DH and his GF diet

[Surfingthewaves]

Hi I’m after some advice as I’m getting a bit stressed!

background… married for 25 years, two teenagers. I work FT, DH has a number of debilitating health issues including fibromyalgia, coeliac disease, anaemia (being investigated) amongst other things. He’s not well enough to go to work but has his own business WFH (long before the pandemic) and this way he can obviously choose his working hours and rest (nap) when he needs to, he also has crippling insomnia.

I do (and always have done) food shopping, planning and preparation- not because he’s lazy, he does his fair share but struggles in this area and generally I don’t mind so it works for us.

However, about 6 weeks ago he was diagnosed with Coeliac disease so is now gluten free. No problem, I’ve researched it, there’s a lot of GF alternatives and overall it wasn’t an issue. However he now naps about 4 - 8pm most days and is not hungry till about 9. The rest of us eat earlier about 7 as 9 is too late for us to eat.

sometimes I just plate up his dinner and he reheats it when he’s hungry (meals like spaghetti Bol, Kung po chicken, omelettes etc) but now he’s saying he doesn’t fancy a full meal and also wants to lose weight so he wants a snack.

He has sandwiches for lunch so doesn’t want that, he wants me to make him things like poached eggs & bacon or beans on toast.

I’m just knackered by 9 and don’t want to- I’ve said can’t you do that yourself but then he looks so sorry for himself and I can see he’s in pain so I end up doing it.

Although he’s always telling me how much he appreciates and loves me I feel like a housekeeper.

I can’t find a compromise or solution 😬

he can’t make decisions on what he wants to eat as well as preparing it himself

Make him a meal plan, print it out, display it somewhere obvious extra large font. At OP's regular meal prep time, get the ingredients out (+plate & cutlery + pan if frying + oil, put somewhere safe from pets in my house) so he doesn't even have to think where to find them. There is no way that heating a portion of soup from frozen is less effort than beans on toast, though; frozen soup isn't a solution. At least if OP gets the ingredients out she can do portion control, try to limit the waste.

I am flipping lazy around the house & wondering if this gentleman beats me on aspects like doing any other housework.

I don't blame OP for wanting to shut up her catering service by 9pm. She seems overly involved with all her partner's food decisions, though, which is why her 9pm curfew struck me as odd.

What happens if OP is suddenly too unwell to cook? This is like living with a teen with SN. If at all possible, you need to support them to find life skills to meet their own needs and have some native resilience, not keep shrugging at the situation.

Boiled eggs rather than poached you can stick them in a pan when doing dinner.
Soups if he wants a low cal snack - he can microwave it and have a cracker or roll with it.

Separately - is this situation sustainable for you long term. It sounds like you are doing a lot of heavy lifting?

Gosh, I never realised being coeliac meant you lost the use of your hands. Tell him to make his own bloody sandwiches.

@Surfingthewaves I am a coeliac and was very, very ill by the time I was diagnosed at 28. I took supplements but didn’t absorb the iron, so ended up needing iron infusions (vi IV drip) instead. In fact, here in Aus, that’s generally the first treatment now until patients get better, as the damage to the lining of the intestine needs to heal before nutrients can be properly absorbed. His exhaustion is genuine. I know whenever I have inadvertently been “glutened”, aside from the antisocial toilet side effects, the exhaustion knocks me for a six for quite some time. I look pale and blah for a couple of weeks. I would recommend freezing his meals so you’re not stressed. He can microwave them if he wants, or he can just have poached eggs. Coeliacs tend to crave high-protein meals once they are getting on top of the change in diet (possibly because gluten-free alternatives are generally disappointing texturally), so maybe your DH has accidentally found himself doing a keto kind of diet. (And tbh that’s what I did, and I lost weight and it made me feel better.) Maybe you could talk through the things he enjoys now - like the poached eggs, frittatas are good (you can add cheese and cooked veg), etc. Pinterest is a great place to look for ideas. It’s also not unusual for coeliacs to find dairy hard to digest too. (I can eat hard cheese and goat cheese, but that’s about it…) but it’s not universal.

I can't help on the diet side but for the insomnia is he under a sleep clinic?

My best mate has various underlying health conditions & suffers with insomnia but seems to have it under control now since following a strict 'little but often' napping pattern. So working 8am to 4pm is clearly too much for your DH and he needs to work in a proper rest around 12/1pm. He can still have a nap at 4pm but restrict this one to an hour max and then over time he may be able to bring bedtime earlier. My friend finds listening to podcasts a godsend as it not only blocks outside noise but also takes away the pressure of sleeping but is still giving her body a break.

This is so weird. Honestly OP I would get a private consultation as to why he can't make a sandwich and go in there with him. Unless I had genuine medical advice that he was incapable of making his own lunch I could not believe your dh is genuinely unable to. You sound a nice wife but maybe dh is taking advantage of you because he can.

I think there is a combination of 2 problems here:

• 1. FM/Coeliac/anaemia
• 2. Can’t cook won’t cook attitude: OP says he “struggles in this area”. To misquote Paris Paloma: “Weaponised false incompetence is dominance under a guise”.

He is the Coeliac in the house so he is the one who needs to engage with new preferred foods, new recipes, new staples.

Given his energy pattern it would make more sense for him to have his main meal at lunchtime and sandwiches at 9pm.

It’s entirely up to him which way round he eats - but he needs to take responsibility for his health and his diet either way.

Hi about a graze type box or a bento ? Type thingy with fruit veg
Dips etc
So sits in the fridge pre prepared

This all sounds so unhealthy 😔 of course he has insomnia if he’s napping 4-8.

But if he really does need a nap (which sounds very weird) then he needs to set an alarm and get up from his nap by 7pm so you can eat together.

Also - will he eat baked potatoes OP? The trick to a Gf diet is not to get caught up in pasta/bread substitutes but instead eat rice, veg and potatoes. A baked potato could keep warm in the oven on a low heat for hours and hours, then he can pht cheese and salad witb it and that’s a meal. If he is genuinely incapable of feeding himself then I suggest baked potatoes every night.

My worry for you is that his needs are dominating the house. You have needs too. That he does not find it strange asking you to cook at 9pm is not good.

Sounds like it's a hard time for you both. Glad he recognised that he's being unreasonable due to having a bad couple of days. Sounds like you have the gf side of things under control. Both possibly a little burnt out from everything that's come at him with health and you with managing everything around that. It isn't easy but he will start to manage better (hopefully) as he eats gf longer.

Does he have an option to work less so that he doesn't need such a big nap? I found fibromyalgia while working full time was unbearable and manage much better now that I work part time although I appreciate its not feasible for everyone.

Sleeping for four hours, especially from 4-8pm is not a 'nap'. That is the lions share of a nights sleep for most people.

No wonder he can't sleep at night!

What does his doctor say about him napping for four hours into the early evening?

I suggest he limits his napping to 2 hours or less, get himself up for dinner and eat a half serve of what everyone else is having.

Just because he has a medical condition doesn't mean you have to cater to his every whim. He's still one member of a family unit and the plan has to work for everyone.

I have long covid for 6 months combined with a newly acquired gluten ataxia (basically gluten intolerance that attacks your nervous system rather than digestive) combined with being pre diabetic (that's new too)

I have still worked, done housework and cooked most meals. Long amounts of napping in the day causes more issues I find than an hours doze . An hours doze followed by an hours rest on the bed and some very light stretching and breathing excercise would I feel be more helpful and a smaller portion of a GF meal at 7pm . My H eats gluten free too for main meals as it saves cooking twice , I do a mix of totally non gluten like salmon or chicken stir fry son whole grain rice or chilli etc and a couple of times a week use substitutes like GF spaghetti (M&S which is good) or whole grain GF noodles (which I buy off Amazon) my H thinks we have actually eaten better - he is in a viscious circle , poor eating makes you feel weak and too much daytime napping causes insomnia

Love the competitive exhaustion 😂
how are things op? My husband recently went GF and is missing his Wotsits terribly, I bought him a sharing bag of Tyrell’s which he loves but sadly it’s not the same as a cheesy fix!

He also regularly naps due to mental fog, but he is middle aged so I don’t mind.

You shouldn’t be cooking separate meals at 9 though!

Btw, I came back to say that you absolutely should NOT be cooking him dinner at stupid o’clock after he’s napped even if he IS ill. He can poach his own damn eggs. How hard is it?

Anaemic,celiac,diabetic,fibro,hypothyroid,etc here- i fry a steak,eat nuts,berries, drink kefir,etc, no large neals and gluten free bread that i assume he has is full or rubbish tbh, they are very high in carbs due to rice and potato flour- i fast from 4/5pm to 6/8 the next day.

his eating and sleeping schedule is messed up,when does he take his iron tablets ideally they need to be taken 2-4 hours before/after eating.

no you are not unresonable your husband needs to sort his own meals out

Swap his lunch for the meal, so if you make spag bol tonight, his portion is for lunch tomorrow and he can make a sandwich for his snack.

Don't mistake his preferences for needs.