DH and his GF diet

[Surfingthewaves]

Hi I’m after some advice as I’m getting a bit stressed!

background… married for 25 years, two teenagers. I work FT, DH has a number of debilitating health issues including fibromyalgia, coeliac disease, anaemia (being investigated) amongst other things. He’s not well enough to go to work but has his own business WFH (long before the pandemic) and this way he can obviously choose his working hours and rest (nap) when he needs to, he also has crippling insomnia.

I do (and always have done) food shopping, planning and preparation- not because he’s lazy, he does his fair share but struggles in this area and generally I don’t mind so it works for us.

However, about 6 weeks ago he was diagnosed with Coeliac disease so is now gluten free. No problem, I’ve researched it, there’s a lot of GF alternatives and overall it wasn’t an issue. However he now naps about 4 - 8pm most days and is not hungry till about 9. The rest of us eat earlier about 7 as 9 is too late for us to eat.

sometimes I just plate up his dinner and he reheats it when he’s hungry (meals like spaghetti Bol, Kung po chicken, omelettes etc) but now he’s saying he doesn’t fancy a full meal and also wants to lose weight so he wants a snack.

He has sandwiches for lunch so doesn’t want that, he wants me to make him things like poached eggs & bacon or beans on toast.

I’m just knackered by 9 and don’t want to- I’ve said can’t you do that yourself but then he looks so sorry for himself and I can see he’s in pain so I end up doing it.

Although he’s always telling me how much he appreciates and loves me I feel like a housekeeper.

I can’t find a compromise or solution 😬

He really does need to help with his problem, it can not all be on you op as you literally do everything else, it's not fair of him to demand you make him food at 9pm because he keeps napping and his schedule is off.

He can learn to heat up scrambled eggs and beans in the microwave, takes barely any time, my son learnt to do this after footie practice when he was 11.
You can get frozen Jacket potatoes that go in Chef Mike as well.

You could make a big batch of soup for one day of dinners and freeze some single portions he can have for during the week, soups are really easy to make GF and help get lots of iron packed veggies as well as fiber.

I understand you love him and want to take care of him, but it does sound like he is taking advantage expecting you to accommodate his wants all the time
What would happen if God forbid you ended up ill or dead, would he then force the children to care for him?
He needs to do what he can when he can and only require you when absolutely needed.

I do (and always have done) food shopping, planning and preparation- not because he’s lazy, he does his fair share but struggles in this area and generally I don’t mind so it works for us.
Understandable, everyone’s relationship is different and works differently.

However he now naps about 4 - 8pm most days and is not hungry till about 9. The rest of us eat earlier about 7 as 9 is too late for us to eat.
OK, a possible side effect of his illnesses. Not unreasonable, however is this situation sustainable for family life? You have kids presumably so he seems to be missing out on a huge chunk of family life. Is he taking responsibility for his health as he doesn’t seem to be for his diet?

I’m just knackered by 9 and don’t want to- I’ve said can’t you do that yourself but then he looks so sorry for himself and I can see he’s in pain so I end up doing it.
This is the issue people have. He is showing absolutely no consideration for you here. He is leaving you to pick up the slack in terms of running the household during crucial hours (teatime, tidying, homework, possibly bedtimes etc) and then expecting you to run around after him when you’re knackered. If it was on bad pain days, maybe. But this seems to be a regular occurrence which is why people are coming to the conclusion he’s lazy.

The situation of you doing all planning and preparing food is no longer working and you need to address this with him. The fact that he won’t take no for answer and uses his pain as a way to blackmail you into doing what he wants is very telling into what sort of person he is OP. He is lazy because a grown man should take even the smallest amount of responsibility for themselves, you’re still planning and buying just asking him to boil some eggs or doing a small amount of food prep won’t kill him. And how are you going to run around for him when you’re working yourself to exhaustion every day? That will make you ill!

Gluten free pasta doesn't reheat very well. It goes all mushy.

Also don't be surprised if he doesn't like the gluten free crumpets.... they aren't the same as normal crumpets.

Low effort snack gluten free foods / small meals here are:

Itsu rice 'pot noodles'
Microwave sachets of flavoured rice
Cheese and gluten free crackers
Morrisons own brand frozen gluten free pizza
Leftover roast meat with quinoa salad
Baked potato
Omelette
Bacon and eggs
Cheese and onion rolls (pastry) from M&S
A variety of M&S/ sainsbury microwave meals that happen to be gluten free (e.g cottage pie, fish pie)
Toasted Cheese sandwiches using Warburton gluten free tiger loaf
Gluten free fishfingers

If I'm in a cooking mood I make gluten free pastry myself and do quiches/ sausage rolls/ steak bakes etc for the freezer.

There's always a bowl quinoa/ puy lentil salad in the fridge for people to help themselves to and other salad bits .

DH who is coeliac needs a very high calorie diet due to an intesly physical job and and eats 3 hot meals a day just to maintain a BMI that hovers around 19/20. He often has to eat separately due to working hours but as long as there is food there for him to heap onto a plate he will put something together himself quite happily.

Things that he could do to help you:

Learn to love hot food at lunchtime and eat sandwiches later for supper

or

Switch his nap schedule 3.30-6.30pm and eat with you at 7-7.30pm

or

Heat up his own snacks (lots of options given on thread) at 9pm

Well fuck off back to you. Lots of us on here suffer from chronic conditions. 🖕. And we still try and navigate the burdens of life.

It took me a good while to start recovering when I was diagnosed with coeliac disease and went gluten free. I spent the next months feeling ill and exhausted, plus he's anaemic too. That said, can he plan better what he might want to eat and think of some easier options? It does take some getting used to and he may need to think creatively. Remember to look after yourself in all of this.

Where do I get one of these? Is there a Discarded pile somewhere?

I have absolutely nothing of use to do in my life, no aspirations, no interests - I'd love to serve someone and nurture their failings.

I would worry with what you have written that his diet seems to have very little vegetable or protein. He needs that far more than the GF carb - that is relatively easy - not so good diet wise. So he needs to ensure from the advice above that he is getting that. I also recommend that he switches to a hot main meal at lunch time, and then he has more freedom to snack at tea time. He can cut veggies, prepare snacks at lunch time if he is less tired then. But he should not be expecting you to cook at 9pm for him.

I didn’t like pastry before Coeliac anyway so I do crustless quiches and frittatas. If you show him how to make one (!) he can vary the ingredients to his taste.

Either you make his special meal at 9pm or he makes his special meal at 9pm.

What else is there to say?

A few years ago I'd have agreed with that. Since being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue myself, by the end of the day I don't even have the energy to go upstairs to bed let alone anything else

Nah fuck that. He can eat a smaller portion of what you have already made, or he can make his own.

(I'm coeliac)

I presume his legs and arms work

There is a solution. Ignore the puppy dog eyes and stop enabling the babyish behaviour. If he can run a business, then he can make himself a simple snack.
A few years ago I'd have agreed with that. Since being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue myself, by the end of the day I don't even have the energy to go upstairs to bed let alone anything else

So you;d eat what was alreay made for you, right?

Why even ask if you’re just gonna tell everyone to fuck off
I have coeliac and can’t have dairy or cheese. I have PCOS and mental health problems. You’re brainwashed into not seeing that he’s a twat enjoy your life of slavery

Can't he sort out his nap time do he can actually participate in family life. Presumably he never sees your kids in the week despite being actually in the house.

@Mirabai me too. Also tubs of hummus which I eat on gf cheese oatcakes with a salad or on GF toast. Cheese on toast with sliced tomatoes on top- tins of ratatouille that I stick on whole grain rice , canned spicy sardines on toast- GF gnocchi with pesto etc - I've actually eaten better since I realised my Gluten issue as I've varied my diet a lot more

He should be having something balanced like salmon, rice and veg or chicken, baked potato & beans for 1 meal a day so if it’s not for dinner, it needs to be for lunch. Can you leave some basics cooked in the fridge and he can then plate and reheat what is available in whatever quantity he fancies? Gluten-free breads are better in moderation btw.

I cook for the kids around 6.30/7pm, tidy up the kitchen and do a few delayed jobs then maybe get to sit down around 8.30 - so if someone came looking for me to cook again at 9 I would cry 😭…but also I’d tell them to help themselves to toast/cereal. I appreciate your husband is unwell so there’s a bit of guilt going on but it’s a long day and I don’t even work outside the home. The kitchen is closed once the tidy-up is done and the dishwasher goes on around here - and given how much you do for your family and DH, I think he needs to stop giving you the sad eyes/guilt trip and you need to put your foot down a bit. You’ll run yourself into an early grave and then you’ll be no use to anybody!

He has 4 hours sleep mid afternoon to early evening and his wife is knackered by 9pm (working full time and doing most of the house related stuff). If he lived on his own, he would have to do it.

After 4 hours sleep, he should be making himself a simple snack, not adding to his wife’s already knackering day.

I get exhaustion. But. Is this man really and truly unable to scramble a couple of eggs?!

Presumably you’d be very grateful for your partner making you a decent meal which takes into consideration your dietary needs, rather than emotionally blackmailing your partner into making something else instead?

Tell him to heat a tin of soup

He wants a specific portion of a specific diet, at a specific time… that he often ends up throwing away.

Yea, he’d be doing himself.

He seems to have got into the habit of thinking that you are a household appliance. You are more than a service human.
Many people have chronic health conditions and adapt their lives accordingly. I have Coeliac disease and I don’t eat any of the processed gf options. I did the AIP diet for six months and worked out which foods created the most problems.
I don’t have the energy to stand up after eight o’clock at night, so the dishes have to wait till morning. How would he manage if he lived on his own?

I think it's fine for him to want you to help him with food if he is not up to cooking.

But you're not a restaurant. A basic healthy meal that he can reheat is fine. If he wants to lose weight he can have less of it or eat the healthier bits of it. Expecting specific food at specific times is not being appreciative of all the effort it takes you to plan organise buy and cook the food and that his 'preferences' on times and types of food is increasing your workload just before you go to bed