Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

Your SIL sounds awful. No way on god's earth should you contemplate for even a milisecond having her at your house. What a bizarre request from your DB. She can go on a mini break or get therapy instead - not with your therapist though!!!!!! Very sorry to hear about your mum and that you weren't able to have any final private moments with her. That would be the absolute deal breaker for me. She cannot come back from that. I could not forgive or forget that.

I see your sil has voted. 🙂

I’m going to get flamed for drip feeding here, sorry. I should have said in the OP that I'm an AMHP (approved mental health practitioner) qualified social worker. But that doesn't mean I offer in patient care! I live alone with my kids, home is where I unwind.

So he wants free residential mental health care for her - fuck that shit. You need to be able to rest and relax, not be coming home to more mayhem after a demanding day at work. As a social worker you’ll be very used to setting boundaries for your service users, heres another opportunity to practice. If she’s so unwell what are they doing to access care from paid professionals rather than thinking she can be your side project?

Obviously no.

”No, that is not possible.”

I would probably avoid saying anything more. And don’t say sorry either.

Could you tell him that you'll be as kind to her as she has been to you, and therefore she's not welcome?

You've said no. Don't enter a dialogue about the shit she's done. Last thing you want is for them to come back with "But..." There is no excuse for her behaviour and you don't want to ho to a point of no return with your brother. I think that providing a list of incidents could bite you in the arse too. A bully doesn't need yo know which incident hurt you the most.

If your brother brings it up again just say that he should ask someone who gets along with her or organize a short term let as far away from you as possible . You don't need someone bullying you in your own home and seem to have excellent boundaries right now.

No don't let her stay. But make the excuse that it wouldn't work, could end up making her worse as you don't get on. And you are stressed yourself and not in a position to give her the help she needs. Whether it's true or not.

Isn’t it a shame that having her stay could be professionally compromising/unethical

I mean, you quite rightly don’t have access to her full medical record, and you wouldn’t want to cause more harm than good

It’s safest for her and her ongoing healing that you don’t interact at all

Quite apart from all the other arguments around her behaviour and your need not to exhaust yourself running round after someone else (even if she were the loveliest person on earth), it would be incredibly unprofessional, and no doubt frowned upon by professional bodies, to unofficially 'treat' a relative like this. You could say that to your brother to shut him up, although tbh I think a 'no - this is an extremely inappropriate request, don't ask me again' should be enough. Your brother isn't even really bothering to hide that he wants to offload the emotional work of her onto you. Is 'being nice' a role expected of you or perhaps more generally of women in your family (SIL excepted, of course)?

Why does your brother think his wife would recuperate better from the stresses of life in your home than in her own? It sounds like he's had enough of her. You could remind him that the marriage service refers to having and holding in sickness and in health. It does not say anything about palming your spouse off on the nearest female relative.

I'd say to your DB

"Was it kind when she made me drive to our mums funeral so she could have a seat in the funeral car?"

" was it kind when she laughed at my new hair cut?"

" was it kind when she put my BF on a dating app?"

"Would you like me to point out other was it kind statements?"

And if he comes back with "being kind is being the bigger person" or some other equally inane shite I'd respond with "I've been the bigger and kind person for 2 years by ignoring her shitty behaviour rather than calling her out on it. Now she has to lay in the bed she made".

for you. I lost my mum to cancer in a hospice and it's awful.

Since you've fairly successfully been grey rock for two years at this point I wouldn't get into any mud slinging. I'd maintain grey rock, just say 'No' and don't budge an inch. Why should you give a shiny shite about this woman's mental health when she's been nothing but an utter bitch? I'd guess she's the last person on earth you'd want in your home, but since you've withdrawn and are no longer providing fuel for her raging [what sounds like] narcissism, no doubt she's trying to find a way to get into your home and continue. Fuck that. She's not your problem.

So is she expecting you to cook and feed her, clean up after her, do her washing, so that she can escape the stresses of life? In other words plonk her arse on your sofa and treat the place like an exclusive nursing home? Do not do it.

Why do I just know that the reason she wouldn’t let OP have any time alone with her dying mum was because she was guarding “her” share of the estate? (My family is full of these manipulative, borderline, hysterical vultures too.)

"I'm sorry her mental health is so bad, but that's the point. It's so bad, I can't cope with it without it affecting mine. Her previous behaviour has been too much and I can not put myself through that. I appreciate it is affecting you and your mental health, but ultimately as your wife it is your responsibility to deal with her not mine. I am not married to her and I have not made a commitment to her. I am not impressed at you trying to emotionally blackmail me into a situation I am not prepared to put myself into on the basis that 'it would really help you if I was kind'. I have been kind on many other occasions but am not prepared to be a doormat. You need to find professional help for her rather than trying to offload her on to me if things have become that bad. If you can't cope with her, I don't understand why you think I can"

Exactly this!

This. I’ve have nothing to do with this crazy, spiteful woman.

I think just continue the grey rock but extend to your brother as well ‘no that doesn’t work for me or my kids.’ If he tries to push just say ‘I’ve said no.’

How is the rest of your family? Do they understand what she’s like? Is your dad still alive? Can you not stop seeing your DB and SIL entirely- I can’t imagine they add much joy to your life!

That's exactly what I thought. She's bored of being Grey Rocked and wants an "in" to your life.

Personally I wouldn't get involved and I definitely wouldn't be sending a list of what she's done.

I'd maybe send a text to your DB saying that whilst you sympathise, you're unable to help out at the moment and then don't get involved with providing anymore comment on your situation or hers. Just keep saying that you are really sorry but it's just not doable right now and you hope that they find an alternative to help them both.

Do not let this toxic woman take away more of your own good mental health.

She has her own friends/family.

Just say No.

My thoughts exactly but then I have been grey rocking my M for decades so am quite used to what works and what doesn't

Perhaps it is time to go NC with your brother and sil OP.

You are scared to say something to piss them off, but what are you getting out of continuing a relationship with him?

Wouldn't your life be calmer if you cut contact entirely and dropped the rope?

"Caring for your wife is your responsibility, and it's grossly sexist to try and outsource it to your closest female relative".

It's a professional conflict of interest and it would not be possible to have her as a patient or as a guest. Please don't put me an the awkward position by asking again. The answer will remain no. Here's a list of reputable therapists for narcissism/fuckwittery/extreme attention seeking and/or domestic abusers.

Good grief, he doesn’t want her but it’s ok for you to deal with 😂 it’d be a hard no from me and there’s probably something in your code of ethics saying you can’t provide care for a family member.