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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DH won't let me read his diary?

302 replies

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:24

DH has been keeping a diary that I wasn't even aware of for the last 3 weeks, so quite a new thing. Never once mentioned he was going to start doing that and definitely has avoided writing in it when I've been around as I've never seen it! Only realised when trying to find something on his bedside table early this morning. He woke up to me basically about to have a look what it was and he was really defensive and told me to put it back. Felt a bit like I was dealing with a teenager to be honest, did put it back and asked him what it is and he just said it's a diary and he's just been jotting some things that go around in his head too much and I asked him what they were and that he can talk to me if something is wrong and he just said he doesn't really want to and so I asked if I could read it and he said no.

I don't know, it all seems quite strange to me and like it's surely something else and if it isn't and it is just that, I'm a bit concerned he can't just talk to me about some of these apparent insignificant worries? So I guess there's 2 AIBUs... AIBU to think he's probably hiding something else? And AIBU to be upset he won't let me know what these worries are?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 02/04/2023 10:57

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:30

I didn't mean it like that!!!

I just meant if he has said it's his worries, I'm his wife and I am concerned and would like him to feel like he can tell me what they are. I felt like if he maybe didn't want to but obviously preferred to write them, maybe I could read it. I should probably have asked the question differently

Ask it any way you like. Your husband is entitled to his privacy.

If he wants to talk to you he will but if this is how he wants to approach worries that's down to him.

Keep out and don't badger him about it

NotAnotherPylon · 02/04/2023 11:00

weleasewoderick23 · 02/04/2023 08:58

Btw, it's drawer not draw 🙄

It's ok, that's already been pointed out by a few other arseholes.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 02/04/2023 11:08

And this is why I have never and will never write down anything I'm not happy other people knowing.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/04/2023 11:14

Absolutely nothing to do with you. Everyone has their own private thoughts and worries that they don't share with others, even their partner. Just because he writes them down doesn't mean you have the right to know about them.

How would you feel about him reading through your Mumsnet account?

CustardySergeant · 02/04/2023 12:07

Fizzadora "Well it's secrets isn't it OP? You are supposed to be a partnership and not have secrets. You are supposed to be able to work things out together.
Have to say if my DH decided he wanted to have privacy for his secrets that actually need writing down then he can fuck right off and do it by himself. I don't want to be married to him."

I find this shocking tbh. You would actually divorce him for writing down his feelings and thoughts and wanting to keep them private. You don't own him.

L3ThirtySeven · 02/04/2023 12:10

CustardySergeant · 02/04/2023 12:07

Fizzadora "Well it's secrets isn't it OP? You are supposed to be a partnership and not have secrets. You are supposed to be able to work things out together.
Have to say if my DH decided he wanted to have privacy for his secrets that actually need writing down then he can fuck right off and do it by himself. I don't want to be married to him."

I find this shocking tbh. You would actually divorce him for writing down his feelings and thoughts and wanting to keep them private. You don't own him.

Similarly shocked and a sign of a coercive and controlling relationship to threaten breaking up if the person desires any basic privacy at all.

NewLifter · 02/04/2023 12:19

I cannot imagine waking up in the middle of the night to find DH poking in my bedside cabinet and about to read my diary! Wow! Of course YABU in here, massively so. DH is entitled to have private thoughts that he is not obliged to share, even with his wife. I am honestly completely shocked that you think what you did was ok! If I were your DH, I would struggle to forgive you to be honest.

AgentJohnson · 02/04/2023 12:45

The problem isn’t that you’re worried about him being worried, it’s that you think that you are entitled to know when he clearly isn’t ready to tell you. Dismissing his right to privacy as ‘teenage’, may or may not go some way to explaining why he isn’t ready to share.

My advice, back the hell off.

nomoremerlot · 03/04/2023 05:09

L3ThirtySeven · 02/04/2023 10:08

@speakout
My mum did that too. Stole my diary. I knew she’d taken it. Next thing I knew I’m sitting on the stairs while she is having an adult dinner party and they’re all drunk. She starts reading choice bits from my diary to entertain her friends. They’re all in gales of laughter over my notes about this boy I had a crush on, my worries about the Falklands war and so on. I was sat on the top of the stairs, unnoticed hugging myself with tears streaming down my face trying to tell myself to get angry and go down and snatch the diary off her.

Your mother was tidally out of order. I'm skirt that happened to you.

emptythelitterbox · 03/04/2023 05:18

Do you really not know it's not ok to read someone else's diary or other things they have lying around?

Did you have no privacy or respect of your boundaries as a child?

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 03/04/2023 06:03

I've RTWT so want to be gentle in my comment.
I think any notebook that is in his drawer should be private so even if you didn't know what it was I'd think there wasnt a need to look at it. If you were looking for a notebook to use and remember seeing one there then of course have a look to see if it's anything important before using it. But I think the contents of someone's 'home areas' should be private.

My XH would really invade my privacy and couldn't understand or respect boundaries. It can be difficult to deal with on the receiving end and feels like a huge violation. I know that you've picked that up already through the pp.

CoalCraft · 03/04/2023 06:19

I understand OP, you are upset that he'd worried about things and doesn't want to tell you what. I think that would upset me too, but I'd know I was being unreasonable as DH isn't obliged to tell me everything that's on his mind. There are certainly things I fret about that I don't tell DH about, mostly because they're so trivial I'd feel a bit silly bringing them up.

speakout · 03/04/2023 07:51

CoalCraft · 03/04/2023 06:19

I understand OP, you are upset that he'd worried about things and doesn't want to tell you what. I think that would upset me too, but I'd know I was being unreasonable as DH isn't obliged to tell me everything that's on his mind. There are certainly things I fret about that I don't tell DH about, mostly because they're so trivial I'd feel a bit silly bringing them up.

We all deserve privacy.

I am in therapy at the moment, and don't discuss it with my OH. Similarly I know very traumatic things happened to him as a child- but he wouldn't want to talk about that to me.

CustardySergeant · 03/04/2023 11:57

nomoremerlot "Your mother was tidally out of order. I'm skirt that happened to you."

Back on the merlot already, nomoremerlot? 😉

Cherrysoup · 03/04/2023 12:19

YABVU, obviously and it’s drawer.

EnVogue · 03/04/2023 13:12

I don't think OP meant to come across as entitled in any way, I think she is worried that her husband can't speak to her rather than write down his thoughts in a diary.
OP - I would say as someone who likes to journal/diary write that sometimes writing things down does help a lot, even if you have no intention to verbalise the thoughts to anyone, it's just a way to offload your brain contents.
I would probably apologise to your husband and let him know you're there if he wants to talk at any time but understand the reasonings behind his diary.

Fatmamslim · 03/04/2023 13:32

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:28

I guess I wasn't implying I should be allowed to freely go through his things and I obviously wouldn't but I suppose I'm upset I can't know what those worries he writes down are... and was so secretive about it

But you were going to, had he not woken up..give the man some privacy ffs.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/04/2023 14:19

EnVogue · 03/04/2023 13:12

I don't think OP meant to come across as entitled in any way, I think she is worried that her husband can't speak to her rather than write down his thoughts in a diary.
OP - I would say as someone who likes to journal/diary write that sometimes writing things down does help a lot, even if you have no intention to verbalise the thoughts to anyone, it's just a way to offload your brain contents.
I would probably apologise to your husband and let him know you're there if he wants to talk at any time but understand the reasonings behind his diary.

You don’t think she meant to come across as entitled? She said he was behaving like a teenager and she hasn’t apologised to him… it doesn’t get much more entitled sounding really.

IfuWannaBmyLover · 03/04/2023 14:26

… what?? You sound really needy and controlling over this

leave him alone. He’s allowed privacy.

IfuWannaBmyLover · 03/04/2023 14:27

L3ThirtySeven · 02/04/2023 12:10

Similarly shocked and a sign of a coercive and controlling relationship to threaten breaking up if the person desires any basic privacy at all.

Show quote history

I’m also shocked and disgusted

FlugelHugel · 03/04/2023 14:45

I have kept a journal since 1995 - it is a way to process things that happen to me, past traumas and sometimes just day to day niggles. It is a record of the moment in time that I write it but sometimes, when I am letting off steam, it isn't reflective of how I think about things on the whole - just how I felt in that moment.

To the OP, I just want to make 2 points:

  1. It is a total violation of someone's privacy to read their diary/ journal. Those words aren't for you.
  2. I can pretty much guarantee that if you do choose to read the diary, you are going to read something you don't like. Because it wasn't meant for your eyes. And when you do read something you don't like/ that upsets you, what are you going to do? Admit to you DH that you have violated his privacy or keep it to yourself and allow it to eat away at you instead?
IndysMamaRex · 03/04/2023 16:14

Is it acceptable to go through his phone? Check his messages? No. The diary is the same. Partner or not you are both permitted to privacy.

and if you ever happen to come across it. Back away

Mamma2017 · 03/04/2023 21:40

CinnamonJellyBeans · 02/04/2023 00:10

Some of these replies are very harsh. Of course, it is never acceptable to read or ask to read someone's diary, but some of these replies are pretty vile.

OP: You may be feeling left out that he hasn't shared his worries with you, but he hasn't found another person to share with, nor is he necessarily withdrawing from you. It's healthy for people to keep a diary so they can process and rationalise how they feel and it's good that he's doing this for himself.

Maybe buy him a diary with a lock, so you and he know that his private diary will remain that way.

The only reply on here worth reading OP. Loads of touchy & nasty responses from people absolutely blindly not seeing past you dern dern derrrrrn nearly read his diary** clearly a lot of transference going to their own fears! So touchy! Makes me laugh on here sometimes. Yeh it’s wrong to read someone diary of course but that’s not what I get from this. I can’t see how people are not understanding what you have clearly expressed- you are a little upset that he may have worries he can’t talk to you about. That’s the crux of what I hear you saying. Not that you just fancied a nosy. But like this person here says just be reassured that he is most likely using a healthy tool to process his thoughts & feelings so they’re are on paper & not just swirling around in his mind. It could just be little things. Maybe there’s a lot of them & he’s just helping himself not be overwhelmed. I’m sure he would come to you if something was really bothering him and the most important thing is he knows you are there for him if he needed to, no pressure.

ohdamnitjanet · 04/04/2023 05:40

Is everyone missing the point here? Of course you shouldn’t read someone’s diary, blah blah blah. But she is worried there is something wrong. And quite honestly if my DH started to write one out of the blue I would be deeply suspicious, apart from concerned. And if I started to write one, that was secret for whatever reason, I wouldn’t leave it lying around. And really, have none of you never even sneaked a look at a text that’s come in on someone’s phone to see who it is?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/04/2023 06:06

And if I started to write one, that was secret for whatever reason, I wouldn’t leave it lying around.

in what world is having something in the drawer of his bedside table leaving it “lying around”?