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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Message the doc that treated DD

156 replies

MisschiefMaker · 02/04/2023 00:21

Just found the doctors LinkedIn.

AIBU to message her to ask her why she lied to me to get me to agree to give my DD medication that has left her with lifelong damage, when there was nothing wrong with her. I can also include that i pray no other innocent babies are harmed by her every day.

Or should I message her family members instead.

Or just forget about it and move on? She thought she was doing the right thing, after all, and lots of doctors have god complexes.

OP posts:
usernamechanged1 · 02/04/2023 07:13

Hard to say much without any specific details but I find it odd that a medic would tell you there were no risks related to a treatment. There is always some form of risk.

110APiccadilly · 02/04/2023 07:19

Readytoplay · 02/04/2023 01:49

Seeing as you are withholding all the details, let me guess?

Your an anti-vax (which is ultimately your choice). Said GP told you the FACTS of the vacation and managed to convince your child to have the vax. You child was given the vaccination. They have now been diagnosed with autism (or has turned out to be SEN/Nurodivigent in some other way). You blame this on the vaccination and, as a result, the GP responsible.

Op, Am I correct?

No vaccinations are given two hours after birth. I have no idea what OP's daughter was given, whether OP is in the right or not, but it's not a vaccine. I do feel some posters are jumping to conclusions here, doctors do make mistakes. OP is clearly upset and crowing, "You're probably an anti-vaxxer," off the back of no evidence feels pretty nasty. (And I say this as someone whose children have had all their vaccines.)

OP - do not contact the doctor directly, you'll ruin your own life because you'll quite likely end up with police involvement for harassment. You can sue though if your daughter has been given incorrect medication and you were not informed of the risks.

Whatever the problem is, you sound understandably upset about it all. I hope you can find answers, but please don't get hung up on it - your daughter needs your time and attention more than she needs to know what happened to her in the past.

legargamel · 02/04/2023 07:27

Stalking/harassing (especially family members of dr) will only make your testimony about what happened at the hospital look very questionable, as trustworthy people don't usually stalk/harass, not even bereaved parents.

Of course I understand grief and anger can drive one to do anything, but objectively it will detract from the reliability of your testimony.

Stick to official channels. Focus all your emotions on those.

Middletoleft · 02/04/2023 07:30

Like a complete crank?

If you can prove it follow the proper process.

nomoremerlot · 02/04/2023 07:35

I really would urge you to get counselling.

Purplepinkfairy · 02/04/2023 07:49

Don't contact the Dr or family personally. You will get yourself in a lot of trouble. Police will be involved. Go back to hospital and complain you are not happy with response so far and you want further investigation/explanation

Okaaaay · 02/04/2023 07:50

OP I’m so sorry, this is heartbreaking. Agree with other posters that you won’t get the outcome you want / need going directly. I haven’t read everything so apologies if repeating.

I would suggest writing another letter - topped and tailed with exactly what outcome you are looking for. I would then send in to the complaints address and to PALS - contacting them to check receipt and timeline. I would also ask for a case review of your birth journey with a midwife / obstetrician (not the one involved) - rather than just using the notes. Friends who have done this have found more acceptance following this. There is also the opportunity to peruse a legal option. I would exhaust the above first.

Sillybollocks · 02/04/2023 07:55

I know you're upset and want clarity but as others have said, no contacting the doctor, much less their relatives.

Think about what you want to achieve, given that as you say, you can't go back. Explanation, apology and possibly compensation and changes to be made if appropriate? Take the correct steps. PALS, hospital director, MP, med neg solicitor. You should have got a more substantive reply but it doesn't sound like your initial email was very clear or substantial so try again.

The consultant's recommendations were not followed but the reason is not given in the notes? I think it's perfectly reasonable to want an explanation of that. There could be an acceptable one in which case the risks were weighed up and it was deemed more risky not to continue treating. It could be an oversight or poor clinical decision in which case you can follow up with a solicitor. But at the moment you don't know.

QuintanaRoo · 02/04/2023 07:58

MisschiefMaker · 02/04/2023 00:27

I can't imagine any scenario in which the hospital takes any complaint seriously. The Doctor lied in the write up to say she had discussed the risks with me. Actually, I had initially declined treatment because of the risks and asked her about the risks - she had insisted there were none. Obviously, my DD paid the price when I backed down.

Oh and I did contact the hospital a few months after it happened they sent a generic response saying the relevant team would address my concerns but they never did.

So she didn’t lie in her write up, you did have a discussion about the risks?

but you feel she said there weren’t any……did she actually say that or just that things were very unlikely to cause a problem? And that the benefit outweighed any risks? What was the medication?

Leakingtoilet · 02/04/2023 08:01

How long ago did this happen? I would go back to PALS and make a formal complaint, they are duty bound to provide you with a formal written response if that's what you request. However they will only address issues that occured within the last 12 months in this way. If it's longer than that they should be able to guide you in what they can do.

In your shoes I would definitely want this addressed properly by the hospital and have a clear explanation.

Please do not contact the doctor informally

Lougle · 02/04/2023 08:02

If it was an antibiotic such as vancomycin, yes the consequences can be life changing, but it's only given when the condition could be life ending. There are lots of 'limb or life' treatments and they are given with great caution and only when absolutely necessary.

I do understand though, that it didn't matter how small the risk was, for your baby it was 100%. That's so hard to cope with.

If you genuinely think there was negligence, you need to follow it up for your own closure.

QuintanaRoo · 02/04/2023 08:03

Have you looked the medication up and is it something which is standard treatment for that condition for children that age? If so maybe sadly your Dd was just very unlucky.

I guess anyone could have a reaction /unusual side effect to any medication, even over the counter basic stuff. Most known side effects will have a figure of how many in 1000 or how many in 10,000, etc will have this side effect.

what would the consequences of not having the medication be?

I’m a midwife and trying to think what medication in multiple doses might’ve been given to a newborn and the most common I can think of is IV antibiotics for a newborn, and then there is normally a good reason for giving them.

Dragonsandcats · 02/04/2023 08:04

Can you go back to PALS? I would definitely chase the hospital for answers.

Pasithean · 02/04/2023 08:06

Don’t bother. They will all lie leaving you heartbroken and a huge bill. I believe it’s part of their training to cover each other’s mistakes by lying and gaslighting.

Whataretheodds · 02/04/2023 08:09

MisschiefMaker · 02/04/2023 02:33

Kind of but i imagine I would just have the same conversation going round and round and not getting anywhere because, at the end of the day, what's done is done and I can't undo it so how can I ever feel better about it?

That's the whole point of counselling. It enables you to change the conversation in your head.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 02/04/2023 08:09

You cannot message him on LinkedIn or contact his family members. You have absolutely no right to do that. If you want to complain, do it through the proper channels.

Ducksinthebath · 02/04/2023 08:15

The next step is to follow up with PALS, not start a campaign of harassment against the doctor and even less so against their family. What do you honestly hope that will achieve other than damaging your position by making you look the bad guy?

CovertImage · 02/04/2023 08:17

DemonCopperhead · 02/04/2023 06:07

Your reluctance to confirm or deny if you’re thinking your child has a ‘vaccine injury’ confirms it

Why the hell should she confirm or deny stuff made up by PPs?

There's a revolting habit on MN to extrapolate all sorts of BS from the original post like it's the bloody Spanish Inquisition

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 02/04/2023 08:17

I have complete sympathy with you OP. My then teenage daughter was prescribed a medication to control a condition, 6 months of bouncing between hospitals until we got the UK’s top Professor in her disease. The hospitals were doing the bouncing as her illness was confounding them, one great Consultant said, “I haven’t the foggiest, but I know a man who will!” & referred us to the Professor, under whom he’s studied.

Unfortunately, the drugs had catastrophic side effects; the day we visited the Professor, they immediately admitted her as she was at risk of a stroke, heart attack & her endocrine system was at the point of collapse.

Of course, we were angry & upset with the plethora of different Doctors who had kept her on the medication. As parents of patients we put out trust in their knowledge & training.

When we requested her notes, there was a GP that had requested the medication be stopped, but this was overruled by the Consultant at one of the hospitals we’d been referred to.

This was over a decade ago, and as an adult she is still dealing with the damage it has caused. And, her illness is still not under control.

Of course we were angry. We went through the complaints procedure at the time, there were apologies, but at the end of the day we had to focus on our daughter & move her treatment forwards.

Focus on the now, not the past. Turn that anger into a a passionate, positive force to deal with the situation you’re in now. You can’t turn the clock back, and harassment charges will only make things worse.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 02/04/2023 08:21

MisschiefMaker · 02/04/2023 00:27

I can't imagine any scenario in which the hospital takes any complaint seriously. The Doctor lied in the write up to say she had discussed the risks with me. Actually, I had initially declined treatment because of the risks and asked her about the risks - she had insisted there were none. Obviously, my DD paid the price when I backed down.

Oh and I did contact the hospital a few months after it happened they sent a generic response saying the relevant team would address my concerns but they never did.

I made a complaint once to a hospital and it was taken very seriously, changes where made and a doctor lost his job. If its a genuine serious complaint it will be investigated properly and action will be taken. Don't under any circumstances contact the medical professional yourself, go through the proper channels

Notagiftiwanted · 02/04/2023 08:24

Go to PALS and make a formal complaint BUT get your dd notes FIRST

Medical records are ‘lost’ or tampered with in many cases so get those first and go from there

Wowzel · 02/04/2023 08:34

I think people are getting PALS and the formal complaints procedures mixed up.

PALS are for informally resolving an issue, with a brief response or a phone call.

A formal complaint to the complaints team will get you a better response OP.

GoodChat · 02/04/2023 08:36

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 02/04/2023 08:09

You cannot message him on LinkedIn or contact his family members. You have absolutely no right to do that. If you want to complain, do it through the proper channels.

OP repeatedly uses her and she in the OP.

Albiboba · 02/04/2023 08:37

If there was “nothing wrong with her” why was your daughter under medical care in the first place?

Do not contact the dr. Definitely don’t contact her family members.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 02/04/2023 08:38

I think you need to discuss this with people who can help in RL - so much to unpack here and practical things you or baby might need, which might actually include a formal complaint:

https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk

Also look into PTSD.

Home - Birth Trauma Association

The Birth Trauma Association (BTA) supports all women who have had a traumatic birth experience. It is estimated that, in the UK alone, this may result in 10,000 women a year developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/