Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

I've read 200 of the posts (and I'll go back and read the rest as soon as I've posted this) but I'd imagine that she has said and done some terrible things over the years.
I would pick the top 3 of these, preferably the ones that there is zero ambiguity around that cannot be refuted or dismissed and use those as my examples of what she has said/done over the years.
I would also suggest that you (as calmly as you can muster) suggest that it is HE who should be nice and helpful to you, all being considered because it is HIS wife that has been causing the issues between you. You may want to refer back to a time before she came on the scene to show the difference in the relationship between siblings.
Lastly, I 100% agree with mentioning in the message that it would be against guidelines/be unprofessional to treat a relative with mental health issues but you can suggest that X, Y or Z who are in their own Integrated Care Board area be their first port of call if she is requiring of medical attention.

You're doing brilliantly I might add. Your brother...not so much.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! She sounds like a nightmare @OooWhatAWhopper Sod your fucking brother, if he is so desperate to help the poor iccle wumman, let him take her in!

As
AmandaHoldensLips said at 08:49

Suggested message:

"You know she’s done some pretty nasty stuff to me, right? Maybe it would be better if she went to stay with one of her friends. You know, somebody who actually likes her. Or does she not have any? But it's a no from me. Don't ask me again."

Say this. ^

You said this would cause a load of shit and bad feeling, but so what?!!! As I said, fuck your brother, he is taking the piss. Let HIM put up with her. Don't be a doormat, and DON'T be made to feel guilty. Sounds to me like a long break from your brother - AND your SIL - would be a good thing for you.

SIL/ BIL know full well what she's done sorry meant to say this to @Hudsonriver

Denial. They are in such a deep state of denial that they absolutely DON'T accept or 'know full well what they have done'. If they had ANY level of conscience, they would not have done any of this in the first place.

DB is an enabler, she will have gaslit him and he's had to accept it or the alternative is that he recognises what an awful person he has saddled himself with and to unsaddle himself he has to blow his life up.

This request from DB would make me see him in a different light, and yes the calls to grey rock him are bang on the money. He is now part of the problem.

I have a situation in my family in that I don't see my mother. I've been really honest and open about it with my aunt/uncle over the years and how utterly devastating it was to have suffered at her hands. Every Christmas however my uncle asks if I have spoken to her with the 'oh what a shame' tone in his voice.

I dunno why I'm always surprised he says it. I really MUST be ready next Christmas and remind him why I had to make the decision to cut her out of our lives again.

I don't see what your brother said as a threat but it is most definitely emotional blackmail and you're right not to tolerate it.

I'd just reiterate that it's an incredibly firm no, state 'here are my reasons' and list the bloody awful things she's done, exactly as you did for us above.

She sounds like an utter shit.

He hasnt been helpful to you why should you do anything for him

she clearly does have problems narcissitic ones-shes ran out of people to get attention from so now its back to you

i dont even kniow how you look at your brother after everythign shes done

This is a very good response.

Maybe this is just me (luckily my SIL is a nice person) but I would absolutely balls out tell my brother what I thought in your situation. F*ck his thinly veiled threats.

‘Absolutely not DB, with the best will toward you in the world SIL is awful and frankly I’m not shocked her mental health is failing I fully believe that’s karma coming back at her for not being a very nice, OR KIND, person. Actions speak much louder than words and her actions towards me have been rather s*it !’

That being said I’m older than my DB by 8 years and he’s quite an easy going guy, our general rapport would allow me to be quite direct like that and whilst he no doubt wouldn’t like it immediately he would, if SIL were actually a nightmare, get over it. Yours might not.

Like everyone else here, no way in hell would I let this person stay.

Here’s a different suggestion though: simply don’t reply. By asking you for this service they have given you power, while they wait for your answer. Once you answer (even ‘No’) you hand the power right back to them, to reply back to you with argument or whatnot.

There’s nothing wrong with (and nothing more infuriating for them) than for you just to ignore the request.

You can do that forever: if the matter is raised, just change the subject.

That way she doesn’t come to stay, and you can’t be accused of having said no. Eventually they’ll stop asking. And you still hold the power.

By the way: if you feel you “should” reply (out of some misguided need to be ‘polite’, simply remember that is simply them making you feel you should. And they don’t have the right to oblige you to do anything. Nor do they have that power in your head, if you don’t give it to them.

tl;dr: harness the infinite power of silence.

The greatest kindness you could show her is to set your boundaries firmly. You are absolutely right to say no. You DB is being a dick to even ask after everything she has done. No way.

Just commenting to say how sorry and astonished I was to hear point 3 of the list of things she had done to you. That is unforgivable. Glad to read you are standing your ground. ❤

So tell her and your brother that you're not interested now, or in the future and you'll have nothing to do with either of them, thanks all the same.

What happened with your older sibling? Do they have any contact now?

could you say that you have to deal with people like SIL everyday as part of your working life, therefore you’d be working 24/7, in your profession you need to have a quiet home life to process work and rebalance yourself, with SIL in your home you would be unable to do this. Can you suggest a therapy centre/therapist to help her.

failing that I think NC is the only way forward. I just can’t understand why she wants to stay with you and as others have said I’m sure it’s so she can make your life a misery. Run OP, very fast, 💐

God, you are NOT being unreasonable at all!!!

your home is your sanctuary, and even if you got on with your SIL really well, you don't have to let her stay at your house, and you don't need to give an explanation - so the fact she has been so vile to you, no absolutely not!!!

Start grey rocking your brother too! 'no, that doesn't work for me' nothing more, nothing less.

Number 3 and 4 on your list, holy fucking shit! Why did no one tell her to get the fuck out of the car? I’d have dragged her out. Your brother is a prick. That was your mum, I am so sorry for your loss and that you had to put up with that at a time that must have been so bloody difficult.

She would not get anywhere near my house, let alone be able to stay.

I love how those spouting 'be kind' often don't do anything themselves but are very keen to tell others what they need to do.

Maybe your brother should consider 'being kind' to his wife and pick up all the childcare and household chores while she rests and works on her mental health?? Or is that too much like hard work for him

you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat

He wants to offload his caring responsibilities onto you, as a female in the family, because they are onerous for him. You are well within your rights to say no. Also, being “nice” is sending a card and a bunch of flowers saying you hope she gets well soon, especially to someone who has behaved appallingly
towards you. Taking on full time residential responsibility for this complex person is something altogether different from being “nice”. Don’t stand for it.

“I’m so sorry you’re having such an awful
time [bro] but we’re not in a position to offer this kind of full time, residential respite at the moment, especially given the complexity of my relationship with [sil]. Not going to be possible, I’m afraid.”

Exactly. He wants his sister to do it instead!

It may be a stretch but I’d be careful of them just turning up expecting to stay.

For many reasons I don’t want my bil staying with me, my sister is welcome. She has often arrived with him in tow with ‘no other place to stay’.

Would he dare ask this ‘favour’ of anyone else? Of course YANBU!

Keep up the grey rock!

Dear Brother,
I'd love to do you a favour but for both mine and SIL's MH, I don't think this situation would work. Take care both of you x

I’d write your message for the eyes of the wider family and not for her.

I’d probably go for something along the lines of “sorry to hear that SIL is so unwell. If she is not able to remain in the family home during this period, she needs admission to a mental health facility where she can have round the clock care and therapy. Unfortunately it would not be safe for her to come and stay with me as an alternative”

I think your DB is bloody deluded. He can't cope with her so he's palming her off to you. I have a similar issue with my brother's wife. I've been told to make it up with her. Be nice to her etc. I have to repeatedly tell people that I'm the last person she needs to be around. I obviously for reasons of purely existing, bring out her worst side. I dread the consequences of being in the same room as her. I offend you of o say hello, offend her if I don't. She has mental health issues. All I can do is support my brother in supporting her. Which I do in the background without her knowing. I tell relatives that they need to support her but my role is to help my brother who has suffered emotional abuse from her.

Tell your DB that her and you are not a great combination and that it will just make her worse. Tell him he can come and stay with you and give her some space.

I would be very wary of this as well.
Just say no OP.
Haven't RTFT, so apologies if this has already been said, but remember you don't have to JADE ( justify, argue, defend, explain). They are quite simply not entitled to anything from you. The ones about your Mum and the funeral made my blood boil on your behalf.

.

Oh this is excellent.

Screaming, shouting and exploding is not being authentic it's being reactive to their manipulation.
At worst this could get Op in trouble and conveniently for them " proves" Op is "bad"
Authentic is protective measures, whilst being firm about the behaviour you won't tolerate.
I've been down the whole line with my toxic family and they never stop until you stop them by stepping away.

Never JADE
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

Just step away