Page 23 | To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

CarinaBee · 2023-04-01T18:10:49+00:00

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this. my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you. DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t. long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die. my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it. DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name. dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Leopardlives · 02/04/2023 14:13

It’s deffo the SIL!! A narcissist

Antiquiteas · 02/04/2023 14:14

Ignore the usual suspects on here, OP, your SIL is calculated and a twat.

Drfosters · 02/04/2023 15:14

Rosethorne66 · 02/04/2023 13:13

I find the responses on this completely bizarre.
It's a name, that hundreds of thousands of people have.
Even though that name has a different meaning to you, doesn't mean that (in the nicest way possible), that you can gatekeep that name. Especially when you had already a discussion that you would not use that name for your own child.
And i don't even understand why someone would ask for permission, utterly bizarre. It's not that deep and again in the nicest way possible, it's really nothing with you what they name their child. The same way I'm sure you didn't discuss your daughters name with them.

I really couldn’t disagree more. There is a difference between going through a baby name book and saying I like the same Sarah. No family/friend connection to the name but you like it and your SIL doing the same and it just ends up being a coincidence. Comparing that to someone saying I’d like to call my child Afonzo Edwardo, named after my grandfather with whom I was super close. Your SIL has a boy and uses the name just because she heard you say it and likes it. You then can’t use the name if you wanted to (as let’s face it that would be weird at family gatherings) and have to hear it when being referred to your nephew. Something similar happened to me and whilst I was upset and didn’t cause a big fuss I have distanced myself from the family as a result and it just wasn’t the same afterwards. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t going to use the name, it had emotional connotations and if you are a family you just don’t do that to each other.

Bloopsie · 02/04/2023 15:19

allmyliesaretrue · 02/04/2023 12:59

That’s weird and creepy.

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Whats wierd and creepy, there are thousands of women who share the same name just in the UK, not put off a pretty name that i like because of 1 person who was once in my husbands life years before i came to the scene.

when you have chosen daughters name have you taken a notepad and written down every woman your partner has been with or been in love with at one point and made sure you dont pick any of their names?

dessyh · 02/04/2023 15:30

Rosethorne66 · 02/04/2023 13:13

I find the responses on this completely bizarre.
It's a name, that hundreds of thousands of people have.
Even though that name has a different meaning to you, doesn't mean that (in the nicest way possible), that you can gatekeep that name. Especially when you had already a discussion that you would not use that name for your own child.
And i don't even understand why someone would ask for permission, utterly bizarre. It's not that deep and again in the nicest way possible, it's really nothing with you what they name their child. The same way I'm sure you didn't discuss your daughters name with them.

She's not trying to prevent anyone from using it - these hundreds of thousands of other people - she's shocked and upset her relative who she sees all the time has chosen it out of millions of names, when she knows what it means to her and how it will affect her.

Regardless of what SiL thinks of OP - who she borrows money from and causes drama with - that someone who loves their twin sibling and presumably his daughter, her niece, would disrespect them by upsetting his wife and the girl's mother in such a pointed way is the issue.

Idea that OP didn't discuss her child's name with SiL therefore why should she makes no sense. OP wasn't naming her daughter after SiL's beloved dead sister was she.

ehb102 · 02/04/2023 16:00

Oh, please! A gazillion names and SIL picks that one? Even if she had loved it forever a decent person would have dropped it because of the hurt it would cause the OP.

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 16:20

This is a situation where you've been spending time in a cave with a bear for years, everyone can see the bear is dangerous but you think it's never attacked you so far and you can tolerate how smelly etc it is. Then you get upset when one day it does attack you.

Sorry not the best analogy but you knew your sister in law was a spiteful horrible person and you tolerated her to keep the peace. This is never a good idea, she was always going to do something massive to hurt you - people like this ALWAYS do. You have to protect yourself by not being such a people pleaser and, if you must, then at least don't be a doormat to nasty people who will take a swipe at you any chance they get.

Original poster

CarinaBee · 02/04/2023 16:28

Absolutely spot on 😂 thank you

OP posts:

HalfMast · 02/04/2023 16:31

AngeloMysterioso · 02/04/2023 09:49

The thing is OP, your grief does not give you the right to control what anyone else, even your SIL is or is not allowed to name their child.

Do you often feel like you don’t understand other people’s feelings or that conversations are happening that you don’t understand?

HalfMast · 02/04/2023 16:34

Bloopsie · 02/04/2023 15:19

Whats wierd and creepy, there are thousands of women who share the same name just in the UK, not put off a pretty name that i like because of 1 person who was once in my husbands life years before i came to the scene.

when you have chosen daughters name have you taken a notepad and written down every woman your partner has been with or been in love with at one point and made sure you dont pick any of their names?

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No sweetheart, most people wouldn’t need the notepad to remember something like this.

piedbeauty · 02/04/2023 17:21

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 16:20

This is a situation where you've been spending time in a cave with a bear for years, everyone can see the bear is dangerous but you think it's never attacked you so far and you can tolerate how smelly etc it is. Then you get upset when one day it does attack you.

Sorry not the best analogy but you knew your sister in law was a spiteful horrible person and you tolerated her to keep the peace. This is never a good idea, she was always going to do something massive to hurt you - people like this ALWAYS do. You have to protect yourself by not being such a people pleaser and, if you must, then at least don't be a doormat to nasty people who will take a swipe at you any chance they get.

👏👏

BignBootiful · 02/04/2023 17:21

CarinaBee · 02/04/2023 10:23

counselling/therapy whatever you call it is helpful in mapping out why you respond to things in a certain way based on past experience. Good for helping you overcome the ‘how do I live meaningfully without them’ issues. Like I said, I like a very meaningful life.

This is a conflict of values. Hers don’t match up with mine and like I said, I want meaningful connection.

I have to say it: I think you're amazing, I really do. Especially given the difficulties you have had to endure earlier in life with a parent who had devastating problems and wasn't able to parent you in the way you deserved. Perhaps it is a testimony to the sister who nurtured you that you have such strong boundaries, and are able to honour your feelings and stand your ground despite the arseholes on here telling you that you should not trust either your instincts or feelings. Quite frankly, I am in awe of you AND your sister.

Badger1970 · 02/04/2023 17:35

I lost my Dad recently due to cancer, and his ending has deeply traumatised me. I've been going for bereavement therapy via the hospice he was cared for in, and something that really resonated with me and your thread is being around people that are your "safe space". I've been incredibly selective in who I have spoken to about my Dad and losing him.

You've shown your SIL your vulnerable side, telling her about your sister... and her action is to then stab you in the back with it. PP's are entirely right that you now need to protect yourself from her in future. Only you will know how that looks in reality

Original poster

CarinaBee · 02/04/2023 18:31

BignBootiful · 02/04/2023 17:21

I have to say it: I think you're amazing, I really do. Especially given the difficulties you have had to endure earlier in life with a parent who had devastating problems and wasn't able to parent you in the way you deserved. Perhaps it is a testimony to the sister who nurtured you that you have such strong boundaries, and are able to honour your feelings and stand your ground despite the arseholes on here telling you that you should not trust either your instincts or feelings. Quite frankly, I am in awe of you AND your sister.

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Thank you, that means a lot ❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

CarinaBee · 02/04/2023 18:35

Badger1970 · 02/04/2023 17:35

I lost my Dad recently due to cancer, and his ending has deeply traumatised me. I've been going for bereavement therapy via the hospice he was cared for in, and something that really resonated with me and your thread is being around people that are your "safe space". I've been incredibly selective in who I have spoken to about my Dad and losing him.

You've shown your SIL your vulnerable side, telling her about your sister... and her action is to then stab you in the back with it. PP's are entirely right that you now need to protect yourself from her in future. Only you will know how that looks in reality

Thank you, you’ve summed it up perfectly. I just can’t stand petty, vindictive behaviour - I am so lucky to have some amazing friends and they always manage to ‘hit the spot’ as it were.

so sorry you lost your dad. Take care of yourself, it’s all you can do, keep surrounding yourself with people who care enough to treat you with respect. ❤️

OP posts:

Tor2022 · 02/04/2023 18:36

If you love the name, then I would still use it if you have a girl (if you are upset that her using it means it's now not available to you). But maybe I'm just from a family with lots of people with the same name (more than 2 sets of two) and it's never been an issue x

2023cupcake · 02/04/2023 18:37

Even if it was a name she’s had on her list for 30 years, the fact she didn’t even BRING IT UP at any point during her pregnancy, is a bit off.

Why didn’t she mention it to your DH either since they’re so close. Maybe she didn’t feel she needed to mention her baby names to you, which is fair enough, but not even to her twin or Mum?

Because she knew exactly what she was doing.

Cam22 · 02/04/2023 18:39

HalfMast · 02/04/2023 16:34

No sweetheart, most people wouldn’t need the notepad to remember something like this.

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Exactly. The woman’s action is nasty and hurtful. The end.

Tor2022 · 02/04/2023 18:39

Apologies, I've now read through the whole thread and see the issue. Yanbu.

Lorry10 · 02/04/2023 19:34

Good for you OP. Make your stand and steer clear. It is the only way that DH and MIL will learn that this is not one of those occasions where you are prepared to dismiss SIL's behaviour. How dare SIL text you angrily when all you have done is told a third party that the name choice had 'thrown you' but you weren't going to say anything to SIL?
As to those who think you are being unreasonable, read the above again - that is all that OP did on the matter. She is allowed to have feelings surely ?

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 02/04/2023 19:40

Sil wanted a reaction didn't she op? When you didn't give her one she got The Rage. Wide berth is what she needs.
Bet she doesn't even like the name.

lljkk · 02/04/2023 20:02

If OP said she had mixed feelings and found it difficult I wouldn't have posted at all. OP asked if she was her rights to feel "absolutely furious." OP says she gets on with her SIL & inlaws fine but then says the name decision was hurtful, petty & vindictive and "as usual" OP won't to along to the family gathering. OP says she's a people pleaser but then this decision by SIL means her marriage is over. OP "can't bear" to hear the name but also completely doesn't care if strangers use the name or if she hears it in public (can't think why it'd be common to hear in public... ).

Never mind U or not, You tell me if this story is gaslighting.

Lorry10 · 02/04/2023 20:30

lljkk · 02/04/2023 20:02

If OP said she had mixed feelings and found it difficult I wouldn't have posted at all. OP asked if she was her rights to feel "absolutely furious." OP says she gets on with her SIL & inlaws fine but then says the name decision was hurtful, petty & vindictive and "as usual" OP won't to along to the family gathering. OP says she's a people pleaser but then this decision by SIL means her marriage is over. OP "can't bear" to hear the name but also completely doesn't care if strangers use the name or if she hears it in public (can't think why it'd be common to hear in public... ).

Never mind U or not, You tell me if this story is gaslighting.

I don't think it's gaslighting, I think you have mis-read OP's posts.
OP said that 'we see them every Sunday and sometimes mid week.' When she said 'as usual' she was referring to the usual family visit, which she is only now opting out of.
OP didn't say that the name decision was going to end her marriage, she said they had discussed separation before, but that this felt like the final straw. She is allowed to feel like that sometimes, and then take time to reflect surely ? She has clearly done so before, if separation has been discussed previously.
OP has tolerated SIL borrowing family money that could be spent on her own children, SIL giving her a wide berth when she was expecting a daughter, she didn't say anything to the name choice and didn't ask her DH to say anything either (even though she hoped he would).

dessyh · 02/04/2023 20:33

lljkk · 02/04/2023 20:02

If OP said she had mixed feelings and found it difficult I wouldn't have posted at all. OP asked if she was her rights to feel "absolutely furious." OP says she gets on with her SIL & inlaws fine but then says the name decision was hurtful, petty & vindictive and "as usual" OP won't to along to the family gathering. OP says she's a people pleaser but then this decision by SIL means her marriage is over. OP "can't bear" to hear the name but also completely doesn't care if strangers use the name or if she hears it in public (can't think why it'd be common to hear in public... ).

Never mind U or not, You tell me if this story is gaslighting.

OP asked if she was her rights to feel "absolutely furious."

Yes, she posting on an anonymous forum having just found out her SiL had done this.

OP says she gets on with her SIL & inlaws fine but then says the name decision was hurtful, petty & vindictive
She gets along with them fine - the SiL's decision was also those things. Don't get your point?

and "as usual" OP won't to along to the family gathering.

She usually goes to the family gathering, despite what mischief SiL is getting up to, but today she isn't.

OP says she's a people pleaser but then this decision by SIL means her marriage is over.

She's a people pleaser and has put up with a lot, including her husband enabling his sister's behaviour but this feels like a last straw when they're already having relationship trouble.

OP "can't bear" to hear the name but also completely doesn't care if strangers use the name or if she hears it in public
She actually says how she explained to her relatives that she "can't bear" to say the name in the context of naming her own daughter it.

lljkk · 02/04/2023 20:35

it is fair to say that when someone says "our imminent separation" that I presume they mean it.