To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Perhaps, although we all say things when we are upset.
I think it is fair to say that you suggested that OP was ending her marriage due to the name change, whereas OP said that separation had been discussed before to let us know that there were other issues.

So, no, I still don't think OP is gaslighting.

Never mind U or not, You tell me if this story is gaslighting.

No. I'd recommend looking up the accurate definition of that term.

Definition of gaslighting:

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which a person or group causes someone to question their own sanity, memories, or perception of reality. People who experience gaslighting may feel confused, anxious, or as though they cannot trust themselves.

riiiight.

My post last night was slated.
YANBU
However I will repeat.

Your SIL is a cunt of the highest order.
Yes she has deliberately chosen that name to upset you.
What an utter narc she is and all and sundry too scared to upset her ffs. Bunch of spineless twats.
I am so so cross for you. Actually seething that one person can deliberately evoke trauma in another person just for the fucking fun she gets seeing you react!!
My advice is to back away and slowly slowly take your DH with you.

Her poor parents having to put up with her behaviour and make excuses for her.

What happened today, OP? Did they go to your MILs as usual? Was there any grumbling reported?

Yes they all went round, DH included. He’s very sheepish and I slept in the spare room. We’re not arguing but will be separating.

MIL called me all panicked earlier this evening saying she’s worried sick. Wasn’t nice to hear her distressed like that and I reassured her that I’m not gunning for a war with SIL. I said that it wasn’t appropriate for me for be there if I wasn’t 100% supportive or feeling in the right spirits. she explained that obviously she has to support her daughter at the moment and I understand that.

I think people are allowed to have complex feelings about complex situations. Gaslighting seems like a cruel accusation to someone struggling with a difficult family situation relating to complex grief. It seems like you’re aiming for a ‘gotcha’ vs calm objectivity which is uncomfortable to see in this situation.

I’m so sorry @CarinaBee. I can understand why you feel such deep sadness at your sister’s death. What a cruel, unfair thing to happen.

Your SIL is so in the wrong. I don’t care how much I loved a name, I would never ever have chosen a name that I knew would bring pain to a friend or family member. The fact she kept it a secret until the last moment indicates she knew exactly how spiteful she was being. I don’t think I could forgive her, personally.

I’m not separating from my husband (we’ve been together 15 years) on a whim. We’ve grown apart but I love him. This was the final straw in the sense that I don’t feel that I’m living with true connection. I’m happy in my own company and I want people in my life who enhance it. I’m not expecting fireworks but I don’t feel a connection anymore and the latest event has cemented that I am not fulfilled.

How is what his sister did in any way his responsibility? What could he possibly have done to change anything?

He isn’t responsible for her actions, no. But fuck me, it’s tiring to have my feelings minimised time and again and now this - the final dart.

He was there today which sends a clear message that I overreacted.

im the nutter still clinging to the memory of my dead sister and I need to get over myself because it’s not important and I’m not deserving of any respect or kindness.

And I’m not wallowing in self pity either, by the way. As I said before, this is a clash in values. It is what it is.

Had a nice day actually. Took my daughter to soft play with a friend and her daughter. Nice day. Friend didn’t blow smoke up my arse but we had a nice time. Lots of laughs, sincerity and shared values. Spot on. I’m not spending the day crying into my pillow.

He was there today which sends a clear message that I overreacted.

By that, you are expecting him to no longer spend time with his family? Do you think that's reasonable?

Nope.

what would I do in his position? Maybe when I took the call and she told him the name I’d have said “blimey? Really?”. It is possible to express your dissatisfaction at something without shouting and screaming.

Nope. Don’t imply OP is trying to keep her husband from his family. He could’ve declined to attend just for today to quietly show he supports his wife and not the abhorrent actions of his sister.

• using that example because it is obvious that the person on the receiving end can’t possibly stand up to something a bit shit.

And if he had expressed dissatisfaction, then what? That alone would have been enough to satisfy you?

This

Where does OP say she expects her DH never to see his family again? She doesn't, does she. Clearly the expectation is to support her just this once while SIL doesn't get the audience reaction she wants from her bombshell.

You’ve articulated it a lot better than I did, thank you.

that, 100%. Why on mumsnet are people either 100% best pals or 100% hate? From time to time people have disagreements.

It might have made her feel slightly less alone. It sounds like you’re saying that the OP won’t be happy with anything - therefore unreasonable - vs the SIL doing something unnecessarily hurtful and that being acknowledged. It’s an odd take.

Thing is, she's just surrounded by enablers... and that sadly includes your DH. They've all rallied round her and shown their support - and you're the one left outside the circle. Because drama queens don't like having their acting methods questioned one bit.

I couldn't honestly be bothered trying to fight it or change it - because you won't. I think you're very right to hold your head up high and walk away from it all.

Omg I’ve remembered something really critical that actually I recalled earlier while he was at his mums cuddled up to his twin flame - when I was pregnant, I suggested a name for a boy. No, out of bounds, his Dad fell out with a lad (his best mate) in the 70’s when he pinched his then-fiancé before he eventually met MIL. He mentioned it at a pub some weeks later when we were having drinks with all his siblings and partners and they all had a little laugh about it. Make it make sense 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Your MIL sounds like she's more on your side than your DH is, tbh. I bet she will be sad but not surprised that you're separating.

Re it making sense: don't be silly 😂