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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DH won't let me read his diary?

302 replies

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:24

DH has been keeping a diary that I wasn't even aware of for the last 3 weeks, so quite a new thing. Never once mentioned he was going to start doing that and definitely has avoided writing in it when I've been around as I've never seen it! Only realised when trying to find something on his bedside table early this morning. He woke up to me basically about to have a look what it was and he was really defensive and told me to put it back. Felt a bit like I was dealing with a teenager to be honest, did put it back and asked him what it is and he just said it's a diary and he's just been jotting some things that go around in his head too much and I asked him what they were and that he can talk to me if something is wrong and he just said he doesn't really want to and so I asked if I could read it and he said no.

I don't know, it all seems quite strange to me and like it's surely something else and if it isn't and it is just that, I'm a bit concerned he can't just talk to me about some of these apparent insignificant worries? So I guess there's 2 AIBUs... AIBU to think he's probably hiding something else? And AIBU to be upset he won't let me know what these worries are?

OP posts:
WhenisitmyturntobePM · 01/04/2023 23:37

So you saw a notebook on his bedside table, didn’t know what it was but wanted a nosey at it, and tried to take a look while he was sleeping? You’re bang out of line and you know it. I assume you’re embarrassed, and now you’re gaslighting/deflecting by pretending the real issue here is that he’s keeping things from you.

He is entitled to an inner life. Back the fuck off and learn some boundaries

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 01/04/2023 23:37

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:35

I really didn't mean it like I should be entitled to read it. It was more me being upset he has worries he is keeping from me but wants to put in a diary, that's all

So have you apologised for how you’ve come across?

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 01/04/2023 23:38

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:34

No I haven't. I even said I didn't know he was keeping a diary and has been purposely not wiring in it when I'm around, hence I was more worried it's more than just that. I only know because he told me what it was, he's the one that told me it had been for 3 weeks. I have never seen him write in it

Well it's obviously a full blown account of his secret BDSM fantasies with a 6 ft body builder called mike.

Or a little black book of clients he's servicing.

Or he's keeping the accounts for the mob.

Or he has 17 secret girlfriends and needs a way to keep up with all the lies and details.

Or it's just a diary , which he's entitled to have and keep to himself.

DannyZukosSmile · 01/04/2023 23:38

Hawkins003 · 01/04/2023 23:36

Its like to some people their diary is as private as asking a partner to read through their phone messages ect

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Oh I seeeeeeeee.. Thank you. Smile Yep, it is like wanting to snoop through someone's phone. Weird, intrusive, and shows you don't fully trust your partner.

Hawkins003 · 01/04/2023 23:39

DannyZukosSmile · 01/04/2023 23:38

Oh I seeeeeeeee.. Thank you. Smile Yep, it is like wanting to snoop through someone's phone. Weird, intrusive, and shows you don't fully trust your partner.

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Exactly

FullBloom · 01/04/2023 23:39

No reason to suspect he’s keeping anything from you at all- he may well tell you everything, he still has the right to privacy in his diary. People use diaries to work through their thoughts- no reason to think it’s full of secrets, but it’s private. Honestly, who doesn’t know this?

saraclara · 01/04/2023 23:40

DannyZukosSmile · 01/04/2023 23:38

Oh I seeeeeeeee.. Thank you. Smile Yep, it is like wanting to snoop through someone's phone. Weird, intrusive, and shows you don't fully trust your partner.

Show quote history

I think it's worse to be honest. People don't put their deepest worries and innermost thoughts on their phone..do they?

Original poster
wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:40

I didn't purposely try and sneak a secret peak in when he didn't know. I was looking at the early hours for one of those blocked nose stick things... so was checking his draw as it's been ages since I've seen one but knew we had one and saw it then so looked then, if he had been up and awake I'd probs have just gone oh what's this and never have tried to look and yes if he hadn't awoke, I'd have probably seen it, but not on purpose

OP posts:
Hawkins003 · 01/04/2023 23:41

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:40

I didn't purposely try and sneak a secret peak in when he didn't know. I was looking at the early hours for one of those blocked nose stick things... so was checking his draw as it's been ages since I've seen one but knew we had one and saw it then so looked then, if he had been up and awake I'd probs have just gone oh what's this and never have tried to look and yes if he hadn't awoke, I'd have probably seen it, but not on purpose

That's understandable, I guess it's a mix depending on the person and depending on the secrets it holds

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 01/04/2023 23:41

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:40

I didn't purposely try and sneak a secret peak in when he didn't know. I was looking at the early hours for one of those blocked nose stick things... so was checking his draw as it's been ages since I've seen one but knew we had one and saw it then so looked then, if he had been up and awake I'd probs have just gone oh what's this and never have tried to look and yes if he hadn't awoke, I'd have probably seen it, but not on purpose

So it was in the drawer, not on the bedside table…

you’re really not making yourself sound any better here.

Have you apologised to him?

DannyZukosSmile · 01/04/2023 23:41

You do sound very immature @wonderingoff and also insecure and needy, and very untrusting and clingy. I bet your DH has written this about you somewhere in his diary!

retrosteamband · 01/04/2023 23:42

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:35

I really didn't mean it like I should be entitled to read it. It was more me being upset he has worries he is keeping from me but wants to put in a diary, that's all

? The title of your thread is To be upset DH won't let me read his diary?

how else do you expect people to take it?

DannyZukosSmile · 01/04/2023 23:43

retrosteamband · 01/04/2023 23:42

? The title of your thread is To be upset DH won't let me read his diary?

how else do you expect people to take it?

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100% this.

Also in the OP's first post...

*He woke up to me basically about to have a look..."

Original poster
wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:44

That's why I said I should probably have worded the title differently. It's hard to know how to break down the post into a title. That is my bad and I realised that after those first replies getting it wrong!

Well the bedside table has a draw yes

OP posts:
DirectionToPerfection · 01/04/2023 23:44

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:35

I really didn't mean it like I should be entitled to read it. It was more me being upset he has worries he is keeping from me but wants to put in a diary, that's all

Stop being so insecure, he's allowed to have private thoughts.

I honestly can't believe you're for real, I would be fuming in your DH's position.

Original poster
wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:44

Yeah but I've already explained the look thing. I didn't know it was his diary at that point

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 01/04/2023 23:44

Well it's secrets isn't it OP? You are supposed to be a partnership and not have secrets. You are supposed to be able to work things out together.
Have to say if my DH decided he wanted to have privacy for his secrets that actually need writing down then he can fuck right off and do it by himself. I don't want to be married to him.
Of course he could be just writing down the measurements for his next DIY project or planning the logistics of a world cruise he's thinking about.
Or he could be suffering from memory loss and needs to write things down to remember them. I suppose that should be considered before divorce😁

Scuttlingherbert · 01/04/2023 23:44

Tonight my husband is doing something on our laptop and for Microsoft Office reasons he had to use my log in.
It occurred to me at one point this evening that when he opens up Word he might see my previous Word documents, including a few letters I wrote when I was in therapy - letters to my younger self and to an ex that I never intended to send.
I had a moment thinking "ooh would I mind if he read them?" And then I just knew he never would. I feel 100% sure if he saw something like that he'd realise it was private and close it. Not that there would be anything to worry about it or any ground breaking info there.

Privacy is important.

PousseyNotMoira · 01/04/2023 23:44

Have you apologised to him?

ilovesooty · 01/04/2023 23:44

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:37

Common if you were going through a draw and saw something you had not seen before, you wouldn't at least inspect it? I feel because this was taken the wrong way, it's all being taken the wrong way now

I don't think there's any way to take it other than your ridiculous entitlement to being privy to his diary and his private diary.

How dare you?

ilovesooty · 01/04/2023 23:45

I meant his diary and his private thoughts.

OnaBegonia · 01/04/2023 23:45

Drawer not a fuckin DRAW!!!

PousseyNotMoira · 01/04/2023 23:45

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:44

Yeah but I've already explained the look thing. I didn't know it was his diary at that point

drawer. Not ‘draw’.

Have you apologised?

704703hey · 01/04/2023 23:46

I wouldn't stay up worrying about this. Perhaps make more time to talk to him about things, but leave the diary out of it!

Seems quite healthy that he does this.

WhenisitmyturntobePM · 01/04/2023 23:46

You’re inconsistent about whether it was on the bedside table or in the drawer, but whatever. A notebook in a bedroom could clearly be a diary, so the most respectful thing to do is just leave it alone. And the proper response, when he told you what it was, would have been ‘That’s great you’re keeping a diary. Sorry, now I know I’ll keep away. Let me know if there is ever something you want to talk through’.