Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

If she stayed and you offered anything that could be interpreted as medical advice could she sue you for malpractice?

"Ha ha, it was April fools' on Saturday, bro - you must have got the dates mixed up".

I agree - tell him the list, say no, say you will no longer be discussing this.

He just wants her off his hands for a bit. And you are convenient. Well, she is his wife, his responsibility and they can crack on with it.

How do they think the rest of the world copes?

So the question here is how to say no. I would suggest "Having her here would mean I was working at work and at home which wouldn't be good for my mental health. I can recommend a therapist if you need one though.
I know this isn't the answer you wanted but my answer is no and you being nice about this and not bringing it up again will be ever so helpful to me."

I might have lost something here and I see you are in the MH "industry" as it were, and you've obviously got the skills and expertise - but why on earth does your bro think you are responsible for fixing SILs MH?

I would say conflict of interest means this is simply not an option: a surgeon wouldn't be able to perform an operation on a close family member (without certain criteria being met and a lot of paperwork being signed regarding issues presenting during and after surgery etc), I suggest the same applies in this case. If she needs help, she can call Crisis / equivalent.

for you. She sounds horrific.

My moral and ethical guidelines I follow means I can't treat or advice close family or friends 🤫. Your SIL can fuck off to fuck 😁

'Staying with me would not be an escape for her - she has issues with me as shown when she did x, y & z; and as a result I don't feel positively towards her. I feel putting us in close proximity would add to her stresses instead of relieving them, it would create tension and anger in my household and be disastrous for the entire family. So I am doing you all a favour by saying a final No and suggesting you book her into a retreat for a week. Please don't raise this issue again.'

What is the source of her stress? Is it your DB?

There is absolutely no way I would have let her take my space in the car at my mum’s funeral. I can’t believe anyone thought it was ok for you to drive yourself. So for that I would be saying absolutely no way

If you don’t want the argument of telling them to fuck off (which is exactly what I would be doing) then use the professional/morality reason of you not being able to get involved with MH issues of family

Why is he asking you? Because of your job? Is he having a laugh? Just keep telling him no, she is his responsibility, not yours, you have enough on your plate with work and the dc.

Or this

She put your boyfriend on a dating site?! 😂

She is absolutely bonkers! Cannot believe your DB would even ask. From reading your list, I wouldn’t even be engaging with DB at all, sounds like he has enabled this behaviour.

@OooWhatAWhopper

You need to tell your brother to stop trying to force a relationship where there is none.

He stood back whilst she was carrying out her campaign against you, so he should not be surprised you have said no.

Who are you worried about her portraying you as a villain to?

Might be worth having a think about that. Surely your wider family have seen your behaviour over the years and know you well enough to know you're not a bad person.

If you really think this would turn them against you then I'd think about how authentic those relationships are.

If you don't stand firm this will keep happening.

It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

No veiled threat about it, not if you don't give a shit about your brother's opinion.

yup DBRo I'm the bad one. And? Your point is?

Sounds like he wants to offload her - I would ask him if he wants her to move out because they are separating.

Or, given how nasty she has been - part of me would be tempted to message her, telling her you are sorry they are separating, and although dear brother is trying to organise her accommodation with you, now isn't a good time for you, but you'd be happy to help her find suitable accommodation.

Perhaps also ask her if your brother has given her a deadline for moving out.

I'd then sit back and watch the fireworks.

I suggest that when teling your DB you do not make it about your SIL but rather all the reasons why it does not fit with your life/lifestyle. eg I cannot have SIL to stay because I have no room for her, my work/shift patterns make it totally impractical, I regularly practise my loud instrument, I am planning to have decorators in/kitchen refurb etc etc.
TBH it is a ridiculous request anyway.

Honestly I would not engage in any detailed response as you will gain nothing from this. Just keep it simple, "I can't help" or "Doesn't work for me", rinse and repeat.

Given how appalling her behaviour has been, especially around your dying mother, this may well be a deliberate attempt to sabotage your career.

Tempting as it is to list all the instances of SIL’s despicable behaviour, there’s no point- everybody’s already ignored/ made excuses for it, and it’d just fuel further drama.

I would just say that professional guidance forbids you from becoming involved in any kind of therapeutic care for a relative, and leave it at that.

Sounds to me like your DB just wants a break from his wife and is trying to palm her of on you for a time.

In my experience people don't want to understand if others have treated them badly, especially if they want you to do something with/for them, as in the case of your brother.

I'd be showing him a list of all the things she's done to you and explaining the damage those things caused to you, then asking him how he can possibly expect you to put her up after her behaviour. But please please stick to your guns, even your relationship with your brother is not worth putting her up in your house.

Absolutely not. She’s your brother’s responsibility, not yours. Whatever happened to ‘in sickness and in health’?

@OooWhatAWhopper congratulations on successfully dealing your troublesome SIL over the past few years. This new revelation is a sure sign that you've got to her and she wants access!

One thing I do think you need to appreciate though is your brothers part in all this. I would NEVER allow my partner to treat any of my siblings like this. He clearly has. We are not talking trivial matters here.

In your circumstances I'd be dropping him too. You don't need people who clearly think so little of you in your life.

If you don’t want her to portray you as a villain, another way you could go at it is: “As a mental health specialist, I know that staying at her sister in law’s house is no good for her MH, what she needs is… “(something else, whether it is stay at home and face it, or stay with true friends that can give her the support she needs).
It will likely fail but you can insist that it is not such a great idea because of your family bond, that she needs trained professionals, or people that don’t know her, whatever.

Have re-read your first post. I think you should cut out your brother too. He gives no shits about you does he.

I would definitely be saying no OP. My first thought was, due to your job, is there anyway she could stay with you and then report you for practicing what you do on the side etc? She sounds unhinged and like she has a personal issue with you so I wouldn’t put it past her (if this is a possibility with your role etc) as much as I am in full support of being petty and causing chaos (I would send the list) if you want to avoid conflict something along the lines of:

I have thought long and hard about your request and it’s really not something I can do at the moment. Let me know if you need help looking for other options.

Keep it vague, and if he responds just keep sending the exact same message until he gets the picture (got to keep it a little petty) 😂