To be upset DH won't let me read his diary?

[wonderingoff]

DH has been keeping a diary that I wasn't even aware of for the last 3 weeks, so quite a new thing. Never once mentioned he was going to start doing that and definitely has avoided writing in it when I've been around as I've never seen it! Only realised when trying to find something on his bedside table early this morning. He woke up to me basically about to have a look what it was and he was really defensive and told me to put it back. Felt a bit like I was dealing with a teenager to be honest, did put it back and asked him what it is and he just said it's a diary and he's just been jotting some things that go around in his head too much and I asked him what they were and that he can talk to me if something is wrong and he just said he doesn't really want to and so I asked if I could read it and he said no.

I don't know, it all seems quite strange to me and like it's surely something else and if it isn't and it is just that, I'm a bit concerned he can't just talk to me about some of these apparent insignificant worries? So I guess there's 2 AIBUs... AIBU to think he's probably hiding something else? And AIBU to be upset he won't let me know what these worries are?

I think an apology is important without getting caught up in how hurt you are. That would be you making an issue out of the diary and making his musings and writing about you. Privacy and trust are important and please don’t make your husband writing an issue between you. That in itself would challenge me and I’d be less likely to open up or share thoughts and musings.

I haven't got all the way through the thread but nobody so far has spotted "common" instead of 'come on'.

I know what you're saying, OP. You're upset because you've realised your husband is not comfortable talking to you about certain things, but you don't know what or why. I would probably feel a bit insecure about that too. But, yeah, like others have said, you don't have the right to know these private thoughts of his.

Just tell him you're sorry if it looked like you were snooping and that you hope writing his thoughts down is helping him to work through whatever he is going through. Then drop it.

You keep saying you wrote your post or title wrong, but even when focused on the question whether your husband should share his worries with you rather than keep them to himself I think YABU.

My husband kept a diary for years. I think he's stopped now, but perhaps he still writes in it occasionally. I've never read them. He's entitled to his private worries and space to reflect.

Nah you can't do that!

You’re getting these responses because of the title of your post. If you had said “My DH has recently started writing a private diary and I am worried something is very wrong” you’d have had an entirely different experience. at least half the posters would be assuming another woman was involved.

As it is, the first impression everyone is getting is of someone who thinks she’s entitled to her husband’s private thoughts.

@wonderingoff I think you are getting a very hard time on here.

Let's remove the word 'diary'. In essence you are saying that you are worried about your DP who has started to struggle with thoughts he doesn't want to discuss with you.

We are in a world where we are constantly reminded about mental health issues and watching out for each other. I've lost people to suicide. Make it clear to your DP that if he is just keeping a journal, no worries. But if he his having troublesome thoughts to suggest he sees a therapist if he can't talk to you about them.

Oh dear @wonderingoff you'd have been better off with a different title (which you've already acknowledged) and posting in Relationships rather than AIBU. But to answer your questions:

AIBU to be upset DH won't let me read his diary?
Well you're not being unreasonable to feel upset, but you were being unrealistic to think he'd let you read it, for reasons people have stated

AIBU to think he's probably hiding something else?
YANBU to think he's hiding something, but that doesn't mean it's anything bad. He's totally reasonable to want to write his innermost thoughts down without anyone reading them.

AIBU to be upset he won't let me know what these worries are?
YANBU to hope your husband would feel able to share his concerns with you, whether it's about the relationship or something totally unrelated.
As a PP said, it's similar to if our partners suddenly said they were going for counselling. I bet the normal reaction amongst MNers would be to wonder what the reason was and then be worried. However, he may not be writing concerns, he may just be using it to mull things over, to get creative thoughts out of his head. Who knows.

How is your relationship normally and how is communication?

@wonderingoff sorry you are getting such a hard time on here. I understand what you mean about being worried - the fact that you didn't know he was keeping a diary and that he has these worries / thoughts that he hasn't shared with you.

I do think though that now that you do know you just have to respect his privacy and not ask him anymore about it and see if he does share things with you. If he doesn't that is his choice and hopefully the diary will help him.

No I didn't apologise to be honest, but clearly I maybe should. This thread has obviously made me realise I've been in the wrong with some of it but I do think people are taking it the wrong way and jumping at me because of the title that I didn't know how to phrase.

I think it's sad people are still picking at spelling. Are you aware some reasons why people may not spell things correctly? English isn't even my native language but I accept that isn't actually an excuse in this case considering I'm aware of my errors when pointed out and have obviously been using English the most my whole life. Just saying there's plenty reasons people may not spell correctly and it's a shame that people feel the need to laugh at it.

If he hadn’t woken up you were going to look at it, so you were going to go through it freely.

OP you're getting a bit of a pasting. As you may have gathered (!) yes, YABU for wanting to read his diary. You sound really baffled as to why it's a big deal, but as many posters have said, it's really important to have a space where you can jot down private thoughts and feelings. You've said that you'd hope/expect that he'd confide in you if he had worries. Maybe he will at some point. Writing a diary can help people gather their thoughts and get them ready for actually talking about. On the other hand maybe he won't, and that's fine too.

My own personal experience is that I don't always want to share my worries with others, as sometimes I can find their responses too overbearing. Like I'm then having to deal with their feelings as well as my own. Also sometimes they go into fixing mode, which isn't always what I want (or indeed possible). And sometimes my worries are very small/daft and it's just a bit embarrassing to share them.

Anyway if I was in your DH's shoes, I would appreciate a cast iron promise that you will never look in the diary, and an offer to be a listening ear if he ever wants to talk about stuff. And then leave it at that.

I agree the teasing on spelling is not on. I have dyslexia and often misspell words or write them in the wrong order by grammar rules.

You lack of self-awareness and respect for boundaries is really quite astonishing, OP.

My mum just to read my diary and I feel really strongly that diaries are private and no he shouldn’t have to tell you everything going on in his head. You maybe worded your post wrong but you did say you were about to read it, and you asked him if you could read it, so you wanted to read it. Maybe there is stuff going on, in his head. He’s clearly not having an affair and writing it all down where you can see it. Respect his wishes to have a bit of privacy

YABU. It’s private. I would only look if you suspected he was having an affair, and even then I think he’d be unlikely to write that down.

Keeping a diary is an excellent pastime, which is sadly dying out.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time OP but people do keep diaries for a lot of reasons.

My DH bought me one for Xmas one year as I asked for it. I put mundane stuff in it but it was also useful when I was stressed about my mum (who had dementia) and didn't want to discuss things but needed to have a moan. So I moaned to the diary.

I also put things about how annoying DH or DS were sometimes. Things I wouldn't have said to them because I was too annoyed. Writing them down helped me look back and see I'd over reacted or that, yes, they needed to be spoken to now I'd calmed down. It was like a little release valve.

I'd have hated it if DH or DS had read my thoughts. It was my way of sorting through the emotion to the crux of the problem so I could word things properly. Nothing to worry about and no need to talk it through endlessly.

I'd have approached it as 'oh that's fine. Well, I'm here to talk and, if you can't talk to me, there are other people. Just don't fester on worries love'. And left it at that.

I can't understand though, how you didn't know it was a diary. Was it just a book? Didn't have diary written on it?

You just have to trust your DH in this. Diaries can be really useful for getting crap out of your head and sort through it all. Yes, he could have worries in it. But equally he could just have thoughts and wishes about his life.

And do make sure you apologise for overdoing the 'talk to me' bit. That way he probably will talk to you if you stop being so intense about it.

And thank you for the very kind responses to my post. 💐

Whoah!!! Of COURSE you can't read his diary!! Thats the ultimate invasion of privacy! My then-fiance did that once and I was mortified. He said it was because he was worried about me - which he was - but I felt completely betrayed. A diary is therapeutic and a way of expressing and working through innermost thoughts. Would you share with your husband every single innermost thought, filter-free?? Please apologise to him and let him know he has nothing to worry about.

I truly believe that our partners do not need to know everything about us, and vice Verda. Some things can remain private and unspoken. There’s things that I would never tell my partner, but then these things do not or will not impact our shared life together. We don’t have to tell each every thing.

The fact you were going to go ahead and read it before he woke up is where I'm uncomfortable. A man reading a woman's private diary while she's asleep would be torn a new arsehole on here. I'd imagine he will move it now.

The problem with a diary is it is unfiltered, it might not even be your true thoughts and wanting to vent or process something, so it should never be read by someone else as it is bound to be misinterpreted

Most people have little niggles and worries , it doesn't mean they're always big enough to confide in , because they're private . I'm sure DH would share any important worries with you .

Just go and apologise to him OP, and never ever take a look.

It's like taking a shit. You know he does it but you don't have the right to watch him doing it.

Gosh, OP, how dare you?

Much as we want to, we don't read other people's diaries - not even those of our teenage children.