Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

Your SIL sounds toxic and unhinged.

Your brother has enabled her disgusting behaviour towards you.

Keep your grey rock stance op.

Sorry about your mum 💐

Yes this. Don't send nasty messages as suggested by others because it absolutely would be used against you.

Be clear, it wouldn't work, it's a conflict of interest and wouldn't be a good idea for your SIL.

Keep it neutral and clear and don't say anything she could screenshot and try to cause shit over with your regulatory body.

Totally agree with this…. Don’t give her any ammunition.

Reply to your brother that your home is your sanctuary and not an extension of work… and it will not be possible to have SIL to stay. No mention of her past behaviour as she will love that it’s still affecting you.

If he keeps on about being kind, you reply that you are being kind to yourself and your kids. And then ignore any further messages.

You are not a bad person. Your responsibility is to your own well-being and that of your children. Teaching them that people aren’t always kind to us, but we don’t have to put up with bad behaviour is a very good life lesson.

You have been very kind to her in the past, and your brother has allowed her to be nasty spoilt and entitled. No way should he expect you to put her up.

Yes this. Then ignore.

This. Simple, polite and repeat ad nauseam.

Absolutely no she shouldn't come and stay with you.

If she is having a mental health decline then staying with you as clearly you two arent close is not going to help her.

I am surprised that you are a mental health practitioner and said you think her mental health decline is Karma for her!!

• How do you know she reported you to The Police during lockdown? What did she report you for specifically 3 times?
• Why was she in charge of your time with your dying Mother? Did she hold POA or anything like that? Did she also do this to your other siblings? Why did you or anyone allow this to happen?
• Why did you let her have your place. Funeral cars take 6 people - so i am assuming you have 4 siblings. Why were you the one that gave up your place for her and why did your Dad and your other siblings allow that to happen?

“That doesn’t work for me, it blurs the lines too much between work and home on my part, and I’m sure you’re kind enough yourself not to put that on me aren’t you brother dearest?

SIL would find her own home and sanctuary more soothing especially with someone as so fucking kind as youuuu DB”

innoncent blink is optional of course

Stick to your guns, OP. It's amazing how many families enable narcissists to run riot. Remember, you're the sane and healthy one, no matter what anyone else says.

Love that but it'd cause an unbelievable amount of trouble & she'd thrive on that. I don't want to give her the opportunity to play victim & portray me as the villain. I genuinely believe that this whole MH episode is a ruse to illicit sympathy & second chances..... but there's a limit to what can be forgiven & forgotten

Damn. So there goes my suggested reply of "No, because 'being a massive cunt' isn't in the DSM/WHO guidelines for a mental health condition".

YANBU. No. No. No. No. Never.

Repeat. Not your problem. She sounds awful.

'being a massive cunt' isn't in the DSM/WHO guidelines for a mental health condition"

Are you sure?

I've worked in the NHS, and I'm sure it's a frequently used medical term . . .

I wouldn’t have my sil to stay with me and I like her.

Glad you are going to say no, for your own sanity. I can’t believe your DB wants to palm his sick wife off onto you, just because of your job. What’s he doing to support her?

A simple ‘unfortunately the children and I are unable to accommodate sil, but I hope she feels better soon’ is enough.

Refuse to further engage on the topic following that.

I can't understand why he would imagine staying with you would be beneficial to her, given your past relationship, let alone acceptable to you.

This is his problem, he manages it. I bet a lot of money he's a younger brother not an older one - he's giving you the broken vase and hoping you'll sort it all out for him.

I'd be very calm but clear with your brother, along the lines of: "I'm sorry you're struggling, but to be frank, you picked her. You picked her over your family. And then you stood back and watched her treat me like shit, let her stomp all over everyone's boundaries, let her try to push me out of my own time and relationships with our parents. And now you want me to step up and help you with her? Sorry, but no. MY mental health would be at serious risk to let her back into my life, and that is not going to happen. You picked her, you supported her when she was behaving badly to me, so you deal with her."

No way, she seems like a horrible person. If it was my sister in law I might have sent her flowers, as a pick me up but then I read she reported you to police 3x and put your partner in a dating site. It's not something I'd forgive to be honest, I'd have washed my hand of her a while ago.

Respond to your brother "First and foremost I need to 'be kind' to myself and that means not having your wife stay with me."

I think its time to be clear and as brutal as necessary to your brother.
Id say something along the lines of ' Bro, I am actually incredulous that you have asked me this. In fact its testament to my love for you as my brother that I am just ignoring your wife rather than having her thrown out of a fucking window after everything shes done to me. Do you want a list? Have you forgotten? Do I mean that little to you?
Quite frankly bro, I wouldnt piss on her if she was on fire, let alone have her to stay in my home. Its not happening. I dont appreciate the guilt trip thankyou very much. If she needs a break, I suggest she moves to the other side of the world and preferably stay there. Dont ask me again. Shes no friend of mine and I have no idea why youre even still with her after everything shes done to me. Loyalty to family goes both ways.

I think that this is a situation that calls for the typical Mumsnet solution of a spa weekend for her - not you and there is no way I would have them in my home. Send them a link to Champneys

fuck that.
if she needs a break he can take her on holiday himself

keeep it short and simple
‘I won’t be able to help. Hope you two get a holiday and some help sorted soon!’

or grey rock him too if that feels doable!

@Bellaboo01

stop trying to blame op

Some of the things she’s done are so horrendous that I’m speechless.

Did no one stand up for you on the funeral car thing? Absolutely awful!

And refusing to leave you to be with your mum while she was dying.

There must be some clever folk on here that can think of ways to get some revenge on her.

But the better thing to do would be to completely distance yourself and have no involvement with her.

Ask your brother if he’s joking re having her to stay. “Haha, good one bro, I needed a laugh! Obviously she wouldn’t be welcome in my house after all the things she’s done!”

If anything that is LESS reason to have her stay. You can’t treat family.
Send the list to your brother and say no, it is not in SILs best interest to stay with you because of her previous behaviour towards you. In light of her behaviour she needs professional help.

Don't explain - it will just open up lots of discussions and 'explanations' for her behaviour and why you are wrong. Both of them are problems - your B for enabling and being with such a toxic person, and your SIL for being the toxic person. Simple No. No explanations, no apologises. Frankly I'd go NC with them both or very very low contact.

Write that list down on paper and calmly hand it to your brother. You also say that's the tip of the iceberg, write it all down.
Also add hoe actions speak louder than words in response to her meaning you no malice. Even just one of those things would be enough.
Your brother is crazy to even ask you?!!!

From her past behaviour she is clearly untrustworthy. Don't give her further access to your life/home than necessary. If they really need help and you can offer childcare for a day, then that is more than generous. I think your brother is being unreasonable asking this of you. Why can't she stay with her own family members/friends?