Love that but it'd cause an unbelievable amount of trouble & she'd thrive on that. I don't want to give her the opportunity to play victim & portray me as the villain. I genuinely believe that this whole MH episode is a ruse to illicit sympathy & second chances..... but there's a limit to what can be forgiven & forgotten.

OP posts:
Muu · 03/04/2023 09:00

“She’s always treated me like shit, so no”

at first I misread this as your husband wanting his sister to stay with you and I thought that was cheeky. But your brother? That takes the biscuit. He needs to sort out his own problems.

Greenpolkadot · 03/04/2023 09:00

Why can't she stay with someone else ?
Are the family sick of her and want her out of the way for a while ?
Stuff being kind to her .being kind to yourself is more important.
Let your DB sort her out another way

Inkpotlover · 03/04/2023 09:01

Keep it simple: ‘Sorry to hear things are tough but that’s not going to work for me. I can’t accommodate a staying guest.’