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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DH won't let me read his diary?

302 replies

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:24

DH has been keeping a diary that I wasn't even aware of for the last 3 weeks, so quite a new thing. Never once mentioned he was going to start doing that and definitely has avoided writing in it when I've been around as I've never seen it! Only realised when trying to find something on his bedside table early this morning. He woke up to me basically about to have a look what it was and he was really defensive and told me to put it back. Felt a bit like I was dealing with a teenager to be honest, did put it back and asked him what it is and he just said it's a diary and he's just been jotting some things that go around in his head too much and I asked him what they were and that he can talk to me if something is wrong and he just said he doesn't really want to and so I asked if I could read it and he said no.

I don't know, it all seems quite strange to me and like it's surely something else and if it isn't and it is just that, I'm a bit concerned he can't just talk to me about some of these apparent insignificant worries? So I guess there's 2 AIBUs... AIBU to think he's probably hiding something else? And AIBU to be upset he won't let me know what these worries are?

OP posts:
704703hey · 02/04/2023 06:26

Just say sorry and that you didn't mean to invade his privacy.

Ignore some of the more strident comments on here.

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/04/2023 06:27

Journaling is a completely different process to telling someone what’s on our mind. I’ve always kept a journal sometimes it’s old stuff I’m trying to work through, sometimes it’s day to day stuff I need to park for a while, sometimes it’s stuff I don’t want to talk to anyone about, sometimes it’s stuff I’m frankly bored talking about.

Wanting to know his worries is fine, any concerned parter would want to know if their other half was stressed about something, but that doesn’t give you the right to know, nor does it mean he’s withholding if he doesn’t tell you.

I’d be deeply unimpressed if I woke to find someone about to look in my journal, if you didn’t know what it was but knew it wasn’t yours you should have left it and maybe asked about it. That’s basic courtesy - my kids even know not to look in a notebook that isn’t theirs.

Zipettydooda · 02/04/2023 06:30

YABU
a diary is the most private documentation of own thoughts and absolutely none of your business and you’re treating him like a child.

FLDS · 02/04/2023 06:33

He's allowed privacy. Including having private thoughts and worries. Your comment about wanting to know what they are so you can try and help is probably why he doesn't want to talk to you about it. Sometimes there's nothing worse than having someone try to 'solve' our worries. I doubt there's anything you could say that he hasn't already thought of so you'd probably just get pissed off with each other.

Leave him be. If he wants to talk about with you, he will. Right now he doesn't.

Shoxfordian · 02/04/2023 06:34

Yabu op, he’s entitled to his own private thoughts and to express them without you reading it - have you never even heard of a diary? They’re supposed to be private!

loislovesstewie · 02/04/2023 06:42

My husband died last year; he kept a diary for every year since he was 21. I threw them all out and destroyed them without reading any. All 45 of them.They were his private thoughts and I felt that they should remain that way.

mamabear199 · 02/04/2023 06:54

Ffs let the man process his anxieties and worries in private and in peace.

Have you ever considered your meddling might be contributing to his anxieties?!

RicchT · 02/04/2023 06:59

Absolutely none of your business. At all.

You are being incredibly unreasonable and that is not on.

GiltEdges · 02/04/2023 07:09

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:44

That's why I said I should probably have worded the title differently. It's hard to know how to break down the post into a title. That is my bad and I realised that after those first replies getting it wrong!

Well the bedside table has a draw yes

No it doesn't, it has a drawer.

MagpieSong · 02/04/2023 07:13

wonderingoff · 02/04/2023 00:42

No but if he randomly said he was going to counselling, I'd probably ask what's brought that on, especially if he told me there was a reason and yeah, I would find it hard if he just said he wasn't telling me.

I'm genuinely more surprised that people think this is a reverse, a troll, I'm an awful person, he should divorce me. All because I wanted to know what the worries were that my husband wanted to keep from me

I think he’d need to explain why he was seeking counselling. A marriage or partnership is supposed to be a close supportive relationship. However, that’s very different to a journal. A journal is your inner most thoughts and does not always reflect long term stuff. It can be stuff you know deep down is incorrect and are trying to work through. For someone else to read it, they can get the wrong idea, it can cause tension where there really doesn’t need to be. Equally, it can contain things you simply wouldn’t tell other people - good and bad. For all you know, he’s written about a specific gift he wants to give you or a plan for something to do together. It’s an extension of the person’s mind, so it’s just not appropriate to share.

My husband once read my journal. I haven’t kept one since and used to journal regularly since childhood. It can be a really damaging move and difficult for the person to overcome, as you then don’t feel safe putting those things on paper again. It’s also an incredibly effective way of working through feelings, developing empathy, trying to understand yourself and how you and other relate to the world around you and managing all sorts of problems. If you’re concerned, just speak to him. Reading his journal is never ok.

PrincessArora · 02/04/2023 07:14

Are you actually 12? I can’t imagine asking to read my husbands private diary then asking a bunch of strangers if I was unreasonable - yes you are.

usernamechanged1 · 02/04/2023 07:15

If you were a man wanting to read his wife’s diary, you’d be accused of coercive control.

nomoremerlot · 02/04/2023 07:19

usernamechanged1 · 02/04/2023 07:15

If you were a man wanting to read his wife’s diary, you’d be accused of coercive control.

And it can also be the other way round as well.

TotallyLosttonight · 02/04/2023 07:21

wonderingoff · 02/04/2023 00:42

No but if he randomly said he was going to counselling, I'd probably ask what's brought that on, especially if he told me there was a reason and yeah, I would find it hard if he just said he wasn't telling me.

I'm genuinely more surprised that people think this is a reverse, a troll, I'm an awful person, he should divorce me. All because I wanted to know what the worries were that my husband wanted to keep from me

OP I think people are getting hung up on the diary thing. It’s new for him, you asked about it and if you could read it, he said no, fair enough. I hear what you say about feeling like if there is something troubling him you feel like you should know. Does he usually talk to you about stuff? How is your relationship generally?

GoodChat · 02/04/2023 07:22

OP how would you feel if he started looking through your phone with the excuse that he thought you might have told your friends some of your worries but not him?

That's exactly what it is. An excuse. To invade his privacy.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 02/04/2023 07:31

Now that you know that he is not ready to share his worries with you, you need to let it go.

I think you got some harsh replies. You didn't know what it was when you were about to read it. But now that you know and he doesn't want to share it with you, you would be very unreasonable to push him.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/04/2023 07:38

For crying out loud!

Dairies are PRIVATE - I used to empty all of my positive and negative emotions into time. It was cathartic - and often I would pout out stuff I was worried or angry about, but that I didn't want to share, and just getting it on the page helped me cope with it.

Leave the man alone.

piedbeauty · 02/04/2023 07:41

Jesus, stop it! He is allowed to have his own thoughts and you are NOT allowed to read his diary.

Why are you assuming that anything he has written is about you or affects you?

RogersOrganismicProcess · 02/04/2023 07:42

loislovesstewie · 02/04/2023 06:42

My husband died last year; he kept a diary for every year since he was 21. I threw them all out and destroyed them without reading any. All 45 of them.They were his private thoughts and I felt that they should remain that way.

I’m sorry for your loss 💐

Managing to throw away his diaries at such a difficult time shows a real strength of character and a deep respect and love for your DH.

nomoremerlot · 02/04/2023 07:43

loislovesstewie · 02/04/2023 06:42

My husband died last year; he kept a diary for every year since he was 21. I threw them all out and destroyed them without reading any. All 45 of them.They were his private thoughts and I felt that they should remain that way.

What a wonderful respectful person Flowers

speakout · 02/04/2023 07:45

OP I am with the others.
I keep a journal- it is for my own eyes only.

Phoebo · 02/04/2023 07:47

loislovesstewie · 02/04/2023 06:42

My husband died last year; he kept a diary for every year since he was 21. I threw them all out and destroyed them without reading any. All 45 of them.They were his private thoughts and I felt that they should remain that way.

Sorry for your loss. You are an amazing person 💕

Lwrenagain · 02/04/2023 07:47

saraclara · 01/04/2023 23:28

Wow. I'd be incandescent with fury if anyone read my diary. How even DARE you?

Absolutely this 👌

Ilkleymoor · 02/04/2023 07:47

I write down prompts for trying to write short stories again. I would be very upset if my partner read them and it might embarrass me into not writing again.

Why do you need him to 'prove' your role by telling you everything? Would be a good idea to work through why this was your reaction

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 02/04/2023 07:50

Your husband's response is normal and mature, also he is entitled to privacy. Your actions show a total lack of respect for him by wanting to snoop and invade his privacy. Instead of showing some empathy that he clearly has a lot on his mind, you dismiss and belittle him by comparing him to a teenager, and you wonder why he might not want to confide in you?

Huge red flags for your behavior. This would not be tolerated by you if he behaved this way. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

YABVVVVVVVVVU.