To be upset DH won't let me read his diary?

[wonderingoff]

DH has been keeping a diary that I wasn't even aware of for the last 3 weeks, so quite a new thing. Never once mentioned he was going to start doing that and definitely has avoided writing in it when I've been around as I've never seen it! Only realised when trying to find something on his bedside table early this morning. He woke up to me basically about to have a look what it was and he was really defensive and told me to put it back. Felt a bit like I was dealing with a teenager to be honest, did put it back and asked him what it is and he just said it's a diary and he's just been jotting some things that go around in his head too much and I asked him what they were and that he can talk to me if something is wrong and he just said he doesn't really want to and so I asked if I could read it and he said no.

I don't know, it all seems quite strange to me and like it's surely something else and if it isn't and it is just that, I'm a bit concerned he can't just talk to me about some of these apparent insignificant worries? So I guess there's 2 AIBUs... AIBU to think he's probably hiding something else? And AIBU to be upset he won't let me know what these worries are?

We're in a time where dealing with mental health has never been so important, and male suicide is at an all time high. For whatever reason your OH has feelings, thoughts, ponderings, that's he's being proactive in wanting to process. And he's doing this by writing them down. Bravo to your husband for actively dealing with stuff rather than bottling it all up.

If he was going down the pub once a week to discuss things over a pint with his mate would you want to go too, because he was choosing to confide in someone who wasn't you?

YABVU. It doesn't matter how you ask the question, its you getting a bee in your bonnet he won't spill the contents of his head with you.

You've reassured him he can talk to you if needed. Leave him be now. Support him by accepting the perfectly normal way he has chosen to deal with his emotions. If you continue badgering him it'll just be another stressor.

The “worries” he have may even not be that big but people are still entitled to privacy. They are also not entitled to know everyone’s darkest thoughts. For example. I had a drink problem. Obviously my husband knows this, albeit I hid it well, I told him when I stopped drinking. When I was a year sober I wrote a long story about my drinking and quitting and password protected it on the iPad. He was a bit peeved I wouldn’t let him see it but it really wasn’t for his eyes. It wasn’t anything bad but it was intensely personal and I would have been really angry if he’d read it.

Journalling is now quite a common thing that lots of people do and keep private. As for people getting at you, people have taken your post as how you put it and you only explained further later.

put it out of your head and don’t try to read it again.

Or they have but they're not a dick and understand that some people in this world are dyslexic... or English isn't their first language... or God forbid it's an autocorrect fumble which can trip up anyone.

OP, I get what you mean although I can see why people are interpreting your post to mean you just want to have a sneaky read of his diary (which as you know by now, YABU) It's absolutely okay for your partner to want to share his thoughts on page and not with you, perhaps he needs to write them down first and if that does give him satisfaction, then he'll come to you. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to share things with you, it just means he doesn't need to at this point.

I don't talk to my partner about every little worry I have. He has enough on his plate without me adding to it so sometimes I journal and that gives me the release I need. Sometimes by writing down a problem, it helps give a solution.

I would just be supportive and reassure your partner that you're here if he does feel like sharing but that you're glad he's able to right them down and vent in a healthy way.

YABU, one of my DS keeps a journal and had done for quite some time, I wouldn’t ever dream of reading it, it’s private.

Picking on spelling isn't one, but perhaps the reason your getting such a hard time is because you kept doubling down on why you couldn't possibly be in the wrong about wanting to read his diary (you found it shut away in a draw whilst he was asleep). You owe your husband an apology and going forward he is entitled to privacy.

Btw, it's drawer not draw 🙄

*isn't on!

I can’t be bothered to read past the first page of knee-jerk vitriol but just wanted to say @wonderingoff that I understood your point of view right from the beginning. And I agree that I would be worried if my partner out of the blue started writing something down and wasn’t able to tell me about it. Of course he is entitled to keep a private diary, but any normal person would be a little concerned and worried about their partner’s wellbeing in this scenario

Completely on DH side. You have no right to read his diary

YABVU. Massively so. Journalling can be a great way of decluttering the mind. He doesn't need or want anyone to intrude on those thoughts, not even his wife. Please respect him. Please understand that you are currently trying to make this all about you and your wants and your lack of understanding. You need to stop fixating on this.

Diaries are private. End of story.

I have kept journals for about 4 years. My wife would never dream of looking at them. I often leave my current one lying around and I trust completely that it will not be opened.

I also see a therapist. I’m not expected to tell my wife what I discuss. She will sometimes ask how it went, and sometimes I will talk to her about the same stuff, but it’s not an expectation.

Genuinely can’t believe anybody would think the way you do.

I have a feeling you're going to sneakily read it anyway op. Don't let the curiosity in you ruin your relationship. Thoughts and feelings are private until someone decides to share them with you.

YABVVVVU. In fact I’m so incensed I’m thinking how dare you?! If he was seeing a therapist would you ask him to record each session and let you listen. I respect your DH for his journaling. And for taking steps to take care of himself.

I have therapy and my DH asks nothing about it. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong to go for therapy you know that?

Why would you be worried if your partner started writing a diary or journal?

People use writing in many different ways, and even if you read it may not get a true or accurate representation of how someone feels.
Some people use writing as a way of venting feelings or anger.
They may be really happy for 95% of the time, but write to release negative emotions- anyone reading such a journal will get a very skewed picture of a life, believing them to be really unhappy- when in fact they are very happy, just write to vent.

I have only just started keeping a journal, as a teen my mother would hunt down my diaries, even broke a lock on one, then teased me about the information she read.
I was hurt, humiliated, it was a massive intrusion, and stopped me writing down my feelings for many years.
A private diary is just that- private.

@speakout my mother read my diary as a teen too, then got my whole family together to discuss the contents. I never forgave her for that.

No I didn't apologise to be honest, but clearly I maybe should. This thread has obviously made me realise I've been in the wrong with some of it but I do think people are taking it the wrong way and jumping at me because of the title that I didn't know how to phrase.

I don't think anyone believes that it was a failure to phrase the title properly. It's very obvious that your comments about not having meant it the way it sounded are just you backtracking because you immediately realised everyone agreed you were in the wrong.

I think people also find it very hard to believe your justification that you only want to read it because you're worried about him and want to help him with his problems. Surely you can understand that some people might find it helpful to get everyday worries and thoughts down on paper to free headspace and help them think through them? That doesn't mean they 'need help'. You're just being nosy.

@speakout
My mum did that too. Stole my diary. I knew she’d taken it. Next thing I knew I’m sitting on the stairs while she is having an adult dinner party and they’re all drunk. She starts reading choice bits from my diary to entertain her friends. They’re all in gales of laughter over my notes about this boy I had a crush on, my worries about the Falklands war and so on. I was sat on the top of the stairs, unnoticed hugging myself with tears streaming down my face trying to tell myself to get angry and go down and snatch the diary off her.

Because if your partner suddenly for the first time ever starts a diary and tells you there are various thoughts or worries going round in his head that he can’t stop thinking about, it is natural to be concerned about them and see if you can help. Of course you can’t read their diary, or demand that they open up to you in conversation. But I think it would be very strange to not to have even the slightest concern for them. Seems like people have got too fixated on the issue of potential invasion of privacy to see the bigger picture.

You can be worried about someone without using it as an excuse to want to read their diary and be upset and unapologetic that you're not allowed. It is an unforgivable breach of privacy.

My ex read my diaries, I kept one religiously from 15-18 and then periodically until I met him at 25. It annoyed me but it didn't worry me or ruin my life, it did however ruin his, he was obsessed with everything I'd written and made him terribly insecure. His behaviour then killed the relationship, I was happy, he was distraught. Be careful when snooping!

I have a diary that I use to figure out my own thoughts and feelings, especially if I feel like maybe I'm having an emotional reaction to something but I don't understand why, or I suspect I might not be being entirely rational in my thought processes. If through journaling I find there's a genuine issue (doesn't have to be anything to do with my relationship) I'll talk to my partner about it, once I've figured out what I'm actually dealing with. If it's just a "me" problem I'll sort it out for myself.

I understand that you'd worry that your husband is dealing with things alone, but he's allowed to work things out for himself and then decide if he wants to discuss or not. There's every chance that he will talk to you if he's dealing with a problem, but he's using his diary to get clarity on it for himself before he tries to talk.

YABU. Mind your own bloody business! I've kept a diary on and off for years. If DH wanted to read it and then got pissed off if I said no, I'd tell him where to go.

No op i dont tell my dh all my thoughts and worries its for me-if there was something wrong with my marriage then yes in time
but its still a private diary that you cant insist on reading