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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

508 replies

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 06:54

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

  1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).
  1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.
  1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.
  1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.
  1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

OP posts:
MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 03/04/2023 08:24

No way. I'd list everything she's ever done to you with one answer "no."

Maybe if she was kinder to people her mental health wouldn't be failing.

Barbecuebeans · 03/04/2023 08:25

'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'

I hear what you're saying DB and I'm sure it would make your life easier but on this occasion I'm going to have to say no, and you being nice to me about this will be ever so helpful to me. As I'm sure you appreciate, I have been kind on a number of occasions with SiL and unfortunately it hasn't been reciprocated. So the answer has to be no and I won't change my mind. Much love xx

Fraaahnces · 03/04/2023 08:25

Even better @OooWhatAWhopper .
“Dear Bro, it is against our Code of Professional conduct to treat family members. It would be especially inappropriate for her to come and stay at my home given her history with me. If you are concerned about SIL’s MH, then she must see her GP or go to A&E if you believe that the situation is urgent. That way you can be assured that she is receiving unbiased professional help.”
Kind AND truthful.

FineBerol · 03/04/2023 08:26

Definitely not. And if your brother asks why... send him that list you shared here!

Conkersinautumn · 03/04/2023 08:27

I'd send that list to my brother and point out that you are prioritising your own mental health.

8misskitty8 · 03/04/2023 08:27

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 08:02

I'm going to get flamed for drip feeding here, sorry. I should have said in the OP that I'm an AMHP (approved mental health practitioner) qualified social worker. But that doesn't mean I offer in patient care! I live alone with my kids, home is where I unwind.

As she is family you wouldn’t be able to treat/care for her anyway the same as a doctor can’t.
However she is also a cow and has treated you disgracefully.
Say no to your brother and if he pushes it send him the list in your first post. If he pushes back then tell him you also couldn’t due to your profession and her being family.

Barbecuebeans · 03/04/2023 08:28

Fraaahnces · 03/04/2023 08:25

Even better @OooWhatAWhopper .
“Dear Bro, it is against our Code of Professional conduct to treat family members. It would be especially inappropriate for her to come and stay at my home given her history with me. If you are concerned about SIL’s MH, then she must see her GP or go to A&E if you believe that the situation is urgent. That way you can be assured that she is receiving unbiased professional help.”
Kind AND truthful.

Oh and this.

It would be completely unethical to work with family members.

Couldyounot · 03/04/2023 08:29

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 08:02

I'm going to get flamed for drip feeding here, sorry. I should have said in the OP that I'm an AMHP (approved mental health practitioner) qualified social worker. But that doesn't mean I offer in patient care! I live alone with my kids, home is where I unwind.

Yeah, so that makes what she did even worse. Your DB needs to bin her off!

JudgeJ · 03/04/2023 08:30

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 06:59

Absolutely not. You can 'be kind' without having someone live with you. And when has she ever been kind to you?

The words 'be kind' usually mean 'be a doormat', it's another cop-out phrase that's become popular.

Knotaknitter · 03/04/2023 08:30

Don't send the list of unforgivable actions, you don't need to justify or defend your reasoning. There's a chance of drama and a point by point rebuttal and there's no point dragging it out even further. Grey rock all the way. Shut it down now, stick to the "no" you've given and ignore the bit about being ever so helpful to him. He wasn't ever so helpful to you in the funeral car was he? Maybe take a moment to reflect whether your brother uses guilt to manipulate you on a regular basis.

Whatever he/she has going off in their lives isn't your problem. "Escaping the stresses of everyday life" sounds like an advert for a yoga retreat and if that's what she wants she'll not find that at your house. As the previous poster said, there is no discussion to be had. Don't be drawn into justifying, defending or explaining your actions, keep it simple so there's no chance of turning your words round on you. "No, she cannot stay" and repeat as many times as needed.

Hankunamatata · 03/04/2023 08:30

I wouldn't explain. I'd continue grey rock - it's not possible for her to stay with us.
He is her husband why isnt he taking care of her.

BellaJuno · 03/04/2023 08:31

I’d text “Brother, for the sake of our relationship please do not ask me again. I wish her well but due to her past behaviour, I’m not the person to support her in this way”

MzHz · 03/04/2023 08:33

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 07:48

I used to be the scapegoat for years but got wise to it. I'm in my 50s now & won't tolerate it. I am, however, usually really laid back which is why I was able to let a lot of things slide... but this 'be kind' shit has proper wound me up.

I was once told that being in your 50s meant never having to give another shit about anything else if it’s not something you want to give a shit about.

im now mid 50s and it’s true. Stop putting up with crap, tell people to FTFO if that’s what needs to be said

load that shit and lose it! 100%!

text your brother all that crap she (and he as enabler) has subjected you to and tell him that you’re being kind to those who are worth it, yourself first and foremost and she can sort herself.

and tell him not to text you again about this. If he has a problem with your refusal to entertain her abysmal behaviour, to take it all up with her. Or have a hard look at himself for allowing this woman to be such an unmitigated cunt to you.

go nuclear. You deserve it.

Chipperfish · 03/04/2023 08:34

Definately a flat no, but dont list her behaviour or try and explain the past-
that will just feed into the narrative of her drama, and undo all your good distancing/grey rocking behavior that has got her pissed off enough to be trying to get to you.

'That is not happening'
No explainations, no 'its not possible because' no excuses (especially if they involve explaining why you cant or your other priorities in life eg your or teens needs - dont give any extra information)
No alternative suggestions.
If they need help and support - signpost them to mental health services, and that is your last word on the matter. You have no ownership of this problem.

DomPom47 · 03/04/2023 08:35

Do what you have done on this post and list the things she’s done and send to him and say no.

MzHz · 03/04/2023 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

user1492757084 · 03/04/2023 08:36

Be the regular kind and polite person that you are.

You don't have to stoop to her level.

Insist to your brother that you can not have her stay as she has constantly shown that she doesn't like you.

You are prepared to be civil and polite but having her as a house guest is not what your own mental well being can cope with.
Suggest a monthly cup of coffee for an hour with B and SIL at a nice cafe for a few years to build the relationship afresh.

DomPom47 · 03/04/2023 08:36

And ask your brother to read the list to any random person and see their view on it and get him to get himself a dose of reality.

BadNomad · 03/04/2023 08:36

Hell no. Tell him she should go stay with someone who likes her.

CwmYoy · 03/04/2023 08:36

Adding to the No Way posts.

Once he's got her out your brother may refuse to have her back if she plays up.

He really has a monumental cheek.

LavenderfortheBees · 03/04/2023 08:36

You won't be able to trust her not to bully your children in their own home. Their MH is important too.

BusyMum47 · 03/04/2023 08:38

mummyh2016 · 03/04/2023 07:03

No and I'd send that list to your brother.

I agree!! ⬆️ Is he oblivious to what a bitch she's been to you??

She can eff off. Don't feel in the least bit guilty about it.

Izzy24 · 03/04/2023 08:38

Poppinjay · 03/04/2023 08:22

Is her relationship with your brother abusive?

My guess is that this is just another incidence of sabotage you can add to your list. Your SIL has probably decided to create conflict between you and your brother in order to break down your relationship with him. She knows full-well that you have been grey rocking her, will maintain appropriate boundaries and therefore will decline the request.

He won't be able to see this, of course. All he will see is a wife who is struggling and telling him she desperately needs a break and the support his kind, laid back sister can provide. She will be putting huge pressure on him; weeping and wailing about how awful it is that you won't support her in her hour of need.

Stand your ground while also offering advice and signposting to appropriate mental health services and gentle support for him to place some responsibility back on her for her own mental wellbeing. Be kind and supportive to him and avoid criticising her so she doesn't manage to cause a rift between the two of you.

This.

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 03/04/2023 08:40

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 08:02

I'm going to get flamed for drip feeding here, sorry. I should have said in the OP that I'm an AMHP (approved mental health practitioner) qualified social worker. But that doesn't mean I offer in patient care! I live alone with my kids, home is where I unwind.

That’s not a drip feed, it’s utterly irrelevant and your spiteful SIL remains someone else’s responsibility. A firm no!

Good luck to you, if anyone deserves a break it isn’t your SIL!

maddening · 03/04/2023 08:40

Send him a link to Airbnb- he can pay for somewhere in the middle of nowhere for her to get away from the stress of it all.

Yanbu.