DH and his GF diet

[Surfingthewaves]

Hi I’m after some advice as I’m getting a bit stressed!

background… married for 25 years, two teenagers. I work FT, DH has a number of debilitating health issues including fibromyalgia, coeliac disease, anaemia (being investigated) amongst other things. He’s not well enough to go to work but has his own business WFH (long before the pandemic) and this way he can obviously choose his working hours and rest (nap) when he needs to, he also has crippling insomnia.

I do (and always have done) food shopping, planning and preparation- not because he’s lazy, he does his fair share but struggles in this area and generally I don’t mind so it works for us.

However, about 6 weeks ago he was diagnosed with Coeliac disease so is now gluten free. No problem, I’ve researched it, there’s a lot of GF alternatives and overall it wasn’t an issue. However he now naps about 4 - 8pm most days and is not hungry till about 9. The rest of us eat earlier about 7 as 9 is too late for us to eat.

sometimes I just plate up his dinner and he reheats it when he’s hungry (meals like spaghetti Bol, Kung po chicken, omelettes etc) but now he’s saying he doesn’t fancy a full meal and also wants to lose weight so he wants a snack.

He has sandwiches for lunch so doesn’t want that, he wants me to make him things like poached eggs & bacon or beans on toast.

I’m just knackered by 9 and don’t want to- I’ve said can’t you do that yourself but then he looks so sorry for himself and I can see he’s in pain so I end up doing it.

Although he’s always telling me how much he appreciates and loves me I feel like a housekeeper.

I can’t find a compromise or solution 😬

I don't understand...why doesn't he make his own sandwiches?

Why can't he make his own beans on toast?

I'm struggling to understand working a FT job, fresh from a 4 hour nap, but can't find energy for the 5 minutes effort it would take to make a half portion of beans on half a piece of toast or 1 poached egg (or is it 1 poached egg + 1 slice bacon?).

Ditto that OP can't find 5 minutes energy to do those things at 9pm. It's the same amount of human energy as heating a can of soup or thawing a soup portion out or preparing one of the other 'snacks' (boil the kettle, open the pot noodles, pour into pot noodles, etc).

I'm half expecting OP to say he's too tired to lift cutlery & needs hand feeding, too.

4 hour naps in the day will not help his insomnia, as eating late will not help his weight loss

Sending you loads of sympathy. Gluten free is a massive change for more than just the person affected by Coeliac's. Hopefully he will start to feel better once he gets established on the new diet and might make him not need so much sleep?

The only solutions I can see are for him to make his own dinner or for him to move his nap time. I didn't think I'd be recommending someone sleep train a husband but there isn't much else you could try?

Some of those on this thread really don't seem to understand what chronic health conditions can do to you. A few years ago DH was sufficiently unwell that walking more than 20m (metres, not miles) was beyond him on some days. He'd need to sit down after coming downstairs. He'd have struggled to stand for long enough to cook scrambled eggs. He was, however, still able to work, as his job is entirely desk based, and can be done from home - as he's the breadwinner, I was very grateful. I did virtually all the housework at that point, definitely all the cooking (though we didn't eat at 9pm). Thankfully DH is doing better now, but OP has my sympathy.

By 9 I think it’s time for her to knock off. It’s not just the effort of making it (and why should she, she’s not the one who’s just had a 4 hour rest, and she’s already made a mea) it’s the responsibility of having to ensure all the ingredients are in stock thinking about what’s to be made, knowing it’s got to be done so she can’t just run a bath or relax in front of the TV.

I love it when the first reply nails it

Having been seriously ill recently, I can actually understand him being too tired to poach an egg.

However, there's a clear compromise here: the OP makes a half portion of dinner for him and puts it to the side in Tupperware to be heated up later. By making something that he can eat and understanding he isn't up to eating at the same time as the rest of the family, she's already doing enough as a partner. She doesn't have to cook custom meals on demand.

It might not be exactly what he wants to eat at 9pm, but the OP is also allowed to be tired at some point in the evening and to not have anything left in the tank.

I've been laid up with really bad anaemia before where i fainted all the time and could hardly function.

I wonder if my husband had posted here saying I was needing to lie down 4 hours a day and he was having to make decisions on my meals for me as well as prepare them if I would be called a lazy twat? Because that's exactly what happened to us! I'm not lazy, I was ill and thank god my husband looked after me until I was better. Isn't taking care of each other when you're sick part of a marriage?

His anaemia will very likely improve when he settles into GF life. I am not celiac but it's something my doctors tested meany times for as apparently it can be a common cause of bad anaemias.

I think if he wants different to the main meal he needs to make it himself. If he has just napped for four hours especially, he should have the energy to make toast! (And I say this as someone with fibro)

I wonder if my husband had posted here saying I was needing to lie down 4 hours a day and he was having to make decisions on my meals for me as well as prepare them if I would be called a lazy twat? Because that's exactly what happened to us! I'm not lazy, I was ill and thank god my husband looked after me until I was better. Isn't taking care of each other when you're sick part of a marriage?

And would you accept the food your husband cooked for you, or would you be complaining that the menu wasn’t to your satisfaction?

Do I have to answer that 😜

In my defence we do both really indulge the other when unwell. He could criticise the food I gave him when he's sick if he liked and it wouldn't bother me and vice versa. Our relationship is very much based on fairness and treating the other how you'd want to be treated.

I haven’t seen it here but poached eggs and boiled eggs are practically the same. Boiled eggs a. Either less washing up if you use a poacher or b. No special effort - water in pan, you can then rinse the pan and let dry and continue to use it tomorrow. You/he can boil a few, stick in the fridge, and then he can deshell them just before eating.

I’m not going to weigh in on who should do what but I think the spoons analogy applies.

he can’t make sandwiches or cook (too tiring, too many steps) but could he just eat bits of meals individually. Eat some eggs then have an apple. Not bother with making “a meal”.

If you can afford it, you could try meal boxes. You can get gluten free versions. They come with ingredients for each meal and simple instructions. If he is up to it- which only you and he really know- then he could give those a go.

He should be making his own late night snack. No way should you be accommodating his wacky requests after his daily 4 hour naps. Beans on toast? Bacon and eggs? He can do those things. What in the world?

You do not have to change your schedule to fit his. He is choosing to nap through family time and dinner, and then demands full kitchen service when he wakes up at 9pm? No. He can fend for himself.

if he’s so poorly he will literally starve if no one brings him food, he is unable to care for himself and he needs an in-home health care aide to come in and care for him. You do not need to carry the entire burden alone, you will burn out and end up with health issues of your own.

I gave up reading the comments half way through after the lazy, waste of space comments - unbelievable! I have fibromyalgia and gluten intolerance (& dairy/egg/soya free). No where near as difficult to manage as coeliac disease but I understand his difficulties. It's a vicious cycle sometimes ... No energy to cook ... Need to eat gluten free ... Not eating gluten free causes more fatigue.

Can he sleep earlier in the day so he is eating the same time as you? I agree with others that a half portion of what you're eating is better than more bread especially if he is already having a sandwich at lunch - plus gf bread sucks 🤣

Microwave egg poacher
Microwave bean pots
Precooked bacon to microwave
He puts toast in toaster and microwaves the rest, simple.

Half portions is another option or soup to microwave.

If losing weight is generally appropriate for him alongside getting used to gluten-free and hopefully improving his nutritional status as his health improves, then a lower carb approach may be much more helpful than relying on GF alternatives. From the kind of responses you are describing I'm thinking that some of the snacks suggested on the "low carb bootcamp" board might prove helpful to him for manageable meals when he needs to eat but can't face various things. Agree ++ with soups and salads.

I hope you can get things to a place where your husband can be more independent around his eating without you feeling guilty for "not helping him enough", and that his energy levels start to improve soon.

Oh, and whatever is said about gluten-free oats being ok, I know lots of people who don't actually tolerate oats.

He has crippling insomnia.
However he now naps about 4 - 8pm most days.
Four hours regular sleep everyday is not how insomnia works. Given that his nap time is totally avoiding the DC, I'd want the GP to look at depression.

Has he had his HbA1c done recently? GF bread and pasta is carb heavy and nutrient light, it will feck with his blood sugars. An afternoon nap would be on the cards.

Anaemia requires him to take supplements and eat a proper diet. Meat, fish, beans, lentils, eggs and nuts are all GF. Vegetables are all GF.

He could have salads, grainy beany salads, cooked meat, boiled eggs etc in the fridge and just grab something very quickly. He could be quite independent with a small amount of prep from you. Why doesn't he want to be?

Further to previous message, I do think he is being unreasonable expecting a different meal cooked but I understand his frustration of being unable to do it for himself. What about a compromise of dinner some nights/quick snack other nights. My go to easy gluten free options are gf noodle or rice pot from Asda/Tesco. Baxter's soup (the chicken broth is good), kirstys chicken pizza, it's smaller & 350ish cals (Tesco sell but cheaper in food warehouse if you have one close by), porridge if he can stomach oats, baked potato with beans. Hopefully you both find a solution

Late night snacks are not good for most people

I have 'crippling' insomnia.

Here are my hours sleep from my Fitbit for the last few days:
4hrs 45
5'53
6'11
4'51
5'1

Weirdly, despite being really fucking tired, I hold down a full time job, feed me and my children, and survive without having a nap which is pretty much half of a good night's sleep.

My daughter has Coeliac disease and anaemia as a result of her being unable to absorb the nutrients from her food. She is really tired as a result. She comes home from school and collapses. She is never not tired. It breaks my heart. She is often excluded socially as most friends cannot cater for her - even the tiniest crumb will make her very ill for 4 days - the risk of cross-contamination is rarely understood.
I believe your husband is genuinely physically fatigued as a result of his illness.
Coeliac disease is a serious autoimmune disease.
Unfortunately a lot of people dismiss it as a fad diet, something that she will grow out of but sadly that is very far from the truth.
How would you feel OP, if you developed a serious chronic illness. Would you want your husband help you cope when you were unable to?

One thing to mention is I try to restrict myself to 2 slices of GF bread a day max , so if I have say eggs on toast for breakfast, I will eat sardines and salad at lunch or if I eat a sandwich at lunch I will eat yoghurt and berries at breakfast or scrambled eggs and mushrooms etc - it's really easy if eating GF to ramp up things on toast and as I'm also pre diabetic it's fine balance.