To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Do you think she might shorten it to Milly or something for the most part?

I’d be as hurt as you and not able to hide it.

@CarinaBee So sorry for the Loss of your Sister.
I tend to agree with you- It seems a bit insensitive in the circumstances.

I’m also sorry for your Nieces , losing their Mum so young.
They are lucky to have a kind Auntie.
💕

Wait so she’d picked a different name, told people about the different name, had personalised items made in said different name. And then at the final hurdle changed it for the same name as your beloved deceased sister which is something you previously communicated with SIL would be incredibly difficult and upsetting for you?

Nope. She definitely did this on purpose, she sounds unhinged and so vindictive.

@Sofiabella you’ve completely missed the point!!

Hmmm I can see it from both sides. I'm thinking about my own SIL. We're not close. I'm not even sure what her sister's name is. If her sister had passed away, I'm not even sure I would have made a name connection. She's so distanced from me I guess I wouldn't have thought there was enough of a link. If someone has pointed it out to me, and I knew she was upset I'd probably have found a different name though. Depends on the relationship I guess.

The person who said that neither of you are unreasonable is right.

The competitive outrage from some on here is unhelpful. Especially the advice about calling an unborn child a nasty nickname related to the name. Honestly one of the stupidest suggestions I've seen posted on here.

You mention that you and DH aren't getting on well. Maybe you would like this to be the last straw. However, you don't need a final event to give you permission to end a relationship.

@allmyliesaretrue agree with every wise word you have written, it's terrifying how lacking in empathy so many posters on here can be.

Totally agree, you can’t stop people using a name just because it has a family connection.

my brother used my dead fathers name for his son(father died at 32) , I hate the name and the link to my father who caused tremendous hurt in our family but I’d never tell him to not use the name, it’s his choice. My choice is for my children and I can’t stop people using a certain name because it has a negative connection for me,

Omg the stupid people.

1 - just because you've never had to deal with a twisted narcissistic cow, doesn't mean they don't exist.

2 - she had a very specific conversation where OP explained about her feelings on the name.

3 - she led everyone to believe she was going to use another name, and did a bait and switch.

4 - her ONLY concern was OP ruining her moment

5 - her own mother led with an apology, showing she knew what this meant.

I take it back, not a narcissist, a psychopath. She's not just self absorbed, she likes causing pain.

I'm so sorry, please do not let the idiots make you feel you're being unreasonable. This is unconscionable. Your DH not pulling her up on it, is also pretty much up there in the "who is the most important person to keep happy" game.

I'm so sorry.

A similar thing happened to someone I know. The mum in my friend’s family had a surprise baby in her late forties. Her other children were late teens and had girlfriends/ boyfriends. The baby was born, named XXXX and adored by the entire family. At seven months the baby died of cot death. It was a terrible time for the entire family, the mum became very depressed but slowly started to adjust with the love and support of her heartbroken family. One of the teen boys in the family ended his four year relationship with his girlfriend. The girlfriend lived a couple of doors away from the family. Literally three months later she announces she is pregnant by her new boyfriend and was going to call her baby XXXX if it was the same sex. Of course it was and despite her parents pleading with her not to use the name (it was uncommon, old fashioned at the time type of name) she called her baby XXXX. My friend’s family had to live with a new baby named the same as their lost love living two doors down. The ex girlfriend’s parents were decent, kind people and couldn’t believe their daughter did that.

This.

I’m so sorry OP. Also all that twin utter tripe 🙄. I’m a twin and I have twins. It’s lucky growing up with someone your own age because you automatically have a good deal in common. But the nonsense around special bond? Nope. As you pointed out, that’s an emotional manipulation to get her brother, your DH, to do her bidding.

He goes along with it because he knows what a drama Queen she is (spoiling her “special moment” FFS).

I’m so sorry about your sister.

The SIL really has thrown a hand grenade into your life. What a horrible piece of work.

I have no advice but I really wanted to send you my support. I can't imagine what you've been through. I'm so sorry that your sister passed so young. I, like you have no close family other than my sister and I just can't imagine what you've been through. Your SIL sounds horrible. Just why... WHY?!

I can completely see why you are hurt but there isnt anything DH can do. He cant force his DS to change the name of her DD. As much as I think you have every reason to be angry and hurt, if you are not close to SIL, i can see why she wouldn't consider you when naming her child. If the name was truly obscure id think it was an odd choice but I dont think Camilla is an unusual name at all. I had it on my list for DD but we were concerned it would rampantly increase in popularity due to CPB. Really sorry for your loss.

No - what a bizarre suggestion.

Ove said numerous times - if hearing a name still brings her trauma then grief counselling is a good way to go. It’s not healthy.

OP for your wellbeing please try to put some real emotional (if not physical) distance between yourself and your in-laws. Including your MIL, regardless of your good relationship, she’ll go into battle for your SIL over you. Someone has enabled that piece of work through her life after all.
Her actions are appalling.
Support to you.

Some posters are obviously robots.
Your sil is a down and out fucking bitch.. And if your dh says anything less than that about her he can go to Hell.

Your sil is a bitch and no matter what everyone says about ‘it’s up to her what she calls her child’ - it takes a real bitch to do this. Someone that obviously cannot give one single shit about you or your feelings.

I am sorry for your loss and I’m sure this just highlights it. Sending hugs

Has the child been registered yet?
Can you go over be a dick be over friendly towards the baby, give it a shortened version of Camilla and step all over her toes and make your SIL back off.

I would get the ugliest bloody ddog and call it after sil.

Yabu it's just a name

I would never mention it again and always call the child Millie. If sil corrects you ignore her.

YANBU OP, my heart breaks for you. I can imagine feeling the same if someone decided to use the name of my DD who passed away. I can imagine feeling devastated like you even if it was 20 years later. I don’t think that’s unusual after a trauma like you’ve experienced. I’ve had plenty of therapy and no amount of grief or trauma therapy can dull the pain of certain triggers, despite what some posters claim.

Your DH can’t make her change the name of course. If she’s so insensitive and tone deaf that she persists on using that name he should be making absolutely clear to her how painful and difficult it will be for you to hear. Ultimately he should have your back on this and be standing up to you 100%, regardless of this bullshit twin mantra.

I'd say to DH, and MIL if it comes up again, how sad it us that she would want to give her precious daughter a name that will always symbolise pain loss and sadness amongst you all in the hope it puts SIL off that way. SIL sounds so self absorbed and will only change her mind for her own benefit. 💐

As an unsatisfactory parallel - I went through 15 years trying to have kids and have been unsuccessful. During this time, my sister had four. The last two of them 'accidents' with different men, within weeks of a relationship starting, that truly hurt me to my core. I was so angry and upset and jealous she could just keep getting preggers just by looking at a man and I was doing everything and failing. But as soon as the baby popped out, each time, what an amazing beautiful thing. I love them so, so much. I still wish I could have had my own, sometimes it really really gets me - but those kids I treasure more than anything and the world is immeasurably better for them.

So - I really hope, like me, you'll feel suddenly incredibly different when the baby arrives - because they are completely innocent and it's impossible not to love them, whatever their name x

This is a woman who has sent furious texts to OPs husband, kicked off with MiL when she stirred the pot and said op is ruining her special moment. If she was a decent person she would have calmly said to op she liked the name, she was sorry for how she feels but she will be using it. Not throw her toys out of the pram and act like a toddler who’s skipped a nap. She’s a prick.