Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

No need to add to the drama by listing all the ways she's wronged you. Just reiterate that you're not in a position for her to come to stay, but in the spirit of being kind here are a bunch of services/resources that she may find helpful, and that you hope she feels better soon.

So are they hoping SIL staying will you means free therapy of some kind.

Absolutely say no. If she is struggling with her MH she needs to get her own GP involved and your brother needs to support his wife.

You absolutely lost me at point 4 though, if any of my family thought this was ok and appropriate I would go no contact with the lot of them. Your brother especially he is enabling this shitty behaviour.

Not adding much to the thread because I agree with everything others have already said but just incase it helps you to hear it OP I want to reiterate that those things are incredibly extreme - not just a bit mean but active cruelty and verging on the psychopathic. It would have been completely justified to cut contact with her and your brother for enabling her after one or two of them.

I agree with you -if she's treated others around her a quarter of the way she's treated you sounds like the consequences of her own actions are starting to bite her!

Also agree that even if you got on OK asking if your wife can come and live with your sil for an unspecified time is really weird! As it's for her "mental health" I imagine he'd expect you to look after her and for her not to do much or any work herself -fuck that even if it was someone you liked!

I wouldn't send the list or indulge in any further conversation about this, other than something like " No, as I've already said this is not happening." I'd cut back contact with your DB as well, he clearly just sees you as some sort of female receptacle for his problems.

Can he not book her a holiday? You are doing the right thing. I feel sorry for your brother living with that situation can’t be easy.

I really don't know what you're talking about 'battered her dp with a lamp'.

Your brother needs to support his wife himself

The things THEY did to you around the death of your dear mum were despicable.

I say they because your brother was complicit - what the hell was he doing standing by watching you let her have your seat in the funeral car and driving yourself??

Never mind grey rock I'd be going NC with the pair of them.

That list is unbelievably shocking. Anyone of those things is so bad as to warrant a termination of all contact in a rational way.

I think if someone had reported me to the police unjustifiably (once would be enough) my attitude with my sibling would be, that's the end of all contact I am having with your partner. I am not going to see them or be anywhere that they are. If you want a relationship with me, you need to accept that we maintain it ouside the confines of your marriage because I am not dealing with this person.

I wonder if because both you and your brother are in this situation that both of you have lost perspective a bit here - him for even considering let alone asking that you would accept her to live with you and you for questioning how to deal with it.

Objectively, it is so bad that no rational person would expect even Mother Theresa to have this person in their nunnery for even a cup of tea.

I agree with others about explain to him the full list/show it to him and tell him that you aren't going to discuss it any more. Your position is clear.

If anyone needs mental health help here, it's him for the delusion that lead him to even ask!!!

'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'.

What an absolute shit your brother is.

Send him a list of MH practitioners who can help her.

If it's just a few days away that's wanted they can pay like everyone else!

Your drip feed makes no difference OP, other than strengthening your case. You do an exremely stressful job and MUST be able to have down time. Also you absolutely must think of your kids, even if they are adults, and their need to feel happy and safe at home. Create a full, not just tip of the iceberg, list and keep presenting it, after a firm no, to any family member who tries to argue. She's poison, and could be detrimental to the mental health of your whole household and even your job. Do not give an inch.

"it's a shame you didn't seek my advice as a MHP earlier, before it got so bad"

I know DB is a massive problem too. That's why I don't want to loose my shit & go full on banshee. It'll be fuel to the 'OooWhatAWhopper is so evil & selfish' narrative.

I needed therapy myself after the dating site incident. Perhaps I should recommend my therapist to them? She knows SIL very well already from the discussions we've had about her.

The potential of this being a way for her to overcome the grey rock hasn't escaped me. I'm too close to the situation to look at it rationally/professionally though.

Another vote for saying no to him/her.

Don't send the list of behaviours. It would open the door for minimising, trying to refuse each one, gaslighting you, you must have misunderstood etc.

You're not responsible for anyone needing to have a break from life, especially someone who has proven they are unwilling to be polite and reasonable

Baffled as to why you’re not NC with the pair of them tbh.

Just seen your update re being AMHP. If that’s his argument, you could definitely point out that you don’t have a professional/client based working relationship with your SIL (evidenced by all the shit she has caused you), and so it won’t work. If she needs residential care and not available on NHS, they’ll need to fund it privately. Not through you and your kids. No way!

Stick to your guns. If she needs a break he can pay for her to go on a spa or something. Definitely not your problem.

Sounds to me he is fed up with her, and trying to palm her off to someone else aka you, and he is trying to make you feel guilty.

Definitely stand your ground and say no, and tell him to never ask you again.

I cannot believe he let her act like that at your mothers funeral, what a fucking cheeky cunt to kick up a fuss about not being in the funeral car and you gave her your space.

"you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me"

I don't see that as a threat so much as him blatantly showing that he just wants to use you as free therapy because it suits him. There is nothing there that shows love or gratitude. You are just "helpful" to him, i.e. useful.

They're a good match.

Suggested message:

"You know she’s done some pretty nasty stuff to me, right? Maybe it would be better if she went to stay with one of her friends. You know, somebody who actually likes her. Or does she not have any? But it's a no from me. Don't ask me again."

No is a complete sentence....

I can't see that it matters. You're not a free residential mental health service.

I'm surprised you have anything to do with either of them after the way they've both treated you!

I would be reminding your DB of what she has done to you, list it like in your OP and I would tell him he's lucky uou have anything to do with him. I would also remind anyone else who told me to 'be kind'.