To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Did the posters stating “neither of you are being unreasonable”/“it’s a common name” miss the post where OP said there was a discussion about the name when she was pregnant, SIL was present, and she stated it was too painful for her say it and would not want to use it for her own daughter it as a tribute ?

How could someone hearing this conversation have no regard to OP’s feelings and think, well sounds ok for her niece then! It’s a perverse choice. If SIL genuinely loved the name and wasn’t a bitch she would have raised it with them before naming her baby.
She didn’t, I think you’re totally right to feel as you do OP.
Im so sorry for your loss, your sister sounds amazing.

I don't think many people would give their baby a name out of spite or to wind somebody up, it's too important a decision to be used as a point scorer.

Did the posters stating “neither of you are being unreasonable”/“it’s a common name” miss the post where OP said there was a discussion about the name when she was pregnant, SIL was present, and she stated it was too painful for her say it and would not want to use it for her own daughter it as a tribute ?

I didn’t miss it.

But that’s how the OP feels. The SIL is under no obligation to replicate anyone
s feelings about baby names. She also presumably didn’t say “I’d hate anyone else in the family to name their child Camilla”

Nobody would ever actually do that because it's a weird, weird thing to do to a baby.

Cruel and vicious, what a disgraceful way to behave not only to you but to her child. I would completely remove her from my life from now on. Make it clear to your DH that she has crossed a line and will not be stepping back over it.

It certainly hasn't made you empathetic or sensitive to others.

So sorry for your loss.😪 She sounds like someone who likes to get her own way. She see's something someone else has and wants it for herself. Not caring who she upsets in the process. Hopefully MIL will talk some sense into her. I would like to know who the 39% saying YABU wtf?

Why - because I won’t pretend it’s normal or healthy to be this angry about a name? It’s not about teaching empathy anyway it’s about finding a healthy place within your grief.

Also, presumably BIL has a hand in this name? Why isn’t he getting called a cunt by everyone?

All these posters advocating using an innocent baby for petty revenge - I had no idea so many neurotic psychopaths lived among us

It's not your dHs fault.

I don't think sil named her baby this to point score or spite. I think she did it because she liked the name and didn't have any regard or empathy for how it would have impacted op. Some people just aren't considerate, they don't think of others. And when the situation comes to its head sil cannot think about how her actions have led to that point, only how that reaction impacts herself. She is self absorbed.

I would distance myself from her as much as you physically can, she won't change and she won't stop being selfish with her decision making.

I suggest Cami-knickers.

Of course they don’t! And the SIL clearly didn’t do this out of spite. She did it because she liked the name and the fact her SIL’s sister who she never knew was called that wasn’t a big enough factor for her to not name her baby Camilla.

Is it the kindest thing in the world? No. But it also certainly isn’t worthy of being called a cunt, being told to take weird revenge out on her and her baby, tell her DH to cut off contact and make life generally difficult.

tbh i don't think the name is the real issue here.
It's the having things made with another name then suddenly switching and kicking off when OP was surprised and shocked. A longer build up would have been better.
And the DH not immediately saying "sis, you know you've hurt OP, that's going to be a tough fix" and comforting his wife is also bugging me.

OP it will take time, but try not let it ruin any relationship you have with MIL. You need not have a relationship outside nominal politeness with your SIL.

Yes let’s pick on a child because we don’t like the actions of her mum 🙄

If ahe's named her child Camilla after your sister that's unkind. If she's named her Camilla after Mrs. Consort she's a lunatic.

I'm so sorry OP. Sorry for your terrible loss and that you have such a mean and jealous SIL. You don't need to wonder, now, how she feels about you, it's all out in the open for all, including MIL and your husband to see.

I too would be very disappointed in your husband. No, there is probably nothing he can do to change the situation. But he has shown that he is too spineless to let his sister know how much she has hurt you, and let her know that she has overstepped the boundaries of decent and caring behaviour.

All the "you don't own a name" crowd have completely misunderstood the situation. It's not about the right to name your child exactly what you want regardless of others feelings, it's about decency.

There are more than 2 people called Camilla. HTH.

Yeah thats my point. It's very unlikely to have been done to cause pain.

I'm sorry you lost your beloved sister, it sounds like she was an amazing person to know.

I'm also sorry that your sister in law is difficult and self-centred. Unfortunately you can't control that, nor can your husband or mother in law.

I think she was insensitive and selfish not to have asked you how you would feel about her using the name. BUT if she's a selfish person, then I'm not sure you should be surprised. This is just your SIL all over right?

So I think you need to detach your niece from your sister. The same name doesn't mean anything. It's a beautiful name but the name didn't make your sister. Her kind heart and generosity made her a great sister.

It was a selfish act from a selfish person. Now move on.

I certainly wouldn't be putting my marriage in crisis over this. Your husband is in a tough position. I know it's hard to hear, but I have twins, and I can confirm that is indeed a very strong bond. Your husband of course should have your back, but he is also allowed to see other perspectives and he may well align with your SIL in some cases.

Have you tried marriage counseling? All long term relationships go through testing times, that's normal. It's also normal for these to get better over time, with good communication and work.

There's a lot of out and out misogyny on this thread. "Bitch", "cunt", "buy an ugly dog and give it SILs name".

Some women love any excuse to be vicious about another.

I am so sorry op. I would feel exactly the same as you.

Your sil sounds like a right twat.

Yep.

The mouth frothing (which everyone except the OP - who bas not actually been vicious at all - is displaying) is at best a bit weird, at worst scary. I think a lot of people on these forums have lent up anger they can’t express IRL

Ok I've changed my mind OP. The fact your MIL called to show some compassion shows it was known in the family this could cause you pain. That and the personalised items. It's all a bit weird.