To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

I think she sounds self-absorbed rather than actively spiteful. I just can't see why someone would deliberately saddle their child with a name they knew was tainted. I suspect it's more that she's so wrapped up in her own stuff you haven't even crossed her mind OP.

I do understand why it's painful for you, and she sounds like a prat (what self respecting almost 40 year old would be happy still borrowing money off their brother?) However I actually think it's MIL who is most in the wrong here for stirring the pot after you said it had thrown you but you weren't going to mention it to SIL.

If asked, I would say of course nobody owns a name and she can use whatever name she chooses but you will be grieving your darling sister forever and you've openly said before that hearing the name is painful for you so, it is what it is. And I'd expect your DH to back you up on that.

When hearing a word sends you into a pot of grief - that’s not normal, or rather it’s not a healthy way to live.

*pit

Do we all need to avoid the gut punch names for everyone we know

She has one twin. And this is his wife.

And not everyone has lost a beloved sister who was a mother-figure at a cruelly early age.

Do you think maybe she's done this to hurt you, and will suddenly "change" tghe name back to the one shes had items made with close to delivery/after birth?

If she does use the name surely she must honestly love it though, who would name their child something they don't like, just to annoy a SIL? She's the one who has to use it for the rest of her life when referring to her child, it would be unreasonably petty surely and not at all worth it?

Honestly don't think yanbu in the slightest. There's billions of names to choose from and to pick one so meaningful to you when it's disrespectful and quite frankly disgusting. I'm so sorry for your loss op and if she's already kicked off I'd be messaging her saying how I felt. You have nothing to lose but atleast she would know exactly how you felt and hopefully would change the name.

Your sil sounds awful! Insensitive and downright childish!!! Even if at the very least she had somehow not realised how painful this would be for you (like a narcissist would) then once realising I would backtrack quickly and choose a different name if I really cared and valued you as family. She didn’t and is a massive bitch.

I think she is totally wrong to choose that name. Its a very precious name to you and she hasn’t given any thought to how you are going to feel with everyone saying your sisters name all the time. She sounds a horrible, possessive and jealous person. It should be your DH standing up to her telling her how wrong she is.

OP alluded to the Queen consort

She mentions in her post about the Queen Consort…so Camilla

It might not bother you but you are not in the same situation.

If your SIL chose to use your DF's name, I am assuming that she is married to a descendant of your DF, and using the name then might be considered to honour his memory. I'm also presuming he didn't die when he was 26!

I think she sounds self-absorbed rather than actively spiteful.

I agree

I just can't see why someone would deliberately saddle their child with a name they knew was tainted

It isn’t tainted to her though is it?

How old is this child?

Reading through your posts Op I'm actually upset on your behalf - your are So not being unreasonable!!

I too lost my sister at too young an age and can well imagine how hurtful this is to you.

Expert are we??? How fucking insensitive and unfeeling can a person be?

What is the OP meant to do - forget she had a sister? FFS.

I came on here expecting to read your post and think you were being U, but having read your story, I think your SIL is a total bitch. There is no way this is a coincidence.

You'll have to call the baby some sort of loosely-related nickname (not one you ever used with your sister of course) and then if she corrects you can just say "there's only ever going to be one Camilla to me".

I'm really sorry for the loss of your sister and the presence in your life of your SIL.

I actually agree with you CarinaBee oh course twins are close, but to make a stupid comment saying you are not a twin you wouldn’t know! I think she’s a nasty bit of work. Why on earth would she need to remind you that you aren’t a twin! Doh! She sounds a nightmare, I’d be heartbroken. I think it was done on purpose,

Ok the real world. Where family members are killing each other or themselves and going no contact because they can’t stand being walked over. Yes I think I will continue to live in my dream land thank you. At least in my little fantasy the husband and wife are still a team and there’s no divorce unlike two out of three, also dissimilar to your ‘real world’.

Perhaps you would benefit from some grief counselling. My DSis died suddenly 20+ years ago leaving 2 young teens. The whole family were devastated. She had a name that isn’t very common now. Whenever I hear that name, it brings back good memories of my sister.

I think you're missing the part where OP's SIL has done something to intentionally cause upset @TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl . If the name was a very common name, then she could be forgiven for maybe just being a bit thoughtless. But it's not, she obviously chosen this name to upset OP. At best, she's a selfish woman who does not consider the impact of her actions on others. If she'd stopped to consider for one second how her choice of name impacted anyone other than herself, she would of course have realised she at least needed to run this by the OP first. Just because no-one "owns" a name, doesn't mean you can be an absolute bitch about your name choice. Nice people consider the feelings of others, when they do something that might impact others. SIL''s either just not very nice, or she's out to hurt OP.

Okay, I had seen that she had alluded to the consort and thought it was possibly Camilla (and mentioned the name in my post) but OP hasn’t actually confirmed the name is Camilla or that she is talking about the UK Queen consort, there are others in Europe and globally. The reply to my post made out that the OP had confirmed the name somewhere, which I can’t see to be the case.

I don't think camilla is an unusual name and 20 years have passed. I think yabu

Good post HallieBells