Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

Sounds like he is finding it hard to cope with his wife and her problems, and perhaps feels a bit guilty for it, so is trying to get you to do a form of 'respite care' for her. Her difficult behaviour may be due to MH issues, or may be just her being herself, but at any rate, she is not your special responsibility.

No I cannot have SIL to stay. You know as an AMHP, it would be considered most unprofessional for me to have a person with mental health issues stay in my home, don't you?
Don't ask again.

My brother's wife also kicked off at my mother's funeral and made it all about herself. They also (somehow) wangled an apology from my grieving dad.
Years on and my sister and I have not forgotten or forgiven.

OP definitely do not let this woman back into your life, in any capacity.

Explain to your brother that you have a full house and already have enough on your plate with the rigors of being a mental health worker. You wish them all the best but you cannot take on anymore without risking your own MH. I hope you understand, here are the names of some therapists etc.

Not your responsibility, even if you had had the best relationship with no drama previously. She is a sister in law. Not a daughter or sister.

I posted something similar the other day as was MN bashed. My DH used the same lines - it will be good for SIL MH and she needs a break etc. I was painted as the villain.

Stick to your guns. I would not have that woman in my house. If he insists, book yourself into a spa and let him deal with her.

I like that. A lot. I could really make that approach work. Thank you!

"I don't want to give her the opportunity to play victim & portray me as the villain." to whom would she portray you as a villain to and why would you care what they thought about you?

Your brother has brought this behaviour on himself. His circus, his monkey. You are not to fix it for him. Let her stay with a friend and feel free to point out her behaviour, why wouldn't you? What are you afraid of? She has already committed the worst offence in my opinion re your Mum. For that alone, I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire.

That is what I compare things to now, when someone doesn't like me or bad mouths me, I think well I held my Mum's hand as she died, how bad is this situation compared to that? Nothing like it in terms of depth of feeling so I just don't care. It isn't my job to make people like me, to value me, I am who I am and if someone doesn't like me, so what? I can surround myself with people who do like me.

You might want to ask your DB why when he's her husband, he's not supporting his wife? Ask why he wants her out of the house, surely they have each others interests first, and it isn't for you to take responsibility. Don't let him put this onto you, turn it around and ask as a husband to his wife, what he's prepared to do. Or just tell him to swivel.

Thank you so much everyone. I've copied & pasted a lot of the fantastic advice & wording into a notepad doc & will be using it.

I'm also really grateful for the moral support & understanding & love offered about mum's death. What an amazing bunch you all are.

No don’t even get involved into a discussion of her behaviour past or present. That will simply lead to arguments.

Just say that you cannot accommodate her due to workload and family commitments and just repeat it.

Second copying the list and spelling out what she has done.
Sounds like your brother wants to offload her tbh.

I think your grey rock approach has worked for you so far, I wouldn't be offering up any information that thru can argue with now.

You're very welcome, @OooWhatAWhopper; I use it in circumstances like this myself, and also find it handy for when it's the questioner's own behaviour at issue ... "Why would you choose to behave like this?", etc.

Just keep repeating.
I can't help.
I know you are trying to help SIL but I know my house is not the correct answer.
I hope you find away to deal with this.
I am doing you a kindness by saying no as SIL actually need to be were she feels safe and she has shown she has a problem being with me.

Doesn’t she have her own family and friends? She sounds awful. Why would you want to be working in the MH sector all day then come home, to your refuge, to deal with it all evening and weekends?

My advice is to say ‘ I hope SIL will feel better soon but I’ve already told you that she can’t stay here. I’m not prepared to discuss this any further’

It isn’t a good idea to list her past actions or give any reasons, just stick to saying a very clear no.

Just say no, don't apologise.

Is this your DB's wife? He's struggling with her so trying to palm her off on you?

Admittedly completely projecting here, but i'm willing to bet that all of us in a similar situation will have tried the pragmatic, oh I'm so busy, I can't accommodate due to x, y or z.."

This approach of course is so polite, dignified, and completely unrelated to the actual root cause which is behaviour so fucking heinous AND WORSE enabled by others who are supposed to look out for us on some level.

We end up being reasonable, rising above, turning the other cheek and being a better person.

What does it actually achieve? the square root of nothing. the person with the appalling behaviour is NEVER even encouraged to face any kind of consequence of their actions.

SO I say now, CAUSE the arguments. Go Nuclear, Raise your voice and tell them to FTFO with their 'Be Nice' bullshit. Give them a taste of their own medicine.

There are far too many people who should treat us better, albeit merely civilly but won't and us turning the other cheek just gives them another cheek to slap.

@OooWhatAWhopper your brother has let you down time and time again by enabling her behaviour, and now he's being used as a narcissistic tool by her to pull you back in again so she can hurt you some more. Fuck that Noise.

I am speaking as one who very nearly died due to MH issues, I have a huge amount of sympathy for those who struggle. I however despite being as ill as I was never used it as a weapon of torture or cruelty to others. Her MH is not a licence to abuse others.

YANBU.

Given your feelings towards your SIL

surely you’d be one of the last people that could assist with your SIL’s mental health

very baffling he even thought of you!

No is a complete sentence.

Is the brother asking your to look after your SiL her husband? If so why can’t he look after her?

Failing that they can make arrangements at a private care facility. This woman has intentionally caused you a lot of upset distress and turmoil to the point you have grey rocked her and now the expectation is that you just let this poisonous person into your home with your family and kids?

NOPE

If you want a gentle get out then you can always says things are really difficult right now and you are not in the position to care for anyone else.

The issue with going nuclear is that it's a trap.
Op has done the correct thing and grey rocked the SIL.
Although technically grey rock is usually a short term measure before going LC/NC.
Do you think going nuclear will get them to " see" the error of their ways?
No
SIL is manipulative and knows and chooses to behave the way she does.Op has grey rocked so now BIL ( flying monkey)is hoovering on her behalf to draw the OP back into the game where SIL can behave badly to her.
Short sharp no is all that's needed.
No drama etc
SIL/ BIL know full well what she's done.
All that will happen if you explode, list the faults is "Op is an awful person , poooor SIl the victim"

No one is saying be nice, just say no and walk away.
Maintain your firm boundary

" Don't mud wrestle with pigs, the pigs like it "

You're a saint OP, I'd have probably exploded!

'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me

Tell db

IUts not a case of being nice about this and helping you, we genuinely don't get along and if someone is having mental health problems the last place that will be good for them is to be stuck with someone they don't get along with. You'd be better finding someone that does get along with her (by the sounds of it that'll be like finding rocking horse shit) so she can recoup - or send her to an airbnb near the coast for a few days

Came her to say exactly this. He is the bigger problem here.

maybe@Hudsonriver but being authentic to yourself feels better - especially knowing you get painted as the bad person whatever you do, so no change there.

The thing with abusive and toxic/narcissistic people is that they will keep pushing your buttons and won't stop. maybe it is to satisfy their need to be a victim and make you the villain, but they pick on people they think are weak and will not resist or stand up to them. They see you as a 'mark' somehow.

I found when I had finished therapy from my ex and family and their toxicity, that I had almost like a zero tolerance of narc force field around me and literally nobody tries anything on with me at all nowadays.

So zero tolerance for BS does work. and yes, even biting back DOES have it's uses.