DH and his GF diet

[Surfingthewaves]

Hi I’m after some advice as I’m getting a bit stressed!

background… married for 25 years, two teenagers. I work FT, DH has a number of debilitating health issues including fibromyalgia, coeliac disease, anaemia (being investigated) amongst other things. He’s not well enough to go to work but has his own business WFH (long before the pandemic) and this way he can obviously choose his working hours and rest (nap) when he needs to, he also has crippling insomnia.

I do (and always have done) food shopping, planning and preparation- not because he’s lazy, he does his fair share but struggles in this area and generally I don’t mind so it works for us.

However, about 6 weeks ago he was diagnosed with Coeliac disease so is now gluten free. No problem, I’ve researched it, there’s a lot of GF alternatives and overall it wasn’t an issue. However he now naps about 4 - 8pm most days and is not hungry till about 9. The rest of us eat earlier about 7 as 9 is too late for us to eat.

sometimes I just plate up his dinner and he reheats it when he’s hungry (meals like spaghetti Bol, Kung po chicken, omelettes etc) but now he’s saying he doesn’t fancy a full meal and also wants to lose weight so he wants a snack.

He has sandwiches for lunch so doesn’t want that, he wants me to make him things like poached eggs & bacon or beans on toast.

I’m just knackered by 9 and don’t want to- I’ve said can’t you do that yourself but then he looks so sorry for himself and I can see he’s in pain so I end up doing it.

Although he’s always telling me how much he appreciates and loves me I feel like a housekeeper.

I can’t find a compromise or solution 😬

Are you always that lacking in compassion to people who have long term health problems? Coeliac disease has no cure. It is a serious autoimmune disease. When my daughter was diagnosed she was so anaemic she could only walk 50 yards without having to stop as she was so breathless. She had terrible pains in all her joints, doctors thought it was acute arthritis. She had neuropathy in her hands and feet and needed MRI scans to rule out MS.
Coeliac disease is serious.

https://www.coeliac.org.uk/information-and-support/coeliac-disease/about-coeliac-disease/what-are-coeliac-disease-symptoms/

https://www.coeliac.org.uk/information-and-support/coeliac-disease/coeliac-disease-faqs/

Read the thread @SpringBlossomJoy there are plenty of posters commenting with chronic illness including Coeliac.

tbf - its not the gluten free diet, its the fact that he expects you to run around at all hours preparing him "snacks"
If he naps regularly for 4 hours between 4 and 8pm, he doesn't have bloody insomnia - he just isnt't tired at night - oh and it conveniently gets him out of childcare, meal prep for the family.
Lazy twat.

Being tired from insomnia is nothing like the tiredness from a physical illness. Yes, you can feel very tired (I had 3 babies in 18 months and they didn’t sleep) but it’s not the same as a physical lack of nutrients and iron/oxygen in your body.
Newly diagnosed Coeliac disease and the associated anaemia, now that really is crippling. When you can’t walk 50 yards without stopping, that’s crippling tiredness.

Is he physically unable to make his own food?

@SpringBlossomJoy As I said, read the thread.

@SpringBlossomJoy most people commenting have no idea what it's like to suffer with a chronic illness. I feel your frustration!

Agree re Huel. Also Itsu rice noodle pots and Zenb Agile bowls. I'd keep in tins of soup and sardines and gf crackers etc, too.

He really does need to do this for himself. It's not really fair that he's opting out of family meal times anyway. Expecting you to cook again for him is really unreasonable.

@SpringBlossomJoy - I work with two colleagues with coeliac. They both live normal lives.

I'm sorry your daughter is so unwell

Being GF isn't the issue. The problem is him taking a nap that means he doesn't eat with family and then wanting you to pander to him. DH has similar health issues. There is no way he'd ask me to cook him a snack at 9pm.
If you're wanting to pander to him, make a pot of soup. He can reheat it as late as he wants.
Fwiw we rarely buy GF items. They're expensive and you can make lots of recipes gluten free without having to buy substitutes. For bread, making your own in a breadmaker works out much cheaper. For cakes, look up crazy cake.

He can eat a smaller portion of what you have prepared.

You are not running a canteen.

Or you get a supply of tinned soup and GF crumpets which you keep in the freezer for him to prepare.

Yes, you could do it for him but you've already had a shift cooking. It is mentally exhausting being resposible for every mosel of food that other people consume in terms of planning, shopping, preparing, cooking, clearing up. Every bloody day. He should be grateful you do this for his family and him and get on with it. You are not his Mother.

Jesus just give him less of the dinner everyone else is having.

What would happen if you gave him the sad eyes and said you are knackered at 9 pm after working all day and looking after everyone in the family? Why can't he eat something cold if he wants to eat late? Boiled eggs can be eaten cold and are nutritionally the same as poached eggs. Why can't he can nap from 4 till 6 instead of till 8, so that he's ready for dinner at the same time as everyone else?

It does not seem like he's compromising at all. It's just expected that he gets what he wants and you facilitate it, no matter the effect on you. He may be ill, but he's not an infant and you are not his mother.

Another approach you could use is to cater to him for now, while he's trying to get his iron levels back up, but give it a time limit so you aren't stuck being his handmaiden forever. Is he getting his iron checked periodically? What is the estimate for when that should be back to normal?

When he is trying to recover from anemia might not be the best time to try to diet as he'll be tired anyway and trying to lose weight might push his energy levels way down. Is he eating vegetables and taking multivitamins? Has he seen a dietitian?

I know it's hard and I feel great sympathy for him but, you also matter. If you burn out his recovery will be hampered so don't feel guilty about looking after yourself.

I'm a coeliac, I have loads of different veg in the fridge & loads of protein in the freezer or in tins. I also have rice, GF pasta, wraps & bread. Most days I steam a basket of veg & choose some protein like steak, fish, mince, chops, bacon, beans or lentils, if I want carbs I choose potatoes or rice most days. I eat meals like steak, asparagus, cauliflower cheese & roast potatoes or Cod/plaice, peas & chips or pork steaks, tenderstem broccoli, dauphinois potatoes, apple sauce & GF gravy. On days I'm not very hungry I might have a jacket potato, coleslaw & cheese, GF bread toasted sandwich with cheese & onion, then either a yoghurt or a protein mousse & a banana, bacon, grilled tomato, mushrooms & scrambled egg. I cook curries in my slow cooker & freeze portions in ready meal cartons from Amazon with a portion of rice so I can just zap them in the microwave or chilli con carne & rice, spaghetti bolognaise & GF pasta, eat one portion on the day I cook it & then portion the rest up & freeze with pasta ready for microwaving. In warmer weather I make GF pasta or rice salads that I can add smoked salmon, prawns, cooked meats to. I've been GF for over a year now, other than really good bread I don't really miss anything. I have chronic diseases that cause fatigue & brain fog, I find that if I'm not eating properly my symptoms get worse. Your dh needs to be eating at least 5 portions of fruit & veg a day, if he won't eat proper meals would he eat soups or if you have a smoothie maker blend fruit & veg in to nourishing smoothies or home made soups. He needs to be playing an active role on managing his diet & health conditions, not leaving it all to you. Does he have Vitamin B12 deficiency? This can go hand in hand with anaemia low B12 & folic acid can contribute to anaemia.

Well if he wishes to lose weight, he'd do better having his main meal earlier in the day and a hearty GF soup of an evening which he can heat up whenever he likes. YANBU.

I recently had surgery then dreadful complications that required a prolonged hospital stay. Back home (I live alone), I was dragging myself out of bed & making simple meals like bean & cheese wraps in the sandwich press, scrambled eggs etc. if I wanted to eat I had to, I did order Ubereats occasionally but that’s not a permanent solution. I’m also iron deficient & constantly tired along with the other stuff, but I needed to eat so I made it easy, I had a bowl of cereal for dinner last night.

I would probably try to have a proper conversation on it with him - something like - I understand you don't want a full meal, but I don't want to cook 2 seperate meals for dinner. Let me know if you want a half portion of our dinner in which case I will continue to get GF ingredients for those as I have been doing, or if not let me know what you want bought that you can do easily yourself.

Then he can choose. My partner works very long days, I work the standard 8 hours and have our son while cooking, I said from the start I will cook him food to reheat happily but it will be what we are having, if he doesn't want it he can do himself something.

I don't think that is unreasonable - can also offer to freeze up a few small portions so he has options.

I mean if it was just some pre washed salad from a bag and some boiled cold eggs that may have been done in advance that wouldn't be too bad. But it's the cleaning up from bacon/poached eggs that I don't want after cleaning up already from one dinner to be honest!

So what? Still doesn't give the right to expect others to run around after you to your timetable.

big nope!!! if he wants his own food made he can make it. You can make beans on toast even with a chronic health condition, especially after a 4 hour nap. You’re enabling.

Also just to reiterate what another PP said, what would happen if you got ill OP? Would he be incapable of warming up some baked beans for the kids and himself?

Does he need 4 hours sleep? Surely he can't sleep at night because he doesn't wake up until 8pm?

Tell me you don't have a chronic illness without telling me you don't have a chronic illness

The problem is even though he is genuinely ill he seems unwilling to compromise on any of the idea
he may not like a hot meal for lunch but a portion of the dinner before heated up or batch cooking and freezing gf meals for him to heat is a good idea. Then a sandwich or he makes himself something in the evening.
making you rundown and ill isn’t a solution

Thanks for all the GF suggestions that’s really helpful. I gave a snap shot of meals, we do eat pretty healthily with plenty of fresh veg, salads and proteins.

I spoke to him last night and told him he was taking the piss, he apologised and said he was having a really bad few days. He managed to make his own crumpets 😁

When he goes to lie down at 4 he has been working since 8am and can’t mentally or physically do anymore- he does nap mostly but regardless he needs to lie down as he feels like he’ll keel over. He sometimes gets up after an hour or two if he can’t sleep.

He takes vitamin supplements too and is back and forth the doctor, we’re waiting to see a general surgeon who will investigate other potential problems such as a stomach ulcer or some kind of internal bleed.

I tend to make meals when I get back from work at about 4 whilst the sun is out so we don’t have to pay for electricity using the oven / hob (solar panels). We don’t always eat together anyway as the teenagers are often in work or out with friends so they also just reheat their meals when they’re back.

Hopefully we’ll get some improvement in his health sooner rather than later, I’ve read that it can take many months to start feeling better after going GF so I guess it’s a long process for the body to adjust. I do think there’s other things going on that are adding to his health concerns, hopefully we’ll get to the bottom of it sooner rather than later.