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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DH won't let me read his diary?

302 replies

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:24

DH has been keeping a diary that I wasn't even aware of for the last 3 weeks, so quite a new thing. Never once mentioned he was going to start doing that and definitely has avoided writing in it when I've been around as I've never seen it! Only realised when trying to find something on his bedside table early this morning. He woke up to me basically about to have a look what it was and he was really defensive and told me to put it back. Felt a bit like I was dealing with a teenager to be honest, did put it back and asked him what it is and he just said it's a diary and he's just been jotting some things that go around in his head too much and I asked him what they were and that he can talk to me if something is wrong and he just said he doesn't really want to and so I asked if I could read it and he said no.

I don't know, it all seems quite strange to me and like it's surely something else and if it isn't and it is just that, I'm a bit concerned he can't just talk to me about some of these apparent insignificant worries? So I guess there's 2 AIBUs... AIBU to think he's probably hiding something else? And AIBU to be upset he won't let me know what these worries are?

OP posts:
ariaknox · 02/04/2023 00:19

OP
Honestly I understand that your worried about his worries? But you are invading his privacy massively.. don't over think him writing in his diary
Maybe his worries and problems have nothing to do with you?

I bought myself a diary in January and decided to start writing more just a load of rubbish daily life, silly things that upset or annoy me that I know are not reasonable, worries, fears anything I feel like
And if my husband asked to read it I would be mortified
I like to Bitch in it about him when he annoys me but it doesn't mean anything it's just refreshing for me to write things down and helps process stuff

It's a healthy thing to be doing and he could be doing a lot worse
Give him the respect and privacy he deserves
And push it out of your mind

Livelovebehappy · 02/04/2023 00:20

Codlingmoths · 02/04/2023 00:15

It’s not reasonable to expect to read someone’s diary, but it is pretty normal for someone finding out their spouse has worries they aren’t mentioning, to want to know about them and help.

Absolutely agree. But I think some posters are deliberately misconstruing what OP is saying.

Spiderboy · 02/04/2023 00:20

YABVVU. But I assume you know that now. He is allowed independent thoughts. Do you tell him everything that enters your mind? I am extremely open with OH to the point I am probably annoying but even I don’t tell him my thoughts straight away, I’m need to process them first….leave him be!!! It’s a healthy outlet

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/04/2023 00:22

Livelovebehappy · 02/04/2023 00:20

Absolutely agree. But I think some posters are deliberately misconstruing what OP is saying.

Show quote history

She literally said her husband was acting like a teenager… and the thread title is “To be upset DH won't let me read his diary”

There’s not much to misconstrue

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 02/04/2023 00:22

Keep Digging OP. Respect the boundaries.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/04/2023 00:22

He’s the one acting like a teenager?

Greyarea12 · 02/04/2023 00:22

He is journalling/writing in a diary. It is not something you tend to do when someone is in the room with you. He isn't 9 writing in a diary for fun about the girl he has a crush on. He is releasing emotions, getting things out his head and onto paper, making sense of his thoughts, relieving his worries/stress, regulating his emotions, maintaining his mental health etc. It's a private moment that is done in private. Respect his boundaries. I think you should apologise to him for asking to read it. It is such an invasion of privacy and breaking boundaries.

BlackBarbies · 02/04/2023 00:24

You sound like really bad vibes….

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 02/04/2023 00:27

Codlingmoths · 02/04/2023 00:15

It’s not reasonable to expect to read someone’s diary, but it is pretty normal for someone finding out their spouse has worries they aren’t mentioning, to want to know about them and help.

Except OP didn't mention help until many posts in. She didn't even say that to her husband. She just wanted to know. Even after he said no. Now she doesn't even believe him really and think it's something more. And if it isn't she thinks she should know all about the boil on his left bollocks. Because it's all about her. Confused

ChocSaltyBalls · 02/04/2023 00:29

YABU

people don’t have to share every single thing with their spouse.

Companyofwolves · 02/04/2023 00:29

Leave him alone to process & think his own thoughts & getting them out on paper if it helps him.

Are you entitled to all this thoughts OP? That’s incredibly intrusive. He’s not keeping them from you he’s just regulating himself himself. You’re not supposed to share everything.

While you mean well & want to help you prob aren’t the best person to when all he wants is some mental space to do this & not involving you is not secretive or rejecting you or evidence of anything terrible.

Maybe he’s trying to manage his own mental health which is to be commended & not a sign anything is wrong per se.

I would imagine he will now hide his diary because I don’t think he will be able to trust you now not to look. Which has made something that was helping him a thing that is now intruded & interfered with.

ilovesooty · 02/04/2023 00:30

I've been absolutely consistent for years on here in my views about invading other people's privacy, so I'm certainly not joining a pile on for the sake of it. If someone went through my phone or read my diary the relationship would be over.

Lysianthus · 02/04/2023 00:31

@DannyZukosSmile wrote the best response. The longer one, because there are other replies.

However. You should NEVER read anyone's diary. Not your kids, your friends, nor your partner's. EVER.

OP, can you imagine how YOU would feel if someone rad your private diary?

And it doesn't matter a jot how you found it, or why you needed a nose stick, it's all irrelevant.

Just don't.

DemonCopperhead · 02/04/2023 00:32

I was certain this was a reverse because no one could be THAT ignorant

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/04/2023 00:37

So if he was having a private counselling session you’d want to listen in?

Jesus! Give him some space.

CremeEggQueen · 02/04/2023 00:37

I used to write a diary as a teenager.
It's full of inane shit but I still wouldn't want anyone to read them as they're private thoughts/brain farts of their time!
YABU

Original poster
wonderingoff · 02/04/2023 00:42

No but if he randomly said he was going to counselling, I'd probably ask what's brought that on, especially if he told me there was a reason and yeah, I would find it hard if he just said he wasn't telling me.

I'm genuinely more surprised that people think this is a reverse, a troll, I'm an awful person, he should divorce me. All because I wanted to know what the worries were that my husband wanted to keep from me

OP posts:
thebaneofmylifeisacat · 02/04/2023 00:44

Tantrum time

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/04/2023 00:44

Have you apologised to your husband @wonderingoff ?

Companyofwolves · 02/04/2023 00:54

But he’s not keeping anything from you! You don’t have rights to what goes on in his head! Just because he doesn’t want to reveal private personal thoughts does t mean he’s keeping something from you. That’s why you’re getting flak on here. You’re also assuming they’re “worries”. Have you never heard of journaling or writing down thoughts & mental chatter to offload your brain, keep your mind in checks, express & get out stresses, things that might otherwise niggle, go round & round or stay with you?
Is he expected to share all of that. Rap with you? Would you class any of that crap as “worries” that would be deliberately kept from you or just the minutiae of mental & emotional chatter that he can deal with himself without you having to get involved. Your relationship sounds very claustrophobic if you don’t think he has this right.

over50andfab · 02/04/2023 00:57

This is what you wrote that he said OP:

“he just said it's a diary and he's just been jotting some things that go around in his head too much”

People do this to try to make sense of their thoughts and sometimes they need to do this in their own.

You should respect his boundaries.

Eyerollcentral · 02/04/2023 01:02

wonderingoff · 02/04/2023 00:42

No but if he randomly said he was going to counselling, I'd probably ask what's brought that on, especially if he told me there was a reason and yeah, I would find it hard if he just said he wasn't telling me.

I'm genuinely more surprised that people think this is a reverse, a troll, I'm an awful person, he should divorce me. All because I wanted to know what the worries were that my husband wanted to keep from me

Put the shoe on the other foot, if you had a little book you wanted to just jot your private thoughts in how would you feel if you woke in the middle of the night and found your husband flicking through it and then demanding to know what was in it? I personally would be furious. My siblings read my diary when I was about 11 and I’m still furious at them. Your husband is entitled to his own thoughts. They might not even be a worry that he would ever share with you. It’s his thoughts and you are way out of line.

Elfandwellbeing · 02/04/2023 01:02

Surely this is a reverse… it can’t be a deal sitch…. It’s bloody ridiculous to think you have the right of read someone’s diary. It private

OldFan · 02/04/2023 01:06

@wonderingoff I hope your husband is ok. You could encourage him to seek help if things are going round in his head too much.

As to reading the diary, it might upset you because people seek to process emotions in there. It mightn't even be complimentary about you.

Years ago I read an ex's diary. In it he came across as a completely different person to the one I knew.

2023forme · 02/04/2023 01:17

@ilovesooty
I think it's even worse too.
If someone did that to me I'd be seriously questioning whether I wanted to be in a relationship with them any more.

I can’t get my head around this type of thinking. I am a problem drinker and keep a journal to help me with staying sober. It is deeply personal and if anyone read it, it would feel like a violation. Keeping the journal doesn’t stop me discussing my issues with my DH. The two don’t need to be mutually exclusive.

@wonderingoff - you’ve taken a pounding but I believe you are concerned about your DH. But you’ve gone about it the completely wrong way and I agree you need to apologise to your DH and not make this all about you/your feelings.

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