Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DH won't let me read his diary?

302 replies

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:24

DH has been keeping a diary that I wasn't even aware of for the last 3 weeks, so quite a new thing. Never once mentioned he was going to start doing that and definitely has avoided writing in it when I've been around as I've never seen it! Only realised when trying to find something on his bedside table early this morning. He woke up to me basically about to have a look what it was and he was really defensive and told me to put it back. Felt a bit like I was dealing with a teenager to be honest, did put it back and asked him what it is and he just said it's a diary and he's just been jotting some things that go around in his head too much and I asked him what they were and that he can talk to me if something is wrong and he just said he doesn't really want to and so I asked if I could read it and he said no.

I don't know, it all seems quite strange to me and like it's surely something else and if it isn't and it is just that, I'm a bit concerned he can't just talk to me about some of these apparent insignificant worries? So I guess there's 2 AIBUs... AIBU to think he's probably hiding something else? And AIBU to be upset he won't let me know what these worries are?

OP posts:
DannyZukosSmile · 02/04/2023 00:01

@wonderingoff

OK, let's play devil's advocate. So, you didn't know it was a diary and you were just curious as to what it was. Fairly OK. You saw something new and had a peek, and your husband said 'hey, it's my diary, and I have been keeping it for three weeks, and I didn't really want it out in the open that I was keeping a diary... (and that's why he didn't tell you...)

But the fact you say you're really upset that he 'won't let you read his diary,' (which was the title of your thread,) is the worrying and disturbing thing about this.......Not the fact that you saw something he had been writing in, and had a quick nosey (that is human nature!)

To be honest, if I had a quick nosey at something I had not seen before, and my husband said 'oi, that's my diary. I have started to write a diary!' I'd be mortified. I'd say 'oh my God, I'm so sorry!' Then I'd drop it and leave it.

I certainly wouldn't be saying 'why on earth won't you let me read it?' And writing a ranty thread on Mumsnet saying how about how miffed I am that my husband won't let me read his diary.

That's what it boils down to .... It is not the fact you just spotted something and had a cheeky look at it. It's the fact you're butthurt, that he does not want you to read his diary. Can you really not see wrong you are? EVERYONE here can see you are wrong, but you can't see any fault in yourself. You sound exhausting, and I feel exasperated just reading your posts. Heaven knows how your husband feels!

VioletViolets · 02/04/2023 00:01

Fizzadora · 01/04/2023 23:44

Well it's secrets isn't it OP? You are supposed to be a partnership and not have secrets. You are supposed to be able to work things out together.
Have to say if my DH decided he wanted to have privacy for his secrets that actually need writing down then he can fuck right off and do it by himself. I don't want to be married to him.
Of course he could be just writing down the measurements for his next DIY project or planning the logistics of a world cruise he's thinking about.
Or he could be suffering from memory loss and needs to write things down to remember them. I suppose that should be considered before divorce😁

You don’t think people can struggle with things they don’t want to confide in their partner?

OKFinally · 02/04/2023 00:01

EASTER HOLIDAYS people. Just saying…….

DannyZukosSmile · 02/04/2023 00:03

OKFinally · 02/04/2023 00:01

EASTER HOLIDAYS people. Just saying…….

What difference does it make that it's the Easter Holidays? Confused No school kids write/post on bloody mumsnet Where does this daft myth come from?!

Hawkins003 · 02/04/2023 00:04

OKFinally · 02/04/2023 00:01

EASTER HOLIDAYS people. Just saying…….

No shit Sherlock, besides I'm sure it would be the more educated types e.g. Oxbridge that would do these threads if any.

Original poster
wonderingoff · 02/04/2023 00:04

Yes I'm obviously a school child on Easter holidays? Like what are you even talking about.

As I say it's really less about being able to read the diary and more upset he won't share the worries with me.

If someone you cared and loved had worries and you knew they did, you wouldn't be a bit upset they won't share them with you so you can see if you can help? I made a mistake making it seem like I needed to have access to reading his personal things.

People are so picky though... sorry I used draw instead of drawer and used the word inspect.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 02/04/2023 00:05

@DannyZukosSmile to be strictly accurate almost everyone is appalled by the OP's attitude. One or two don't seem to see a problem with her expecting to read his diary and tell her all his thoughts 🙄

704703hey · 02/04/2023 00:06

You don't know that the diary is about worries though

Womencanlift · 02/04/2023 00:07

DannyZukosSmile · 02/04/2023 00:00

Why do people ALWAYS come out with this daft 'it's the school holidays' line?! Confused Why the fuck would kids/teenagers be on mumsnet posting ANYthing? It's not bloody schoolkids! I

I’ve always taken that comment to mean that the parents of kids have more time to troll because it’s the holidays rather than it actually being the kids themselves

highseas · 02/04/2023 00:07

I think you need to apologise, you've been really disrespectful.

Also it doesn't matter that you hadn't seen it before, it was in your DH bedside cabinet so you don't get to look through it. If it had been in a communal drawer and you didn't recognise it then yes it would be more natural to look and see what it was.

My DH often writes things down in notebooks that end up around the house. On occasion I'v opened up a notebook not realising he's used it. I'v not once read through them because it just feels so intrusive and rude.

I'm sure most people have worries, I do. If I wanted to share them, I would. Many people feel better for writing their worries down and I'm sure it's a fairly common thing to do.

TrainersAltonTowersWontKill · 02/04/2023 00:08

A Draw? 😏 OK mate

WhyCantYourPartnerDoIt · 02/04/2023 00:09

wonderingoff · 02/04/2023 00:04

Yes I'm obviously a school child on Easter holidays? Like what are you even talking about.

As I say it's really less about being able to read the diary and more upset he won't share the worries with me.

If someone you cared and loved had worries and you knew they did, you wouldn't be a bit upset they won't share them with you so you can see if you can help? I made a mistake making it seem like I needed to have access to reading his personal things.

People are so picky though... sorry I used draw instead of drawer and used the word inspect.

Do you have fears deep in your mind. Ones that keep you up at night and maybe know are irrational or that show some deep insecurities of yours or about your relationships?

Do you share each and everyone of those with your husband?

No? Then don’t read his fucking diary.
Yes? Still don’t read his fucking diary because many, many people don’t disclose every thing they worry about.

SemperIdem · 02/04/2023 00:09

Yabu, controlling and really quite strange.

Yes you’re his wife. And? That doesn’t mean he can’t have private thoughts!

CinnamonJellyBeans · 02/04/2023 00:10

Some of these replies are very harsh. Of course, it is never acceptable to read or ask to read someone's diary, but some of these replies are pretty vile.

OP: You may be feeling left out that he hasn't shared his worries with you, but he hasn't found another person to share with, nor is he necessarily withdrawing from you. It's healthy for people to keep a diary so they can process and rationalise how they feel and it's good that he's doing this for himself.

Maybe buy him a diary with a lock, so you and he know that his private diary will remain that way.

WhyCantYourPartnerDoIt · 02/04/2023 00:12

CinnamonJellyBeans · 02/04/2023 00:10

Some of these replies are very harsh. Of course, it is never acceptable to read or ask to read someone's diary, but some of these replies are pretty vile.

OP: You may be feeling left out that he hasn't shared his worries with you, but he hasn't found another person to share with, nor is he necessarily withdrawing from you. It's healthy for people to keep a diary so they can process and rationalise how they feel and it's good that he's doing this for himself.

Maybe buy him a diary with a lock, so you and he know that his private diary will remain that way.

Or tell him honestly that you will never read his diary and so he doesn't need a locked diary like some tween girl

Livelovebehappy · 02/04/2023 00:12

ilovesooty · 02/04/2023 00:00

I expect I could voice my opinion about your opinion, especially in regard to the "over the top" comment and the use of "bonkers", but I suspect what I'd say would get me deleted, so it's perhaps better that I don't.

Show quote history

Hey, go for it. I respect your right to your opinion of my opinion. I’m sure you could control yourself enough to voice it in a way that wouldn’t get your post deleted. It’s just a typical Saturday night pile on of some Mumsnetters who have chosen this OP as this weeks victim. In my opinion some of the re-actions on here are over the top. But, as I said, that’s just my opinion. You don’t have to agree with it.

shieldmaiden7 · 02/04/2023 00:12

Maybe he has avoided writing in it when you're around as he knows you'll demand to know what he's writing and have a strop because he won't tell you.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 02/04/2023 00:12

wonderingoff · 02/04/2023 00:04

Yes I'm obviously a school child on Easter holidays? Like what are you even talking about.

As I say it's really less about being able to read the diary and more upset he won't share the worries with me.

If someone you cared and loved had worries and you knew they did, you wouldn't be a bit upset they won't share them with you so you can see if you can help? I made a mistake making it seem like I needed to have access to reading his personal things.

People are so picky though... sorry I used draw instead of drawer and used the word inspect.

Worried (and that's for me to deal with) possibly but not upset. Because I don't own him and it's not about me.

ariaknox · 02/04/2023 00:13

@JustAnotherManicNameChange 🤣🤣🤣

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/04/2023 00:13

If he went to counselling or therapy, would you be expecting him to tell you everything about what he discussed or to see his 'homework' as well?

If no, well don't expect to see his diary as it's a version of that.

And if yes, that's a major red flag for him.

ilovesooty · 02/04/2023 00:13

He shouldn't need a diary with a lock to stop his wife invading his privacy.

He has every right to keep his thoughts to himself too. The OP has no right to expect him to share them with her if he doesn't want to.

ilovesooty · 02/04/2023 00:15

Livelovebehappy · 02/04/2023 00:12

Hey, go for it. I respect your right to your opinion of my opinion. I’m sure you could control yourself enough to voice it in a way that wouldn’t get your post deleted. It’s just a typical Saturday night pile on of some Mumsnetters who have chosen this OP as this weeks victim. In my opinion some of the re-actions on here are over the top. But, as I said, that’s just my opinion. You don’t have to agree with it.

Show quote history

No thanks. Not up for being goaded.

Codlingmoths · 02/04/2023 00:15

It’s not reasonable to expect to read someone’s diary, but it is pretty normal for someone finding out their spouse has worries they aren’t mentioning, to want to know about them and help.

greenthumb13 · 02/04/2023 00:17

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:37

Common if you were going through a draw and saw something you had not seen before, you wouldn't at least inspect it? I feel because this was taken the wrong way, it's all being taken the wrong way now

You made an honest mistake. Fine. But he doesn't want you reading it so respect that. End of story.

k1233 · 02/04/2023 00:18

You're being prying and intrusive. It is up to him if he wants to share his concerns with you. He doesn't, so let it go.

Swipe left for the next trending thread