DH and his GF diet

[Surfingthewaves]

Hi I’m after some advice as I’m getting a bit stressed!

background… married for 25 years, two teenagers. I work FT, DH has a number of debilitating health issues including fibromyalgia, coeliac disease, anaemia (being investigated) amongst other things. He’s not well enough to go to work but has his own business WFH (long before the pandemic) and this way he can obviously choose his working hours and rest (nap) when he needs to, he also has crippling insomnia.

I do (and always have done) food shopping, planning and preparation- not because he’s lazy, he does his fair share but struggles in this area and generally I don’t mind so it works for us.

However, about 6 weeks ago he was diagnosed with Coeliac disease so is now gluten free. No problem, I’ve researched it, there’s a lot of GF alternatives and overall it wasn’t an issue. However he now naps about 4 - 8pm most days and is not hungry till about 9. The rest of us eat earlier about 7 as 9 is too late for us to eat.

sometimes I just plate up his dinner and he reheats it when he’s hungry (meals like spaghetti Bol, Kung po chicken, omelettes etc) but now he’s saying he doesn’t fancy a full meal and also wants to lose weight so he wants a snack.

He has sandwiches for lunch so doesn’t want that, he wants me to make him things like poached eggs & bacon or beans on toast.

I’m just knackered by 9 and don’t want to- I’ve said can’t you do that yourself but then he looks so sorry for himself and I can see he’s in pain so I end up doing it.

Although he’s always telling me how much he appreciates and loves me I feel like a housekeeper.

I can’t find a compromise or solution 😬

Can't he have sandwiches for his tea then heat up the meal you're cooking for lunch the next day?

It just sounds like he’s going out of his way to make your life difficult. He can’t eat what you eat - fine, will make you something adapted. Oh but I can’t eat at that time as I’m napping (for 4 hours of the afternoon!) - fine I’ll plate you something and you can warm it up. Oh but I don’t want a full me, just a light snack. No, less of the same thing isn’t OK, it has to be xyz thing that can only be eaten fresh so you’ll have to make if for me at 9pm. Just no. He can’t have you cooking at 9 pm because he’s so difficult

Is he so debilitated he can’t make his own food? If so, he needs to find a solution. Something he is able to prepare himself. Maybe switch the sandwiches to the evening?

He sounds a bit useless, surely he can prepare something simple?

I would plate him up from evening meal and suggest he has it for lunch and then switch to sandwiches in the evening - a diet of sandwiches and toast with ‘it’ is not sufficient when he’s meant to be increasing iron etc

I'd go for easy cook from frozen. Batches different soup in freezer or from tin. Egg muffins freeze well and can reheated. Frozen baked potatoes take 5mins.
Dc have egg microwave thing for poaching eggs
Shop brought mix salad.

Ultimately if he wants to loose weight he my be better with meal replacement drink

Good idea about the half portions I think that’s fairly doable.

He doesn’t like hot food at lunch which is why make his sandwiches before I go to work.

He like’s crumpets so I’ve bought him GF crumpets which I’m sure he can manage himself if he wants a snack.

He’s only recently started napping in the last several months as his iron levels are so low he feels like he’s going to faint. He’s had insomnia for over ten years and it makes no difference whether he sleeps in the day or not. He still can’t sleep at night.

He’s not lazy by any means and works very hard on his business to ensure he contributes financially but he is really struggling with the whole food situation and just has no enthusiasm meaning he can’t make decisions on what he wants to eat as well as preparing it himself. I think he’s depressed which is hardly surprising given how he feels.

How unkind

He can heat up some soup, part baked gf roll. Gluten free noodle pot. Microwave egg poacher. You need a rest as well!

Back to GP. Typically when someone is diagnosed coeliac and gives up gluten they start to feel better quite quickly. This doesn't seem to be about the GF. I think you might be right about the depression but there are other causes of fatigue too.

He's being unkind to you @Surfingthewaves

I'm sorry you can't see that.

I am endlessly astonished by the utter shite some women put up with. There's love and kindness and there's enabling sheer incompetence and sublimating oneself.
You sound a rather unappealing doormat.
Seriously. He can make his own bloody food!!
Dear god.

@Surfingthewaves why can’t he cook?

why can't he have the dinner from Monday reheated Tuesday (Tuesday dinner reheated Wednesday and so on) for lunch and have a snack in the evening? He's not living in a hotel with various options on a menu

Initially I thought I was a little bit on his side, after all what's the point of being in a relationship if you can't rely on the other to help you out when you need it.

But.. honestly I do feel like he's taking the piss. My grandad never cooked a meal in his life, he was from a generation of men who thought women were here to service their every need.

Some sort of compromise is needed. If he wants you to cook, he eats what you make. If he wants something else, he does his own.

When does he cook your dinner BTW?

I'm sure if you Google you can find a quick air fryer or gluten free quick hot foods. It works both ways you aren't responsible for his recovery. You can help but if you enable him too much it will create and sustain an unhealthy co dependency

calling Someone a ‘lazy twat’ is unnecessary and rude, sorry you can’t see that

It might be blunt but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. If your husband wants different food at different times from everyone else, he can make it himself rather than relying on his housekeeper, sorry wife to do it for him.

If you’re unhappy, stop being such a doormat!

So he doesn’t even make his own sandwiches? You think he should be able to toast a crumpet? He doesn’t like hot food for lunch either…

I mean - honestly, I’m sympathetic to the fatigue and feeling ill, I am. But this is just awful behaviour, really.

Why even comment?

He's taking the piss op.

He can get an iron transfusion for the anaemia. He won't because he wants as you his maid.

I've had anaemia all my life, very low numbers like 8, 11 etc.

Funny how women manage to get on with things.

I cannot be doing with these men who treat their wives like servants.
These are miserable conditions to suffer from but none of them make your hands drop off. Let him cook his own food.

She's right though. Unfortunately you are now going to defend him to the death as you see any criticism of him as criticism of you. Sorry you can't see that.

I have lupus, anaemia, pituitary issues, kidney issues and asthma. I’m on the highest rates of PIP long term. There’s no way I could nap from 4-8pm everyday. Dh works full time and I’m at home but I’m doing stuff at home, and caring for disabled Ds (who goes to complex needs school). There’s no way I’d expect dh to cook me something at 9pm when he’s already eaten and is shattered 😳 I have sympathy for your dh as someone who has health issues but if he can toast crumpets and he doesn’t even like hot food as you say he can get up and make himself a sandwich….!

What is he doing re the anaemia? I found the short courses of iron tablets they kept giving me weren’t doing much so now I take ferrous fumerate 210mg every day long term and find that keeps it more stable.