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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DH won't let me read his diary?

302 replies

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:24

DH has been keeping a diary that I wasn't even aware of for the last 3 weeks, so quite a new thing. Never once mentioned he was going to start doing that and definitely has avoided writing in it when I've been around as I've never seen it! Only realised when trying to find something on his bedside table early this morning. He woke up to me basically about to have a look what it was and he was really defensive and told me to put it back. Felt a bit like I was dealing with a teenager to be honest, did put it back and asked him what it is and he just said it's a diary and he's just been jotting some things that go around in his head too much and I asked him what they were and that he can talk to me if something is wrong and he just said he doesn't really want to and so I asked if I could read it and he said no.

I don't know, it all seems quite strange to me and like it's surely something else and if it isn't and it is just that, I'm a bit concerned he can't just talk to me about some of these apparent insignificant worries? So I guess there's 2 AIBUs... AIBU to think he's probably hiding something else? And AIBU to be upset he won't let me know what these worries are?

OP posts:
neslop · 01/04/2023 23:46

Some of the responses are a bit harsh I think. If you haven't already done so, I would say sorry to your DP for pushing to read the diary, reassure that you respect his privacy, but you hope if he has any worries he will feel able to share them with you as you care about him.

ZombiePara · 01/04/2023 23:47

If this is how you are just knowing there is a diary in a drawer, I dread to think what level of anxiety/stress/overthinking would be going on if he spoke to you about things!

I have been advised by a therapist to write things down to stop them going round my head and to let me sleep.
Most of the time the things are really insignificant, but are on a loop in my head..

You are absolutely being highly unreasonable - let him have his privacy. He knows youre there to talk to - that is more than enough.

If you have to, then give it a week, and gentle say to him you are there if he needs to talk, you worry and love him, and leave it at that. 2 reminders youre there.

YABVU.

lailamaria · 01/04/2023 23:47

well it's his you have no right to his private thoughts just because you're married have you apologised, also if he's said you can't read it then you have to accept that

Womencanlift · 01/04/2023 23:47

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:37

Common if you were going through a draw and saw something you had not seen before, you wouldn't at least inspect it? I feel because this was taken the wrong way, it's all being taken the wrong way now

No because I respect my partner’s privacy and he respects mine. Just because you are in a relationship it doesn’t give you the right to snoop about their stuff, regardless how well intentioned it was

Livelovebehappy · 01/04/2023 23:48

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:30

I didn't mean it like that!!!

I just meant if he has said it's his worries, I'm his wife and I am concerned and would like him to feel like he can tell me what they are. I felt like if he maybe didn't want to but obviously preferred to write them, maybe I could read it. I should probably have asked the question differently

I get where you’re coming from OP. It’s not that you want to read it from a position of being nosey, but that you’re genuinely concerned what these worries are which he has, as you want to help him. They do say though if you have worries you don’t wish to confide to others about that you should write them down, as this can help. Clearly this is what he is doing. It is difficult though watching someone you care about being unhappy about something that he isn’t sharing with you. You’re obviously going to be concerned.

ilovesooty · 01/04/2023 23:48

saraclara · 01/04/2023 23:40

I think it's worse to be honest. People don't put their deepest worries and innermost thoughts on their phone..do they?

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I think it's even worse too.

If someone did that to me I'd be seriously questioning whether I wanted to be in a relationship with them any more.

HelloBunny · 01/04/2023 23:48

My DH has always had a notebook. Wouldn’t occur to me to look in it. I have notebooks as well, and diaries.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 01/04/2023 23:49

neslop · 01/04/2023 23:46

Some of the responses are a bit harsh I think. If you haven't already done so, I would say sorry to your DP for pushing to read the diary, reassure that you respect his privacy, but you hope if he has any worries he will feel able to share them with you as you care about him.

She has, but now she's pissy he won't share those worries with her.

Aylestone · 01/04/2023 23:50

saraclara · 01/04/2023 23:29

Is it troll night? I can't believe that anyone thinks its okay to read someone's diary.

This. Been some absolute dicks around since school broke up yesterday. Some people need to get a life. Thinking about boycotting mn until after the holidays 🙄

Livelovebehappy · 01/04/2023 23:50

And don’t take to heart some of the harsh over the top responses on here. Your actions and concerns are coming from a good place.

Merangutan · 01/04/2023 23:51

His diary is a private way to record his thoughts and feelings: it’s absolutely none of your business. In the same way you can’t demand to know the thoughts in his head, you can’t demand to know those thoughts if they are written down.

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 01/04/2023 23:51

saraclara · 01/04/2023 23:29

Is it troll night? I can't believe that anyone thinks its okay to read someone's diary.

It really bloody is!!!!!

On an unrelated note, my MIL sold my baby on ebay!!

ilovesooty · 01/04/2023 23:52

Livelovebehappy · 01/04/2023 23:50

And don’t take to heart some of the harsh over the top responses on here. Your actions and concerns are coming from a good place.

Who are you to say they're "over the top" responses just because you don't agree with them?

FiddleLeaf · 01/04/2023 23:52

Jesus Christ. The poor guy.

Livelovebehappy · 01/04/2023 23:53

ilovesooty · 01/04/2023 23:48

I think it's even worse too.

If someone did that to me I'd be seriously questioning whether I wanted to be in a relationship with them any more.

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Give over! You’d really consider whether you wanted to be in a relationship with someone because of this? Bonkers…

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 01/04/2023 23:53

Livelovebehappy · 01/04/2023 23:50

And don’t take to heart some of the harsh over the top responses on here. Your actions and concerns are coming from a good place.

Entitlement is not a good place.

WhenisitmyturntobePM · 01/04/2023 23:53

OP may be a troll but what about the posters backing her up 😳

ilovesooty · 01/04/2023 23:53

Livelovebehappy · 01/04/2023 23:53

Give over! You’d really consider whether you wanted to be in a relationship with someone because of this? Bonkers…

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Yes I would.

Livelovebehappy · 01/04/2023 23:54

ilovesooty · 01/04/2023 23:52

Who are you to say they're "over the top" responses just because you don't agree with them?

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Because this is a discussion board and I can voice my opinion??

butterfliedtwo · 01/04/2023 23:57

Livelovebehappy · 01/04/2023 23:53

Give over! You’d really consider whether you wanted to be in a relationship with someone because of this? Bonkers…

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Absolutely. It's unreasonable in the extreme to think you're entitled to know another person's every thought because you're in a relationship with them.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 01/04/2023 23:57

A diary is an extension of the owner's mind. It remains private, even if the person is married.

FloydWasACat · 01/04/2023 23:58

Have you shown him this post?

ilovesooty · 02/04/2023 00:00

Livelovebehappy · 01/04/2023 23:54

Because this is a discussion board and I can voice my opinion??

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I expect I could voice my opinion about your opinion, especially in regard to the "over the top" comment and the use of "bonkers", but I suspect what I'd say would get me deleted, so it's perhaps better that I don't.

DannyZukosSmile · 02/04/2023 00:00

Why do people ALWAYS come out with this daft 'it's the school holidays' line?! Confused Why the fuck would kids/teenagers be on mumsnet posting ANYthing? It's not bloody schoolkids! I

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/04/2023 00:00

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:37

Common if you were going through a draw and saw something you had not seen before, you wouldn't at least inspect it? I feel because this was taken the wrong way, it's all being taken the wrong way now

Even the use of the word “inspect” is very telling imo.

No. I don’t feel I have the right to “inspect” everything in my DH’s bedside drawer… he’s allowed possessions of his own.