To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

oh totally, she doesn’t want this at all, she’ll be really sad.

if you’re referring to my last post, I swear to god 🤣🤣 they were all 😬😬😬 omg lol no, that name is bad news in our house, dad never forgave him. He and MIL have a brilliant marriage by the way 😂

OP it sounds like this is the straw that’s finally broken the camel’s back of years of your DH not being able to fully separate from his family & stand for his wife & own family. It’s symbolic as much as anything else, & feels horribly isolating when they defer constantly to appease & keep the status quo. I wish you the best 🍀

SIL calling baby that name is so different than some random.

OP might not like to hear the name mentioned if some random child is called that bug thd fact that random parent has no idea will not be hurtful.

This is a double whammy, a constant reminder of the name and knowing that your SIL had such little regard for you and has probably done it out of spite, this alone would be enough to cut ties with her.

Your sil is a total bitch. Nothing your DH can do in this situation. I would not be speaking to, visiting or hosting sil, ever again, if it was me. If DH wanted to see her he could go alone. And I would not be seeing baby with my sister's name either, even though it is not the baby's fault. I'd simply cut sil out of my life. I'd also be telling DH not to ever mention her or the baby with my sisters name to me again. Mil would be warned not to.mention to me either and if she did I'd be cutting her out too. Your sil has gone too far.

YANBU.
You’re not asking any random acquaintance to not use a certain name, this is your SIL and your niece that you will be seeing fairly often and always have that reminder right in your face.
Perhaps she didn’t do it on purpose but in that case she would be mortified and say “I’m so sorry I didn’t even realize, of course I will pick a different name”. (especially since she originally did have a different name?)
Your DH presumably knows how upsetting it is for you and should have talked her out of it, but is it more acceptable for him to make you suffer at every family gathering where you have to hear that name?
Whenever I picked a name for my kids, I always had a few options to choose from that I liked, and if someone close to me (or in this case important to her brother who she claims to love) asked me not to use it, I would absolutely pick a different name.

Wait and see ... she'll change the name back to her original choice with dramatic effect and blame you for forcing her into doing it. I expect this was her plan all along, she then be able to say for years to come that her dd was a Camilla but Aunty X made her change it.

Doubtful, baby has been plastered all over the internet with the name announcement. That’s her name. I wish the little love nothing but love and happiness and a long life but she isn’t changing it.

I just really want to give you a big hug love. You're managing all this with a damn sight more grace than most could.

I agree @Americano75 - I'm so sorry that this has been done to you Op. Shes a first class cow & your DH is a weak man to not have your back.

Well done for being clear in your own mind about what you want to happen next & I wish you all the best with it. It's much better to be alone and single, than alone in a marriage. for you.

I'm just really sorry OP. Sorry that you're separating from your husband and sorry that your SIL is who she is.

I think your MIL will be very upset. I can't imagine any other DIL is going to want to deal with that nor spend every Sunday with her in-laws.

They've been able to consume you haven't they? I'm making some assumptions here but I'm guessing they don't know how lucky they've had it. Your DH hasn't had to navigate another family, hasn't had to split his time, his Christmases, his weekends, hasn't had a full other family to consider. Your in-laws haven't had to limit time with their son/brother or grandchild, or share your daughter.

Hopefully in the fullness of time they'll realise, they took you entirely for granted and all to their loss in the end. But no more for you now.

P.s Now you and DH are separating - block your SIL or atleast mute her.

No one will ever replace your sister and her essence is not bound by her name ~ a rose by any other name is still a rose, if you call a daisy a rose, it means nothing.. it’s not and will never be a rose. When you see the baby you’ll know it’s nothing to do with your sister no matter what her name is. Or maybe your SIL will change her mind about the name when baby is born, cos she doesn’t look like a rose 🤞 So sorry for your loss.

I am sorry for your loss but neither you nor your sister owned that name and anyone can use it if they wish.

As groundbreaking as this comment is, I don’t think the OP was planning on bringing a legal case.

Thank you both. That’s really kind.

hadn’t thought of that funnily enough, but v true - we have celebrated every special occasion together, Xmas, Easter etc etc.

I don’t worry about the being alone part but I do worry about splitting DD. I wouldn’t want it to get ugly - DH is a good person - but when the gloves are off I worry about things like custody. He already says he couldn’t bear to not live with her 24/7. His family are on paper better than my option - lots of them, lots of stability. I can provide her with that too obviously. Probably jumping the gun massively but no experience of this. Ideally I would move back to London too (where I’m originally from) but think that’s be a step too far and like I said, I’ve no intention of restricting his families access to her. And that wouldn’t be in her best interests either.

Does your DH (despite not being able to stand up and say something to his vindictive sister) privately agree with you that she has used this name to get at you? Because if not I’m embarrassed for him vetoing some random old pals name from the 70s but nothing to say about this dearly important name to you.

He physically winced when he was on the phone to her and reacts the same whenever i mention it/when we spoke about it. He acknowledges that it’s “not right” but he won’t confront her.

he just recites the old narrative “I know she can be a bit funny but you know what she’s like. She doesn’t mean it maliciously”….😴

I would 100% expect my husband to have my back. In fact, many years ago there were occasions when he told his family in no uncertain terms that his loyalty was with me.

I think your SIL is cruel and sounds like hard work. Twin or not, she’d have been out of my life for good…probably long before she chose your sister’s name.

I think your husband and his family sound weak. Well, now there are consequences.

Good luck op. I wish you all the very best.

Glad to hear he is commiserating with you somewhat and not being completely uncaring about it. Not that that’s any consolation to the situation if he’s not able to speak up or take a stand against her. If only they could all see her for what she is and stop enabling her bratty behaviour. Must be exhausting. I really respect how you’ve dealt with it and continue to deal with it.

The way you’ve written about your sister was incredibly moving to me and I’d assume it comes across that way when you speak about her in person as well. Any person with an ounce of empathy and respect for other people would not have contemplated that name for a second. The fact that she didn’t apologise but immediately went on a defensive tirade proves a point about her that can’t be argued.

Normally I'm the type that says who cares if cousins have the same name, you don't own a name yada yada.

But actually @CarinaBee I'm totally with you here. You might be having a totally emotional response to something that has nothing to do with you - but clearly with the family dynamic it's not.

I can't fathom having someone inhabit my mind so much I would do something as callous as this.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position OP.

I’m getting the impression you’re done with it all by this point in your life. That you want to plant your stake in the sand and say enough: this is who and what I am, no interest in pretending otherwise, and either you’re with me or you’re not. (This is wrt your DH). Is that fair?

Reading your posts, it sounds as though you’re issuing your DH with an ultimatum, without really doing so. Less dramatic, more of a quiet withdrawal because you’ve made your mind up. One can see why: his betrayal, although perhaps not drastic, is real in that it’s NOT a show of loyalty and approbation on something so integral to who you are (indeed, who he married). He’s not on your side, definitively and absolutely.

It’s hard, being the spouse who chooses to be or is made to be in the middle. I have one such husband. Life throws all sorts of circumstances up which require you to nail your colours to the mast, and for spouses like this - well, they don’t always get it right. On two occasions my DH has, I suppose, not backed me and has backed my MIL and SIL. He was wrong to, objectively, and knows that he did so only because of the strength of their ties and because he knew he could take me for granted to a large extent. It hurt me. And, undoubtedly, with each instance I felt more separated from him and more of an individual in a relationship with him. They’re markers in our relationship and will always remain as such. My marriage has moved on from being everything to me, to being an integral part of me.

And, I’m totally fine with that. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect a 50/60/70 year long relationship with someone without these sorts of instances arising. I’ve let my DH down in a way he hasn’t ever forgiven me for. Perhaps it’ll happen again. The older I get, the more I think that we are born alone and we will die alone. But in between, we have meaningful and enriching relationships with family and friends and even random people. Is it fair to expect them to be perfect, always? Do you think that you were the beneficiary of such perfection from your later sister, and perhaps expect the same again?

Your late sister sounds like a truly good, loving, selfless sister and daughter (actually). It’s tough living in the shadows of that.

(Your SIL, meanwhile, knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s marking her territory, and cruelly. As you say, there are thousands of names she could choose from. It says everything about her.)

Next time he thinks it’s a good idea to agreee to a birthday “date” with his sister instead of something with you and the kids, suggest therapy. It’s very clear that he has Enmeshment issues.

I applaud you. There's no reason to stay married to someone who is disloyal.

Op what has your husband said about the split?