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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH and his GF diet

167 replies

Surfingthewaves · 02/04/2023 19:29

Hi I’m after some advice as I’m getting a bit stressed!

background… married for 25 years, two teenagers. I work FT, DH has a number of debilitating health issues including fibromyalgia, coeliac disease, anaemia (being investigated) amongst other things. He’s not well enough to go to work but has his own business WFH (long before the pandemic) and this way he can obviously choose his working hours and rest (nap) when he needs to, he also has crippling insomnia.

I do (and always have done) food shopping, planning and preparation- not because he’s lazy, he does his fair share but struggles in this area and generally I don’t mind so it works for us.

However, about 6 weeks ago he was diagnosed with Coeliac disease so is now gluten free. No problem, I’ve researched it, there’s a lot of GF alternatives and overall it wasn’t an issue. However he now naps about 4 - 8pm most days and is not hungry till about 9. The rest of us eat earlier about 7 as 9 is too late for us to eat.

sometimes I just plate up his dinner and he reheats it when he’s hungry (meals like spaghetti Bol, Kung po chicken, omelettes etc) but now he’s saying he doesn’t fancy a full meal and also wants to lose weight so he wants a snack.

He has sandwiches for lunch so doesn’t want that, he wants me to make him things like poached eggs & bacon or beans on toast.

I’m just knackered by 9 and don’t want to- I’ve said can’t you do that yourself but then he looks so sorry for himself and I can see he’s in pain so I end up doing it.

Although he’s always telling me how much he appreciates and loves me I feel like a housekeeper.

I can’t find a compromise or solution 😬

OP posts:
OneTC · 02/04/2023 20:13

I really couldn't begrudge spending a few minutes making beans or egg on toast for someone.

brogueish · 02/04/2023 20:13

Honestly I think you're both dealing with a lot. Adjusting to coeliac can be a bit weird, there's relief that something's been identified and coming to terms with the lifetime restriction, a bit of grief for the easy pre-GF life... You're doing really well adjusting and I appreciate he may not be himself at the moment. But. If he doesn't want to eat with the family at whatever time, that's fine, but he can make himself something he would like to eat when he'd like to eat later. This is not your responsibility and you've offered suggestions that he's rejected. No problem, but it's over to him now. You're both adults - you're his wife not his mum.

junebirthdaygirl · 02/04/2023 20:14

He will start to feel so much better very soon as his iron levels will start to rise. Hopefully he will have more energy to actually do some things for himself.

Amortentia · 02/04/2023 20:14

Cherrybl0ssm · 02/04/2023 19:34

Anemia and celiac are linked.
Maybe batch cook and then small snack sized potions he can heat up.
Although is really sounds like a pain in the bum

I was just going to post this. Many in my family are celiac and have issues with malabsorption of b vitamins and anaemia, especially chronic folic acid deficiency. One of my kids has to take a prescription dose level of folic acid or they turn into a zombie.

herlightmaterials · 02/04/2023 20:15

He's not helping himself sleeping during the day. You might be enabling behaviour that is making things worse.

Ragruggers · 02/04/2023 20:16

If he doesn’t want the meal you make and lives on GF sandwiches which you make then at night he wants snack food how healthy is his diet.You say he wants to lose weight how over weight is he? He needs to be eating fruit,vegetables and protein every day.It is expensive to eat GF food I know as I buy it.I suggest he speaks to a dietitian and the GP.This life style can’t go on.

AluckyEllie · 02/04/2023 20:17

You make his sandwiches before you go to work?! Does he do much around the house? He’s got a cushy deal doesn’t he.

Snacks- could he not warm himself up some soup? Have things like beans/eggs/ cheese available and he could make a quick omelette. Cheese and oatcakes? Rice cakes and hummus?

herlightmaterials · 02/04/2023 20:17

Really, the napping will not be making no difference to his insomnia in the longer term. He hasn't a hope of sorting that if he's napping. It's also affecting his appetite. Now is the time to get into a better routine as he starts to feel better.

OneTC · 02/04/2023 20:18

He’s got a cushy deal doesn’t he.

Sheesh

dinmin · 02/04/2023 20:18

Chronically ill here with a gf partner.
some of these have been suggested by PP but he needs to either:

  • eat a smaller portion of the main meal
  • swap lunch and dinner
  • eat ready made foods that he can then prep / heat / whatever himself (what about those microwave rice sachets etc?)
  • eat something easy you can prepare while you make dinner
  • make his own beans on toast etc!
CatsGinAndTwiglets · 02/04/2023 20:18

Short term- batch cook and freeze microwaveable meals he can eat at the time of his choosing in portion sizes of his choosing so he can eat when he wants without it causing you any extra hassle.

Long term he needs to sort out his anaemia, learn to pace his energy and sort out his sleep into a more normal schedule. Which can be done but requires effort on his part. I’m also battling low iron and poor absorption plus multiple chronic conditions that cause fatigue so I do get how hard it is.

Snowythecatbitch · 02/04/2023 20:19

OP You can poach eggs in a batch and keep them in iced water in the fridge for a couple of days, then reheat in boiling water briefly like they do in restaurants, likewise cook bacon beforehand and briefly reheat in microwave on kitchen paper, he could do that himself then?I Used to do this for my elderly mum. As someone who has multiple health problems and eats and sleeps at odd times sometimes though, I think he should be compromising somewhat , I do.

SomebodysMum · 02/04/2023 20:24

I have coeliac disease and fibromyalgia and would just like to say fuck off to everyone who has called him lazy or said OP is enabling him.

It must be really hard for you too though OP, I’m sorry for both of you that you’re in this situation.

In his situation if I was wanting to lose weight I’d just eat smaller portions of whatever you’re having so he is being a bit U in that respect, but if you’re willing to do something different for him sometimes I think tinned soups etc might be your friend, a lot of the supermarket own brand ones are naturally GF anyway, just need to be careful when checking the labels.

Clymene · 02/04/2023 20:24

If you want to spend your life bankrolling and acting as a maid a lazy man, that's your call if it's just you and him. Knock yourself out.

But when you've got children, your dysfunctional relationship affects them. And I will always stand up for the rights of children against crap parenting.

BrutusMcDogface · 02/04/2023 20:24

Take it from a fellow coeliac, he won’t start to feel better until he eats well and takes an iron supplement (though I’m assuming he must have the latter?) Please don’t let him guilt you into preparing more food at 9pm. He can do it himself!

gamerchick · 02/04/2023 20:30

Good grief lass. Tell him if he wants to eat at stupid o'clock he can poach his own eggs. What he's suggesting isn't taxing and doesn't take long. Ignore the hang dog expression

Mirabai · 02/04/2023 20:31

OP as someone with CFS/FM and Coeliac, who’s been anaemic in the past, who runs their own business, studies, cares for elderly parents, and doesn’t have time to sleep for 4 hours a day, I make my own meals! There’s zero reason why he can’t assemble a meal after a rest.

What iron is he on? Because NHS iron tablets didn’t work for me I took a brand called Hemaplex which is a liquid capsule and designed to get your iron levels up fast.

Coeliac diet takes a while to get used to. I always have a stock of easy to assemble meals for when I’m tired.

  • Unearthed Spanish omelette
  • Del Ugo gf raviolini
  • Black rice noodles
  • Buckwheat noodles
  • Reflets de France buckwheat crepes
  • Quinoa salad eg with pine nuts, apricots and coriander
  • Quick cook fish - salmon, sea bass, prawn dim sum
RethinkingLife · 02/04/2023 20:31

Roast some vegetables or do some one tray bakes that he can eat when he wishes. He can have that with whatever works for him (tuna, lean ham).

Ratatouille, caponata, rice salad.

These can all be served at preferred temperatures and portions.

Mirabai · 02/04/2023 20:32

SomebodysMum · 02/04/2023 20:24

I have coeliac disease and fibromyalgia and would just like to say fuck off to everyone who has called him lazy or said OP is enabling him.

It must be really hard for you too though OP, I’m sorry for both of you that you’re in this situation.

In his situation if I was wanting to lose weight I’d just eat smaller portions of whatever you’re having so he is being a bit U in that respect, but if you’re willing to do something different for him sometimes I think tinned soups etc might be your friend, a lot of the supermarket own brand ones are naturally GF anyway, just need to be careful when checking the labels.

So do I and I say fuck off to him and his entitlement.

Growlybear83 · 02/04/2023 20:33

Why not compromise and alternate the times you eat between 7 one night and 9 the next?

Notimeforaname · 02/04/2023 20:34

No. He makes his own food.

Unless you're officially his carer, he needs to make his own meals if not eating with everyone else.

MummyJ36 · 02/04/2023 20:34

Wtf I’m sorry if he can run his own business he can cook his own eggs. Jesus Christ men piss me off sometimes.

Mirabai · 02/04/2023 20:34

Soup is a good point. I make soup weekly and freeze it so I always have some available. Ready made brands I use Soupologie and Bol. Sainsburys, Waitrose and M&S have good own brand chicken soup and vegetable soups.

Notimeforaname · 02/04/2023 20:36

Soup is a good point. I make soup weekly and freeze it so I always have some available.

Tell him this op. I'm sure one or two days a week he can stand up long enough to make a large meal and freeze it for himself.

Mirabai · 02/04/2023 20:36

Growlybear83 · 02/04/2023 20:33

Why not compromise and alternate the times you eat between 7 one night and 9 the next?

Why should the children have to wait so long! No way could I have lasted until 9.

He just needs to assemble something when he wakes up. It’s really not a big deal or a big ask. Also FM is very much use it or lose it.