To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

She's a tosser for using that name knowing how it might hurt you. If it was a common name fine maybe but that's so hurtful.

I'd be mad my DH didn't ask her what the hell she was playing at.

And to say you need to get over it... do any of us really get over grief?

I'm sorry OP. There's nothing you can do except pull away from her.

If hearing dad’s name was “a dagger in my heart” I’d accept that’s my problem not other people’s. And get therapy, like I did but for other reasons

Absolutely this. I can strongly recommend bereavement counselling. It really helped me through the most horrendous period of my life.

She sounds very selfish/self-centred. I'm usually of the opinion nobody owns a name, but this behavior is actively jabbing at what is clearly an unresolved trauma. DH needs to support you, shield you from childish angry messages and let her know why you're so hurt if she makes comments.

But I still wouldn't be considering BIL when naming my DC, just didn't even occur to me.

You genuinely wouldn't consider the feelings of your sister's husband - who only 2 years previously told you that he couldn't bear to hear a particular name due to the remaining pain from his sibling's early death???

You wouldn't remember that, out of sympathy and caring??

And if you had forgotten, and your sister told you it was causing her husband huge pain, you'd be angry at the husband rather than mortified at your lack of empathy??

Huh. That's very much not how my family works thankfully.

Op the way you talk about your sister made me well up. How much you loved each other.

I think your sil is a really nasty piece of work. She must have known that this would be hard for you, but she’s done it anyway. But it’s a very hard situation for your husband too, being caught between his wife and his twin.

You would.

@CarinaBee there are way too many posters here who are insensitive, cruel and utterly lacking in empathy.

I lost an infant sibling and would have considered using their name because I think my parents would have been pleased if we did? I didn't in the end because I didn't feel right with it and there were other names I preferred anyway.

But for your SIL, in the full knowledge of the grief and trauma you have been and still are carrying in the 17 years, and how you have expressed that hearing your DSis' name even now, is callous in the extreme. Screw all the self-righteous bleatings that you're not normal, and that her name should mean nothing now, and that you need grief counselling - take it from me (in albeit different circumstances) there is no amount of grief counselling in the world will ever eradicate the loss, the trauma and the sheer fucking unfairness of your lovely sister's untimely death!!

God it worries me sometimes the type of people who live and breathe among us.... OP, your SIL has decided to completely dismiss your feelings - you get to decide what you do with that. I'd be done with her.

YANBU. That name should have been off the table immediately.

Thought process would be finding out your sister’s name and thinking it was a wonderful name but clearly now out of bounds as it belonged to something bigger.

So sorry OP x

There was a post in which the op confirmed it was Camilla, I read it. But it’s disappeared now.

So sorry for your loss OP. I understand your frustration. The new baby girl coming into the world has no knowledge or partake in any of adults’ grievances, feuds or toxic traits. It’s a beautiful innocent tiny human, please try to think about her as another human being that might continue to carry the grace, love and compassion your sister had shown to you.
I was born on the same date when my mum’s sister died - none of us chose this and it’s a “complicated” day for mum - life often ties pain and joy together, try to carry on with love.

We had a name pre-picked for DC2. It was our second choice for DC1, and is also my husband’s middle name.

However SIL and I got pregnant at the same time. It was totally unexpected as SIL had been told she would be unable to conceive. Sadly, she had a miscarriage. She said the name she had chosen was the same name as we had planned (it’s a unisex name, personally I wouldn’t have used it for a girl). We hadn’t ever spoken about it with SIL but that ruled it right out for us. Would have felt like cruelty, regardless, and we immediately dropped it.

So I asked my husband and DS(14) about your situation. DS said it was a bit over-bearing but sometimes people do try to be nice. DH said if it was done as a tribute he’d find it touching. When I said it definitely wasn’t a tribute both DH and DS said ‘so she can’t find another name? There are millions of names.’

All agreed Camilla is uncommon enough that surely SIL would be well aware of a deceased family member with that name.
If SIL was simply being self-involved/thoughtless (she sounds like a total main character) that’s one thing (and doesn’t say much about her) but her reaction indicates she thinks how she feels is far more important than how you feel. I don’t think YABU at all. I suppose the tough part is where do you go from
here.

This instantly made me think of the first time I met my brother's girlfriend, I commented on a beautiful tattoo on her wrist, it turned out that the design incorporated the letter I for Imogen, her sister who had died in a car crash when they were teens.

Never never in a million years would I have ever considered calling my daughter Imogen after that - even though it is a name I genuinely love and would have considered otherwise.

Your SIL is selfish and nasty, I'm so sorry about your sister.

Just talking to DH about this and while we can see difficult positions all round, unanimously we agreed - at the point the text message came through of 'I'm furious OP ruined my special moment' - would be the moment my DH would reply - 'well you should have thought about that before deciding on that name' - and it would be then he would kick off / step in.

And I think that's fair.

Because what strikes me is - your SIL didn't go 'oh shit, I've fucked up' - call the OP and say, oh I'm so sorry, I didn't want to upset you blah blah
and try to provide a reasoning and try to speak to the OP to smooth things over. No she sent a nasty messages all about her special moment not OP's hurt and bereavement.

And that's where I can't see how anyone can think she's in the right.

You can argue someone doesn't own a name but with the backstory - would that be your response? To send a message like that and rather than something even mildly conciliatory? Even if mildly conciliatory was - oh I'm really sorry OP is upset, but xyz and we're sticking with the name. Rather than I'm furious OP is upset.....

It’s not about owning a name, it’s about just basic common empathy.

Usually of a post is removed there will be a deletion message in its place; I can’t see any deleted messages from the OP either.

Completely agree!

The OPs DSister represnted her DM figure in her life too, it is such a sad story.

OP there is someone trolling this thread. Please igonre them.

@CarinaBee I completely get where you’re coming from, my first daughter I named Daisy Jane, unfortunately the pregnancy didn’t progress beyond 20 weeks. As you can imagine this devastated me, it was 2008 and I was just 18 at the time so very young and vulnerable.

About three weeks after I announced her loss and her name my ‘best friend’ started acting cagey and weird around me. I put it down to me being wrapped up in my own grief and that we’d get back on track when I muddled through it some more. Turns out she was cagey because ‘she just adored the name Daisy Jane’ and used it for her daughter who was born around 4 months later.

I never got over it, it completely crushed me. In fact to this day if I think about it for too long it kind of steals my breath and makes me feel so incredibly angry still. I cut her off not long after but not before I told her exactly why and how awful she’d made me feel.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you, I fell you are completely valid in your feelings of sadness and frustration x

It's irrelevant how common the nane is.

The SIL knew this is the name of OP's VERY-Dear-Dead-SIS.

MIL was shocked at the name choice, and embarrassed, so it's clear that the inlaws know this name means something to OP.

MIL also said that SIL had another name planned with baby items made with that name.

OP YANBU. She's either unaware to the point of being fucking stupid, or she did it in some weird, warped power play. Given the comments about being a twin, it's not too far-fetched to think the latter. For the baby's sake I'm glad it's a nice name. But that doesn't make it remotely ok.

I almost never say this about any woman but SIL is the exception: I think she's a bitch.

Your DH should have said something, and still could. Didn't need to go off on one, just indicate that this will be very hurtful to you and by extension, him. There's a weird dynamic there it seems where she's got some kind of hold over him in a way more often seen with covertly abusive mothers and their sons. He may be operating out of FOG (fear, obligation or guilt) in his relationship with her. I don't know, but there's something unhealthy in the dynamic and his reluctance to draw a line in the sand with her.

For your own sanity you need to be low (even lower) contact with her. It's a shame because it's not your niece's fault. But this woman is someone who doesn't give a shit about you. At best.

Do what you can to separate it from your relationship with DH though. If he can't see why he should have said something, he's either a complete prick or, like I said, he's acting out of fear, obligation or guilt towards her. Given her reaction to your MIL (who btw did say something - with noting that) I imagine he's deeply, almost pathologically, afraid of upsetting her.

I don’t think it’s relevant how common or not the name is. Like you say there are endless girls names, some with the same kind of vibe as that one. I just don’t get why you’d go there, it’s thoughtless or selfish.

I named my son George , the same name as my SIL dog ! (The only name we both agreed on after two days of our son being born).I checked with my SIL did she mind as same name as her dog. Of course she didn’t but I didn’t want to announce the name without mentioning it to her first. I think she should have ran it past you as she knew it was your sisters name and you had already said it upset you to hear the name. It sounds like she’s vindictive.

She is incrediibly jealous of OP

@Whippetlovely not remotely the same and offensive to compare.

She’s a cunt
and your DH is a coward

This. Absolutely.

She was the woman closest to him growing up and cannot stand that he has a wife. Not that it's OP, but that he has a wife. It would have been better for SIL if her brother had been gay.

Haven't read past 1st page op but the way you talk about your dear sister really touched me.
I'm so sorry she was taken away from you.
Your SIL sounds like a piece of radioactive toxic shit who is emotionally incestuous with your DH, gross.