Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

Tell him it would be ruinous to your mental health.
and that you know he will understand that has to come first.
(which he won’t, but it might make him think a bit more)

or be blatantly obvious - “nobody in this house can stand her, so it won’t be a positive atmosphere for her”

@FormerlyPathologicallyHappy

that could never happen

I think he's asking OP because the SIL has told him to - the OP is the person she wants to stay with because there is no other way that she can get close to her to make her life hell.

I've been thinking further and I wouldn't use your own personal situation to back up your decision to say no - it'll only give them fuel (emotion vulnerability). Professional all the way (COI).

Send him this list.

Expand if necessary

Never in a million years, she’s a nasty piece of work and has caused you pain, stick to your guns

OMG your brother has got some cheek! I would be another saying “I’ve already said no and I won’t be changing my mind. If things are so bad SIL needs professional help” I’m a doctor and the GMC is very clear that we should only treat friends and family in an emergency and there is no alternative. Does your professional body say anything similar??

No lists.

No explanations.

No excuses.

Just NO.

No room for argument or manoeuvre.

If there's a family fallout who would be involved? Would they be a loss? Would they believe her and your brother over you? You've lost your mum, what about your dad?

Oh god, surely she’s not that batshit?! Although having read the OP, I wouldn’t be amazed. I say the OP needs to protect herself by insisting on a no. If my db asked me in similar circumstances, I’d be very forthright in my answer!

Narcissists HATE boundaries and will go to any lengths to trample them. So the OP putting in boundaries and distancing herself will be driving the SIL mad.

SIL will be looking for a way to interlope into the OP's life/home in order to cause trouble again and upset the applecart. It's a trojan horse.

This is how toxic people operate.

Not laughing.... honest 🙊🤣

'The answer's still no'. Repeat ad nauseam.

Nail squarely on the head.

The rest of the family excuse & enable her. Until the time she upset oldest sibling, & then all hell broke loose. I'm the last remaining 'grey rocker' & I know it'll be causing narc rage.

“You are having a laugh, right? You know that things have been said and done that are rather unforgivable. For the sake of my mental health, it’s a definite no. Please don’t ask me again. I don’t know why on earth you thought it appropriate in the first place.”

Dad has since died too. We're all in our 50s (me early, them late). Though you'd be forgiven for thinking we're all 10 years old by the dramas (the reason why the grey rock period has been so good. I really don't want to break it & allow all of that back into my life).

She is either looking to insert herself into your life or she knows fine well that you will say no and she’s trying to make you look like the bad guy. Just say you have a lot on your plate currently and are unable to do it. Do not give specifics for them to argue against.

What do you get from any type of relationship with them? Sounds like not a lot and if both your parents are no longer with you it’s not even to make their lives easier

In that case who cares if they kick off. Just tell them no and continue ignoring them

I have a toxic narc in my family and cut her out of my life years ago. She's still obsessed with causing trouble and creating drama. People like that never change.

I think I know your SIL @OooWhatAWhopper. Pls tell me you don’t have a bunny.

Or.

”I’m not surprised sil speaks kindly of me. I have been kind to her. Most people would have lost their shit at the things she’s said and done. I haven’t out of kindness, but even I have my limits. There is no way I’d even consider letting her move in. It wouldn’t be good for either of our mental health’s. Please don’t ask again. There is no way I’ll change my mind.”

Why is it so important to you to stay onside with your brother?

@AmandaHoldensLips and others have nailed it.

Narc clusterfxxk whom can't bear being ignored absolutely desperate to cause futher chaos to you.

You really need to protect yourself from ANY involvement with them both.

I'd respond with "I've given it a lot of thought and having her here won't work for me, Im sure you understand. I do hope she gets the help she needs though and can provide you with a list of resources if you need them."

That's my "you know what she did" response as well as a "she needs f*ing help" response.

I don't want to give her the opportunity to play victim & portray me as the villain

I wouldn't worry too much about that TBH; enabled by the rest she'll probably do it no matter how you handle this, so I'd put it right back where it belongs - as their problem

A useful technique can be to ask them to explain why this is a good idea, rather than you having to justify why it isn't, as in "Why would you expect me to agree to this after the way she's behaved?"

Correct. At my dad's funeral in January, my SiL tried to insist that my partner should sit with me on the 'family row', on which there wasn't enough room for all 3 siblings plus partners and children, and she (SiL) go on the row behind. THAT's "being kind".

We thanked her profusely but my partner went on the second row.